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Is this cheating?


Anonyme95
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I met this guy on a dating app at the start of January. We spoke for about 4 weeks, everyday all day, over text until we finally met up in person for our first date at the end of January. We had a really great time and clicked straight away. After that we continued speaking all day everyday over text, but didn't meet up in person that often. It got to around mid-March, by this point we'd been speaking everyday for about 3 months and but had only had 4 dates in total in the space of 2 months (roughly one every 2 weeks). I was starting to think that either he wasn't interested, or seeing someone else, because it was always me initiating the next date and he was busy often. Each date was around 3/4 hours long and we hadn't slept together at this point, but had kissed a lot. There was also no talk of exclusivity or relationships, we were still getting to know each other. I knew the only way to get to know him better was in person, so I suggested meeting up one weekend. He said he was busy all weekend with his friends and his car. I was quite confused at this point because it seemed like he wasn't making an effort to see me, which made me feel really rubbish about myself. I figured that we weren't in a relationship though so I couldn't say anything. So I decided to take a step back and just go out with my friends that weekend and enjoy myself. I ended up kissing two guys whilst drunk and giving one of them my number. This is completely out of character for me and not something I'd likely do again, even if single. I'll never see either of them again. and i'm not using being drunk as an excuse for it either.

 

I really liked the guy I was seeing, and we had both said we liked each other, so I felt really guilty the next day. In my eyes, it wasn't technically cheating because we hadn't discussed exclusivity but morally it's not something I feel happy having done. Also, in the UK dating multiple people at once is frowned upon. I'm a very honest and trustworthy person so my first instinct was to tell him, but then I figured that we weren't even close enough at that point to talk about that sort of stuff. I decided to just forget about it and saw the guy two weeks later for our 5th date. We've since been on a few more dates and slept together. We're definitely a lot closer now and more comfortable around each other, but still not exclusive. I also haven't kissed/spoken to/dated/slept with anyone else, other than those two I kissed in March, since I've known him (January). But now our relationship is finally progressing I'm starting to feel guilty about what happened 2/3 months ago and am unsure whether I should tell him. I feel like it's a weird situation because we spoke everyday all day, said we liked each other, and had been technically dating for 2/3 months which is what made me feel guilty. But at the same time we'd only met up in person 4 times, had a lot to learn about each other, hadn't discussed exclusivity, hadn't slept together, weren't seeing each other more than fortnightly and weren't close enough to talk about this stuff. So in reality the relationship wasn't as progressed as you'd expect at 2/3 months.

 

I do have anxiety and sometimes overthink/worry about situations to the point where I can't rationalise anymore, so some opinions on whether or not this is cheating/whether I need to tell him would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry this has somehow ended up really long. :smug:

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Forget about it. I'm more then certain that he has dated other girls during the times between your very infrequent dates. You've still not had a talk about exclusivity so you would do well to broach the subject sooner rather then later. You're sexually intimate and if you don't like dating more then one person at a time then I'll assume you wouldn't want him doing it either. Anyway, talking about kissing another guy when you're not even sure if you're an exclusive couple is inappropriate IMO. It is your business and none of his.

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I feel like it's a weird situation because we spoke everyday all day, said we liked each other, and had been technically dating for 2/3 months which is what made me feel guilty. But at the same time we'd only met up in person 4 times, had a lot to learn about each other, hadn't discussed exclusivity, hadn't slept together, weren't seeing each other more than fortnightly and weren't close enough to talk about this stuff.

 

What does technically dating even mean, really? 2 or 3 months and only 4 dates is very casual.

 

I think you're being far too hard on yourself. You weren't his girlfriend and you barely saw each other at that point. I would not bother sharing, as I can't see that you did anything wrong and certainly would not call it cheating. Heck, he was likely seeing or talking to other girls too. It often comes with the territory early on, particularly when you are hardly seeing each other in person. There could have been someone else taking up his time and attention at that stage, for all you know.

 

I would chalk this up to you over-thinking, girl.

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Also, in the UK dating multiple people at once is frowned upon.

 

 

I've heard this before and find it quite interesting, how is it frowned upon?

 

In any event, since you're not exclusive no you did not cheat.

 

Even though it may be frowned upon, sounds like he's multi-dating, and either you're okay with that or not.

 

If not, walk away and look for a guy who dates the way you do (one at a time).

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OP, fwiw, apparently, multi-dating in UK is no longer frowned upon and considered quite standard for many people, in early stages.

 

>>"According to a new survey, unless you've used the word "exclusive" don't expect monogamy from day one. One in four UK men and over a third of women would openly date, one, two, three or even four people in the early stage of a relationship. In the classic style of British courtship, your eyes might meet across a crowded pub, you'd have a chat and exchange mobile numbers.

 

Over the next few days, you'd swap a few text messages, speak on phone and arrange to go out for a bite to eat. Then comes the (possibly drunken) snog at the end of the first date and if you still liked each other, you'd arrange another few dates, same pattern, plus or minus the sex. At first you'd just be "seeing each other" and after a few weeks, you'd casually drop into conversation that you were "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." And hey, presto, you're now a couple."

 

Interesting how things are done there versus here (America) where early sex is frowned upon and formal "exclusivity talks" are the standard.

 

More or less. :D

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You didn't cheat. Hell most of the time, if things are going well I'd be seeing a guy at least 2 times a week in the first month. If you were seeing him a few times a week and you slept with someone, I'd say it's still not cheating unless you guys discussed exclusivity (but of course morally, it's not the best thing to do lol). If you aren't exclusive, you can do what you want.

 

You guys are still pretty casual it seems, you don't need to say anything. 4 dates of 3-4 hours long is nothing much imo.

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No. You don't owe him any explanation. You were not exclusive or committed to each other at the time you did this and he was acting like everything else in his life had priority over even carving out time for you, let alone spending time with you. His friends and his car all weekend? That was a choice he made, along with the many times he blew off spending time with you.

 

It's nice that he's finally come around, but he's not owed any explanation. He'd tell you the same thing if you were to get in his cookie dough about what he's been doing when he was choosing not to spend time with you.

 

It's not cheating. You two hadn't agreed on exclusivity.

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Your assumption seems correct. It's best to delete him stop trying to have a cyber relationship and date guys who want to date you in person.

I was starting to think that either he wasn't interested, or seeing someone else, because it was always me initiating the next date and he was busy often.
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If this bothers you so much why not discuss relationship status next time you guys go on a date? You are not in a relationship, so kissing the guys was not cheating (but it was gross, stds can be caught from kissing too, girl!) You both are just stringing this dating thing along....doesnt seem like either of you are really interested in a relationship...

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  • 1 month later...
I've heard this before and find it quite interesting, how is it frowned upon?

 

In any event, since you're not exclusive no you did not cheat.

 

Even though it may be frowned upon, sounds like he's multi-dating, and either you're okay with that or not.

 

If not, walk away and look for a guy who dates the way you do (one at a time).

 

It's true - here in old Blighty you are but a low down, loose woman should you choose to do this. At least where I am anyway, in rural parts where everyone is in everyone else's business. My friend broke up from a ten year relationship and over the course of many months casually dated two men before finding a new partner and settling down again. Next thing you know, she had 'slept her way around the whole town' (as quoted by many) and was labelled a . People just love to judge.

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