Jump to content

Open Club  ·  29 members  ·  Free

Journals

Recommended Posts

So... this is my new journal. I am writing with double vision while I wait for my new scrip to arrive. I don't know if I will use this space. Or how. No commitments.

 

Came here to say

 

Wow.

 

He steps up in so many ways, he works hard to understand me, I am so happy in his company, and I am happy to have him as my partner. He has met my boss at work, my besties are hearing about him and meeting him, and I am comfortable with all. My bff with most familiarity is telling me not to screw it up; his bff is saying the same to him.

 

I am so happy with my choice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 580
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

OK. Using this space... polluting this space. I haven't done what I need to do. Slush. I mentioned it above then deleted in a form of self protection. Last week, lunch. Then I left town. Today, a check in from him. I haven't walked away. And while he - Arthur, my new beau - would understand, it would delay or end this good thing I have with him. Sacrificing Arthur for Slush feels like the wrong choice. So, isn't that a choice? Why entertain his texts?

 

Why? Because I can. Because I missed having some linkage when I thought it gone, (and even told Arthur that).Because I am not married or engaged to be married. Because despite the history, I understand Slush as a person, and I understand him as so close to right for me. So close. Close enough that it could work. And my thing with Arthur. Its so new. What if we are wrong? What if...?

 

Even so. A million arguments, a list of pros and cons, most importantly, the ease, the trust, the acceptance as - is, the feeling... So many arguments direct me in the direction of one man, happily, exclusively. Arthur is clear, direct, certain. He learns about me so that he can keep me. That is a gift! So many gifts.

 

So, why? Slush: He is incredibly steady, self assured, self controlled. The competence. The maturity. The unflappable demeanor. Its singular, deliberate, attractive, hard to capture. Maybe I am capturing it. Slowly.

 

But I don"t think he is my best match. My happiest match.

 

It remains a challenge for me to close the door. It is shameful selfish behavior on my part yet I am not sure I feel as bad as I ought. Getting married - choosing one partner whether marriage or its proxy - that is a big deal. I am afraid of choosing what is good in the moment, of growing out of my choice.

 

A counselor may be warranted. My behavior might reflect that deep fear of abandonment, the fear of intimacy, the same ole' pattern of self sabotage because I fear I am not enough to retain someone. I don't recognize those fears within me -- also, I've no model for nor experience with a truly intimate and healthy relationship.

 

----

 

Lots of words. I haven't closed the door. I am afraid to . I need to find my way to do that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Once again, eNA serves its purpose - even in the act of writing this journal.

 

Slush represents by example the only kind of long-term sustainable marital union that I have within my family. My parents, and the one example among my siblings of long term commitment, respect and union - these are relationships wherein the husband is highly intellectual, introverted, and minimally expressive in outwardly emotional terms. The wife creates and strives for intimacy, perpetually, finally arriving at a peace within. Both parties are deeply committed and devoted to one another. The topography of their lives is less about joy and more about responsibility/achievement, as if I think the two are oppositional. There is joy in achievement. Joy in struggle. After years on my own, I am tired of struggle, and I appreciate the joy of simply enjoying one another.

 

Slush delivers a relationship like in my family, one with which I am familiar and is baked into my dna.

 

It is a model I decided I didn't want, even as a teen and again years later. But I've no example otherwise, and in some respects, learned to diminish other kinds of happiness as frivolous.

 

What I know and what I feel is coming into conflict with my learned dna.

 

So... now I need to change my dna.

 

Next steps: Read up on choosing my own relationship model when in conflict with the models provided by family.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I talked to my bf about the conflict between my learned habit of a certain distant intimacy and my natural drive towards a more interactive style.

 

He adroitly said, Would it make you feel good if I don't call you for a week? lol Yes it would. He said, Yeah, we're not doing that....

 

The safety in communication is special to me. I will keep that privilege if I respect it.

