He has been talking to another woman

[maaraishuk]

We have been married 7 years and have two children together.

 

We have had our ups and downs in the past; mainly relating to him being so attached to his family. But in the last year or two, things have settled down.

 

We have reached a common ground and don’t have any issues. We seem content and life is good. We share absolutely everything..talk about everything. He rings me on the way to work, lunchtimes and on the way home (most times). So i feel we are extremely close and happy.

 

Around 6 months ago, his phone was ringing while he was mowing the lawn outside. I thought it was work. Ran downstairs to see a girl’s name appear. A name i have never heard before. I didn’t tell him. Just left it and forgot about it to be completely honest.

 

I would have put my life on the belief that he would never cheat. He is a loyal good god fearing man with principles and love for me.

 

Last week, we were in the car (he had just bought a new one)..phone in his car door, and the phone rings.

 

He says it is his male colleague (gives the name)..and says he’s probably just calling as he’s bored..but i can see on the screen (bluetooth was connected)..the girl’s name.

 

I didn’t say anything and left it. This was last Wednesday. He was out Thursday so despite not wanting to, i felt i had the right and checked through itemized billing.

 

I can see odd calls/texts to this number. Not every day; but most weekdays. Some mornings after he has just dropped kids off to school!!

 

We had a busy weekend with my work, family get togethers etc so i kept hush and didn’t say anything. He knew i was a little quiet; assumed it was the weather.

 

Yesterday, after dropping the children to school, i asked, ‘Who’s ******?’

 

He responded ‘a friend from university’...then, ‘how do you know it’s a girl. It’s a bloke’

 

Then said, ‘i dont want to lie to you. It is a girl. From university. Someone who used to have. Crush on me. She perhaps rings me once a year and we just catch up’

 

‘I have never seen her since university. We just talk generally. There is nothing going on. I have made a mistake and should have told u. In the 7 years i have been married to u, i promise i have never met with a woman for coffee, dinner, lunch etc..i wouldn’t do that to you’ ‘i was trying to protect u’

 

I explained ‘lying to someone is not protecting them’..The day went on. He apologised. Deleted the number. Said you can check my call register. I said i don’t want to.

 

In the evening, after putting the kids to bed, i asked him again, ‘when was the last time u spoke? How long has this been going on? Tell me the truth’

 

He then went on to say, ‘i have returned phone calls. I won’t lie. We have exchanged texts. But it’s general. It’s nothing like that. We talk about work or something. I didn’t like her back then. I don’t like her or anything. It was a stupid mistake. I’ll put my hands up and say, i should have told u. Im really sorry.

Pls forgive me.’

 

I explained that i feel hurt, betrayed. Where would this have gone if i hadn’t told u? U had no idea i knew. These doubts are in my mind and you cannot take them away.

 

Why? Why would you do this? Do we have issues i’m unaware of?

 

He said there are no issues and he is content with our marriage and our life together. It was just a stupid mistake.

 

I put this man on a pedestal. Thinking he is something great. He does so much for me and the children. He always puts me before himself. He dotes on his parents and seems to be a really good family man. He spends no nights outside, hardly goes out with friends..chooses to spend all his time with me or family.

 

I feel numb. Shocked. Unsure of what to do. Speaking to him on a need to basis. Had a very restless night sleeping, as did he.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Lying is a problem that you two can only explore through marriage counseling. Clearly he was lying to protect his own butt.

‘i was trying to protect u’. I explained ‘lying to someone is not protecting them’..

[38YAQ]

Hi.

 

I'm new to this forum; but ironically I have just posted about my own issue which is in the same vein; where I was the guy sending the messages and the messages did get more out of hand....but nothing physical happened.

 

In my experience, sometimes just having a stranger show a little bit of interest in you is an ego boost. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you and isn't a good man. It sounds like he's recognised that he was being silly and wants to put it right.

The chances are there was nothing in it other than exchanging texts with someone he hasn't seen or heard from in years and there was perhaps a "feel good" factor there.

If he loves you and you love him you can sort it out.

[Lester]

"Why? Why would you do this?"

- For many reasons. You need to study and understand why.

 

There's no greater pain than infidelity. It happens, and because of our mass media driven culture, it's happening more frequently.

 

To understand infidelity, and how to properly handle him, secretly read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough". (Never let him see this book and don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today's vengeful, watered-down knockoffs.)

