Financially Dependent Girlfriend

[YoungAdult12]

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years now, after having dating in the past. We moved in together about a year ago now and I just am not feeling the love anymore as she has shown her true colors to me. She does not pay any of the bills, her name is not on any of the important paperwork, and she also does not do any of the chores necessary to have a somewhat clean house. The only thing she offers now is paying for groceries and cooking, occasionally. I'm afraid to break up with her because I know what will happen if I were to do so and I love her. She has told me that if we were ever to break up that she would be forced to drop out of school and move back in with her parents. I don't want her to fail simply because of me but I work over 40hrs a week and looking for another job over the summer so I can have some spending money. She is wanting to get engaged to me as soon as possible and I'm not entirely sure what to do since her family is also looking for me to propose here soon. All I've read is to go and give her the tough love approach and kick her to the curb which I would have difficulty doing because I know that she relies heavily on me and has no real safety net beside what was stated above As a side note, we are 2hrs away from our families and she has a lot of stuff that would be moved out of the house.

[DanZee]

Well, I'm hearing a lot of excuses, but is she a child? Is she not able to take care of herself or deal with reality? And did you have a deal where you were going to pay all the bills and she was going to be your house servant? I guess you don't consider going to school the same as working.

 

In any event, you're not doing her any favors if you want her out and you have no intentions of marrying her. Forget the excuses. She's a big girl and can deal with life. If you want to dump her so she can get on with her life.

[SGH]

Well, if you don't want to end the relationship, it leaves you with one choice - talk to her. Tell her how you really feel in the kindest way possible and expect change. If she doesn't get a job or contribute more in keeping up the house, you know she is not the one for you. Marriage means committing for life. In order for that to work, you need to be able to live together in harmony. I agree that jumping out of the relationship because she's acting immaturely is not necessary as a first response, but keep in mind that words only go so far. If you set the boundary that she needs to meet you half way in these matter, be prepared to assert the boundary with action (ending the relationship if she does not hold up her end of the bargain) otherwise she will learn she can do as she pleases and use you. Don't ever make relationship decisions dependent on what will occur for the other person when the relationship ends. Romantic involvement is never about a person needing you. Romantic relationships are only fulfilling when both people engage in a mutually fulfilling agreement that includes both people pulling their weight.

[YoungAdult12]

Honestly, I don't think she can handle reality cause she bascically lives in her high school years. She told me when we moved in that she would cook the meals, buy groceries, and do everything but do the dishes. I currently work 2 jobs and I'm a full time student while she works one at 12hrs a week and a full time student. I want to marry her but she hasn't shown any improvement.

[SGH]

Again, YoungAdult, you have to actually communicate to her explicitly what you expect. Saying that "she can't handle it" is a cop out. She'll handle reality or face the consequences.

 

I think you're being hard on the girl, though. 12 hours a week plus full-time school is still a lot. I know you are doing more, but it's not like she's a total bum. You have pretty high standards for a partner, so don't be surprised if the next girl doesn't do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and majority of the chores.

[Honeycomb8]

She should be contributing at least 40% imo towards the bills. Don't propose, unless you want to be financially drained.

I don't know if I'd tolerate this if I were a guy. I'd be breaking up with her.

[annie24]

Before moving in together, did you come to an agreement as to how who paid which bills? You said she is a student - does she also have a part time job? I think it's really important that you talk to her before just breaking up, and being more clear about what you are expecting. Did you want a 50/50 situation? it's super important to decide these things before moving in together.

 

edited to add: ok, I see you are both students and both work. Did you two say that you would split the bills in half when you moved in together?

[MissCanuck]

Marriage would be an absolute disaster under these circumstances. Do not propose.

 

Sit her down. Explain to her that the relationship will end if there is no improvement. Be specific about what you need from her, and on what timeline. Be prepared to hear a lot of excuses, but stick to your guns. Tell her that the matter is now in her hands, and you will act accordingly.

 

However, if you are already on your way out and are not interested in trying to piece this back together - do the kindest thing possible and break up with her. Don't allow her potential resulting problems keep you where you no longer want to be.

[melancholy123]

Honestly, I don't think she can handle reality cause she bascically lives in her high school years. She told me when we moved in that she would cook the meals, buy groceries, and do everything but do the dishes. I currently work 2 jobs and I'm a full time student while she works one at 12hrs a week and a full time student. I want to marry her but she hasn't shown any improvement.

 

You must have SUCKER written on your forehead as she's conned you quite well. You do everything for her so she doesnt have to do anything! Getting a second job should not be necessary. She needs to pull up her socks and contribute. Marrying her would be insane as she will really have no reason to ever change her lazy ways. If she won't step up to the plate and be a responsible partner, you will become more miserable and eventually you will wake up and leave. Let her move back with mom and dad if that's her threat, then she can finish her schooling.

[DancingFool]

Until you both graduate and get jobs, there should be absolutely no talk of marriage. I think you should consider that seriously and make it clear to everyone where you stand on that, so people stop "expecting". That will give you some relief and a perfectly reasonable reason not to get pushed into something you are clearly uncertain about before you are really certain and ready.

 

Since you are both students, why are you killing yourself trying to play house and provider? Be students - go live in dorms, get student aid to help you and focus on your respective studies. There is literally no reason to be living in a house paying rent and working 40+hrs/week to maintain a lifestyle that you shouldn't be burdening yourself with at this point in life.

 

If I were you, I'd sit her down and tell her that you cannot continue to work like a dog, cannot afford to pay for everything and that you'll both need to make other living arrangements as I mentioned above. Unless you want to be her daddy forever, she will need to grow up and figure out how to live on her own. She is capable and if you don't think she is, well....you are being insulting to her. Thinking that your partner is just so incompetent doesn't make for a great relationship and is pretty condescending of you.

 

You both need to stop playing house and date each other as equal students, then see how things go and how you like each other when you are not provider and dependent. Either your relationship will become much healthier and stronger or it will fall apart once the current toxic dynamic is gone.

[yatsue]

Again, YoungAdult, you have to actually communicate to her explicitly what you expect. Saying that "she can't handle it" is a cop out. She'll handle reality or face the consequences.

 

I think you're being hard on the girl, though. 12 hours a week plus full-time school is still a lot. I know you are doing more, but it's not like she's a total bum. You have pretty high standards for a partner, so don't be surprised if the next girl doesn't do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and majority of the chores.

 

This post is not fair on the OP. It's been hard on the gf...what about him? It's twice as hard on him. These days, women should set their standards to be at least an equal, not a dependent. If she cannot live on her own, or cannot contribute at all, then she needs to either dorm at the university or move back home.

 

Her parents likely have two incomes or at least more support than another student working two jobs in order to make ends meet. This is also their child, not his. The OP should not be supporting her like a child would be. This completely changes the dynamics of a relationship from a partner to a dependent, resulting in the normal feelings the OP has ATM.

 

I doubt anyone would approve of this behavior if the genders were switched in this situation. I surely do not either way as another female. She needs to contribute more or be kicked out. Roomates in general even have higher standards than this girl does. A SO should be better than a simple roomate, IMO. A relationship status should not be abused in order to excuse away a poor living contribution. In the real world, she would be evicted.