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Yes, to me what's relevant here is the one year you dated/were romantically involved - the 14 year friendship/acquaintanceship of course factors in and to me would be basically irrelevant to whether you two are compatible for a romantic committed relationship. From the many posts you wrote about when you were dating him there certainly was a period of time when you were crazy about/really into him and saw potential for forever.

 

I still see that potential. I am genuinely happy in his company. That said, I am not willing to be his daily pen pal in perpetuity. This evening I emailed about collecting my things.

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I am just so over being well loved and released.

 

In a few days I am picking up stuff and dropping my key. Selling tickets for a show in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that I will have to tell my kids and maybe he has a preference for how to do that. He did not balk; he said that's important and he would think about it. This is totally about him, and its got me a bit hot.

 

Just going to be loving. And silent.

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I still see that potential. I am genuinely happy in his company. That said, I am not willing to be his daily pen pal in perpetuity. This evening I emailed about collecting my things.

 

Love how concrete you were in this post. Sorry you have to go through the collecting the stuff, etc.

 

It sounded for awhile when Slush was in contact that you might have "released" him or at least partially.

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So, finally, the flood gates open. Fear that Slush was my soulmate. Fear that 25 years from now we would split up and he wouldn't have a family. Fear that he wasn't the right person for me. Fear that he would be my H but not ever part of a family. Fear fear fear fear. Debilitating self sabotaging fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of not being enough.

 

The goal of fixing that so he can stop sabotaging us. (uh, okay... so maybe sabotaging us wasn't the right way to begin?)

 

Anyway. This is very thin ice on which to skate. Meanwhile, he awaits a reply from his therapist.

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Why is Slush such an important figure in your life?

 

Good question. Freudian view: he triggered both my curiosity and insecurity/daddy issues due to uber smarts and rock-like nature.

 

I found that after my dad died, his utility to me diminished so i think it is because he gave me a safe place to feel secure and still while my father was dying.

 

I hadn't expected Bf to think he was even relevant, now. I don't feel any Slushy residue. But I understand. The two men bf knows have lasted in my imagination are highly capable and fearlessly alpha. i mean bf knows everything about my past. me too. i know what positions he preferred with his ex wife, from years ago when he told me things he no longer remembers. She too is highly impressive. Last night he affirmed, "I don't mind, babe. We enjoy knowing everything about each other." -- But I wasn't over Slush when bf and I decided to date. I took responsibility for that. (He also had some leftovers to sort.)

 

Slush and I haven't spoken since March or April. We texted before Thanksgiving, affirmed we would both be in town, and then neither of us reached out to the other all holiday. That was a nice way to communicate to ourselves and each other that we had an option and didn't call it; we had no interest. I think we knew that well before then but hadn't communicated it to the other. We closed the door in a way that the other could see it. At least, I did.

Edited by IAmFCA
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bf just asked us to get together sometime and discuss internalizing love. YES ! This is exactly the point. I can't initiate because it is not new ground for me. He can initiate because it IS new ground for him. It is easy for me to own it, to overspeak. I will encourage this rap session and work at listening. Who cares if it is old ground. I always need practice and learn new perspectives.

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bf just asked us to get together sometime and discuss internalizing love. YES ! This is exactly the point. I can't initiate because it is not new ground for me. He can initiate because it IS new ground for him. It is easy for me to own it, to overspeak. I will encourage this rap session and work at listening. Who cares if it is old ground. I always need practice and learn new perspectives.

 

Lesson 1. Make no presumptions or divisive observations, even to myself. Maybe it is old ground for him too. His thread to me was rife with self denigration, he still feels the darkness. But we also are the same. I still carry a deep shame, I self isolate. We need as much love from ourselves as we can get. Jus like everyone else.

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Bf assumed if he was self focused he needed to release me, even as he was sure his intwntions are to allow us to have a strong foundation

 

iamfca was sure that if he is releasing me and telling me he has to withdraw that it means he is devaluing me and is checked out

 

bf and gf talk some MORE omg tired of talking!