 

First Aid:

1. Don't waste time, it's nowhere near over! Wives who waste time lose their husbands, marriage and family.

2. Read Dobson today. Confide in a close friend/relative and have them get Dobson for you today. (Library?)

3. Until you understand, become quiet with him. Just quiet, quick "no's" and "oh's". Do not get roped into any kind of extended talk. Become aloof!

4. Do not blame yourself, or accept any of his lies. (Yes, yes, yes... he may be confused and love you..., but he's still lying to you!)

5. Don't think it's over, or will somehow magically end without you taking a knowledgeable, mature stance.

6. Keep coming back for more advice.

[singingstick]

I see this a lot unfortunately. It’s always the man who seems so great in every way. His wife thinks he’d never do anything like that. I know a man like this and he is the one who instigated the flirtation with me and asked if he could start texting me. I put a stop to it because I didn’t want to disrespect t his wife. I don’t think he wanted to cheat necessarily. I think it’s more or less feeling like he “still had it” is what he was after.

[j.man]

Honestly, I wouldn't dismiss this:

 

We have had our ups and downs in the past; mainly relating to him being so attached to his family. But in the last year or two, things have settled down.

 

We have reached a common ground and don’t have any issues.

What was this supposedly extreme attachment to his family and what kind of "middle ground" did you come to? If he's felt he has to cut his family from his life, at least moreso than he's for however many years been comfortable with, I wouldn't underestimate how unhapppy or resentful he may be. That's not to excuse an effort to emotionally cheat-- assuming this lady is anything other than what he says, but that perhaps if you two took a shortcut and navigated these familial issues with him without a mediator, going to one is that much more called for.

[GoodGumbo]

You need to nip it in the bud. One of my friends had a so called platonic relationship over text and phone only for 3 years and ended up leaving his wife for the new woman.

[j.man]

Yeah so this marriage has a few years of history going for it. It's worth to read back on the OP's thread. This gem seems to have resonated with their marriage at least up until her post last year.

 

[Regarding his family] "Honestly, speaking the truth, i want to keep him from them. Something just triggers in my mind if we dont meet them on my terms"

 

I agree with Andrina that it's very likely him seeing if he's still "got it," though perhaps less as a matter of ego and more as a reassurance should push come to shove.

[1tym]

I am going to give a generally not so popular reasoning for all of this. It is generalized and also some assumptions are going to be made that may be untrue. If it does not pertain to you then ignore it but don't lie to yourself either.

 

The marriage is great for you. It may not be so great for him. Unless you had a deep conversation with him about it then you wouldn't know. Obligations in a marriage with children for a decent man will be strong. Put up with a lot of things because he has to take care of the children. However woman are the same way, I may know only a little bit but it really goes the same way.

 

When you say it was perfect, again it was for you. Perhaps not for him. Rather if it was once a years or on a daily basis you really don't know. That can't be the issue right now though. Due to the fact that his actions led to this situation you need evaluate your marriage at his point of view. Somewhere a long the lines, someone got complacent and are not meeting someone else's needs. I understand if you say he is not really the perfect husband/father, I am not saying you didn't make sacrifices, but understand when you evaluate your marriage you put your own agenda to the side and see it through his point of view. Only way to do that is to talk to him and not just on the surface but deep. Also I am not saying that you were complacent. I would think the if anyone was then it was him. That point is below.

 

So lets ask the tough questions. In your marriage over the years how many times have you actually went out on dates without the kids or family? I am not talking about family events or events that involve other people like friends. Just you and him, like you used to do when you were dating? How many times have you guys have dressed up look good for each other, showed each other off in public? All this without the children. I ask this because people get so lost in marriage specially when they have kids, they stop working on each other. Again, I understand the issues at hand but, when you guys are texting, how often do you flirt with each other to try to just have FUN together like you used to? or through text are you having conversations like bills, kids, marriage life, etc..? He calls you, but you guys talk about what? Have you tried not talking to each other about all these things over text and phone and just engage in conversation 1 on 1 when the kids are to bed?

 

There are endless questions that a marriage counselor would ask you and I am not one. The problem I really think is both of you and not entirely one sided. I don't condone the actions of him, but to stop it from anything further you really need to evaluate your marriage from everything and really should see a counselor. Specially if you answered any one of my questions and they are not that favorable.

