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I just found out that my husband is cheating on me. Please help.


LunaLove
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Three days ago I just discovered my husband is cheating on me. I will be quite honest, we've had a few rough patches recently. My husband has worked very hard to obtain his masters degree and he just graduated earlier this month. He works an extra job in the winter mostly for fun but this also keeps him busy. The past four months, I honestly haven't been the best wife. I've been very lazy by not doing my part around the house (our house is always a mess) by not cleaning or not doing dishes regularly. My husband has more of a load of work than I do so he has been frustrated that I haven't been doing my part, as he should be. We've been together over 4 years and just got married 7 months ago... I do need to be a better wife though and I know this. Depression is something that I have always struggled with so I feel like this is partly because of that sometimes. All of this doesn't help that my sex drive is usually non existent. I still get myself in the mood. So we do usually have sex about once a week and I treat him (which I know isn't that much) but this is definitely another issue with our relationship. So the issues start with me and I am aware that I have screwed up lately and I need to be a better person. We have both talked about this. Despite the ruts, we still have a lot of fun together, have good sex, and have good moments together. We just closed on our first home less than two weeks ago and we were so excited!

 

How I found out my husband is cheating was through Snapchat. We both have this app. If you're not familiar with this Snapchat, some of this might not make sense. I use it occasionally. The other night, I was going through my friends "stories." Something that pops up are "Quick adds." I guess they're people Snapchat suggests you be friends with or you have friends in common, or maybe they're new to snapchat and they pop because you either have their phone number or you're friends on Facebook. So I see one of the "Quick adds" that clearly sticks out. I have my husband saved in my phone as "My Man." I see this "quick add" with this name but with a strange username. Something that doesn't make sense for him to have for sure ... I wasn't with him when I saw this. Immediately, I think something is up. This is completely snooping and invading his privacy but I couldn't help myself. I logout out of my snapchat and enter in this strange username and the same password that he uses for absolutely everything. Success. I'm logged in and I see there is some made up name he is using and I know it is his because I can see his phone number on the settings. I see two girl's names. I'm straight up panicking but with snapchat being the way it is, I can't see any previous messages or pictures sent but I can tell that some things have been sent and received. I haven't said anything to him because I have absolutely no idea how and I know he'll be defensive. So again, I know this is bad, but I've been logging in and out of his snapchat. Somehow, with one girl, I clicked on her name, scrolled up and saw a lengthy back and forth convo. He tells her things like "it was great talking to her, let's only message on here ok, when are we gonna hang out." He even messaged her a picture of our dog and said that our dog and her dog should meet. It sounds like they might have tried to meet up but then he says "were you nervous, I really wanted to see you." She at one point tells him to stop calling her so much when she doesn't answer but writes "yes" to hanging out. He eventually messages her asking her to unblock him from Facebook so they can message there instead???

 

Then, yesterday, my husband tells me to text him when I get off work. That's not normal for us. He usually starts calling me around 5:15 if I haven't called him yet that I'm off to talk about dinner plans and such. I am immediately suspicious, I login to his snapchat and see his messages to the same girl and three other girls he sends pictures but also messages to. I literally see a message that says "if I pay you 50, we can f***k right?" and then later "you rocked it... can I pay you tomorrow, I'm busy tonight." I have no idea if they actually met or if he has with another girl. I have no idea. I saw these messages though and my body did what I've never experienced. My joints locked up, I was shaking and tingling all over. Completely freaking out.

 

I took pictures of all of the messages with a camera. I have no idea what to do. I haven't told anyone. I want to call my friends, I want to call my mom, I almost want to call his mom and dad, talk to his best friend, I want to call him out on it but I don't. I have been pretending like I don't know a thing and it's been so hard. I just am completely scared.Â

 

I know I screwed up by being lazy lately. I truly do, but I didn't think things would EVER come to this EVER. I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've shared so many special things together. The one person I share everything with, who I tell everything, who I laugh with, who I have planned my life with, who I look forward to seeing when I come home, who I cry to, I feel like is gone. I feel like this is my fault because of how I've been and that's why I haven't said anything because I don't know how to bring it up. I want to confront him of course but I'm scared. Do I tell someone I know? Do I eventually talk to him about it? Do we see a counselor? Do we give up, divorce, and move on? I feel like if I say something, it will change things forever. When bad things happen, I turn to him and that is all I want to do but I can't. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. We both say this to each other but things will never be the same. We're supposed to go purchase new appliances this weekend for our new home but it now just all feels fake. We just talked about kids earlier this week and a lot over the past few months. He's being his normal self, and being so kind still. We are also helping some friends, who are like family to us, pack up and move to a new state this weekend. So it's been emotional and sad and that is also why I haven't said anything. I honestly do not know if he met up with anyone (yet, if I don't say anything) and I know people have much worse!! I still feel like everything is crumbling. Any advice on what steps I should take are truly appreciated. I feel like I'm trapped with this secret. Thank you for your time and anyone who has any advice.

