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"grass is greener syndrome?" what to do now? any chance of reconciliation?


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I am aware after writing this a lot of people will tell me to move on & if that is the only option, then I will. However I dont want to give up on this girl quite yet.

 

so I met this girl online late last year, we talked for a couple of months and got on pretty well, had good banter, a lot in common etc etc. I was never sure if I wanted a girlfriend as I had been hurt in a long term relationship a couple of years before and was scared of the same thing happening again. anyway to make a long story short as possible, we ended up going on a few dates, and we really clicked. everything I wanted was there, emotionally & physically. of course she wasn't perfect in every way, she's a human being, but to me she was everything even though we only really saw each other for 4/5 months.

I decided that even though I was happy single, that this would be worth pursuing, she made me realise what I had missed so much about being in a relationship and she made me feel amazing.

skip forward a 2 months or so, and this is where things start to get tricky. she starts to worry about commitment etc even though she thinks we're great. we stop talking for a few days but she comes back, and reveals that she had slept with a couple of past flames, on a night few nights out that she had seen way before me. (obviously not at the same time). although I was hurt, I didnt take it too personally, as I hadn't let her know my feelings and tried to take things slowly. we were only casually seeing each other and though I found it a bit disrespectful, I let it slide. she broke contact with them both, meeting one in person to do it. however, one of the guys she had to see at college, but assured me that nothing would go on as they didnt like each other like that and were more friends & he was now seeing someone else. from here she knew that there was a bit more exclusivity between us and we carried on together and got closer and closer. at this point she started to reveal that as her mum and dad hadn't been together since she was very young, she didnt really have that father figure in her life and that it has affected her. she made me aware that she was suffering with anxiety and it can get in the way of things, so much so that she had got herself a nickname around college and past relationships. I understood this, but ive not really had much experience with mental health before and come from a very stable home with a close knit family (which she always said she loved and wish she had). I continued to do some research on it and slowly learnt via the internet and her about how to cope with it. im a patient guy and am really laid back and am told by a lot of people, including her that im an amazing guy and make an amazing boyfriend. so I thought that this would be an obstacle we could work through. this was the cause of her commitment issues.

so we carry on seeing each other, however this time its more on and off. every time we get closer to making it official, she bales out and says "I can't do it anymore, we should go our separate ways" etc etc. this happened every 2 - 3 weeks however we'd always get around it, by me re assuring her or us taking a break for a few days and she comes back to me.

this is when she went on a night out with some friends , it was all going well at this point, probably the best it had been. I trusted her and she went out, got very drunk and ended up hooking up with one of the guys I had mentioned before, the guy that she had slept with the first time and broken all contact with. (not the one she had to see at college)

she didnt text me at all for the day after, I knew something was up as she was always keen to speak to me. she eventually got back to me that evening and confessed straight away. she was distraught, sending me voice messages, crying down the phone, basically genuinely upset that she had done it and she had ruined "us". I even got a message from her mum telling me about how she "sabotages" things when they get serious so that she doesn't end up hurt, again all stemming from her not having a father figure and that she'd only ever had one serious relationship over 2 years ago. these were her mums words, not mine. she wasn't trying to make it acceptable & she was angry at her for doing it as much as me, but more like telling me what would of gone through her head. im pretty sure the other guys didnt work out for very similar reasons (sabotaging it somehow, not necessarily cheating). I was heartbroken, but was weirdly even more determined to make it work, even if it was just for her & her mental health ( I know that sounds ridiculous). I took a few days off from talking to her. in this time I did more research into anxiety and for what reasons it could of happened. I am well aware that it could be nothing to do with mental state and that she just got with another guy, however, knowing her like I do, its hard to think its that, as weird as it sounds to anyone reading this. I got back to her and decided to give it another try, although I made it extremely clear that I wouldn't tolerate it if we became "official".

again, same story. its amazing between us for a couple off weeks then bang, she starts to worry about us. this lead to me telling her to go away for 2 weeks and sort herself out. we were having an actual break from each other. I actually really struggled with missing her and the uncertainty of what she wanted from this. after the 2 weeks had passed I got a phone call from her, she said that she had been on a very casual date and that she had all but decided to end things with me until this date, when apparently all she could talk about was me and that made her realise what she was throwing away. she came over mine after that and here we go again. 2 weeks of almost a perfect relationship.

