Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Ok, so here goes:

 

 

My girlfriend and I had an argument, and as a result of her reaction I'm struggling over whether the relationship is working. It was a completely innocuous thing when isolated - we're both Uni students and her library books had ran out and she had fines. She wanted me to run down to the library to take them back for her.

 

 

The thing is, I'd just got back in after going to the shops. I didn't want to run straight back out, and she's very capable of doing it herself. Her reasoning was she didn't have makeup on/hadn't washed her hair, but the library is 4-5 minutes away and a student one, nobody cares. She could have thrown on a hoody and gone on down, but she was insistent I do it because of her 'anxiety' meaning she needed to put on makeup to do it. Despite this, I know she's gone out plenty of times without makeup etc on, I feel like she just can't be bothered to do it. I told her no, I'd just got back in and she needs to do it, and that she needs to suck it up and just go down and get it done. I was a bit rude, but I was annoyed that she was getting angry at me because I wouldn't do it for her.

 

Like I said, in isolation this is a nothing incident, but I left soon after and she was obviously in a mood. It's part of a wider problem; she's always getting me to do things (go to the shops, get her food etc) and I'm sick of feeling like a servant at times, so something just kinda snapped and I was like 'No, do it yourself'. She blames her mental health for needing me to do these things, but she's an adult and would have to do them if I wasn't around. I don't mind doing things for her at all but it's constant. That night I'd brought her back dinner/something to drink from the shops but she wanted to send me out again. It would have been so easy for her to throw on a hoody and walk to the library.

 

 

She'd also been sat on her computer the entire night before and most of the day playing games and I was irritated because of that. I just kinda felt like she was only bothering with me if she needed something.

 

Anyway, I'd appreciate some advice on how to confront this with her. I have a general idea, but I wanted to get some other opinions on whether I'm not just being a bit of an arse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long has this been going on? I think you handled it fine the last time. Mental health is tough, I struggle with a lot of that too, but it doesn't mean I don't have to get my butt out the door sometimes. If you're a crutch, you're feeding into her bad habits, so I hope that you stay the course in insisting that she helps herself out most of the time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sick of feeling like a servant at times

 

If it's gotten to this point, then she is asking too much of you. It's okay for you to do nice things for your partner, but it's entirely different to treat them as a servant.

Besides, even if it was her anxiety, you're not helping her by doing things for her. You are actually hindering her. Anxiety get's worse the more a person stops doing things and allows the anxiety to take over.

 

Either way, she needs to get on her feet and do these things for herself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long has this been going on? I think you handled it fine the last time. Mental health is tough, I struggle with a lot of that too, but it doesn't mean I don't have to get my butt out the door sometimes. If you're a crutch, you're feeding into her bad habits, so I hope that you stay the course in insisting that she helps herself out most of the time.

 

For a long time. I do a lot for her, and she recognises that a lot and thanks me, but sometimes I feel like it's not helping her at all and she just gets reliant. And then other times (like this one) I just feel like a servant rather than a boyfriend, which is a terrible feeling to have.

 

She blamed anxiety and how she couldn't help it, but like I said she's gone out without makeup etc tons of times before. It's getting late, it's 3 minutes down the road and she wouldn't even have to talk to anybody. Like, just throw a hoody on and get it done, I feel like it's an excuse and she wanted to make me feel guilty. I'm not saying it doesn't exist/isn't a factor but I know for her fact her anxiety is nowhere near that bad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it's gotten to this point, then she is asking too much of you. It's okay for you to do nice things for your partner, but it's entirely different to treat them as a servant.

Besides, even if it was her anxiety, you're not helping her by doing things for her. You are actually hindering her. Anxiety get's worse the more a person stops doing things and allows the anxiety to take over.

 

Either way, she needs to get on her feet and do these things for herself.

 

 

Yeah, that is how I feel. What would she do if I'm away for a while or if we broke up? She's an adult. You can't just not leave your room to do something important just because you haven't washed your hair. She could even have just jumped in the shower quickly, the library is open 24 hours.