Edited by LunaLove
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What do you want to happen? Do you want to go to counselling with or without him? Do you want him to move out, or you move out? What is your plan for yourself?

 

You will have to talk to him soon as this is obviously eating you alive, so you need to think about how you will start this needed conversation. You may need a lawyer too, so think about that as well.

 

Personally I'd show him the photos you took of the messages and then ask him what he's got to say for himself. Then I'd tell him to pack his sh*t and leave.

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took pictures of all of the messages with a camera. I have no idea what to do. I haven't told anyone. I want to call my friends, I want to call my mom

 

Good. Keep doing that. Gather all of the evidence that you can gather until there is no doubt.

 

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

 

Something like this once happened to me, on a MUCH smaller scale. It was a boyfriend, not a husband. But once I found out I was betrayed, I told everyone I knew. I tapped right into the friends and family node. And let me tell you, it felt so much better to get it out in the open instead of letting it fester in secrecy. Seriously, why hide it? It wasn't my shame; it was his. Why should I keep his nasty secrets for him?

 

I have been pretending like I don't know a thing and it's been so hard. I just am completely scared.

 

I know I screwed up by being lazy lately. I truly do, but I didn't think things would EVER come to this EVER. I feel like I've lost my best friend. We've shared so many special things together. The one person I share everything with, who I tell everything, who I laugh with, who I have planned my life with, who I look forward to seeing when I come home, who I cry to, I feel like is gone.

 

I don't blame you for feeling this way. It will be very difficult for you to do the right thing for yourself. But I hope that you do it. Things have already been changed forever, by his deeds.

 

It's not your fault. If he had a problem, he could have talked to you. Everybody and their grandmother knows that cheating has never been a solution to any problem.

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Thank you for your advice. My mind at first says counseling at first because what I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel so stupid. I love him so much, I'm just so confused. I look at him all the time and he randomly tells me he loves me so much. With our new home, I don't even know how I could afford to live alone. Everyone is just so excited for us all the time, about being newly married and now our new home. We had the absolute most amazing wedding. My parents spent so much money on it. I just don't know where to start. I want to tell someone else first before I confront him. I'm not sure who to tell.

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Thank you. You're right. I really need to let it out soon. My heart is pounding at the thought of saying this to him or anyone. I'm picturing my parents or some of my friends reactions and what they might do or say to him. Why in the world am I thinking that I wouldn't want them to scream at him? In my mind, I am defending him. We're still with all of our friends before they leave town and I want to tell someone right now but I don't want to ruin this moment or add stress to them leaving. My husband always always tells me how much he loves my body and me. I just keep wondering, when did the lies start? How long has this been going on?

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Confront him. Make him tell you exactly what happened. If you feel like you can forgive him and move on, tell him that. It will take time to build trust again and he will have to be patient. If you truly love him and he loves you and y’all think y’all can work through this, try. Marriage isn’t easy and I believe they are worth fighting for and salvaging. Y’all will need to talk about boundaries and do’s/ dont’s with social media, etc. Secret conversations and online relationships are dangerous and should be avoided!

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First make an appt with a therapist secretly and privately and discuss all your fears, concerns, evidence, etc. and how to navigate this. Work it all out there first with objective professional advice. Do not tell your people at this point because it won't help. They'll either tell you to divorce him or forgive him and if you decide to stay, it will create a huge divide and ongoing drama.

 

On another point, your housekeeping has nothing to do with his prurient online activities. It seems he's sending lewd messages to women or escorts.

I'm picturing my parents or some of my friends reactions and what they might do or say to him. I want to tell someone right now but I don't want to ruin this moment or add stress to them leaving.
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It's not a messy house that caused this, instead, using a house as a lever wrestle faux commitment from the forever undecided.

In other words, he most likely was never interested in being in a genuine marriage. Events just snowballed to where he is now.

 

So you can understand the infidelity, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough".

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This does not sound good. I am hopeful that you are able to work through this. When you confront him, you could find out that he did not do it. I know that it is hard, but you may try to talk with him through this and eventually be able to forgive him. Don't let "what might have happen" cloud your guys future. I understand you may not trust him for a while; but sit down and talk with him. This is something you should be able to work out, if you work hard at it. You said you just bought a new house? Is that going ok? You haven't told your parents or friends?