 

Lets not say the kids got in the way because it is not an excuse to neglect each of you because of the kids. I mean you have family or friends or even a babysitter. How many times in those years when you had kids went on vacation even for 1 day somewhere else and spent the night while spending intimate time together? Relationship doesn't stop at marriage. Love alone will not carry your marriage through until the end. Love is there to support everything but you still have to work on the marriage relationship over the years or else it will fail. Or at least thats what i believe.

[Andrina]

This is a wake up call. You might have reached a common ground about your issues, but when your partner is enticed into an emotional affair, it means an emotional connection is missing in the marriage.

 

Tell him you love him and want to reestablish the emotional connection with him. Read articles on how to do that. Have a date night or daytime excursion and look for creative ideas on activities that don't include the same old dinner and a movie. Take dancing lessons together. Go hiking in a beautiful park. Pick out new toys in a couples store. Have a discussion about improvements you each want in the relationship. If neither of you have the skills to fix your connection, seek counseling.

 

He does need to tell the other lady that their "friendship" can no longer be for the sake of his marriage, and make sure he knows that you're not a doormat who will give unlimited chances once a relationship boundary has been crossed.

[DancingFool]

"I put this man on a pedestal. Thinking he is something great. He does so much for me and the children. He always puts me before himself. He dotes on his parents and seems to be a really good family man. He spends no nights outside, hardly goes out with friends..chooses to spend all his time with me or family."

 

^That doesn't sound like a very healthy happy life, especially the part in bold, and probably why he is seeking friendship/connection of some kind outside of this prison cell that your marriage has become.

 

I think that you both need to rethink how you are living, how you are socializing - give each other space to spend time with friends and do something for yourselves. Also, reconnect and have some fun as a couple with other people and friends involved as well. Can you leave the kids with the grandparents and go on a fun trip somewhere? Can you create that so at least once a week you go out and socialize? Most people cannot live in this kind of monotonous isolation. I haven't read your previous threads, but if you are trying to have him all to yourself and trying to isolate him, you will lose him. It's beyond unhealthy. I'm literally gasping for air reading your post.

[tattoobunnie]

Going through this. I think hubs is the best guy on the planet, then, 7 years and two kids later, you catch him sexting with an ex (a morbidly obese one who looks like his mom). He's been in weekly therapy since February (lots of issues); that being a precursor.

 

As much as you want to think you can change the situation, sure more dates, get dolled up, DO NOT FOR ONE MINUTE FORGET HE WAS BEING SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead of him planning dates with you, talking to you about what is going on with him in his head, or investing more emotional energy to build intimacy, he steps outside.

 

My best advice...make your demands, and don't feel bad for doing it. He needs to do the work to fix things. If you feel like throwing his clothes out the window to make yourself feel better, do it. Of course they are content, but it doesn't mean they understand really what they are feeling, or can't talk to you about it. I don't know your hub's background, but take a deep breath, and take it one day at a time.

 

I'm all for finalizing things, not afraid of divorce, but I get it; even legally, getting a divorce over cheating actually involves physical cheating. He's the father of your kids and your husband. Sometimes you have to see how they buck up. I don't think they will ever be that guy on the pedastal ever again, but heck, if it's not this thing, it's another.

 

Really think, if this is the worst, do you still want to be with him. Just keep in mind, this may or may not be a one time thing. He needs to find outlets that boost his self-esteem, like exercise or volunteering, or advancements in his career. We all like to think that the spouse needs to step it up, but really, it's the person who does it needs to take an active role in their own self-esteem.

[MissCanuck]

OP, having read through your past threads:

 

You two have a very unstable relationship history. There have been some big problems in the marriage. So while you might have felt happy, I can nearly guarantee he didn't and hadn't for a long time. That's an awful lot of resentment to have built up over the years.

 

I don't condone him looking outside your marriage; don't get me wrong. What he has been doing is not right at all, and I don't believe for a moment that he's not attracted to this woman on a deeper level. There is probably much more you don't know about their rekindled connection. However, it seems that this marriage has been on a collision course for a long while now, and it's time for you and him to really decide if you still want to be married anymore. This is your cold dose of reality, sadly - he is checking out of the marriage. Could it be turned around? Possibly. But it will involve a lot of hard work from both of you as you work through the boatload of issues that have hurt your relationship.

[maaraishuk]

I have read through all the replies and appreciate them.