 

I'm just really annoyed because she got in a mood/angry with me because I wouldn't go out and do something for her, having already done plenty for her that day. There's no way I should be made to feel bad because I didn't want to go and run an errand for her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not your responsibility, therefore, say no and let it go.

 

I'd be happy to just let it go - but she's obviously in a mood with me over it and expects an apology from me. Right now she won't let us just move past it and I feel like she's just going to expect me to do things for her in the future unless I confront it properly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're completely right! You don't HAVE to do these things for her, she should be grateful that you do any of them. It's not your responsibility and if she's becoming reliant on you to do these things, that should tell you to ease up on doing them.

She is taking you for granted and is now expecting you to do them..that's not right.

 

And as I said about the anxiety, you are actually hindering her by doing these things for her. She will get worse(anxiety wise) if she keeps avoiding and you keep doing it for her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

expects an apology from me

 

An apology? Nope...that's not fair what so ever. It would be different if you borrowed books under her name and you caused her fines. But these were her own books and her own responsibility.

It's also up to her to deal with her anxiety or get proper help with it (therapy or counselling).

 

You are not her lapdog and you don't need to be apologizing. You are good to her by the sounds of it. But she needs to pull her own weight as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're completely right! You don't HAVE to do these things for her, she should be grateful that you do any of them. It's not your responsibility and if she's becoming reliant on you to do these things, that should tell you to ease up on doing them.

She is taking you for granted and is now expecting you to do them..that's not right.

 

And as I said about the anxiety, you are actually hindering her by doing these things for her. She will get worse(anxiety wise) if she keeps avoiding and you keep doing it for her.

 

 

Thanks. I guess I'll give her till the morning and if she hasn't decided to apologise for reacting the way she did I'll have to confront it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An apology? Nope...that's not fair what so ever. It would be different if you borrowed books under her name and you caused her fines. But these were her own books and her own responsibility.

It's also up to her to deal with her anxiety or get proper help with it (therapy or counselling).

 

You are not her lapdog and you don't need to be apologizing. You are good to her by the sounds of it. But she needs to pull her own weight as well.

 

I honestly think the anxiety thing isn't as bad as she makes out. I know she does suffer from it to a degree, but there are plenty of times she's gone out under similar circumstances. It's never been crippling for her while we've been together, not to the extent she's not been able to leave the flat. I genuinely think she was just exaggerating how bad it was to make me feel guilty so I'd go out and do it.

 

I could be wrong, but she's gone out without makeup etc plenty of times to get food etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Neither her mental health nor her library books are your responsibility. Saying "no" when appropriate shows you respect yourself. And, if you can't do that, people like your girlfriend will have no reason to themselves.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is not about her "mental health" (which I happen to know a few things about), this is about her being too damn **lazy** to do it herself, and expecting that per usual, you will be her "white knight" errand boy and do it for her.

 

Instead of kowtowing to her unreasonable demand and self-entitled expectation, you chose to stand up for yourself and now she's gaslighting you!

 

Flipping the script, guilt-tripping you, acting like a spoiled princess so you will apologize, thus giving her the upper hand as per usual.

 

I'm not going to put all this on her though, up till now you are the one who has allowed this, that's on you.

 

And now you want to break up with her for something you yourself have fostered and allowed (till now)?

 

Why not talk to her? Tell her she needs to start pulling her own weight and picking up her own slack?

 

Tell her you are not her errand boy, you are her *boyfriend*, and to contact you when she learns the difference.

 

May sound harsh but you simply cannot allow her to take advantage of you like this, if you allow it, she will lose respect, if she hasn't already.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you don't nip it in the bud now... it'll only get worse... especially if she is relying on you to soothe her anxiety. She needs to fix that herself, if she thinks anyone else can... sorry dude but thats a slippery slope...

 

You need to have a chat with her and explain that you can be there, but not be a crutch for when she is suffering anxiety, she needs to learn to cope with it and come through it alone... its very unhealthy her projecting that onto you. Happiness is an inside job, you cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy or cure mental health, plus its a heavy burden to carry and unfair to expect someone else to do so. Yes support, but not a crutch.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We broke up.

