Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Reading between the lines here, I'm sensing that you have become privy to some unsavory ideas about this fellow? Or perhaps I have it wrong? Regardless, sounds like you've got a great attitude, per usual. What I'd add to the things to remember from time to time is that the business of connecting only needs to be as complicated as it is enjoyable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 580
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Reading between the lines here, I'm sensing that you have become privy to some unsavory ideas about this fellow? Or perhaps I have it wrong? Regardless, sounds like you've got a great attitude, per usual. What I'd add to the things to remember from time to time is that the business of connecting only needs to be as complicated as it is enjoyable.

 

Oh, you read well as usual. I've heard nothing too terrible. Maybe an analogy would be... let's say he's a talent agent. Its difficult to do well and do right, to be both self-serving and kind.

 

I have heard good things, actually. He works with difficult people. I wonder if he is principled in his work.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This guy - he knows the most senior people in my local office, he knows people who were willing to speak of me to him and yet I don't even know who they are.

 

I'm guessing none of your mutual colleagues is speaking of him to you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's up to you whether the risk is worth it. And if it were me I'd balance the risk by focusing on the basics -it's fine to have posters here have to read between the lines -do yourself a favor and be nitty gritty simple with yourself. Of course it's difficult to do well and do right. Haven't you been teaching your kids to strike that balance for as long as you can remember? I bet you have. Difficult doesn't mean it's not doable or desirable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's up to you whether the risk is worth it. And if it were me I'd balance the risk by focusing on the basics -it's fine to have posters here have to read between the lines -do yourself a favor and be nitty gritty simple with yourself. Of course it's difficult to do well and do right. Haven't you been teaching your kids to strike that balance for as long as you can remember? I bet you have. Difficult doesn't mean it's not doable or desirable.

 

Sure.

 

I see no evidence of wrong doing and probably won't.

 

I have heard he is smart and soft hearted and I see evidence of that.

 

I have heard from him stories of him being too permissive with others; in the present, I see the opposite.

 

I will see much more of him this weekend. I am going to play through and see for myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sure.

 

I see no evidence of wrong doing and probably won't.

 

I have heard he is smart and soft hearted and I see evidence of that.

 

I have heard from him stories of him being too permissive with others; in the present, I see the opposite.

 

I will see much more of him this weekend. I am going to play through and see for myself.

 

None of that sounds like red flags at all - soft hearted/too passive at times works in certain interactions/relationships quite well!

Link to post
Share on other sites
None of that sounds like red flags at all - soft hearted/too passive at times works in certain interactions/relationships quite well!

 

Its true, Batya, all things in balance, of course. I am watching a reasonably assertive approach to creating a new business venture, so... I feel good about the balance.

 

Goodness if someone judged me per my past actions and not my current ones... I'd never get anywhere. Looking forward to extended time together this weekend. Allowing myself to respect my caution, because I see more than I can articulate.

 

Hmm - Part of what I see is his judgment of himself and fear that I would judge him harshly for behaviors he has put behind him. Kind of a double edged sword, from my perspective : Love thyself! And also, yeah, don't do that stuff anymore. We agree on these points (though not discussed as such).

 

Huh. Is that not where I am with me? haha of course it is. The old adage proves itself again: we attract what is within us... Well, ok. I can live with that. I am digging me these days.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As Doctor Phil has said -past behavior is the best predictor of future actions. So if you choose not to date him that is not judging -simply a choice not to date him. Hope you have fun this weekend!

Link to post
Share on other sites
As Doctor Phil has said -past behavior is the best predictor of future actions. So if you choose not to date him that is not judging -simply a choice not to date him. Hope you have fun this weekend!

 

Ha. As I have been on ENA through some reasonably chaotic dating years, if I followed Dr Phils advice I am not sure I would date myself. 😱

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ha. As I have been on ENA through some reasonably chaotic dating years, if I followed Dr Phils advice I am not sure I would date myself. 😱

 

LOL! My friend used to tell me when I was single to take myself out on a date when I had no plans on a Saturday night!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Had a super nice and easy weekend with... I suppose he needs a name... We had a sleepover, very comfy. I met some friends (who asked for more time together even the next day), lots of walking, time for me to play with my camera, and a very sweet special dinner. Thoughtful planning so that I could watch the sky, enjoy the water, share the anticipation of his next big purchase. He planned a perfect weekend that felt like we had no schedule while hitting a long list of special spots. Plus an explicit direction that I needn't carry a thing, and indeed I spent much of the time without a wallet a phone or a worry.

 

It is often that I go on a date and know that I can outplan, outorder, outmaneuver and outlast my date. I keep these thoughts to myself while also secretly creating a Plan B in the event something unexpected happens. A treat to be with someone who can be in command enough that I completely relaxed.

 

I intend to do this again.

 

TL/DR Date summary: I spent the weekend with a Type A man who is a feminist, who cries, and who is better at being a man than I'll ever be. Yes, bring it on. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

My daughters are, generally speaking, supportive of me making a new friend. I am enjoying someone who readily says "Sure I want to be alpha" and can do that without minimizing me, in fact seeking out opportunities to follow my direction. Entirely unfazed by my strength and his weakness -- but potentially would run from my weaknesses and is shoring up his weaknesses so that I won't run from his.