 

so, life goes on, bf and gf still intertwined, if with more individual time in the mix, which works well for both parties.

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Its so fine. The drama was all fear and loathing in Ha! not telling.

 

I'm giving him room... meanwhile he communicates at every transition. He must have been failing his own expectations but I'm fine.

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bf is texting that he is home reading having tea, to stop by if I need to get out. Then he said he didn't mean it to be a half invite, that he was enjoying his clean place and quiet book. He is jammed full of events tomorrow. So he asked me to breakfast tomorrow and/or Sunday.

 

I don't know if I want to go, so I didn't answer. Said lots of other things,warm and forthcoming. I think I might be frustrated going to breakfast, maybe awkward even. I will know in the a.m. Next weekend we had a date on Friday night but he is unclear about going. I am selling the tickets tomorrow, I've already seen this band 4x. Thank goodness his therapist is on deck. I hope when they start up again bf finds it helpful.

 

I am going to keep doing me. Maybe breakfast, maybe not. I'll figure it out last minute.

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oh. bf says he wants to go next Friday. he followed up with, I am excited to go. And tomorrow he may help with late night parent-taxi duties. While I might not see him exactly, he is still in my corner and lifting me up. That's nice. :)

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Sounds like he is more scared of losing you now than he is of the other stuff. I am suspicious of why he would risk you being snapped up by someone else by actually walking away instead of giving thought to staying and resolving his fears and choosing you over fear, if it really is fear that is the obstacle.

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Sounds like he is more scared of losing you now than he is of the other stuff. I am suspicious of why he would risk you being snapped up by someone else by actually walking away instead of giving thought to staying and resolving his fears and choosing you over fear, if it really is fear that is the obstacle.

 

Agree! Our talking helped me see how it came to that. In part anger and in part logic, he was ready to let me go if i didn't respect him, and i had said I was starting to question my respect (because i saw him floundering inside and not getting help nor being more intentional about resolving it). And he had thought I was better matched elsewhere. By presuming he knew what i needed, he talked himself right out the door. He also thought it responsible; if he can't do the work he should resign. He interpreted my resistance as an act of love, and talked himself back into it. I said, if you've got a health issue, then we address it. We don't just break it off. That made sense to him and he was able to reframe his depression without shame.

 

I see the logic/fatalism now. It matters fully that he is actively working to resolve therapeutically.

 

I suppose I should add - he has been emphatic that he has a long term view, that there is nobody else or intention of finding anyone else, and he still sends me messages or calls at night (i have lots of tooth brush ing selfies... whyyyyyy ), waking up ( as just now) and in between.

Edited by IAmFCA
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Breakfast was fun, affectionate, comfortable. Not at all awkward. He felt fully present, intentional, with both feet planted here and not half out the door.

 

He is being intentional about seeing me, how he sees me, making sure it feels positive for me. Offering to go wherever I'd like, making sure to pay, etc. He suggested breakfast again tomorrow; I again did not make a plan.

 

He brought up our date for Friday. It made him smile and his shoulders seemed to relax further as he talked about it.

 

It is as he has described. Is still trying to get onto his therapist's calendar, and even that thought was a fun one for him. He knows he put himself on the path forward. He isn't floundering any longer.

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"I suppose I should add - he has been emphatic that he has a long term view, that there is nobody else or intention of finding anyone else, and he still sends me messages or calls at night (i have lots of tooth brush ing selfies... whyyyyyy ), waking up ( as just now) and in between."

 

Yes and hopefully he will back that up with consistent actions and staying the course instead of running when he's scared. Glad you enjoyed your time with him!

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"I suppose I should add - he has been emphatic that he has a long term view, that there is nobody else or intention of finding anyone else, and he still sends me messages or calls at night (i have lots of tooth brush ing selfies... whyyyyyy ), waking up ( as just now) and in between."

 

Yes and hopefully he will back that up with consistent actions and staying the course instead of running when he's scared. Glad you enjoyed your time with him!

