Rejected by women because of my "nice guy" attitude - read for details

[DatingUgh]

https://www.nicknotas.com/blog/are-you-a-real-man-or-just-a-nice-guy/

[figureitout23]

Interesting. I think it's quite easy to put yourself in the friendzone. A woman can be attracted to a man and like aforementioned man. They are two different things. The man does something that destroys the attraction. She still likes the man, but now only wants to be friends. His behaviour has put him in the friend zone.

 

There are variations on the theme. She may stop being attracted, and not like him enough to remain friends. She may like him, but not initially be attracted. Then one day she sees him as attractive. This is rare and she be avoided as a strategy for men. This is the guy that tries and tries to sneak in under the friend radar, and convince the woman to date. She may be attracted, but not like the guy. "Hey he's cute, too bad he's such a jerk". Or, she may sleep with him, but not be seen in public with him.

 

And yes the genders can be reversed, or the same, for that matter.

 

The point being, I think it's quite easy to screw up and end up in the friend zone. Just kill the initial attraction. It can be done, trust me :)

 

Can a mans actions turn off a woman? Absolutely but it's the exact same thing if a man decides 'I'll sleep with her but I won't date her' except for women it's 'I'll hang out with him but I won't have a relationship with him' it's the same concept and same logic there a person deciding one isn't relationship material.

 

There is no dreaded friend zone a man gets into if he's nice. A man becomes undatable just like a woman becomes undatable because the woman is not attracted to him or as you say he did something to turn her off.

 

But for whatever reason these goobers think that attraction is some how different for men and women and the reason we aren't attracted is them is because something is wrong with US ( we want someone to treat us bad, not nice)

[Coolstorybro]

I'm a 20 year old male, 188cm in height(6 foot 2). I'm also a bit underweight for my height, but I exercise regularly so I look good. Anyways, I'm mentioning this because I do not think the issue is with my looks. As a matter of fact, taking into account looks, people tell me that on a scale of 1-10, I'd be a solid 8, leaning to 9.

 

The problem is as follows. Girls get attracted to my looks, but it is probably the way I talk to them that makes them lose interest in me after around 10 days or so. When I was little, I was incredibly shy. I think I have learned to overcome that problem to a certain extent, but I'm definitely introverted and not the outgoing type.

That is incredibly vague. What do you have to offer someone?

[Coolstorybro]

Interesting. I think it's quite easy to put yourself in the friendzone.

It's called rejection.

[thealchemist]

I feel like I am a nice guy. Not a "nice guy" as the current skewed definition but the true idea of it.

 

But to me being a nice guy doesn't mean you are a "white knight" looking for a codependent relationship in which you want the woman so entirely dependent on you she is incapable of autonomy.

 

The idea of a nice guy to me comes down to ONE thing. Respect.

 

I don't feel like your behavior is, in honesty, respectful. It is actually kind of insulting the way I see it.

 

You are trying to help and give advice. Which inherently makes you approach a prospective mate from a place of superiority.

 

I personally believe true egalitarianism is the only truly functional structure in a relationship.

 

If you are trying to help in the way you described you, you are acting superior, which is a huge turnoff to anyone with self respect.

 

You should have enough respect for the opinions of your partner that you don't always harp on them about what they should do in their life.

 

What makes your advice so exemplary?

 

That is arrogance, not being nice.

 

I am a nice guy. When my wife wants to talk to me I don't turn it into an event in which I can impose my opinions on her. If she asks ill tell her, but if she doesn't ask I find it disresepctful to force them onto her.

 

I feel that a nice guy is always there for his SO if needed. But doesn't impose himself without request and try to take over her life.

 

Maybe it is your arrogance that is deterring these woman not your lack of social skills.

[reinventmyself]

Not sure if this is what's going on, but I'll just jump in here.

 

Sometimes when people who hardly know each other start confiding in one another it creates a false sense of intimacy.

 

Have you ever met that person that got too close too quick? It's not natural to divulge personal history with someone you hardly know. Or have someone sooth you into confiding with him and being a sounding board early on.

 

It's almost on a subconsciousness level that you feel somewhat exposed and pull away. After all, you don't even know this person.

 

It's also what attracts codependents to one another and it's not a healthy way to build on a relationship. Some people will do this to be manipulative at times. Once I read this and experienced it myself, I can actually feel myself recoil when someone I don't know tries too hard to

get into my good graces by being inappropriately too familiar.

 

Stop being the sounding board for women. You don't want to be their bbf.

[katrina1980]

 

Once I read this and experienced it myself, I can actually feel myself recoil when someone I don't know tries too hard to get into my good graces by being inappropriately too familiar.

 

If the reason they're sharing is because they are "trying too hard to get into your good graces" that is manipulative for sure and would not fly with me. Just like anything else that's done in an effort to get into my good graces. It's manipulative and disingenuous.

