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Okayy #metoo, is this rape?


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This happened to me years ago but feeling inspired to share due to the other posts asking the same question.

 

Went on a first date with a guy. Realized soon into the date I was not into him. He was extremely persistent about us continuing the night and going to his place and I said no repeatedly. He finally insisted on at least driving me to my car which was parked a few blocks away. I said ok. When we got to my car, he got handsy with me and I remember he locked the car doors. It was a lot of struggle and me saying no but somehow with him in the driver seat and me in the passenger seat, he was able to get himself inside me. I remember once he got it in, I felt like "screw it, he got it in" and I went with it from that point forward. I was weirdly polite saying goodbye to him but mostly because I wanted to get the f- away from him.

 

He worked at my gym and I had to see him often and would avoid him like the plague. I felt strong hatred and resentment toward him, but he seemed to literally have no clue he did anything wrong. He wanted to go on another date!!

 

I didn't register this at all as RAPE until recently and noticed I had completely blocked it out of my memory. I have unfortunately had at least several similar sexual encounters and I think I almost thought it was normal. Or maybe I just didn't wanna psychologically admit it or deal with it.

So, is this rape? And if clearly so, HOW was he so clueless about it??

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I have unfortunately had at least several similar sexual encounters and I think I almost thought it was normal. Or maybe I just didn't wanna psychologically admit it or deal with it.

So, is this rape? And if clearly so, HOW was he so clueless about it??

 

You're description does sound rapey. I think the more important question is, how are you so clueless about it? I promise I'm not saying that to be rude. It's a legit question, as you state that you've found yourself overpowered into sex several times and felt that it was normal. Are you punishing yourself?

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You're description does sound rapey. I think the more important question is, how are you so clueless about it? I promise I'm not saying that to be rude. It's a legit question, as you state that you've found yourself overpowered into sex several times and felt that it was normal. Are you punishing yourself?

 

Well this happened five years ago and the other instances I refer to are even older than that, but yes, I did get sexually overpowered several times in my late teens / early 20s. It was probably a combination of being naive/young/sheltered, being too "nice" and being physically very small. I had male friends push themselves on me pretty much anytime I giggled and there was alcohol involved, and I was too nice to slap them in the face. I literally thought it was normal until the whole me too movement happened and I'd hear stories and think "dude I've experienced way worse."

 

Anyway I have no guy friends anymore. I never drink. I never go out. I never allow myself to be alone with a man I don't want to sleep with. So fair to say I got protective of myself over the years.

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Yes, it was rape. And the reason why I'm happy for he #metoo movement is that more and more women and men are getting educated as to what boundaries are and what behavior is violent and unacceptable.

 

How can someone be clueless? Easy. Patriarchy. It's all about mens' needs and to us women, it's all about fulfilling their needs while disregarding ours. We need to be beautiful, sexy, agree with them, yet not too much, take care of them and when it comes to sex, be open and giving, even if we have a headache because he might stray. All of this because men are portrayed as animals when it comes to sex (while at the same time women should not want sex). We know it's not true, it's a very humiliating notion, yet men perpetuate it, I don't know why, probably because of patriarchy too and because it's convenient even for the nicest ones. I actually had a guy once try to tell me the typical "men have only one button" story and when I asked him "do you honestly believe that you are so simple and such a boring personality?" he was confused and couldn't answer.

 

Anyways, I'm getting carried away. All of this confusion is because times are changing and there are going to be some bumps on the road. That's why so many behaviors are considered "gray areas".

 

It's good that these instances didn't give you permanent scarring, at least that's what I got from it; although never drinking and never going out isn't fair. Being careful with men you don't want to sleep with is great. Being protective to a point is great, but these men didn't attack you because you were too nice. They attacked you because they don't have boundaries and think that they have a right to your body for whatever reason. An example might be "Well, I bought you dinner, so you have to pay up".

 

Even if these instances happened years ago, I do think you will benefit from therapy.

 

I'm sorry all this things happened to you.

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You're description does sound rapey. I think the more important question is, how are you so clueless about it? I promise I'm not saying that to be rude. It's a legit question, as you state that you've found yourself overpowered into sex several times and felt that it was normal. Are you punishing yourself?

 

It is kind of easy. Society tells us that if we are raped it is OUR fault. I remember being raped at 19 after being drugged. I kept that quiet until I was 45 years old . And had convinced myself that it wasn’t rape because it was my fault because of society’s standards . And the fact I was repeatedly sexually assaulted as a child which made me a much easier target .

 

Op, I am sorry.

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Oh jeez... the fact that you even need to ask is yet another reason to be disappointed in our values as human beings... in an ideal world that man would have respected your no and stopped what he was doing. Barring that, you would have known without a shadow of a doubt that was wrong and had the support to do something about it.

 

Unfortunately this world is far from ideal, therefore we get to carry shame and guilt for something we didn’t do. [emoji31]

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Oh jeez... the fact that you even need to ask is yet another reason to be disappointed in our values as human beings... in an ideal world that man would have respected your no and stopped what he was doing. Barring that, you would have known without a shadow of a doubt that was wrong and had the support to do something about it.

