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The fear idea awoke a sleeping idea within... Fear that I will believe in something that isn't sustainable. A perfectly rational fear; one that I can speak out loud. I give myself permission to believe in the current moment.

 

I am not ready to believe in a future. I want to. That's okay; I don't need to be anywhere other than here.

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I may be off-base here, as I'm just writing from memory rather than deep scroll through past posts, but:

 

I recall that your last relationship—the aforementioned flake, the wound still healing—began with a touch of murkiness. A period during which you were still extricating, emotionally and maybe physically, from another man, a friend with some zing. Some adult-level crossover. If so, just might be worth recognizing, personal patterns and so forth. Some people are "down" for that, deft at it, and it is certainly one way to create a level of vulnerability and openness that can feel and be genuinely radical.

 

But are those the same people who have the stuff you need for a secure, sustainable romance? A question to snack on.

 

I myself have some history with self-destructive, self-protective behavior, a.k.a. doing something "bad" to sabotage something "good." Or, well, I once put it such terms. But when I looked back at the whole of my life, as lived so far, I realized that "pattern" only existed when I was forcing something a bit, or forcing myself into a shape I thought was true but just was not, when there was a chasm between the path I was actually on vs the path I wanted to be on, or believed I "should" be on.

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Good points.

 

I think, then, I had been single for long enough that I had become accustomed to seeing my adult-fun friend whenever schedules etc permitted it. Giving up that privilege was a conscious choice and one that felt both right and expensive; I wasn't going to let that go for a short term thing. Now, I don't feel that conflict; can let it go or not or just let it be; it will work itself out.

 

I would equate him to sugar. Seemingly fleeting and harmless but potentially bad for my long term health. Sometimes when we have needed to protect our primary relationships we have simply avoided each other by missing a text etc.

 

The pattern for me is simply the presence of him. Over time that presence has taken on different kinds of meaning. At the moment, it feels selfish more than anything else. With this person I have enjoyed my best adult-fun ever, by far. That isn't all it is about, not by long mile, but it is a certain and ever present truth.

 

So, at present, selfish is feeling right. I know I will go home and give my new relationship a chance, at the expense of seeing this particular friend. He doesn't know that. Man at home knows I am seeing him when I return; does not know of a man in this town.

 

I am just taking advantage of what is available to me, and that feels irresponsible when I write it out like that.

 

With that, I have determined not to see this friend of mine again while I am here. He suggested a time when we can have more time together. It may be more hurtful than he and I appreciate, as I will then withdraw again.

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Why irresponsible? I get that this is a journal but maybe you are overthinking this? You're dating a new person. You felt like hooking up with this guy. Why isn't that ok? Why does it require further analysis? Certainly it's another issue if you don't like your new person enough to continue dating him but that's separate from continuing to date/pursue/hook up pre-exclusivity.

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Out of town guy is not on my path forward. To adhere to my path is the surest way of going where I want to go.

 

Therefore, irresponsible to myself.

 

Oh ok - nothing to do with the guy you started dating then, really. Doesn't sound like you veered off any path in a significant way -just a minor dalliance right?

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I’m with Batya.

 

I think we all go through periods, often in the extended wake of breakups, where we are hyper-attuned to our paths. Great, ripe moments. Equally great? Being able to cut ourselves some slack and not infuse fun, particularly of the meaningless sort, with too much meaning.

 

It’s a bit like exercise or dieting, or at least my version of those things. My personal path is a healthy, active one, but there is room for burgers and a beer, and days spent lounging around doing absolutely nothing but staring out the window.

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There are certain goals I’m always attuned to and yes I let the more harmless moments pass and yes I have personal dealbreakers (like never skipping daily exercise except on one particular day a year or doctors orders/very sick with a fever). But I recognize my paths are sometimes going to be one step forward two steps back like my path to better parenting. Which is like your path because it’s about personal growth and self awareness.

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I’m with Batya.

 

I think we all go through periods, often in the extended wake of breakups, where we are hyper-attuned to our paths. Great, ripe moments. Equally great? Being able to cut ourselves some slack and not infuse fun, particularly of the meaningless sort, with too much meaning.

 

It’s a bit like exercise or dieting, or at least my version of those things. My personal path is a healthy, active one, but there is room for burgers and a beer, and days spent lounging around doing absolutely nothing but staring out the window.

 

Absolutely on point.

 

One of my lessons to myself along the way is to pay attention to incremental choices because when I see feel and celebrate those, it is easier for me to find my boundaries sooner and get back on path.

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Speaking out loud what I have been ashamed to say, which is: sex? Meh. We get it done.

