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Rejected by women because of my "nice guy" attitude - read for details


siegfried9
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Hey all. I'll just get to the point.

 

Before I say anything, please do not think I'm bragging and trying to sound cool. If I wanted that, I wouldn't even be here.

 

 

I'm a 20 year old male, 188cm in height(6 foot 2). I'm also a bit underweight for my height, but I exercise regularly so I look good. Anyways, I'm mentioning this because I do not think the issue is with my looks. As a matter of fact, taking into account looks, people tell me that on a scale of 1-10, I'd be a solid 8, leaning to 9.

 

The problem is as follows. Girls get attracted to my looks, but it is probably the way I talk to them that makes them lose interest in me after around 10 days or so. When I was little, I was incredibly shy. I think I have learned to overcome that problem to a certain extent, but I'm definitely introverted and not the outgoing type.

 

 

When I talk to girls, I feel as though I play the nice guy too much and they lose interest in me because of that. I get that this is wrong, but the reason is unknown to me. I mean, how can I balance between being the good guy and the "bad" guy?(please do not laugh, I'm being serious right now)

I do not drown them with messages, I have my own time, but I simply feel like I'm boring to a girl. I seriously do not know how to help myself. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

 

Thanks!

 

-F

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So when you say "nice" what do you mean? What is "good" to you? I didn't want a "nice" guy - I wanted a guy who was thoughtful, compassionate and had a backbone, reasonable level of confidence and his own fun fulfilling life. It is about being yourself and giving people the space to get to know you over time. Work on being a good and active listener and bring up topics that are open ended - are you into movies? music? theater? travel? -and maybe do activity dates -go on a hike, go rock climbing indoors or outdoors, go to an interesting, interactive museum so you're not always sitting across a table trying to force conversation.

 

My husband was so very shy when we first met and could be socially awkward too. And cute, smart, a good person. I remember there was a chick flick coming out (before you were even born LOL) and I asked if he'd see it with me so he said enthusiastically "sure!" Well, he really dislikes chick flicks, ok? And I figured he did so I said to him, jokingly, that he was supposed to say "no way" or something like that.

 

I think you're confusing nice with passivity/being a yes man. That's not nice -it's annoying and only a turn on to people who want to be in control all the time.

 

I am not laughing at all at what you wrote -I take it seriously because I know exactly what you're talking about and I see why you might have been mistaken on how to interact effectively with women you might wish to date.

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I think you're confusing nice with passivity/being a yes man. That's not nice -it's annoying and only a turn on to people who want to be in control all the time.

 

Probably. I personally think it has a lot to do with my growing up. Never had any siblings and no real friends when I was little, so I probably do not know how to behave in certain situations. Could it possibly be me lacking self-confidence? I have had that issue not only in this aspect of life.

 

 

The main problem is I do not see what I do wrong when I chat. To give you a clearer picture, I try to be the guy who gives life advice(I myself having been through a lot since my father's passing), I'd be the one who's up all night trying to help you with a certain problem, or just listening to you. Every time the women I talk to end up being with other men who are (not my own opinion) slightly worse looking than me(sorry this is really not my own opinion, I asked many, many different people for advice and I do not want to come off as being rude). They consider me their "sweet friend", lol.

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Probably. I personally think it has a lot to do with my growing up. Never had any siblings and no real friends when I was little, so I probably do not know how to behave in certain situations. Could it possibly be me lacking self-confidence? I have had that issue not only in this aspect of life.

 

 

The main problem is I do not see what I do wrong when I chat. To give you a clearer picture, I try to be the guy who gives life advice(I myself having been through a lot since my father's passing), I'd be the one who's up all night trying to help you with a certain problem, or just listening to you. Every time the women I talk to end up being with other men who are (not my own opinion) slightly worse looking than me(sorry this is really not my own opinion, I asked many, many different people for advice and I do not want to come off as being rude). They consider me their "sweet friend", lol.

