Gf is giving our baby her last name ???

[j.man]

You can have more than one surname on the birth certificate. I have three. At least as far as I've seen, the OP hasn't suggested the kid get his name and not hers. It's been the woman and a few on here fueling the dichotomy.

[mustlovedogs]

My last name is 16 letters. :) so no hyphenation here.

 

Seraphim. I’m clearly saying I would consider them. Why is the last name the only important name?

[Seraphim]

You can have more than one surname on the birth certificatw. I have three.

 

Exactly. Lots of hyphenated last names in the world.

[Seraphim]

My last name is 16 letters. :) so no hyphenation here.

 

Seraphim. I’m clearly saying I would consider them. Why is the last name the only important name?

 

Some last names don’t make good middle names.

 

It doesn’t HAVE to be a father’s last name but BOTH people should have a discussion and BOTH people should be considered .

[mustlovedogs]

Some last names don’t make good middle names.

 

It doesn’t HAVE to be a father’s last name but BOTH people should have a discussion and BOTH people should be considered .

 

I’m saying my last name is the terminal one. If there are multiple fine. I hate hyphenation in my specific instance but sure. Up for negotiation. I would prefer a name honoring the father for the first or middle.

 

I AM considering the father with the hard line that my last name is the terminal name.

 

Please answer. Why does the fathers last name take priority?

[Seraphim]

I never said it did. I said the mother had to have a discussion with the father. And if the father does not want to be honoured by a middle or first name that should be considered too . If women want to make unilateral decisions they should do all the raising themselves .

[j.man]

You don't even need hyphenation. I have a Spanish "y" between two of the three. Nothing between the other. No legal form requires I write more than one. I don't have to socially go by more than one. I have the discretion. There's no reason not to have the names of both parents unless one parent doesn't want their name on it (typically a married mother who has given up her maiden name -- which is not a practice I personally endorse). For one parent to dictate the parentage of the other not be represented in a child's name-- barring extreme circumstances-- is quite simply a ****ty thing to do.

[LC8328]

So a friend of mine once told me that when she has a baby, she's going to name him whatever she wants, and her future husband wouldn't have a choice in the matter. She said, "I'm the one who'll be having the baby, so it's all my choice, and whoever I'm with will just have to understand that."

 

Decades later, she's divorced and a single mom. Baby has the dad's last name.

 

It's a little worrisome that your girlfriend doesn't seem willing to even consider your feelings at all or have a discussion before deciding.

 

HOWEVER...is she in her first trimester? She could be extra-hormonal. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't take her seriously, but it might be wise to choose when to have this conversation.

 

For what it's worth...my kids have different last names. They have their fathers' names. It was never even a question for me. My personal opinion (which might not be popular but it's just what I think for myself) is that I will always be in my children's lives of course, because I am present every day, so them not having my maiden last name is not a slap in the face or some kind of statement.

 

But as always, everyone should do what works for them. I advise a conversation where you decide things together, not where you'll be told what's happening, but again, it might be wise to wait til the 2nd trimester (if you're not already there).

[mustlovedogs]

You don't even need hyphenation. I have a Spanish "y" between two of the three. Nothing between the other. No legal form requires I write more than one. I don't have to socially go by more than one. I have the discretion. There's no reason not to have the names of both parents unless one parent doesn't want their name on it (typically a married mother who has given up her maiden name -- which is not a practice I personally endorse). For one parent to dictate the parentage of the other not be represented in a child's name-- barring extreme circumstances-- is quite simply a ****ty thing to do.

 

My point isn’t the hyphenation or the y. It’s that my name is long and, as is, is actually restrictive to filling out documents.

 

I’m fine with representing both parents.

 

In MY situation, specific to ME, I would insist that my last name is terminal. The last one. There is NO reason the guys last name HAS to be the last one listed. I would insist on that if we are unmarried.

 

I would discuss my concerns to MY situation with adding any more names due to the length.

 

Short named folks - most forms have 15 character limits for last names. It’s a legit issue.

 

But that is not enough of an issue for me to give up my name. Just an argument against hyphenation or any other variant of that.