 

Unfortunately this world is far from ideal, therefore we get to carry shame and guilt for something we didn’t do. [emoji31]

 

Exactly.

.. ...

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Maybe we could create a sticky under Abuse and Violence which could serve as a basic instructional on what to do if you believe you may have been assaulted ?

Resources are highly dependent on location, but it could be general info and online resources?

Just an idea.

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There is an Abuse and Violence forum, but some of these threads are posted under "dating": https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=32

 

That may be because the "dating" and "relationship" sections are the most frequented and thus will garner more responses.

 

Once a new thread leaves the main page, it often goes unnoticed.

 

Just an observation.

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That may be because the "dating" and "relationship" sections are the most frequented and thus will garner more responses.

 

Once a new thread leaves the main page, it often goes unnoticed.

 

Just an observation.

 

Yeah, if you have no clue it was rape, you wouldn't even be in the abuse section. Just an observation too!

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There is an Abuse and Violence forum, but some of these threads are posted under "dating": https://www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=32

 

Right. I was looking for a thread on Abuse and Violence which gives basic info on what to do. Couldn't find it, maybe someone else can ? The idea being able to easily redirect someone who posts to basic info instead of repeating stuff like :

 

Googling resource centres and crisis lines in your area

Speak to police

Speak to a therapist

Etc etc

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Right. I was looking for a thread on Abuse and Violence which gives basic info on what to do. Couldn't find it, maybe someone else can ? The idea being able to easily redirect someone who posts to basic info instead of repeating stuff like :

 

Googling resource centres and crisis lines in your area

Speak to police

Speak to a therapist

Etc etc

 

To make an official post would be great, such as a PSA where it lists a whole bunch of sites and unbiased advice about the steps to take after sexual assault. Kind of like a headline for a quick go to because I see some people here soon after the assault, where time = evidence.

 

I really do highly recommend the RAINN website for a person at any point in time after being assaulted. They have generic advice, regarding therapy, after affects, mental disorders after trauma, helping loved ones of sexual assault/violence, phone/online chat with experts. I do not know if it is international, but worth a read at least.

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Why would you even agree to get into the same car with this guy if you were not feeling him at all? Also, I find it incredibly hard to believe he was that good at "getting inside you" from the front seat while you were in the passenger's seat.

I do understand that no one should be expected to be assaulted in this manner, but why in God's name do you put yourself in this situation? It's like waking around the hood at night with dollar bills out, expecting to not get mugged.

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Why would you even agree to get into the same car with this guy if you were not feeling him at all? Also, I find it incredibly hard to believe he was that good at "getting inside you" from the front seat while you were in the passenger's seat.

I do understand that no one should be expected to be assaulted in this manner, but why in God's name do you put yourself in this situation? It's like waking around the hood at night with dollar bills out, expecting to not get mugged.

 

Yeah, was thinking the same. Too much in the OP's story just doesn't add up. You can't be locked in the car, you can only be locked out. He in driver's seat, she in front passenger seat and he is suddenly inside her? Was he some kind of a circus contortionist/magician or does he have a garden long hose for his privates? Outside of that, OP was free to open the door and get out at any time. Not so easy for him to clamber over from driver's seat to passenger with resisting passenger and insert himself. Actually....I really don't see how unless OP was very willing and actively participating.

 

Also, no men are not totally retarded. They know the difference between yes and no and rape. He thought the date went well and asked for date two? Really? Maybe, OP actually needs to learn how to say no for real if/when she means it and not lead some dude on, have sex with him, then resent him for it because she wasn't really that attracted to him in retrospect.

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I can lock people in my truck from the driver’s side .

 

Child locks only work in back seats and even so, you can pull the lock manually and open door. Front driver/passenger, never. Meaning that doors will lock once you are moving/locked manually but you can unlock at will regardless either by pulling handle or pulling lock open. It's a safety issue that doors unlock from inside no matter what. If you can really totally lock your truck...something is off or broken and it would be unusual.

 

Still that doesn't explain a lot of the missing points in OP's story or her claims that men were constantly forcing themselves onto her and this isn't the first time. I'm sorry, but 99.9% of men aren't looking at women going "mmmm feeling rapey with her". I'm speaking myself as a pretty petite attractive woman who has to beat men's attention off her with a stick when I go out. No is really quite sufficient when said clearly and meant. If you say "thanks but no thanks" men will actually bow out. No further effort required. That said, there are plenty of women who are actually assaulted and need help and the bastards responsible need to go down in flames. However, in OP's case, there are too many question marks for me to jump on the bandwagon and yell rape. Yelling rape when it wasn't causes too much damage and makes the real rape cases too difficult to win. It discredits the #metoo campaign and actually gives fuel to the actual rapists to scream foul and get out unscathed.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not saying OP wasn't raped, but not saying she was either. There is too much missing info here to determine one way or another and I'm refusing to have an emotional knee jerk reaction to her post.

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