 

Yes Batya of course. As he said tonight re next weekend: I still have to sort some things out. I still need to do some work within myself. At the same time, its really simple. I have someone who loves me, who is sharing something she loves with me. I should not be turning away from that. I should be saying Thank you.

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Yes Batya of course. As he said tonight re next weekend: I still have to sort some things out. I still need to do some work within myself. At the same time, its really simple. I have someone who loves me, who is sharing something she loves with me. I should not be turning away from that. I should be saying Thank you.

 

Yes, love is important and it's nice that he shares things with you. Definitely parts of a relationship! I understand you're thankful for that and hopefully he is thankful that you are ok with him leaving you because he was scared and wanting you to give him another chance rather than staying the course and finding a different way to resolve a temporary fear than throwing the baby out with the bath water.

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Yes, love is important and it's nice that he shares things with you. Definitely parts of a relationship! I understand you're thankful for that and hopefully he is thankful that you are ok with him leaving you because he was scared and wanting you to give him another chance rather than staying the course and finding a different way to resolve a temporary fear than throwing the baby out with the bath water.

 

That's the thing. I haven't ever felt unappreciated, since we met. As a colleague and otherwise, somehow he sees and appreciates a version of me that is better than the actual me. The day I felt my respect for him was at risk was the first and only time I felt taken for granted, and even then it was just a glimmer of a feeling. I had stayed at his, and nothing in particular had happened; he went to work and then I went to work. But I felt it and left his place as fast as was practical. When he got home later he knew I was out of sorts because he saw I hadn't made the bed, which I always do. (He always does when at mine as well.)I hadn't felt spiteful; I had felt over-invested and that I wasn't going to waste another minute on an act of kindness.

 

My attempt at waving a warning flag was poor: I said I felt vaguely at risk of being unappreciated, and that in that moment it reduced my respect for him. I was triggered by a marriage in which I almost always felt unappreciated and invisible. I had meant to strike a concern between us because my feelings were a threat to the relationship. He heard "respect" and that triggered him, by hitting on perhaps his most basic core value. He reasoned If she doesn't respect me then she's not the one for me. And so it went until we pulled it back from the cliff. The thing is, it resulted in him changing his boundaries and getting help. And both things were necessary.

 

I haven't ever felt taken for granted except that one time, and even then it was fleeting. Rather I feel he sees me through a filter of kindness. I don't know why he does but he always has. (Well, not always I suppose. We had to meet and become friends first.)

Edited by IAmFCA
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bf invited daughter and me to breakfast, our choice of one of two spots. Chose the regular diner, where the man behind the counter/at the grill watched us bloom by way of us being regulars, separately then together. Today was the first time he saw bf and me together with my daughter. As we walked out, the grill man looked up then back to his grill, a secret little smile on his face. Something fun about that.

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Sounds like you still feel appreciated and respected and cared for when he leaves the relationships because he is scared. You're entitled! We all have different priorities and standards on that front.

 

Cute story about the breakfast!

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Sounds like you still feel appreciated and respected and cared for when he leaves the relationships because he is scared. You're entitled! We all have different priorities and standards on that front.

 

Cute story about the breakfast!

 

?

 

Batya, I don't regard him as having left the relationship, at all. If he gave me any reason to think his interests were elsewhere or just not with me , I'd be gone. Its why I had planned to take my things, return my key.

 

He had said he was out but his actions didn't back that up so I knew it wasn't what he wanted. I said I as out if he had no intentions for me and about that, he was emphatic.

 

I don't feel that his behavior has changed as if it because he is afraid. I actually would not like that. This is his normal. His expectation of himself is different, and I suppose now he feels he has permission (which he always had of course) to do what he wants/needs. It seems "bf" to him meant that he needed to give up his weekends, and it just doesn't mean that. Not to me.He has never been in a relationship wherein time together wasn't a primary value; conversely, I had to learn how valuable it is because my family's norms easily accommodated distance.

 

Anyhow, yes, I do feel appreciated and attended to, and I am glad to have my time as well.

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