Unfortunately, this time is where WE really start to struggle, not just her. im getting clingy to her because of all the things that had gone on. im emotional and basically not myself. we met and discussed the problems on a "romantic" walk. she said that she felt like something was missing, and that I was almost too laid back, and that she couldn't help but think "the grass is greener" (this spiked my interest) with someone else or being single. I told her that she feels these things because you didnt give us a chance to develop as a couple as its so "on and off" with her and that she should let us have a proper period of time to be together and let me treat her like the boyfriend I know I am, then after a few months for example if it wasn't working then that was that, at least we gave it a good go. she agreed with me.

couple of days later, im out with my friends and she's out with hers. again, because of the circumstances im clingy and needy (I know this isn't good but I couldn't help myself, normally im a confident guy and wouldn't dream of being like that, I guess it just broke me down). we're both stressed with the relationship now. the next day, she breaks up with me. told me that she had kissed another guy that came onto her and that although she regretted it, she knew she had ruined things and that she wasn't happy anymore and he felt "new" and she felt "free". we were both stressed with it and she has exams to do. we spoke on the phone that night, to get some closure on things. we decided that she needed to get herself happy again, by being single and maybe even seeing other guys and me doing the same. I was cool with that. she said that she was speaking to the guy that she had last seen out but that it would never work out as he's a bit younger than her and the distance etc. however we both mutually agreed to maybe speak to each other in a months time after her exams and see what happened from there, but no guarantees.

in the following days we had the odd "I miss you" message and saw her tweeting certain things, but nothing that isn't un common for people going through a breakup.

so im moving on at this point, doing ok for myself, I miss her so much but im improving myself and getting on with life. thats when one night I get a phone call at 3am saying she was out and couldn't get home, she could "only" come to mine as she had fallen out with her friend and had no money. I reluctantly agreed and stupidly paid for her taxi to my house, however, I let her know I was not happy about it and felt messed about. she gets to mine, I pay for the taxi and she runs off to bed ( pretty drunk ). she strips off in my bed and I have to get in as I have work early the next day. she says all these things whilst trying to kiss and hug me like "I miss you so much" etc. I didnt recuperate anything and went to sleep. next day, I leave out some paracetamol and my hoodie as she only had a small top on and my family were In the house. I text her and tell her to wait for me to get back so we can sort this out properly as I wasn't happy with her messing about. she replied with " im meant to be going out with my friend, im really sorry and really appreciate you letting me stay, I didnt mean to mess you about" and then got picked up by her friend and left, telling me she would speak to me later about it. I get home and find that she's taken my hoodie. I text that evening and have a go at her for coming over and she again agreed with me and apologised. she said she took my hoodie and that she'll return it and pay me the money for the taxi when she gets paid. seeing as I know when she gets paid I agreed and after a short conversation like we used to I said to her goodnight and we went back to the original plan of being single and maybe talking In a month after exams. however this time, she has to contact me as she owes me money...

I went into full no contact and a couple of days later, im blocked on everything, except from snapchat (where she can see my location...) ( I know I can turn this off) another strange thing is that around the same time im blocked on everything I get a follow on twitter from a fake account which I am certain is hers, seeing as her closest friends follow it and it only follows her friends and her actual account, and now me,lol. I can still contact her, through snapchat and she still has all my friends and family on social media.

 

now ive done some research and although it was only a short term relationship, it sounds to me like she has "grass is greener syndrome", not just with me but in other aspects of her life too, but I won't go into them. im sure this stems from her initial anxiety. its not just her thats said it so im fairly sure she isn't playing me, as it came from her own mother and have seen evidence of things before.

 

what I want to know is, does it sound to you like "grass is greener syndrome" or any other form of anxiety or personality disorder? I only want to help her...

 

should I be worried about her talking to this other guy or other guys in general? will she forget about me?

 

why did she block me?

 

did she text me and take my hoodie so she has an excuse to see me agin or am I just looking to deep into it? I know girls like guys hoodies

 

I know it maybe healthier to walk away for me, but im not a quitter and although this situation sounds messed up, I truly believe she's an amazing girl and I feel like I can be someone she could be with. how / can I get her back from this?

 

apologies for the length and complexity of this post, any response is appreciated but id like some advice here, preferably not just telling me to leave it, unless its the only way. I feel I will know when that is.

 

thanks!

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I don't often tell people to 'forget about them'. I think it's disrespectful. However, if I was seeing someone for a few months and I found out they'd slept with one (never mind multiple) people, I wouldn't be speaking to them again...

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Your post is difficult to read due to nearly no paragraphs, but from what I gather she was non commital from the start & has been banging a number of other guys throughout with you “taking her back “ every time, researching what may be “wrong” with her and making excuses for her behavior. This is not grass is greener, she just not gf material and was never committed to you. Her behavior is not due to anything wrong with you (other than for some reason you keep indulging her).

 

You can’t fix her nor should you try. You will continue this cycle while she’s banging other dudes if you decide to remain in contact with her. There’s no fix to this IMO. She has to be the one to do the research and fix herself. Sorry. You don’t have to “leave it” but there’s not much to work with here; not even a solid foundation to rebuild from.

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