 

Oh ok I get it. And I am sorry about your father's passing. This is what I would do if I were you. If a woman you are romantically interested in seems to need that level of "support" from you -a guy she really doesn't know well - I'd be a bit suspicious that she was wanting to share to that extent if she's also trying to make a good impression on you for romantic reasons. Chances are she's not into you that way in the first place and that is why she's willing to spill her guts and use you as a sounding board. Looks are only part of it. I went on dates with some very handsome men -objectively speaking -and they just did not do it for me at all which sometimes left me puzzled but it is what it is. Sometimes that had to do with insecurity/lack of confidence.

 

I think you're trying too hard. Save your hours of "life advice" for situations where it's an established, platonic friend, a woman you're not interested in dating or a woman you're seriously dating where there's strong mutual chemistry -and if you have that -then dole it out in small doses and be wary of being the one who stays up with her every night while she vents about life. In a crisis, sure, when she's feeling sick, sure, but let her be there for you too. Don't put all your cards on the table at once and be the person who is always available/overeager. Give the women space to get to know you.

 

Also your approach is safer emotionally -you are the advice-giver and you're the listener - so you don't have to be vulnerable because you're the one who knows more about life (or, at least, you think you do) and you're in control helping the damsel in distress. People who want a healthy relationship like things to be a bit more equal.

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I know a little bit what you are going through it is hard as i am shy not as much as i was.

I never had hardly any friends.

It is self confidence i think you will get better what helped me is i joined a drama group (as a hobby) and it gave me a bit of confidence.

That may help.

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Please elaborate what you mean by 'nice guy' keeping in mind its incredibly insulting to insinuate that women don't want men who treat them 'nice' and prefer a holes. Please dont simplify us in that manner, youll get a lot farther if youre honest with yourself about your dating weaknesses, I can guarantee you, its not that you're "too nice"

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Try not to put yourself in the friendzone by acting like a male-gf this way. Also nobody wants unsolicited advice and perhaps you are giving too much advice. You don't have to be a bad guy and nice guys do just fine, but don't smother people like this.

I try to be the guy who gives life advice, I'd be the one who's up all night trying to help you with a certain problem, or just listening to you.
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You should not be a woman's therapist. If a guy i just met started giving me advice about my life that i didn't ask for, i would think he thinks that i don't have a brain. You can't walk around blaming your upbringing. Why not just go with a young woman out to the movies, out hiking or something and just have fun?.

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You should not be a woman's therapist. If a guy i just met started giving me advice about my life that i didn't ask for, i would think he thinks that i don't have a brain. You can't walk around blaming your upbringing. Why not just go with a young woman out to the movies, out hiking or something and just have fun?.

 

Because he's watched too many movies where that type of behavior always gets the girl, even though it gets you rejected 110% of the time in real life.

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Yeah don't act like a gay bff. Be a man and show opinions and a back bone. I think a lot of guys think nice automatically entitles them to a girl, it's presumptuous and simply unrealistic.

Lots of nice guys do well with girls. But that's because they're masculine and compassionate and confident. Nice shouldn't just be the quality we need to pat you on the back for?

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Oh boy, it is such a pet peeve when people start telling posters their putting themselves in the friendzone with their action. Either I'm a complete oddball who doesn't date normally or that idea is completely false.

 

If a woman likes you romantically she likes you romantically it's the same for men and women if a man likes you and sees himself in a relationship with you it's not going to change because you sleep with him if you're a listening ear it doesn't mean she thinks to herself, " well I WAS going to date you but not that you talked to me YUCK!" That's not how it works!

 

The woman the man whatever was never interested. Ask any man or woman if the interest is there something as obscure as giving advice isn't goes to change that.

Never interested in you romantically but will still be friends with you is what happens every time yet men have convinced themselves it's something they did. She doesn't want you, it's that simple!!!!

 

Ugh! Sorry it's just so insulting in my eyes this concept, I want it to die in a fire.