 

 

Wasn't really over this. Was over a few issues I didn't post in this thread because they were pretty personal. I confronted her over these issues and she basically said 'you just don't understand, I CAN'T do these things etc'.

 

 

However, we broke up because of sexual issues that were confronted when the argument developed. We'd basically only been having sex for once a month for a while now so I said it was an issue (She's on an SSRI medication which impacts sex drive, but it had been a problem before that). She suggested that we stay together but I sleep with other girls and I said no, that wouldn't work at all. It then got really messy, she had a bit of a breakdown in which she suggested she was confused about whether she was gay or asexual due to a lack of a sex drive.

 

I then said OK, we have to say this isn't working, so she said 'is that what you want?', to which I was basically like well not really, but I'm not going to be with a girl who isn't sure if she wants to have sex with me. She then backtracked on these issues saying it was just 'her brain' and she was 'pretty sure she did'. Entirely messed up, really. Then ended with her in a pretty poor mental state saying she was tired and was going to sleep and we will talk tomorrow. We've basically broken up though, I'll talk to her when she's in a better place but I see it as inevitable.

 

I'm paraphrasing quite a bit (it's pretty long/complex) but that's the TLDR version. There was a lot of stuff about her not wanting to be only able to offer sex, her fearing guys and their intentions etc, again it was all messed up. I feel like I should have made another thread about this but it's so long and complex and messed up I'm not really sure how I'd even approach it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading through the thread, it sounds like the breakup was warranted. Helping a partner who has mental health issues is difficult, but it's damn near impossible when they refuse to help themselves. I have to second katrina on the laziness comment, as well. I'm sorry your hand was forced, but sometimes relationships simply run their course. I wish you luck in your healing. Maybe try perusing the forum dedicated to healing after a breakup or divorce. A lot of individuals will give you excellent advice in regards to how to move on in the best and least painful way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

After reading through the thread, it sounds like the breakup was warranted. Helping a partner who has mental health issues is difficult, but it's damn near impossible when they refuse to help themselves. I have to second katrina on the laziness comment, as well. I'm sorry your hand was forced, but sometimes relationships simply run their course. I wish you luck in your healing. Maybe try perusing the forum dedicated to healing after a breakup or divorce. A lot of individuals will give you excellent advice in regards to how to move on in the best and least painful way.

 

 

I'll do that, thanks.

 

We've had a lot of issues of late, but bottom line I think right now she's not mentally well enough, or maybe even mature enough, for a relationship. Breaking up scares the hell out of me but after some of what she said and the way she's acted I don't really see how we come back from it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry. Seems like library books are the least of your problems. Breaking up can be an initial shock but I think some of the things she spoke about was fairly shocking as well and you're right, there's not much you can do in the way of moving past it.

 

I think the best you can do is to both go your own ways. She needs to get proper help with her issues and to get better. She also needs to figure out what she actually wants (sexually). Those are important things she needs to sort out. It will be hurtful for you if you try to stay in the picture.

 

Who knows, maybe down the line when she is in a better mindset you can find your way back to one another but for now, she really does need to get herself sorted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, feel like the library books argument was just a catalyst for a bigger discussion on the more important issues. I agree she needs time to sort herself out alone, I don't think she's in the right place for a relationship at the moment and there isn't much I can do about that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People who respect and appreciate a partner reserve favors for important matters and don't make trivial demands.

 

Sounds like this one takes you for granted, and that won't get 'better' if you cater to her. It will get worse.

 

I'd make this less about her and more about me; don't I deserve a better partner?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't blame you. There is no reason why she can't put on a baseball cap and sunglasses and run down to the library and pay her fine--or is it that she doesn't want to pay the fine and she's afraid of what they're going to say to her? That's part of being an adult--you go take care of your business and you don't pawn it off onto others.

 

If her mental health is such that she can't do things for herself, then perhaps she shouldn't be in a relationship?

 

I don't blame you. In fact, I say stick to your position. She will use you as long as you allow her to use you as her "step and fetch it".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...