 

We talked about a travel plan. So what happened next? He called to arrange logistics. Nothing sits stagnant.

 

He cries. He carries anything I carry, my bag, anything. He pays, I can not pay. I try. He drives. He walks, he talks. We walked 5 miles, had conversation, got a snack, ended the day. Nothing but us on a walk. When does he cry? All the time. Stories about kids, parents. Movies. Work people, friends, strangers, airplanes... no matter. He cries.

 

I feel like in that way he is an example of the stereotype of what women want, which is not how it feels because he is a person to me and not a symbol... but it cracks me up to describe it. Some big burly dude who is all about being the "man" and who cries.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My daughters are, generally speaking, supportive of me making a new friend. I am enjoying someone who readily says "Sure I want to be alpha" and can do that without minimizing me, in fact seeking out opportunities to follow my direction. Entirely unfazed by my strength and his weakness -- but potentially would run from my weaknesses and is shoring up his weaknesses so that I won't run from his.

 

We talked about a travel plan. So what happened next? He called to arrange logistics. Nothing sits stagnant.

 

He cries. He carries anything I carry, my bag, anything. He pays, I can not pay. I try. He drives. He walks, he talks. We walked 5 miles, had conversation, got a snack, ended the day. Nothing but us on a walk. When does he cry? All the time. Stories about kids, parents. Movies. Work people, friends, strangers, airplanes... no matter. He cries.

 

I feel like in that way he is an example of the stereotype of what women want, which is not how it feels because he is a person to me and not a symbol... but it cracks me up to describe it. Some big burly dude who is all about being the "man" and who cries.

 

Postus interruptus.

 

Putting a little context around that alpha comment -- he asked to travel somewhere familiar to me and not him. I was sensitive to taking the lead on agenda, activities. He enjoys making a plan and carrying it out, and I backed off a bit so that he could step up, and said so. (Yay me, I was explicit with my thoughts!) This led to alpha comment... he is starting a new business, he is definitely comfortable and desirous of setting the agenda. I have said before that I "need" an entrepreneurial mate, and he is one. He gets me when I say I am making this meeting or that one.He knows I meet with men all day long. He gets disgusted by chauvinist behavior.

 

Was he always like this? Highly doubtful. He says he was too directive. I guess he was less principled.

 

I wasn't always like myself now, either.

 

I think perhaps he loves himself. It is the coolest trait.

 

Anyway. Talking because its fun to enjoy the beginning.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Telltale sign of selfishness within me, and a bit of recovery rebound

 

Am out of town for extended work travel. Am in the vicinity of a peculiar NSA friendship that always has had sexual elements, and sometimes we indulge our attraction. We have loved each other, hurt each other, trusted each other, watched each other couple up... for a decade-ish. Today we had a drink, we had a smooch.

 

I wouldn't have wanted my man at home to behave this way. I was looking forward to seeing this old friend of mine, I was looking forward to the whole array of selfish fun: the joy of seeing a friend, the thrill of raw attraction, the pleasure of the smash face.

 

Part of my ability to do enjoy today is derivative of my last relationship. He was determined to love me, since 2004. ! And then he flaked. I am feeling overdue for some indulgent me time.

 

 

Note to self to get straight.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Telltale sign of selfishness within me, and a bit of recovery rebound

 

Am out of town for extended work travel. Am in the vicinity of a peculiar NSA friendship that always has had sexual elements, and sometimes we indulge our attraction. We have loved each other, hurt each other, trusted each other, watched each other couple up... for a decade-ish. Today we had a drink, we had a smooch.

 

I wouldn't have wanted my man at home to behave this way. I was looking forward to seeing this old friend of mine, I was looking forward to the whole array of selfish fun: the joy of seeing a friend, the thrill of raw attraction, the pleasure of the smash face.

 

Part of my ability to do enjoy today is derivative of my last relationship. He was determined to love me, since 2004. ! And then he flaked. I am feeling overdue for some indulgent me time.

 

 

Note to self to get straight.

 

Are you exclusive with the other man? Doesn't sound like it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, if you're not exclusive than I wouldn't frame this as detour from the "straight" path, or an indulgence in "selfishness." No need to tsk-tsk, which can be its own form of indulgence, but just be honest with yourself about where you're at right now so you can be honest in dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, if you're not exclusive than I wouldn't frame this as detour from the "straight" path, or an indulgence in "selfishness." No need to tsk-tsk, which can be its own form of indulgence, but just be honest with yourself about where you're at right now so you can be honest in dating.

 

I like this approach - a good reminder to love myself first, and listen rather than direct.

 

Also I know that I move through moments when I study and learn, and have some intention about finding and being on path. I am a little bit off path, I can feel it. Possibly acting out in ways that are incremental but off path nonetheless.

 

Possibly the fear of being in relationship, a self destructive / self protective instinct.

Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...