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Another Man Kissed Me Against My Wishes


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I love my boyfriend immensely and couldn't bear to lose him. I want to marry him if he would ever have me. I believe he would leave me over this, and want to know if I should tell him.

 

There is a long distance friend I met online over a decade ago who was in town on a layover. Not a good friend but I wanted the chance to finally meet him in person and went to meet him at a bar as friends, not at all expecting how he would act. He was hitting on everyone, and in the car with me he hit on me. He invaded my space and gave me unwelcome kisses without my consent until I was finally able to get him to leave.

 

I hate thinking about it and never want to let anything like this happen again. I can't stand that I was stupid enough to go there and to misjudge the situation and not leave the bar as soon as things got weird. I feel like such a disgusting idiot.

 

What do I do or say?

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I think the more important concern is why you agreed to meet a stranger from online, got in a car with him, all the while hiding this from your boyfriend.

 

With that being said, he has a right to know which in turn gives him the choice to either end it, or attempt to work through through it. I'm sorry, but my guess is he'll end it simply because once the trust is gone, you have nothing. Hopefully you'll take this lesson with you.

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I think the more important concern is why you agreed to meet a stranger from online, got in a car with him, all the while hiding this from your boyfriend.

 

With that being said, he has a right to know which in turn gives him the choice to either end it, or attempt to work through through it. I'm sorry, but my guess is he'll end it simply because once the trust is gone, you have nothing. Hopefully you'll take this lesson with you.

I vote for not telling him. But HGO is right, why did you get in a car with a stranger in the first place? Hope you learned your lesson.

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What do you mean by "didn't consent?" Your post seems rather carefully worded. There's a difference between him physically forcing himself onto you or continuing despite you telling him no or keeping your lips completely stiff, providing no non-verbal cues, and then you simply not asserting your own boundaries when someone makes what's honestly a pretty reasonable assumption that a lady who doesn't know him well but meets up with him for drinks just might not be all that opposed to him attempting to make a move. Him pushing himself onto you is nothing to blame yourself for, nor something you should feel compelled to confess to your boyfriend if out of some sense of unwarranted guilt. But if you knowingly put yourself in a situation that intrinsically complicates your relationship's boundaries and then failed to maintain those very boundaries, particularly when common sense would suggest it's likely you may need to, that's its own much larger concern, and perhaps you should reevaluate just how much you do love your guy or whether you want to get married for the right reasons.

 

You obviously know much better what happened and what, if anything, you could hold yourself reasonably responsible for.

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Wait... hang on.... Where did your bf think you were that night?

 

If this were all on the up-and-up, I would think you would have told your bf about these plans to meet up with your friend ahead of time. Would you not have told him how excited you were to finally meet him after a decade, etc? If he already knows all that part, when he asks you how the night went, it’s a quick (and honest) update about how it was a disaster and he got handsy, etc.

 

If you didn’t tell your bf ahead of time, I am curious as to why? If you are really honest with us anonymous people, were you kinda hoping there was a spark? Cause this sounds fishy to me. In this case - no - I won’t condone the lie. You should really think about why you would do that and probably just break up with him, to be honest.

 

... and yeah. Not sure why you would get into a car with someone you’ve never met in person... that was extremely high risk. Thankfully, he only forcefully kissed you!

 

I am glad you are safe...

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I gave him a ride so that he wouldn't have to call a taxi. Yes, I feel terrible and like a moron, and I want to exercise better judgment. I'm concerned that I didn't know what to do in that situation. In my past I have had other bad experiences where things happened to me and didn't know how to avoid it or assert myself.

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We don't always keep such close tabs on each other. It was a last minute plan that I didn't have a good chance to bring up, but no I definitely wasn't hoping for any spark. I'm a really lonely person with no close friends to do things with, so I guess that was also some part of the motivation.

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What do you mean by "didn't consent?" Your post seems rather carefully worded. There's a difference between him physically forcing himself onto you or continuing despite you telling him no or keeping your lips completely stiff, providing no non-verbal cues, and then you simply not asserting your own boundaries when someone makes what's honestly a pretty reasonable assumption that a lady who doesn't know him well but meets up with him for drinks just might not be all that opposed to him attempting to make a move. Him pushing himself onto you is nothing to blame yourself for, nor something you should feel compelled to confess to your boyfriend if out of some sense of unwarranted guilt. But if you knowingly put yourself in a situation that intrinsically complicates your relationship's boundaries and then failed to maintain those very boundaries, particularly when common sense would suggest it's likely you may need to, that's its own much larger concern, and perhaps you should reevaluate just how much you do love your guy or whether you want to get married for the right reasons.

