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Hi everyone, I’ll try and keep this quick. I’m hoping if you can tell me if my boyfriend is being unfair to this situation.

 

My boyfriend and I have technically been together 8 months. However, after these 8 months we broke up due to trust issues, and got back together after one and a half months apart. These issues have now been resolved and things are going great. However we’ve only been back together two weeks, so I don’t want to start a serious talk or bad argument about this. I’m just looking for some advice.

This morning, my boyfriend was over at my house before he went to work. My mums boyfriend was over, who was going outside for a cigarette. I told him I would join him, NOT because I smoke, but to just tell him something in private quickly. I apologised to my boyfriend for leaving him inside when I came back after 5 minutes, he was watching tv, with a panicked look on his face. Before I said anything he said, “You don’t smoke. Right?” I decided to not elaborate on this subject and I thought I could make a joke out of it, which I see now was mean, however we are like this too eachother with a lot of things. I responded with, “Oh, I don’t?” With a wink.

This is the conversation basically after that.

 

Him: My heart is literally racing. Tell me you don’t smoke. I’m not going to be one bit happy if I find out now that you do.

Me: God, why would it actually matter anyway?

Him: You know I hate it, and you know I can’t be around it. It sets my asthma off, I can’t stand the smell of it. You know how bad my chest is.

 

(I really didn’t want to say that his Mum and sister smoke at this point in then argument, he’s very protective of giant family and I think it would of made him more mad.)

 

Me: Yeah I know. It’s not like I’d do it near you. So what’s the big deal?

Him: I can smell it of people! My chest is too sensitive to it I wouldn’t even be able to kiss you.

Me: So you’d leave me if I smoked.

Him: Considering how bad you know my chest is, yeah I would.

Me: Oh wow, okay. Well I don’t anyway.

Him: Good. I’ll text you after work.

 

He then leaves. What I’m most upset about is how he could so easily say he wouldn’t leave me. No hesitation, no trying to help me quit. He’d just go. Is he in the rights, or am I? I really don’t know what’s to say to him when he finishes work. I really do love him, and I don’t want to lose him by starting an argument over this. Should I just forget the whole thing?

Thank you, for any help.

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Hi everyone, I’ll try and keep this quick. I’m hoping if you can tell me if my boyfriend is being unfair to this situation.

 

My boyfriend and I have technically been together 8 months. However, after these 8 months we broke up due to trust issues, and got back together after one and a half months apart. These issues have now been resolved and things are going great. However we’ve only been back together two weeks, so I don’t want to start a serious talk or bad argument about this. I’m just looking for some advice.

This morning, my boyfriend was over at my house before he went to work. My mums boyfriend was over, who was going outside for a cigarette. I told him I would join him, NOT because I smoke, but to just tell him something in private quickly. I apologised to my boyfriend for leaving him inside when I came back after 5 minutes, he was watching tv, with a panicked look on his face. Before I said anything he said, “You don’t smoke. Right?” I decided to not elaborate on this subject and I thought I could make a joke out of it, which I see now was mean, however we are like this too eachother with a lot of things. I responded with, “Oh, I don’t?” With a wink.

This is the conversation basically after that.

 

Him: My heart is literally racing. Tell me you don’t smoke. I’m not going to be one bit happy if I find out now that you do.

Me: God, why would it actually matter anyway?

Him: You know I hate it, and you know I can’t be around it. It sets my asthma off, I can’t stand the smell of it. You know how bad my chest is.

 

(I really didn’t want to say that his Mum and sister smoke at this point in then argument, he’s very protective of giant family and I think it would of made him more mad.)

 

Me: Yeah I know. It’s not like I’d do it near you. So what’s the big deal?

Him: I can smell it of people! My chest is too sensitive to it I wouldn’t even be able to kiss you.

Me: So you’d leave me if I smoked.

Him: Considering how bad you know my chest is, yeah I would.

Me: Oh wow, okay. Well I don’t anyway.

Him: Good. I’ll text you after work.

