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Gf is giving our baby her last name ???


Dougwork
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If she's not willing to discuss whether your child's name includes yours, there is absolutely no reason to even discuss marriage, much less actually drop to a knee. You quite simply aren't a partner to her on even a fundamental level, and it's nothing short of irresponsible for anyone to suggest a proposal should be in the cards. You're talking an institution that stands as the quintessential life partnership, not a half-assed vow you should be giving to someone who's effectively told you that you're a glorified sperm donor.

 

Both sides of my family have multiple surnames and it's never been a "kick to the face" for anyone. I'd question someone's capacity to be sufficiently responsible for a child if something so simple would present such a grand complication. Absent obvious extremes like rape or abuse or abandonment, for one parent to dictate to the other, whether the mother or the father, that their child won't have their name is nothing short of abhorrent, and I honestly have no idea how the concept is even conscionable to so many people here.

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@j.man, why does the baby need his last name instead of another name? Why can’t the middle name honor the father?

 

Also, every legal form I’ve ever seen asks for the name as it appears on legal documents - with the first legal document being the birth certificate.

 

So you’re ok with a birth certificate name that never gets used again? Why is that?

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So she has to deal with issues with registering for schools, traveling, passport, signing up for anything under the son, insurance, questions why you both don't have the same last name. Being called Mrs. So and So every single time with something involves the kid. What a kick to the face.

 

Ugh, so much easier for the baby to have her name since you aren't committed to marrying her.

Yup. I'm seeing this from a legal standpoint. If you aren't committed to her, then you take no part in raising/naming the child. Whose to say you won't just leave and she's stuck with the kid?

 

This is the second thread I've seen since yesterday as to why you should not have a kid before marriage.

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So my gf and I are expecting. We are in love and this will be each of ours first child. Both mid 30’s. She told me the baby is getting her last name. I understand since we aren’t married this is her right. But I feel disrespected and hurt by this. We’ve talked about marriage but even if we don’t work out I will always be there to raise our child. I’m just looking for advice if anybody’s been in this situation. The only time I’ve known a mother to do this is if the dad vanished/deadbeat. That I understand. I don’t think I deserve this. Nor does she. But the traditional thing to do is give it the fathers name I’m our situation. Thanks

 

No offense and I haven't read the entire thread but that's a huge red flag - was with a girl actually engaged to her and right before the wedding (no pre wedding jitters here) she was talking the gibberish about keeping her last name - long story short we separated after 9 mos married - and apparently everyone else saw the red flags but me :icon_sad:

 

My wife now (i remarried soon after) couldn't wait to take my last name, and change hers on everything!

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My wife now (i remarried soon after) couldn't wait to take my last name, and change hers on everything!
Yes... Your WIFE. The Op has not taken her as his wife yet. I asked several posts ago if she would be willing to give the baby his last name if they were married but he hasn't responded.
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Yes... Your WIFE. The Op has not taken her as his wife yet. I asked several posts ago if she would be willing to give the baby his last name if they were married but he hasn't responded.

 

Hence the huge red flags!! Unless...she is doing all this because they aren't married and she suspects he wont go the distance - but yes that is one crucial question/answer to get "if we get married will our baby have our last name?" And that opens up a new can of worms will she even take his last name to begin with?

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Hence the huge red flags!! Unless...she is doing all this because they aren't married and she suspects he wont go the distance - but yes that is one crucial question/answer to get "if we get married will our baby have our last name?" And that opens up a new can of worms will she even take his last name to begin with?

That's what I'd like to know. Op hasn't been back, however.

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My boyfriend and I have a 1 year old daughter, and never did it cross my mind that she'd only get to have my last name, because we're not married. Your baby was planned by the both of you and you both are a part of the child's life, no matter what.

 

I think marriage is a completely separate issue here. She could have easily stated that marriage is important to her before having children. (Assuming she doesn't the want the baby to have your last name without marriage.)

 

I don't think one party only should get to decide matters regarding the child, because you both are equally responsible.

 

We are planning to get married, but even then I'm not wanting to take his last name, because I simply find my last name to be better sounding and it's been my identity all of my life. It has nothing to do with rejecting my future husband. So far we've had zero issues with our daughters multiple last names.

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But the traditional thing to do is give it the fathers name I’m our situation. Thanks

 

Well.... the traditional thing to do is to get married before having the child. Are you planning on marrying her? What if you got married and then she changed the baby's name to your last name? How long have you two been together? Do you live together now?

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We are planning to get married, but even then I'm not wanting to take his last name, because I simply find my last name to be better sounding and it's been my identity all of my life. It has nothing to do with rejecting my future husband. So far we've had zero issues with our daughters multiple last names.

 

I married a woman like this (and no offense or judgement here) but the whole its my identity etc thing sounds all to eerily familiar (red flag) due to insecurities, not sure things will last, having to change everything etc etc.... or just not wanting to which can only be possibly a sign of not working together for the common goal of the relationship (remember it takes two to make a marriage work) -

 

What would you do if your significant other insisted on the name change for you and child, would you leave?!?