 

But I don't think that is always the case. Sometimes people just click and feel more comfortable being open and sharing and I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily.

 

The man I am dating opened up fairly quickly, shared things with me he wasn't comfortable sharing with other women so soon. There was a certain comfort level there; it was natural and definitely not forced nor done in a manipulative way.

 

So while yes, sometimes sharing too much too soon can foster a false sense of intimacy but not always. Sometimes it can feel perfectly natural and genuine, depending on your interaction and how comfortable you feel with each other.

[Sportster2005]

 

There is no dreaded friend zone a man gets into if he's nice.

Agree, sort of. It's not about nice vs bad. It's the woman(or man) that simply wants to be pursued by someone they are initially attracted to. Instead of pursuing, they fall into doormat behaviour. They put thier crush on a pedestal and overwhelm them with "niceness". I believe we all want to date someone who is kind and nice. Unfortunately someone who is only nice, may not be that attractive. My personal belief is some people compensate for a lack of attractiveness by overplaying their nice card. They feel entitled to reciprocation because they are so nice. Often when this gambit doesn't pay off, they get angry and resentful. They then turn to the Internet and claim "Nice guys finish last", and "Women just want to date bad boys." These "nice" guys are usually given the "just friends" excuse. so regardless if they truly are sent to the friend zone, the pattern is real. Women send men to the friend zone for being nice, or more accurately, women send men to the friend zone because he is ONLY nice, not because he is nice. Regardless, I do agree men(mostly) need to stop complaining about the "nice guy / freindzone" phenomenon. Men(mostly) need to up their game and improve instead of placing blame on women. I say mostly, because that is my observation. I suspect the same is true for all genders.

But for whatever reason these goobers think that attraction is some how different for men and women and the reason we aren't attracted is them is because something is wrong with US ( we want someone to treat us bad, not nice)

Strongly and absolutely agree. I think the number one mistake people make in dating is blaming the gender they are trying to attract. When I hear "Women just want money" or "Men just want sex", I just roll my eyes now. It's not women, or men that have the problem. It's individuals. And if your dating life sucks, the reason is the individual. Improve yourself, or stay home, but stop complaining.

[abitbroken]

Agree, sort of. It's not about nice vs bad. It's the woman(or man) that simply wants to be pursued by someone they are initially attracted to. Instead of pursuing, they fall into doormat behaviour. They put thier crush on a pedestal and overwhelm them with "niceness". I believe we all want to date someone who is kind and nice. Unfortunately someone who is only nice, may not be that attractive. My personal belief is some people compensate for a lack of attractiveness by overplaying their nice card. They feel entitled to reciprocation because they are so nice. Often when this gambit doesn't pay off, they get angry and resentful. They then turn to the Internet and claim "Nice guys finish last", and "Women just want to date bad boys." These "nice" guys are usually given the "just friends" excuse. so regardless if they truly are sent to the friend zone, the pattern is real. Women send men to the friend zone for being nice, or more accurately, women send men to the friend zone because he is ONLY nice, not because he is nice. Regardless, I do agree men(mostly) need to stop complaining about the "nice guy / freindzone" phenomenon. Men(mostly) need to up their game and improve instead of placing blame on women. I say mostly, because that is my observation. I suspect the same is true for all genders.

 

Strongly and absolutely agree. I think the number one mistake people make in dating is blaming the gender they are trying to attract. When I hear "Women just want money" or "Men just want sex", I just roll my eyes now. It's not women, or men that have the problem. It's individuals. And if your dating life sucks, the reason is the individual. Improve yourself, or stay home, but stop complaining.

 

Preach!!

 

Also, there are guys who try to "prove how nice they are" and try to bombard a woman with it. Instead of having a nice date and leave her looking forward to more, he offers to fix whatever problem she has, even if its not really a problem (says in passing she is taking her car in tomorrow and he jumps to offer to drive her even though there is no need nor any expressed need by her -- she is just talking about her schedule) and talks about times he saved the day or was the hero a lot, etc., instead of being confident and just setting up the next date, but having the attitude that this woman is not the only one on earth and it won't make or break him if she turns down another date.

[SoulTaker]

Sounds like you lack confidence. When you're confident you don't care about 'nice' or 'bad', or the way you look. You approach women with a positive, confident attitude, and let the chips fall where they may. If they like you great, if they don't like you, great. There's always another one around the corner.

 

Worry less, be happy, and care less what women think.

 

And one last thought. One person's boring, is another person's excitement.

 

+1. Sportster hit it right on the nail. It's not just about you trying to pursue her, it's about giving her a reason to want to pursue you. And, you can't do that if you are smothering her (over-pursuing).

 

Also, don't live in the past, or use shyness as an excuse. Keep the conversations in the present, they're not dating your past self.