 

He then leaves. What I’m most upset about is how he could so easily say he wouldn’t leave me. No hesitation, no trying to help me quit. He’d just go. Is he in the rights, or am I? I really don’t know what’s to say to him when he finishes work. I really do love him, and I don’t want to lose him by starting an argument over this. Should I just forget the whole thing?

Thank you, for any help.

As an asthmatic I can TOTALLY get his point. Why would you want to live with constant ill health and a chance of death just to be with somebody ? You know asthma may can be potentially fatal right ? Or constant chest infections because somebody smokes on you . He’s absolutely right to say he would leave .

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I don't have asthma, but I will not even date a smoker. And if I chose to get into a relationship with someone who did not smoke, and they decided to start, I would also be raising the point of moving on from that relationship.

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Just to give you the other side of this... I am a smoker. I am not offended by this.

 

To be honest, when dating, I am very wary of dating non-smokers. I am aware I should quit, but I don’t want it to be an ongoing theme in my relationships. If/when I quit, I will do it on my own time. It sounds crazy... but I actually look for other smokers to date.

 

Smokers date smokers and non-smokers date non-smokers. It’s a pretty big dealbreaker for most people.

 

I don’t think it’s a reflection of his love for you. It’s a reflection of the lifestyle he wants to lead and the quality of life he wants to have. If you no longer fit into that vision, of course it’s a dealbreaker.

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Why would this upset you? Of course he's "right". He can date whomever he wants and smoking is a deal-breaker for him. Why should someone else suffer with your bad habits or bother helping you quit? That's absurd.

 

You started the argument by attempting to assert a 'what if' scenario to see if he'd risk his health or jump through hoops for someone he's only dated a few months and recently broke up with. Unfortunately it sounds like you are dealing with some sort of baggage and need some sort of excessive validation.

What I’m most upset about is how he could so easily say he wouldn’t leave me. No hesitation, no trying to help me quit. He’d just go. Is he in the rights, or am I?
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Smoking cigarettes or anything would have been a dealbreaker for me- I agree with the others and about your attitude about it. I smoked for 1-2 years as a teenager and quit over 35 years ago. I dated smokers as a teenager, never again after that. And I don't have asthma.

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As a smoker and someone who was in a long relationship with someone who didnt smoke, let me tell you I completely understand your bf. IF you become a smoker (please dont its an awful awful addiction) even if he stayed to help you quit it wouldnt be that smooth. And it would bring sooo many arguments and pressure on both.

 

Other thing - talk to him, apologize for initating "what if" convo. And dont do it again. What ifs are the worst and very stupid reasons to bring fighting and stress in a good relationship. Its not like he said he will leave you if you decided you dont want kids or smtg. But even then he would have the right to do so. You got upset because he didnt meet your expectations, but im sorry your expectations are not realistic. Same as you have the right to leave someone for doing smtg that hurts you, he has the same right. Being with someone doesnt mean that person has to bend their back for you. Maybe in movies only. So, try to look at this from his perspective and dont bring unnecessary arguments in your relationship. Im telling you this from personal experience, as it was one of the reasons it ruined my relationship.

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While no, I don't like the way he handled this (yes, he could offer to stand by you while you quit, etc.), I also don't like the way you handled this.

 

You handled it almost as a dare to him, and he called your bluff.

 

As a nonsmoker, I can't stand smoke, and it's a total dealbreaker for me. If I was dating someone, and found out they smoke without a plan to quit, yes, unfortunately, it would be the end for me as well.

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Your relationship was already on rocky ground once. Now, only back together two weeks, and when he comes over to see you before work, you leave him sitting to watch t.v. by himself? Even if it's for 5 minutes, couldn't you have waited until your bf left to speak to your mother's bf? And the way you spoke to your bf--it doesn't sound like you're very concerned about the relationship ending again. Educate yourself on what it takes to be a good partner. Maybe read some books on relationships, or at least Google some articles.