 

My bff says "But Slush hasn't presented himself to you." That's so not the point. I know that by reaching out to me he is telling me a lot. I've dumped him, been hurt, mad, and healed, and not reached out to him. He hasn't presented himself and I don't expect him to: I've not invited it nor has he signaled it. He hasn't let it go either

 

But the point is, I have to not want it. It has to be clear to me what I want and what I don't. I'd like more clarity.

 

Talking about Slush's new job when we went for lunch, we used few words. Even me. But the content was high level telling and incisive. I made a comment that reflected my wisdom while also cementing a new idea in my own head. It reflected my understanding of his role and his challenge. I quite enjoyed that exchange of quiet smarts. It stays with me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well... communication is great and all that but its also exhausting. Ergo, maybe I like my Slush types because I don't have to communicate much. Not much investment, but not much in return either.

 

What Arthur does for me isn't that its FOR me nor what the action is at any one point. Its that he invests himself in knowing what I need and then strives to give it to me. Do I need a ride? How about exercise, do I need that? Vegetables? A little bit of strong hand to remind me of his clarity and intention? AND he makes himself available for whatever it is.

 

Meanwhile, he lets me do for him what I can. He accepts my influence like a gift. Is reading the book I lent, is eating the healthy foods I make. It makes me feel like I have something to offer.

 

Law of attraction - we each have a sensitivity to being clear that we've been heard.

 

Unpacking an issue takes 90 minutes. Can we do it in 15?

 

Sigh.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread of posts will be out of balance because I am picking at an issue. My bf and I see each other frequently - almost daily - in short bits that have become comfortable and supportive of my goals (and maybe his... thinking selfishly here so that I am my own best advocate). We exercise, we talk shop, we talk about relationship dynamics. It feels positive, supportive. I am happier, I am comfortable introducing him to others, I am moving forward in ways that I need to and want to.

 

I am also uncomfortable in some respects and I speak out about that.

 

And so I am uncertain - as I ought to be, perhaps - about my ability to commit 100%.

 

Slush texted for another lunch; I declined due to a full calendar. It is a way of us keeping each other in some sort of option space.

 

The danger: If he were to become a different man, I would have a different answer. The danger isn't Slush. The danger is my open question: If a man were like Slush but courted me as I like, what then?

 

This raises my awareness of two - no, three - patterns I have that are potentially destructive: (1) to sabotage a relationship by undercutting my man, and (2) to view men in 2D, objectify them. And (3) to keep one foot out in case I want to escape. And maybe (4) - to internalize his gifts to me so seamlessly that I think I own them, but I would lose them. And that would be stupid.

 

My fear of abandonment is at work, protecting me from being trapped somewhere I do not want to be. It is important I do what I need to do, in a constructive way, to trust my judgment. I am accustomed to losing my voice when I listen to others - but I have become stronger and better at keeping my power over myself. I think I will be okay over time, and I will become capable of committing in an authentic way, over time. I wish I were better at it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There is no substitute for being with someone who gives me what I need, and who needs what I find easy to give. In practical ways and also in ways of giving me guidance and tolerance. He has talked me out of deepening hole, one he didn't know existed until I said, "Its critical. What do I do?" And he said, "You do A, B, and C. You may complain about C, but its what you need." Nailed it.

 

We had a funny exchange about an appliance. We had a potentially threatening conversation about my behavior (reasonably so)... while having an intimate moment, euphemistically speaking. We had an exchange about his family in which I challenged his decisions. All of them -- all! -- were managed in accordance with the values of authenticity and transparency, and our efforts to steer as close to those values as possible. With permission to fail, and respect for each other's needs and instincts.

 

He says I work so hard for him and he appreciates it. I don't know what he is talking about. I see my energy and my actions, but it doesn't feel like work at all. I see his affection for me coloring his actions, like he has taken on a new hue that only I can see.

 

The other day he gave me a gift. It was a practical gift, that was also a sweet one. My private mind was telling. And I am keeping it to myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dumped my long term fwb via text during a dinner event. He was trending back into "benefits"... my bf kindly said He's a good man; he may not realize his own behavior.