 

i wish you and the poster luck here, things like this in my experience unfortunately and not only with me have not worked out going down that road -

 

Plus in all honesty as the man here, trying to explain things to people (friends, family etc) why your wife / child doesn't share your last name is kinda crazy and embarrassing if you ask me -

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I married a woman like this (and no offense or judgement here) but the whole its my identity etc thing sounds all to eerily familiar (red flag) due to insecurities, not sure things will last, having to change everything etc etc.... or just not wanting to which can only be possibly a sign of not working together for the common goal of the relationship (remember it takes two to make a marriage work) -

 

I know that this is a little off topic, but I disagree with you here, it doesn't necessarily have to do with insecurities. I'm 37 and single, never been married. At this stage in my life, to change my name, it would be silly. In addition to the headache of changing all of the paperwork, I'm a published author and have I have a career, and it doesn't make sense to change my name. I wouldn't mind taking his name socially (like if people were to send a Christmas card to us as Mr. and Mrs. Smith) or using my married name on Facebook or something, but changing my name legally and professionally? No thanks.

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So my gf and I are expecting. We are in love and this will be each of ours first child. Both mid 30’s. She told me the baby is getting her last name. I understand since we aren’t married this is her right. But I feel disrespected and hurt by this. We’ve talked about marriage but even if we don’t work out I will always be there to raise our child. I’m just looking for advice if anybody’s been in this situation. The only time I’ve known a mother to do this is if the dad vanished/deadbeat. That I understand. I don’t think I deserve this. Nor does she. But the traditional thing to do is give it the fathers name I’m our situation. Thanks

 

No. The traditional thing is to marry before creating children. Then the name thing wouldn't even be an issue.

 

My daughter has my last name and she's extremely close to her father. Her last name was always going to be what my last name was as long as she was a minor and I wasn't married.

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OP,

 

I understand your feeling a bit bruised. The naming issue can be a delicate one when just starting out (and perhaps at any time -- though I suspect for many of us it pales over time).

 

Bottom line: when you are building a life with someone else, never turn away from that person when faced with conflict. I mean, never - cheating included. If you must split, turn toward this person you love and tell her, "I am so sorry that X happened, and I know you are too. I love you deeply, and yet it seems we are incompatible despite our best efforts. I don't know how to fix it." (or whatever is appropriate) With your child, it will be the same -- "I love you unconditionally. If your actions have consequences beyond painful, I will still love you...."

 

That is what it means to bond and stay bonded. Practice this now: "Sweetheart, my feelings were hurt, but I can recover from that. Our ability to give this new person we are making love, trust, and a secure foundation -- THAT is what is most important."

 

Now -- get serious about this marriage thing. You are creating a child. Are you in, or are you out? On the fence is not good enough. What provisions will you make to provide this new person with stability, predictability, the knowledge that it can rely on its parents? Two households, or one? Or, are you unsure?

 

If my man were excited to make me pregnant but not excited to marry me, I would give my baby my name, for sure. Because only one of us is willing to sacrifice our future flexibility and independence in service to this new life, and that person is me, and therefore my name is the only name I can rely on, 100%, without question.

 

Whatever you decide, please read about childhood development years one through three, or better, years one through 6. THE EARLY YEARS ARE CRITICAL. Your focus on your name is an extension of your focus on you. Once this child is born, your name is the least of your concerns, if you choose to raise it right.

 

Move on to an issue that matters.

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There have been some excellent responses. I agree with both sides on the fact that it's wrong in theory that she would make the parental decisions without him.

 

But the sad reality is children born out of wedlock are often, far too often, left the mothers responsibility. You don't want to commit to her but you want her to commit a name to you, that to me is ego, don't pull that traditional stuff, marriage before the baby is traditional as well. At the end of the day it's just a name. You can play house all you want but that burden of responsibility if you two seperate is going to fall on her.

 

Like others have said, you two already seem to both have one foot out the door. I can't say I'd be falling over myself to give the baby your last name, Middle? Discussion on first name? Absolutely, last? My mind would be wanting to have the same last name as my child and if I'm not married guess what that leaves?

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My boyfriend and I have a 1 year old daughter, and never did it cross my mind that she'd only get to have my last name, because we're not married. Your baby was planned by the both of you and you both are a part of the child's life, no matter what.

 

I think marriage is a completely separate issue here. She could have easily stated that marriage is important to her before having children. (Assuming she doesn't the want the baby to have your last name without marriage.)

 

I don't think one party only should get to decide matters regarding the child, because you both are equally responsible.

 

We are planning to get married, but even then I'm not wanting to take his last name, because I simply find my last name to be better sounding and it's been my identity all of my life. It has nothing to do with rejecting my future husband. So far we've had zero issues with our daughters multiple last names.

 

Best answer.

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To throw in an anecdote from a very close friend.

 

Her birth parents divorced and her mother remarried, and forced a name change on two occasions. It took her over 30 years and two bad marriages before she finally took her father's name and for her it made a world of difference in her perspective on life. It became a big part of who she wanted to be, and she has been very insistent that her daughter have the same benefit of a father's last name. When we have discussed it, the name of her father was the only thing she was able to get and cherish of her father due to her mother's terrible choices in subsequent men.

 

Just a different perspective.

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I think the OP is omitting some details here... there must be a reason she made this decision. Does she feel insecure about you sticking around? Why does she feel so strongly about this?

 

We can debate it until the cows go to sleep but in reality I don't think we have enough information to make any judgement on this right now.

 

From a general perspective... I gave my daughter her dad's last name, didn't think anything of it... but it does make it difficult when she wants to travel with a family member, because she is the only one with that last name. I took my ex husband's name when we married, and decided to keep it a)because I have a business and career based on my last name and b) it's the same as my step daughter's name and I wanted the same name as at least one of my kids!

 

Whatever the decision, communication and compromise is important for both parents.

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