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Smoking is a definitely a dealbreaker for many people. It's a major filter on dating apps to filter people out. 20% of people smoke, there's tons of choices in non-smokers. Smoking was definitely off the table when we met and dated.

 

I wouldn't leave my wife if she smoked, as long as as she was committed to quitting. However I find the habit disgusting and expensive, and would not tolerate it forever. And I'm not even allergic it to it.

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Smoking is a deal breaker for me too, what a gross and disgusting habit. The stink is awful. Add that to a guy who has asthma and yeah, no wonder he'd leave you if you smoked. Of course he would, his health is at stake.

 

You handled this poorly and immaturely. Smarten up.

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He then leaves. What I’m most upset about is how he could so easily say he wouldn’t leave me. No hesitation, no trying to help me quit. He’d just go. Is he in the rights, or am I?

 

He is.

 

You're a grown woman (playing mean games and then wants to cry when she got pinched by them) who is responsible for your own life. He's not--he's responsible for his life and health and being with a smoker cannot happen in his life. You know what you need to do and if you don't, google is your friend.

 

So instead of saying that you smoked or didn't smoke, which would have been you standing in your truth, you instead decided to antagonize him when he is well to be over-concerned about anything that touches upon his health.

 

I really don’t know what’s to say to him when he finishes work. I really do love him, and I don’t want to lose him by starting an argument over this. Should I just forget the whole thing?

Thank you, for any help.

 

You need to apologize to him for playing mind games and unnecessarily upsetting him.

 

When you talk to him, instead of formulating what you're going to say next, try listening to what he is saying to you.

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It was kind of shady how you were a but coy. you didn't say "of course i don't. I just wanted to tell him something" you left it in the "maybe wink wink" department. You got what you dished out.

 

The fact that smoking is a dealbreaker shouldnt' worry you unless you have been planning to start smoking.

 

His mom may smoke -- but he can't control her and he probably doesn't sit with her while she is smoking --- he doesn't want to end up in the same boat with a future wife or a girlfriend.

 

I think you dug your own hole here, actually. And if he started dating believing you were a nonsmoker, and you started, i would dump you, too

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Your relationship was already on rocky ground once. Now, only back together two weeks, and when he comes over to see you before work, you leave him sitting to watch t.v. by himself? Even if it's for 5 minutes, couldn't you have waited until your bf left to speak to your mother's bf? And the way you spoke to your bf--it doesn't sound like you're very concerned about the relationship ending again. Educate yourself on what it takes to be a good partner. Maybe read some books on relationships, or at least Google some articles.

 

Totally this.

 

I don't really care about the smoking issue, since you weren't actually smoking and everyone has their preferences and health issues.

 

But...I'm still trying to understand why you needed to tell your mother's boyfriend something in private. And I am definitely, definitely trying to understand why you did the cute winky thing (like abitbroken said) instead of being honest and upfront to begin with. Oh, right, the sense of humor. Well, you could see how well that went. You could have deflated the whole argument right away by telling him what was going on. I think he just wanted to understand why you stepped out like that because you did so without any explanation or apology to him. That's pretty rude.

 

Even if you just had a house guest (a neighbor or whatever) come over, it's common sense to excuse yourself if you need to go to the bathroom or leave the room. Now this is your boyfriend, someone whose feelings you're supposed to care about, and he sees you stepping out with your mother's boyfriend to whisper secrets. It's all very high school. I don't think you're ready for a real relationship.

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So you are just back together from trust issues and you bait him into an argument over something you know is a dealbreaker for him and you are asking if he acted wrong?

 

Why on earth would you not just answer his valid question with an honest answer?

 

You need to look inward on this one, not towards him. You were wrong.

 

Apologize for jerking him around and try and figure out why you got so much pleasure from what you did.

 

Lost

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Smoking (anything...) is a huge deal breaker for me, also drugs. I wouldn't go on one date with a smoker, if I knew about it. This also is a deal breaker for me if I date a non-smoker who later takes up smoking, um no. I believe this is a huge lifestyle issue, and it's very difficult for people who've never smoked to date someone who does.

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