 

I readily admit I have been treated to some off the charts atypical excellence in this department. I do expect it to improve. In a world of comparisons, it will likely never be my best, or even second best. But it might be wonderful as we grow in our knowledge and emotion and also in our own paths of fitness and personal.expression (through work and the arts).

 

Walk in the door, feel overcome by lust, and indulge in the power of that force? Nope. Not yet. I miss that, I do.

 

The man I wrote of last week.... that is the danger of his existence. Every time, that incredible passion exists. Other people have felt it between us, its been that way since the day we met. He offers perfect, loving, passionate, intimate gratification, perfectly matched and deftly delivered. His desire for me and mine for him has never waned, and we exist in the context of a loyal friendship, with NSA terms. I simply can not go there; it leaves a high water mark other situations don't reach. We are not well suited for an LTR. The passion though. Its the stuff of cheap novels and soft core porn.

 

Sex is not the most important factor. True. Also true, I want better sex. There, I said it. I do expect we will find it. Its not here yet.

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I have to ask, and forgive me if this is blunt, but: Do you believe what you're writing, or are you trying to convince yourself of something?

 

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject matter, and your post in particular, but I'll wade into the waters with that splash.

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I have to ask, and forgive me if this is blunt, but: Do you believe what you're writing, or are you trying to convince yourself of something?

 

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject matter, and your post in particular, but I'll wade into the waters with that splash.

 

Sex isn't everything... yep. tested that and found its not enough

That its just Meh ... yep. Attracted, for sure. It's just not all that. its just not.

 

Do I want new guy to be in shape? You betcha. Gotta wait that one out.

 

Do I want the sexy friend as a bf? No, I don't. Lots of reasons.

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The friendwith whom I can have such passion? We met years ago.

 

The current guy you are dating -right? I thought you were referring to the guy you just started dating - and whether you knew him for a long time before is very different from choosing to date/potential for the long term romantic relationship IMO.

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Sex isn't everything...

 

Okay, herewith some thoughts.

 

I've lived enough, walked around enough proverbial blocks, to have also learned that sex is not everything. But that same journey? It's taught me that love is not everything, either, nor is intellectual acumen. Or a rabid sense of adventure. Or a curious and compassionate nature. Or kindness. Or cleanliness, a passion for civil rights and environmental protection, or ambition and financial solvency.

 

But all of the above? They are something, pieces that can add up to everything, or something that feels enough like everything to exhale. Speaking for myself? They are all pretty critical, and fortunately those walks around all those blocks have given me (a) an idea of just how important and (b) a belief that they are not things I want to devote much energy to "working on," because I'm not sure I believe that work can be genuine or should be part of the fission of early connectivity.

 

Again, just me being me here, but I've always found it interesting that sex seems to be one of the biggest things adults are willing to compromise over, even minimize, when it comes to early romance. When we're young, before we're sexually active, few things are more mature, more adult, than the idea of having sex. Then we get naked with some people, have some orgasms in the gray zone, suffer some emotional whiplash, and an emphasis on sex becomes seen as immature, childlike, even borderline sinful, at least if it's seen as a make-or-break component to taking someone seriously romantically.

 

I've explored dating people, for instance, with whom my intellectual connection is on fire, but a zillion other factors limited the ability for the fire we made together to warm us properly. Takeaway? Well, it wasn't that I should be patient with the next person who was less fiery intellectually, to see if I can access my mature self in coaxing a Heidegger-level connection out of someone who is, say, very kind and terrific in bed, but seems pretty content with talking about hamburgers, or challenging myself to accept that Heidegger isn't "everything," but just a dead German existential philosopher. It was that I needed that intellectual fire and some other things, and so I was grateful that Woman X revealed to me and further clarified a piece of my ever-mysterious everything puzzle.

 

I'm being a tad flip, yeah. Guess I'm saying that I've had some pretty hot entanglements over the years of the sort you're describing with your friend: women who are not right for me, nor I them, but heat is heat, and a saucy bonfire we can make with metronomic reliability. Anyone I commit to romantically? We will be hotter than that. We will be many other things too, but we will be that. No compromising. Why? Because I know I'm incapable of giving myself to someone, as I'd like to, if anywhere in the back of my mind I'm wistful for a higher watermark. Would be inauthentic for me to try to trick myself into believing it could be another way. I've tried.

 

That's not to imply that I'm sex maniac or an intellectual maniac. I like to watch TV, laugh about dumb things, and all in all I seek someone around whom I can feel very calm while being thrilled by the way they engage with the business of being alive, and being themselves. I don't need soft core porn 24/7 or, well, anything 24/7. But those things, among others? I need to know they're there, for real, not just in my imagination, and I do believe we get that information about people pretty quickly and it's up to us to be honest about how that information is landing.

