Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone –

 

I have been dating someone for about three months. We grew really close pretty quickly. We talk all the time and hang out consistently. But when we first met, he was going through a break-up. He had been with someone for years, living together, you know, all of that. It wasn’t the easiest when we first started seeing each other. So he was dealing with all of that while we were getting to know each other and we decided to move slowly (which I prefer anyways). In the back of my mind, I was always worried that I would come out of this hurt since he was going through this break-up. Everything was going realllllly well, we had future plans and just last week everything was great, until this weekend. I could feel something was different. I reached out to him Friday night to see if something was wrong, if he needed space, or something. Well I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not going to lie, I have texted him a few times since then (I was first worried something happened to him) but now he’s just ignoring me.

 

It’s a huge blow to anyone’s self-esteem, to be left without any type of goodbye or explanation. I don’t understand how you go from talking to someone almost all day, every day to absolutely nothing. Obviously, he has chosen a different direction, without me.

 

How do I move on from something when I have zero closure? I know we hadn’t been dating for that long but wow, I am still feeling extremely hurt and used. Was I just someone to help him get over the break-up? Or just a filler until him and his ex got back together? I would appreciate any solid, up-lifting advice….

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I am not sure what to say about this but from reading alot posts on here . I learned never get with a guy that just had a breakup.

 

 

I am going thru a breakup and not over my ex and this exactly why I don't want to date someone again till I am completely over my ex. I don't want to hurt anyone. I am so sorry your going thru this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

From my experience of online dating, there are no absolutes with anyone you meet. People go online for a variety of different reasons. This guy may have been looking to repair some of the loss from his break up or he may have got back with that person. Did you meet this guys friends and family? Did you really feel integrated in his life?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me twice, once after 3 months and the second time after 6 months dating. For sure you should never get involved with someone that is going through a break up or has not been single for at least a good year maybe more depending how long was the relationship. The gentleman may promise you he's over his ex but he's lying to himself. He doesn't know any better. But you, as someone not going through a break up you know better. So yes he used you but he didn't know he was. He was not in a frame of mind to auto-analyze and identify if he was really liking you or just liking the attention as it felt like a band-aid on his wound. Only time will help you get over this also accepting your part of the responsibility will help very much moving past this. Accept it was a bad idea to get involved with him, you didn't know better at the time but now you're better equipped and will make a better pick next time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you have been ghosted, it's quite obnoxious when people do that! Now you know to not date someone just recently out of a break up. Those who say they are over their exes to get with someone new are lying to themselves and to those they date that's why rebounds never work.

 

I would take this as his loss and move onto someone with more of their life together.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How do I move on from something when I have zero closure? I know we hadn’t been dating for that long but wow, I am still feeling extremely hurt and used. Was I just someone to help him get over the break-up? Or just a filler until him and his ex got back together? I would appreciate any solid, up-lifting advice….

 

The answer is probably "all of the above". There is no uplifting advice, just understanding of what you did wrong (believing in a possible relationship with someone who's not emotionally available). Besides, there's not much to move on from if there was no relationship in place.

 

As you've stated, the two of you were just dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

LG is he the same guy from February who you were chatting with (but had never met in person) and discovered he had a girlfriend?

 

You said you've been dating this new guy three months (before ghosting) but the timing doesn't quite add up, unless I'm missing something.

 

In any event, I'm sorry about the ghosting. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
The answer is probably "all of the above". There is no uplifting advice, just understanding of what you did wrong (believing in a possible relationship with someone who's not emotionally available). Besides, there's not much to move on from if there was no relationship in place.

As you've stated, the two of you were just dating.

 

Of course there is.

 

You move on from the feelings you had developed for that person you were dating, even though no formal "relationship."

 

And I can understand how difficult that might be when there was no discussion, no actual "ending," and no closure, and things were going well prior to that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm really sorry he is treating you this way. Ask yourself -what do you think he would tell you if he did get in touch that would benefit you "you're an AMAZING person but I'm not ready for a relationship?" "thanks for the great times, I will always remember them and I need to work on myself right now" - and then what happens when in a few weeks you find out that this man who gave you "closure" is now dating someone else exclusively? I realize he is acting a like a jerk and a coward I'm just trying to suggest a different perspective. Give yourself closure and his MIA behavior is kind of consistent with what he told you from the beginning -he was still hurting from his breakup - he's not himself (which doesn't excuse rudeness, just saying).