 

Like I said. Fine with representing both parents in some form with one line in the sand.

[melancholy123]

If I was pregnant without a commitment, the baby would 100% get my last name and only my last name.

 

No different than women giving up their last name in marriage, right? Baby gets my last name because I’m the only guarantee in baby’s life.

 

This is what I think as well.

[Snny]

If I was pregnant without a commitment, the baby would 100% get my last name and only my last name.

 

No different than women giving up their last name in marriage, right? Baby gets my last name because I’m the only guarantee in baby’s life.

 

If I’m not committed, if *I* don’t have the guys last name, then the baby gets my last name. No negotiation. Getting pregnant is mutual but primary childcare often isn’t.

But WHY is the father entitled the last name? If I birth it, if I carry it, if the only guarantee is that I will raise it, what’s the issue? If the baby gets the fathers last name for a middle name or a significant name otherwise, what’s the issue?

These would be my reasons too if I were the OP's girlfriend. I also agree.

[j.man]

My point isn’t the hyphenation or the y. It’s that my name is long and, as is, is actually restrictive to filling out documents.

 

I’m fine with representing both parents.

 

In MY situation, specific to ME, I would insist that my last name is terminal. The last one. There is NO reason the guys last name HAS to be the last one listed. I would insist on that if we are unmarried.

 

I would discuss my concerns to MY situation with adding any more names due to the length.

 

Short named folks - most forms have 15 character limits for last names. It’s a legit issue.

 

But that is not enough of an issue for me to give up my name. Just an argument against hyphenation or any other variant of that.

 

Like I said. Fine with representing both parents in some form with one line in the sand.

Except you're inventing this restrictive dynamic. There isn't a single legal document I've had to fill out that required me to put more than one surname. I'm talking my social security card, enlisting in the Army, my passport, signing on for leases, applying for jobs... you name it. I have three, cumulatively doubling whatever surname you've got under your belt. I list one for no better reason than I'm a lazy man. Even in Spain, where my mother's side hails from, 2+ surnames is absolutely custom, and you don't have to cite all surnames. Or is this whole restrictive element stemming from the one-time effort of filing a birth certificate? Because I have no idea where you're getting this idea that you're imposing some burden for simply assigning multiple surnames on a birth certificate. In fact, there were times when I was in a particularly Spanish mood and wanted to write more than one name only to be informed I could only write one, which is, in my mind, a pretty restrictive cultural and ethnocentric norm of its own if we're going to throw stones.

 

If for no other reason, a child should be named to denote the heritage of both parents in order allow them the due discretion they deserve to represent themselves, just as I was. Any "entitlement" to a father, or mother for that matter (knowing plenty who have deserved their name stripped), is tertiary in my mind.

 

Unless we're going to revert to the same obscenely problematic logic that drove formal bastardom, surnames are meant to denote lineage, not the marital status of a woman at the time of birth.

[pettypink]

This is what I think as well.

 

I also agree.

[j.man]

This is what I think as well.

Really? It really isn't often that I appeal to one's character, but this truly surprises me from you. If you don't want to give up your last name, don't give up your last name. There is absolutely no requirement you do so. And it would be greatly appreciated if people didn't extrapolate that 100% elective principle into some justification to snub out someone's equal and paternal (or maternal as it may happen) representation when they are capable and willing to act on such.

 

And I know plenty of woman who have been far from a guarantee in a child's life. Or, sometimes worse, have been.

[catfeeder]

We’ve talked about marriage but

 

What does this mean, exactly?

 

What's been the barrier to marriage, and who claims this as the barrier?

[Keyman]

Why the insistence of somewhat antiquated practices?

 

What, like marriage?

[SherrySher]

I don't think the point is what the baby's last name will be. I think it has more to do with how she dictated to you on what the baby's last name will be without discussing it with you what so ever.

I realize she is carrying the baby for nine months, but half the baby genetically will be yours, therefore, you have a right to a say to what the baby's last name will be. You might have more say legally if you were married, but truth be told, if she loved you at all and respected you at all, she'd want to discuss this with you.