 

In my mind it's not what you're doing it's what you're not doing.

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Oh boy, it is such a pet peeve when people start telling posters their putting themselves in the friendzone with their action. Either I'm a complete oddball who doesn't date normally or that idea is completely false.

 

If a woman likes you romantically she likes you romantically it's the same for men and women if a man likes you and sees himself in a relationship with you it's not going to change because you sleep with him if you're a listening ear it doesn't mean she thinks to herself, " well I WAS going to date you but not that you talked to me YUCK!" That's not how it works!

 

The woman the man whatever was never interested. Ask any man or woman if the interest is there something as obscure as giving advice isn't goes to change that.

Never interested in you romantically but will still be friends with you is what happens every time yet men have convinced themselves it's something they did. She doesn't want you, it's that simple!!!!

 

Ugh! Sorry it's just so insulting in my eyes this concept, I want it to die in a fire.

 

In my mind it's not what you're doing it's what you're not doing.

 

I've lost initial attraction if I get a strong whiff of neediness/overeager/trying too hard. And it's not really friendzone because it's not that I'm that interested in being friends either. That to me is what initial dates are for -there might be an initial attraction but as you spend time with the person you might find that that initial spark fades when you get to know the person better and see how they interact with you.

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Oh boy, it is such a pet peeve when people start telling posters their putting themselves in the friendzone with their action. Either I'm a complete oddball who doesn't date normally or that idea is completely false.

 

If a woman likes you romantically she likes you romantically it's the same for men and women if a man likes you and sees himself in a relationship with you it's not going to change because you sleep with him if you're a listening ear it doesn't mean she thinks to herself, " well I WAS going to date you but not that you talked to me YUCK!" That's not how it works!

 

The woman the man whatever was never interested. Ask any man or woman if the interest is there something as obscure as giving advice isn't goes to change that.

Never interested in you romantically but will still be friends with you is what happens every time yet men have convinced themselves it's something they did. She doesn't want you, it's that simple!!!!

 

Ugh! Sorry it's just so insulting in my eyes this concept, I want it to die in a fire.

 

In my mind it's not what you're doing it's what you're not doing.

 

I am inclined to agree with this^^ and figureitout, please correct me if I'm wrong but I didn't interpret your post as meaning overly needy and clingy but more a man being very open and engaging and if that meant offering some unsolicited advice from time to time, so be it.

 

Yeah if a woman is attracted to you (beyond the physical), she will not get turned off because of that, in fact, for me personally, I may become more attracted, because it reflects his interest in me, which increases my interest level.

 

And even if/when he displays a bit of neediness (not overly so), it turns me on too, as it reflects a certain vulnerability which I find endearing and rather like.

 

Now this is only when I am very attracted (again beyond the physical) and feel that pull/connection/energy with a man.

 

With a man I do not feel that energy/pull/connection with, I may use this as an excuse to justify my non-attraction when the reality is I just don't feel much chemistry or connection with him, which I have always found to be mutual anyway, when it's genuine and not based on looks or anything else superficial.

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and if that meant offering some unsolicited advice from time to time, so be it.

 

 

But that's not what you do in the "warm up" - the initial phone conversations that lead towards a first date or even a first date. He should be getting to know her, arrange a coffee date, etc. And it depends on what the unsolicited advice is. If you comment about how she should do her hair different or how her clothes could fit better - then you will strike out.

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But that's not what you do in the "warm up" - the initial phone conversations that lead towards a first date or even a first date. He should be getting to know her, arrange a coffee date, etc. And it depends on what the unsolicited advice is. If you comment about how she should do her hair different or how her clothes could fit better - then you will strike out.

 

Of course.

 

I thought we were talking about the early stages of dating, after those initial dates during which you're determining if you're attracted to this person (beyond the physical) and if there's energy/chemistry.