 

Thursday morning, before he left for work, he stopped me in the hallway and apologised. He looked as though he was about to cry. Apologised for keeping it from me. that this was a pure civil friendship. Few minute discussions regarding work. I had nothing to say. I just listened. He said he is extremely embarrassed, and upset at himself for hurting me. That it is eating him up inside. He bought this upon himself, having the same number since he was 16. That friends of his changed their number when they got married. And now he understands he needs to do the same. He then left, as the children were getting late for school.

 

I had a flower delivery arrive, from him with a card reading 'Truly sorry'

 

We spoke on Thursday night. I was sitting in the bedroom, kids were asleep and he came over to talk. He said he doesn't want me to let this torture me. Tat it is his own fault. He begged me to give him the benefit of the doubt. This was a pure silly mistake, that he didn't take the call in the car. He should have because he has nothing to hide. i can ring the girl. He has told a fellow barrister, to contact her and tell her never to contact him again. He will change his number. He has never loved anyone apart from me. He wants to make the marriage work. He is happy, everything is fine. There is no relationship between them. He has never met or seen her. The conversations were purely around work.

 

I haven't had much to say apart from 'no', 'oh' etc

 

I did tell him Thursday night, that he has broken me. I am a faithful, loyal person. I know I am not perfect, but i have been committed to this marriage, and to him. Always putting him first, placing him on a pedestal. Apart from arguments regarding him and his family, we don't have any issues and I felt we had a good marriage with everything working.

 

He kept begging me to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I told him i haven't told anyone. I would tell his parents before i tell my own. but i saved him the embarrassment. And they are elderly. It would hurt them a lot to see their son behaving in such a way.

 

He asked for a hug. kept stroking my hair, and saying sorry. Said, if i gave him the chance, for the rest of our lives, i would never have a reason to doubt him.

 

Friday, he text me from a new number. He has changed his number. He has been cooking dinners, making breakfast, etc. He asked if we could go for a meal yesterday, when he was at work he text me. my response , ' im sorry but i don't feel up to it'

 

 

I still feel numb. dumb founded. don't really know how i can trust him again.

[Starlight925]

This would break almost anyone. You have nothing to feel embarrassed for, or hide from. You've done nothing wrong.

 

If he needed an ego boost, his adult self should have made it clear to you that he needed that.....from you.

If he needed female attention, his adult self should have asked for that....from you.

 

This was his childish, selfish self acting.

 

I, too, would be unfazed by the flowers, the apology, the phone number change. It seems like he's overcompensating. I wouldn't like it one bit.

 

Since you have children and marital history on your side, I suggest counseling. For you both, and for yourself individually.

 

And, you will have to....very silently....remain on alert for this type of activity in the future. Strange missed calls, or numbers that you don't recognize. What's often done is that the Contact name in the phone is changed to something innocuous, like another guy's name, and he can just say "Oh, it's Bill, he's working on a contract with us at work". Be alert for these things. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to help you get a sense of whether this is truly just a one-time ego boost thing or a marital pattern.

[Wiseman2]

He has to change his number and have a colleague tell him "never to contact him"? So people who change their number after marriage are only faithful for this reason? Hmm. And he has to relay this message via someone else to her to stop chasing him because the block function doesn't work on his phone? It sounds like he wasn't lying (to protect you of course) his phone number is the problem. Of course flowers and sorry and crocodile tears work too?

[maaraishuk]

The number change was to prove to me he is committed to cutting off ties.

 

He had blocked her already. But i think it was to show me he is committed and wants nothing to do with any female.

 

I do believe him. I’m just shocked at him communicating with another woman. That’s all.

 

He is a good man. I think he just got caught up in a silly moment speaking to someone from his past from time to time, over the course of 9 months.

 

The principle is still wrong..he should not be communicating with a person from the past that he knows liked him back at University. And keeping it from me.

 

Forgive and forget? I don’t think i am anywhere near being able to do that..i’m just numb.

 

Not quite sure where we go from here. I have little girls who dote on their daddy.

 

However, i don’t want to teach them to accept being mistreated.

[maaraishuk]

He denies it being a form of ego boost.

 

He still protests the phone calls were innocent. Talking about work/cases

 

He says he never cheated. He insists his mistake was not taking the call in the car. Which led to doubt. And me thinking the worst. Which he doesn’t blame me for.

 

I’m just rattling in my head.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it may be true he never physically cheated. It's the lies and excuses that you may want to take note of.