 

Lots of words, per usual, to say: be honest about where you're thirsty, and what's needed to quench it, so those high watermarks out there in the world are just that—impressions from the past, demagnetized by the present.

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Okay, herewith some thoughts.

 

I've lived enough, walked around enough proverbial blocks, to have also learned that sex is not everything. But that same journey? It's taught me that love is not everything, either, nor is intellectual acumen. Or a rabid sense of adventure. Or a curious and compassionate nature. Or kindness. Or cleanliness, a passion for civil rights and environmental protection, or ambition and financial solvency.

 

But all of the above? They are something, pieces that can add up to everything, or something that feels enough like everything to exhale. Speaking for myself? They are all pretty critical, and fortunately those walks around all those blocks have given me (a) an idea of just how important and (b) a belief that they are not things I want to devote much energy to "working on," because I'm not sure I believe that work can be genuine or should be part of the fission of early connectivity.

 

Again, just me being me here, but I've always found it interesting that sex seems to be one of the biggest things adults are willing to compromise over, even minimize, when it comes to early romance. When we're young, before we're sexually active, few things are more mature, more adult, than the idea of having sex. Then we get naked with some people, have some orgasms in the gray zone, suffer some emotional whiplash, and an emphasis on sex becomes seen as immature, childlike, even borderline sinful, at least if it's seen as a make-or-break component to taking someone seriously romantically.

 

I've explored dating people, for instance, with whom my intellectual connection is on fire, but a zillion other factors limited the ability for the fire we made together to warm us properly. Takeaway? Well, it wasn't that I should be patient with the next person who was less fiery intellectually, to see if I can access my mature self in coaxing a Heidegger-level connection out of someone who is, say, very kind and terrific in bed, but seems pretty content with talking about hamburgers, or challenging myself to accept that Heidegger isn't "everything," but just a dead German existential philosopher. It was that I needed that intellectual fire and some other things, and so I was grateful that Woman X revealed to me and further clarified a piece of my ever-mysterious everything puzzle.

 

I'm being a tad flip, yeah. Guess I'm saying that I've had some pretty hot entanglements over the years of the sort you're describing with your friend: women who are not right for me, nor I them, but heat is heat, and a saucy bonfire we can make with metronomic reliability. Anyone I commit to romantically? We will be hotter than that. We will be many other things too, but we will be that. No compromising. Why? Because I know I'm incapable of giving myself to someone, as I'd like to, if anywhere in the back of my mind I'm wistful for a higher watermark. Would be inauthentic for me to try to trick myself into believing it could be another way. I've tried.

 

That's not to imply that I'm sex maniac or an intellectual maniac. I like to watch TV, laugh about dumb things, and all in all I seek someone around whom I can feel very calm while being thrilled by the way they engage with the business of being alive, and being themselves. I don't need soft core porn 24/7 or, well, anything 24/7. But those things, among others? I need to know they're there, for real, not just in my imagination, and I do believe we get that information about people pretty quickly and it's up to us to be honest about how that information is landing.

 

Lots of words, per usual, to say: be honest about where you're thirsty, and what's needed to quench it, so those high watermarks out there in the world are just that—impressions from the past, demagnetized by the present.

 

I hear you loud and clear.

 

Following my instincts here, and words likely insufficient in the short moment I have... yet moved to say a little bit.

 

Yes, I agree with you. Agree isn't the right word.

 

At the same time -- had a great LTR with a deeply satisfying sexual aspect - with someone who had some very real limitations.

 

My instincts tell me there is more to this adventure than what I have experienced to date.

 

And yeah, if there never is more well then we gotta problem.

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Currently feeling muted... muted is the word. I feel as if what I need to do for myself and what I need to do for my kids is at odds.It makes sense. I have been slowly adjusting to being an empty nester. But, I am not, in fact, an empty nester. My sole teen remaining under my wing wants me home. It will be 4 weekends in a row that the man and I have been out of town separately, putting pressure on the week. Feeling defeated.

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So sorry you are feeling this way!

Thank you, Batya. My exH skipped his weekend without notice and teen has been choosing to stay with me in some other instances, and feeling a bit insecure in her skin. Feels like there isn't enough of me to go around, the part that feeds her nixes the part that feeds me.

 

And of course being her mom feeds me more than anything... balance, though.

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Thank you, Batya. My exH skipped his weekend without notice and teen has been choosing to stay with me in some other instances, and feeling a bit insecure in her skin. Feels like there isn't enough of me to go around, the part that feeds her nixes the part that feeds me.

 

And of course being her mom feeds me more than anything... balance, though.

 

I understand - I am sorry your ex-h is behaving this way!

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New guy is proving himself bf material. "You're worth waiting for" and no pressure. Also had good conversations with my high schooler, helping her launch a little more comfortably.

 

Feeling better.

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