 

You obviously know much better what happened and what, if anything, you could hold yourself reasonably responsible for.

 

I did ask him more than once not to and also told him I was seeing someone.

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You don't necessarily need to tell your boyfriend about it, as it wasn't your fault that he kissed you against your will BUT you need to know that going out with a guy from the internet alone can give mixed messages or put you in situations where your boundaries might be at risk. It's not a good idea to so when you have a boyfriend or at least not a good idea doing it in full secrecy. If a situation like this arises again and you want to meet the person, it's better not to go out alone with that person... besides it's much safer being that we never know who's behind the screen.

 

But what's more important is that if this loneliness is bothering you, you doing something about it and getting things in your life that motivate you and allow you to have contact with more people besides your boyfriend. If not it can lead to codependency in your relationship.

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You've been communicating with the man for years, this was an opportunity to finally meet, you were drinking, you were alone in a car with him, your boyfriend knows nothing of your where about's, who you are with and that you even have this mysterious long distance male friend.

 

Yet you don't know how this happened to you? Am I following you correctly?

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I think you were very wrong for not telling your boyfriend.

Are you telling us your boyfriend did not know about this guy at all - that you had an online friend?

Are you telling me that you could not have called or texted your boyfriend to say "my friend from online has a layover in our city for three days. I would like to finally meet him when he is here for an hour. What do you think of that? or are you available to come with me, or even just stating that is what you are doing.

 

There is no way this guy only knew he was going to be in your town the day of.

 

When i am meeting someone alone or even going somewhere late or unfamilir, i tell my guy where i am going or my best girlfriend. That way someone knew where i last was in case of anything. i don't ask permission - i just say "i am headed to the far side of town that i usually don't go to today"

 

To me, you made all the wrong choices.

 

If two guys kissed you now without you wanting it -- you need to review your choices.

 

You don't want to tell your boyfriend because you didn't tell him what you were doing OR more so he doesn't know about this friend

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If you agree to meet this man and you told him that you were seeing someone and if he was aware that your boyfriend didn't know, the message that you're giving this is that you're willing to risk something.

I'm not at all surprised he tried to kiss you. I would have been surprised if he didn't

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You've been communicating with the man for years, this was an opportunity to finally meet, you were drinking, you were alone in a car with him, your boyfriend knows nothing of your where about's, who you are with and that you even have this mysterious long distance male friend.

 

Yet you don't know how this happened to you? Am I following you correctly?

 

So I guess I'll just tell my boyfriend I'm a hopeless idiot and let him leave me for that instead.

Though the story is not completely like you make it sound and I hardly drank.

 

I'll cut out the so-called friend and the idea of ever expecting any man to meet me and behave as just a friend again, but I'll still feel entirely horrible for such an awful error.

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So I guess I'll just tell my boyfriend I'm a hopeless idiot and let him leave me for that instead.

Though the story is not completely like you make it sound and I hardly drank.

 

I'll cut out the so-called friend and the idea of ever expecting any man to meet me and behave as just a friend again, but I'll still feel entirely horrible for such an awful error.

 

First of all... man, the comments on this thread are absolutely savage! Come on, people. It doesn't sound like some of you are giving this women the benefit of the doubt. Here is my take on this, take it or leave it. I'm on the side of wiseman's reply. I say, just forget about it and use it as a lesson learned. Sometimes, it's OK to have (small) secrets in life. You telling him about this; it's just gonna stir up a nest of crap you don't need or want to get into! What seems to nothing like you, and probably was nothing, may creates months or years of suspicion over you at times with your boyfriend, and you don't want to cause that. You telling him may create fear that more than the kiss happened. It sounds to me like you didn't willingly cheat on him whatsoever. Some stupid jerk tried to kiss you when you told him you were seeing someone already. If you genuinely only met this guy out of friendship, I wouldn't fret over any of this. Stuff happens.

 

I think you were very wrong for not telling your boyfriend.

Are you telling us your boyfriend did not know about this guy at all - that you had an online friend?