 

What can you do today/tomorrow for some self-care?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi everyone –

 

Everything was going realllllly well, we had future plans and just last week everything was great, until this weekend. I could feel something was different. I reached out to him Friday night to see if something was wrong, if he needed space, or something. Well I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not going to lie, I have texted him a few times since then (I was first worried something happened to him) but now he’s just ignoring me.

 

I am not sure you could call this an actual "ghosting" yet.

 

It's only been three days.

 

He still may contact you, and explain.

 

If you don't hear back in, say, two weeks (giving him A LOT of leeway here), then you've been ghosted.

 

Do not text him anymore though.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

When you started dating and he had a girlfriend it shouldn’t of conitinued ( in my opinion) how can you have plans with someone who was in a long term relationship and going through a break up? Sounds like a rebound to me? Unless he is cold person and I know a few who can come out of a long term relationship and making future plans already. For your own sake I would tread carefully and it’s been a few days he could still contact you. From the info above it’s questionable. A long term relationship then a new relationship how can he move on so quickly ( maybe I am naive)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am not sure you could call this an actual "ghosting" yet.

 

It's only been three days.

 

He still may contact you, and explain.

 

If you don't hear back in, say, two weeks (giving him A LOT of leeway here), then you've been ghosted.

 

Do not text him anymore though.

 

Yes - good point. I do think he might be done, sorry, but he also might be taking some time to consider what he wants to say and how. Also do you two have things at each others places to exchange?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Of course there is.

 

You move on from the feelings you had developed for that person you were dating, even though no formal "relationship."

 

And I can understand how difficult that might be when there was no discussion, no actual "ending," and no closure, and things were going well prior to that.

 

Thank you! How can there be nothing to move on from when you spent three months together? Talking all day every day and hanging out every weekend.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm really sorry he is treating you this way. Ask yourself -what do you think he would tell you if he did get in touch that would benefit you "you're an AMAZING person but I'm not ready for a relationship?" "thanks for the great times, I will always remember them and I need to work on myself right now" - and then what happens when in a few weeks you find out that this man who gave you "closure" is now dating someone else exclusively? I realize he is acting a like a jerk and a coward I'm just trying to suggest a different perspective. Give yourself closure and his MIA behavior is kind of consistent with what he told you from the beginning -he was still hurting from his breakup - he's not himself (which doesn't excuse rudeness, just saying).

 

What can you do today/tomorrow for some self-care?

 

That's what stinks even more. So if he does end up reaching out, like you said, is it even worth it? I'm just feeling worthless knowing that he just left without even an explanation. I know that what I am looking for will probably never happen with him - closure. But it doesn't hurt any less. Besides sleeping, I'm not sure what else to do regarding self-care lol

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes - good point. I do think he might be done, sorry, but he also might be taking some time to consider what he wants to say and how. Also do you two have things at each others places to exchange?

 

I jumped to the conclusion of "ghosting" just because we were in constant contact all the time. Well not constant, but he never ignores me like this. That's why I think he's done. We don't have anything of real value at each other's places, just like toothbrushes and random clothes.

Link to post
Share on other sites
When you started dating and he had a girlfriend it shouldn’t of conitinued ( in my opinion) how can you have plans with someone who was in a long term relationship and going through a break up? Sounds like a rebound to me? Unless he is cold person and I know a few who can come out of a long term relationship and making future plans already. For your own sake I would tread carefully and it’s been a few days he could still contact you. From the info above it’s questionable. A long term relationship then a new relationship how can he move on so quickly ( maybe I am naive)

 

Well they were broken up when we started dating. But they had lived together so that's what I meant by "going through a break-up," sorry for the confusion. And I recognize my stupidity in staying with him during it. I knew the possible outcome, but I'm young and still learning. Still hopeful of romance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LG is he the same guy from February who you were chatting with (but had never met in person) and discovered he had a girlfriend?

 

You said you've been dating this new guy three months (before ghosting) but the timing doesn't quite add up, unless I'm missing something.