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This does not sound good. I am hopeful that you are able to work through this. When you confront him, you could find out that he did not do it. I know that it is hard, but you may try to talk with him through this and eventually be able to forgive him. Don't let "what might have happen" cloud your guys future. I understand you may not trust him for a while; but sit down and talk with him. This is something you should be able to work out, if you work hard at it. You said you just bought a new house? Is that going ok? You haven't told your parents or friends?

 

It doesnt' matter if he "Did it" or not -- he communicated with other women with the INTENT to do it. Actually having sex was only a technicality.

 

Heck - the next time he asks her to text when she leaves work, i would try to leave work early and then text him when she was already home. I might even park the car at the neighbor's.

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My ex had an affair with his work colleague. I found emails he was sending to a mutual friend about how much they loved each other.

I threw him out that day & raised my 2 small children alone.

 

I am so sorry your husband has done this. It is his problem & flaw not yours.

 

The issue is trust. He has broken all trust you had in him. You will honestly never be able to trust him again. When he is late home from work, or looking at his phone you will be wondering what he is up to. He has lied to your face & been very good at it, so he knows how to get away with it.

 

I agree with the comment about seeing a therapist asap & unloading everything on them. You will then get a clearer prospective of what you need to do.

 

I wish you luck.

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I seriously doubt a clean house would have made your husband not send those messages.

 

Your husband made a conscious choice outside of whatever is going on with your mental health--KNOWING that he's a married man. That has nothing to do with you.

 

Take Wiseman2's advice--talk to a therapist about this, not your family. It will only cause unneeded animosity if you choose to stay and work on your marriage.

 

Hire someone to come in a few times a month to clean. Problem solved.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Talk with friends, family, therapist, pastor, and your husband if needed to figure out if this marriage is something you believe is worth trying to repair. If you believe the marriage is worth trying to repair (and it will not be easy) and he wants to save it and is willing to do what is necessary, have a marriage counselor or pastor (who is experienced in marriage counseling) help you both work through your individual issues and those within your marriage. Right now you are going through a lot of hurt and mixed emotions. It is often difficult to see things as they really are and make good decisions when your emotions are all over the place. I've been there. Actually, I left my first marriage of 9 years after I found out about his affair. He and I had both been unfaithful to some degree so I was willing to at least go to counseling and attempt reconciliation but he was not willing to end the affair until we were already months into the divorce process. . .I might have still be willing to try to work through things if he had shown remorse, but he waited until our divorce was finalized to apologize and let me know he knew he'd messed up. In the end, he said he felt that after everything that had happened we could not get back what we had before and that's why he didn't try to work through things.

Stop blaming yourself. If you are depressed you need professional help. I spent a lot of time in individual and group therapy trying to find myself again after my marriage fell apart. I played the blame game and it will only make you feel worse. You are responsible for your choices and he is responsible for his. Being depressed is not a choice. It is a medical condition.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I am seriously concerned that other than some sloppy housekeeping there seemed to be nothing significantly wrong with this marriage. Yes sex once a week might be an issue for some but even then it sounds like you are considerate of his needs. He hasn't raised any issues, he looks you right in the eye and tells you he loves and you and talks of children. Your posts suggest that you are very subservient, pleasing him in bed, excusing his behaviour because of your cleaning endeavors etc. He knows this to be your personality so he's just happily bumping along sleeping with what the snapchats would suggest, married women and prostitutes. What the actual hell?? I don't always join the 'leave him immediately' brigade as situations aren't always so black and white but this is just so wrong. And anyway, should you reconcile your differences at this stage and he swears he'll never do it again, how can you possibly be sure of this. If he can cheat on you when there are no more significant problems than a messy house and once a week sex to contend with, how's he going to respond when you have kids? When you're so tired even weekly sex goes down the sink and the house has really taken a turn for the worse? What you are clinging to are your dreams of what you hoped for, not for what is at present. I can imagine that you are so frightened by now that you just can't bare the thought of anything other than finding a way to fix this, that is why you haven't raised the issue. Because if you do you might have your worst fears confirmed and right now the uncertainty is safer than the certainty. You can't go on like this, you must do what wiseman said and get counseling right away. Tell a friend, build your strength and then confront him with all your evidence. But confront him with certainty, if he sees a chance to wriggle out of it, he will. I feel so deeply for you and I really wish you all the very best. Please keep us posted.

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