 

And lol yeah, if he's advising me how to wear my hair, or any other frivolous and superficial nonsense like that, that's just a huge turn off at any level of dating!

 

There are so many different nuances to this, it's literally impossible to narrow it down to this or that, imo.

 

For me, bottom line, it depends on the guy, how we interact, and our mutual energy.

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I suggest we replace "nice" with the word "kind".

 

Behaviors many people associate with "nice" really are socially acceptable ways of avoiding responsibility. Example: when an animal is injured beyond repair, we (with regrets) "put it down". The person who kills the dying animal may not be "nice" but that person certainly is "kind".

 

My bf is kind. I have known him for over a decade a bit of a player and have kept a friendzone distance. When he finally asked me out, it was decisive, he made his intentions clear, and he very much was focused on getting what he wanted. He wasn't being nice, per se, but his clarity and his responsibility made his ask kind, and hot, and acceptable.

 

Be kind. Also, be self serving.

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There's a problem with the girls and not you. So many screwed up people in this world today it's difficult to find a good one who will appreciate the goodness in you.

 

You have to weed through a lot of muck to find a diamond on the rough. Don't give up!!

 

You want to find that one woman who loves that you're a good guy and will bring that out in you and is proud for you to be that way. Keep searching for her.

You don't want the women who want to change that in you and don't appreciate that in you.

 

Value yourself enough to find Miss Right and not whomever comes along. It's difficult for anyone to find the right one but it's worth it.

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Hey all. I'll just get to the point.

 

Before I say anything, please do not think I'm bragging and trying to sound cool. If I wanted that, I wouldn't even be here.

 

 

I'm a 20 year old male, 188cm in height(6 foot 2). I'm also a bit underweight for my height, but I exercise regularly so I look good. Anyways, I'm mentioning this because I do not think the issue is with my looks. As a matter of fact, taking into account looks, people tell me that on a scale of 1-10, I'd be a solid 8, leaning to 9.

 

The problem is as follows. Girls get attracted to my looks, but it is probably the way I talk to them that makes them lose interest in me after around 10 days or so. When I was little, I was incredibly shy. I think I have learned to overcome that problem to a certain extent, but I'm definitely introverted and not the outgoing type.

 

 

When I talk to girls, I feel as though I play the nice guy too much and they lose interest in me because of that. I get that this is wrong, but the reason is unknown to me. I mean, how can I balance between being the good guy and the "bad" guy?(please do not laugh, I'm being serious right now)

I do not drown them with messages, I have my own time, but I simply feel like I'm boring to a girl. I seriously do not know how to help myself. Any advice would be appreciated!

 

 

Thanks!

 

-F

 

Sounds like you lack confidence. When you're confident you don't care about 'nice' or 'bad', or the way you look. You approach women with a positive, confident attitude, and let the chips fall where they may. If they like you great, if they don't like you, great. There's always another one around the corner.

 

Worry less, be happy, and care less what women think.

 

And one last thought. One person's boring, is another person's excitement.

Edited by Sportster2005
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Oh boy, it is such a pet peeve when people start telling posters their putting themselves in the friendzone with their action. .

 

 

Interesting. I think it's quite easy to put yourself in the friendzone. A woman can be attracted to a man and like aforementioned man. They are two different things. The man does something that destroys the attraction. She still likes the man, but now only wants to be friends. His behaviour has put him in the friend zone.

 

There are variations on the theme. She may stop being attracted, and not like him enough to remain friends. She may like him, but not initially be attracted. Then one day she sees him as attractive. This is rare and she be avoided as a strategy for men. This is the guy that tries and tries to sneak in under the friend radar, and convince the woman to date. She may be attracted, but not like the guy. "Hey he's cute, too bad he's such a jerk". Or, she may sleep with him, but not be seen in public with him.

 

And yes the genders can be reversed, or the same, for that matter.

 

The point being, I think it's quite easy to screw up and end up in the friend zone. Just kill the initial attraction. It can be done, trust me :)

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