 

In any event, I'm sorry about the ghosting. :(

 

Unfortunately, it is him. When I ended up asking him about the gf, the whole story came out. So believe me, I am well-aware of how naive I have been with him. But things were so good after we cleared up everything. I guess I really was just a rebound.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well they were broken up when we started dating. But they had lived together so that's what I meant by "going through a break-up," sorry for the confusion. And I recognize my stupidity in staying with him during it. I knew the possible outcome, but I'm young and still learning. Still hopeful of romance.

 

So it's fine to be "young" and "inexperienced" but in this situation I don't think that's it. You knew the risks and chose the pleasure of dating him over the potential pain of his not wanting to date you for more than a few months. I wouldn't focus on "hoping" for "romance" but more on becoming the right person to find the right person -be a person who makes choices with eyes wide open and takes responsibility 100%. Not responsibility for being treated rudely as he did but responsibility that you knew the risk was high that this would be more of a short term fling even though you wanted more with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you! How can there be nothing to move on from when you spent three months together?

 

Talking all day every day and hanging out every weekend.

 

Sounds like a relationship to me, although not defined.

 

If you want to get technical about it, you were two people "relating" to each other, therefore it was a relationship.

 

In fact, imo even an FWB is a "relationship" of sorts. Not exclusive, casual and open, but a relationship nonetheless.

 

I do hope he contacts you, even if just to say it was too soon after his b/up or he's still hung up on his ex, or whatever.

 

Something to give you some closure.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ghosting. It comes with online dating. Its because men or women who do are not emotional intelligent enough on how to handle dumping someone. So they take the easy way out. The disappear hoping you`ll get the message you`ll leave them alone but you cant. You want answer and rightly derserve them.

 

At katrina says. Its not ghosting just yet as its only been 3 days. if it goes on for a week or a fortnight then you know for sure.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know it hurts to hear but it could possibly be that he is not over his ex. I remember I went out with a guy for almost a month but before we hung out he told me he didn't want a relationship since he got out of a relationship about 3 months prior. I also felt this pain myself - with someone who I wasn't even in a relationship with. It was just a long confusing connection that hurt me so much at times. Everyone heals differently from different things.

 

I would speak your truth maybe one last time then try to seperate yourself from him. If he isn't over his ex, you don't want to be a rebound (I'm sure he likes you but doesn't want to go through the same pain or cause YOU pain) and you also want to find someone who won't ignore your phone calls and messages.. and who is over their ex.. who can give you love and give you what you want. It's easy to say because I know you really do like this guy... it's not easy to just leave someone who you had this connection with. I promise you, it's not worth the pain if he eventually ends this because he realized he's "not over his ex." Once I told the guy that wasn't over his ex that I no longer wanted to be involved, it hurt a tiny bit but I felt better knowing I now could find someone who wanted me and KNEW that they just wanted me. Be strong.. you got this! Wishing you the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ghosting. It comes with online dating. Its because men or women who do are not emotional intelligent enough on how to handle dumping someone. So they take the easy way out. The disappear hoping you`ll get the message you`ll leave them alone but you cant. You want answer and rightly derserve them.

 

At katrina says. Its not ghosting just yet as its only been 3 days. if it goes on for a week or a fortnight then you know for sure.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with meeting online - many people go MIA after dating months because they are not willing to step up to the plate, no matter how they first were in contact. I do think that if people are "dating" online without meeting then often someone goes MIA for separate reasons having to do with online (meaning they are not who they say they are, or circumstances changed so they cannot be in touch anymore) but I am talking about actual dating in real life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Batya, good point!

 

I find it interesting how when a couple meets on line and something goes awry like ghosting or whatever it is, people are so quick to jump to "oh that's on line dating."

 

No it's not! Those you meet on line are the *same* people others are meeting in real life.

 

I've dated men I met in real life who were also on line even though that is not how "we" met.

 

But he's the same man other women were meeting on line!

 

It has nothing to do with "on line" versus "real life" - it's the person!

 

Rant over. :D

Edited by katrina1980
Link to post
Share on other sites

I know what you feel... I have been there. But in time you will realise that it is just a weakness. And it is not yours. It is the person who is ghosting who is really weak. Patience and focus on yourself. Exersize, learn a different language, find a new hobby.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I really hate to say this, but I don't think it's *always* a weakness.

 

Some people ghost cause they just don't give a cr** and can't be bothered.

 

Is that a weakness?

 

Perhaps, but to me it's more like lack of integrity especially when dating awhile (months), as in LG's case.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...