Are you telling me that you could not have called or texted your boyfriend to say "my friend from online has a layover in our city for three days. I would like to finally meet him when he is here for an hour. What do you think of that? or are you available to come with me, or even just stating that is what you are doing.

 

I think this is being a bit savage towards the poor girl! She doesn't need her boyfriends permission to meet anyone. I agree, telling a friend or someone if you are meeting someone somewhere you never met. But, she doesn't have to ask her boyfriends permission, or ask if he's "OK" with it. If these two really love each other, he should trust her to have her own life and meet and befriend whoever she wishes. And she should have the same feelings towards him as well.

 

Yes, my advice, again. Just forget this ever happened, and quit talking to this so called "friend". I want to end with this. It's perfectly OK to have male friends; people to talk to, or even meet on occasion. Not every guy in the world is going to try to hook up with you. But, maybe you need to be more conscious about these things in the future. You talked to this guy for what... 10 years you said? I think at some point, there must have been some hint that he was interested in you in some way. I don't know, meeting him in a bar alone, having him get in your car like that, it was all a big NO-NO. Although I think abitbroken's comment was harsh, I agree with some of it. If you want to meet male friends in the future, maybe bring your boyfriend along next time. It sends the message "I AM TAKEN", and they're not going to try anything with you while with your boyfriend.

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I did ask him more than once not to and also told him I was seeing someone.

 

The man that you want to spend the rest of your life with is described as "someone that you are seeing" ? wow!

 

The point of coming anonymously on a forum is to get advice ,but also so that you can be 100% honest without any fear of getting into trouble.

you have to be honest not for us to know ....but for you to read it!! Read your own thoughts..and make judgment of it. Some times , the best way to see the

truth is by writing it down.

 

I honestly believe there is a lot more to it. You're afraid to accept it but there is more. More feelings...perhaps you're conflicted. And you know what?

It's OK! That is why you're here! What's done is done...but you have to be honest...other wise you will get into this, or far worse situation in the future.

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The man that you want to spend the rest of your life with is described as "someone that you are seeing" ? wow!

 

The point of coming anonymously on a forum is to get advice ,but also so that you can be 100% honest without any fear of getting into trouble.

you have to be honest not for us to know ....but for you to read it!! Read your own thoughts..and make judgment of it. Some times , the best way to see the

truth is by writing it down.

 

I honestly believe there is a lot more to it. You're afraid to accept it but there is more. More feelings...perhaps you're conflicted. And you know what?

It's OK! That is why you're here! What's done is done...but you have to be honest...other wise you will get into this, or far worse situation in the future.

 

This man friend should have known you had a serious relationship because IF you believed you were platonic, you would have mentioned your boyfriend throughout the past few years - just matter of factly - you guys are going on a trip together, etc, and are looking forward to it, or what have you. Friends want friends to be happy, so you having not mentioned your boyfriend and just stated recently you are "seeing someone" makes it sound like you got something about of appearing somewhat available.

 

If i were in your shoes and a guy who i was friends with in my old city looked me up (i do have people who were colleague relationships - nothing more than that), i would tell him that my guy and I would be delighted to take him to this great restaurant we like or something. If he was truly my friend and I did not have shady intent, that's how it would go.

 

You were NOT sexually assaulted. You met a flirty man at the bar --- the culmination of 10 years without meeting face to face and he thought "what do i have to lose" to go in for a kiss. It doesn't sound like he held you down or anything. he just kissed you.

 

I think you dug a deep hole by never telling your boyfriend about this friend, or where you were going at night. Not that he is the boss of you, but if you want to marry this man - thats shady

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Yeah I would think you cheated.

 

Hiding the interaction and not having your bf know about this guy and not telling the guy about how serious you are with your bf suggests to me you intentionally wanted to conceal it for a reason.

No one meets a stranger and gets in the car with them unless they're seriously naive! I mean darn. If I were your bf and I found this out, I'd be breaking up with you.

Hiding things never works out.

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We don't always keep such close tabs on each other. It was a last minute plan that I didn't have a good chance to bring up, but no I definitely wasn't hoping for any spark. I'm a really lonely person with no close friends to do things with, so I guess that was also some part of the motivation.

 

Bringing it up literally takes a second.

And you were hanging with a stranger.

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