 

She has no respect for what you think or feel. I see other people have told you that it's because you're not married. I don't see that as making sense either.

The baby still exists and the baby is still half yours. You obviously care and I am assuming want this baby and will take care of it...so yes, your opinion more than matters.

I wonder if she wanted to take your sperm and nothing more. She's behaving that way.

 

I think you really need to sit down with her and ask her why she is acting like this and is not even bothered to ask you what you want at all. That's not love nor is it even friendship.

That's the biggest problem you've got more than anything else.

[Wiseman2]

Was this planned? Do you live together? What was the hurry to have a child together after dating only a few months? In many cultures a child can have either, both or the father's last name. Why even worry about this? You'll be the child's dad no matter what names it has. You'll also have a right to see/raise the child and be financially responsible until adulthood.

 

It sounds like you both have one foot out the door already regarding commitment to each other and having a "if things don't work out" mindset. Why is that?

12-31-2017:We are both in our mid 30’s. Been dating for 5 months

[itsallgrand]

^ well said Sherry.

 

I can't imagine taking the attitude of ' well this is how it's going to be' with my partner, especially with something as important as welcoming a child together into the world. I'm curious to hear more about it from the OP.

 

And I agree that whether married or no doesn't really matter when it comes to respecting your partner and their place as a parent.

 

Call me crazy but I do think daddy's are as important as mommys. It's not just for the OPs interests but for the child's too that dad be considered an equal parent in the decision making.

[SherrySher]

Thanks Grand :)

 

I totally agree too, married or not, the man deserves the same respect if he wants to be as much of a parent as the mom. It's half his genes, that should be respected.

[Johnny Utah]

If she takes this attitude without discussion, can you imagine all the other decisions?

 

No, the baby gets formula.

 

No, not that toy.

 

No, this school only.

 

No, it can eat this.

 

Oh brother....

[Johnny Utah]

^ well said Sherry.

 

I can't imagine taking the attitude of ' well this is how it's going to be' with my partner, especially with something as important as welcoming a child together into the world. I'm curious to hear more about it from the OP.

 

And I agree that whether married or no doesn't really matter when it comes to respecting your partner and their place as a parent.

 

Call me crazy but I do think daddy's are as important as mommys. It's not just for the OPs interests but for the child's too that dad be considered an equal parent in the decision making.

 

 

Hi Crazy. Two parent families have always fared better for the development of a child, be them hetero or homogeneous sex partners.

 

Sad that these things aren't discussed before having a baby.

[abitbroken]

The whole"we have talked about marriage" is Bull. This woman is having your baby. You either got down on one knee and took action or you did not. Enough "talking about marriage." Either propose to this woman --- or don't -- but the "having conversations about" is a bit lame at this point. She may say no just because she may think its just because of the baby -- did you talk about marriage before she was pregnant? If you did, i would take some action. It does not sound like you talked about marriage too seriously if she is dictating to you that the baby will have her last name vs having it be a DISCUSSION because she assumes you will be her husband.

 

Clearly, you don't wish to marry this woman because you would have done something by now?

[abitbroken]

Was this planned? Do you live together? What was the hurry to have a child together after dating only a few months? In many cultures a child can have either, both or the father's last name. Why even worry about this? You'll be the child's dad no matter what names it has. You'll also have a right to see/raise the child and be financially responsible until adulthood.

 

It sounds like you both have one foot out the door already regarding commitment to each other and having a "if things don't work out" mindset. Why is that?

 

 

Oh, if you have been dating less than a year and were already thinking of parting ways before that - i can understand why she wants the baby to have her last name. She was just prepping you so you didn't wig out when it happened.

[tattoobunnie]

but even if we don’t work out

 

If that is how you feel, and convey in conjunction with discussing marriage, I see zero incentive as to why she should have the child's last name be yours.

 

So she has to deal with issues with registering for schools, traveling, passport, signing up for anything under the son, insurance, questions why you both don't have the same last name. Being called Mrs. So and So every single time with something involves the kid. What a kick to the face.

 

Ugh, so much easier for the baby to have her name since you aren't committed to marrying her.