 

Gosh I love the bfs approach. ♡ No need to be unkind.

 

Me so happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Would you be ok with your boyfriend having a Slushette in his life in the same way you maintain contact with Slush?

 

No, I don't want him keeping anyone as an option. I no longer want Slush as an option either. Bf knows all about Slush, and was a great sounding board for me as I worked to understand my motivations. He also was clear about his limitations; that he would not invest further if I were keeping options open. Bf and I have similar abilities to maintain options; he understands me well and did not rush my timing.

 

The second time Slush was about to suggest lunch, I headed him off by citing my full schedule. It was an honest act that stopped short of saying, "and don't ever ask again", which for Slush is unnecessarily blunt. I did not invite an alternative suggestion and have not had contact with him since. If I hear from him again, I'll handle it in a conclusive way.

 

Bf gets kind of an angry face re Slush. Not about my interest, but about Slush's disinterest. Its kind of sweet, like, How can he respect a man who didn't see my value? But Slush knows my value; he also could see that we don't quite match. Close but not close enough.

 

-- I know about bf's hangers on, as well. We agreed to be as kind as possible to whomever we needed to brush off. I am glad for it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh ok I read wrong. It sounded like you still had feelings for Slush and had him on your radar, at least emotionally, as an option. So if he called you and said he changed his mind and wanted to be with you in the way you wanted to be with him you would not entertain it because of your relationship with your boyfriend?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh ok I read wrong. It sounded like you still had feelings for Slush and had him on your radar, at least emotionally, as an option. So if he called you and said he changed his mind and wanted to be with you in the way you wanted to be with him you would not entertain it because of your relationship with your boyfriend?

 

This has been an emerging topic, so you probably read correctly in prior posts; I have been ambivalent about my interest even as it wanes: why is it there at all?

 

I don't want to keep Slush as an option. The man he would be if in love with me might be amazing. But. I don't trust him to accept me as I am, I don't trust him to find new ways to relate to his partner if that is what it takes. He and I are too rigid souls, our world views are diametrically opposed, and our ability to resolve conflict leaves me unattended. In relationship, Slush is a complete cat. But he is uncomfortable being so vulnerable. It's too precious. Too precarious.

 

Maybe he had changed his mind, or was considering it. I wouldn't know, because he keeps it all unspoken and I won't be around to notice if he turns up the volume.

 

What my relationship has taught me is that I don't have to have angst at home, as my parents did, as my siblings do. Slush takes me down a road I know well, but don't want to travel again.

 

I shine brightly with the understanding I get from my guy. It's too good to want anything different.

 

So, Slush: intimate, worthwhile, intoxicating, but not for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What bf demonstrates is responsibility-- that is, what it looks like when someone takes responsibility for changing themselves and for preparing for the relationship they want. He has meetings twice a week to make sure he is healthy-- his response to his having been absent from his marriage. He addresses his concerns with me directly yet without conflict and without weakness. He asks to hear all relevant information, and in exchange works to provide a loving ear. His intent on making this work is plain.

 

It's scary for me, because failure is an option. We don't have to do this. More than that, its freeing, leavening. ts clear we both want to make this stick, and we already feel like we are better people because of the others influence. How great is that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm glad it's going so well and that you feel comfortable continuing contact with Slush as your boyfriend does as well.

 

Well, that's not exactly accurate to say I am continuing contact, since I haven't followed up with contact after I avoided his lunch invite. I do not intend to continue contact nor stiff arm him. He will fade on his own and may be gone already.

 

I will miss his deeply still demeanor... and I will be able to find that where I am, in time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, that's not exactly accurate to say I am continuing contact, since I haven't followed up with contact after I avoided his lunch invite. I do not intend to continue contact nor stiff arm him. He will fade on his own and may be gone already.

 

I will miss his deeply still demeanor... and I will be able to find that where I am, in time.

 

Oh ok -that wasn't clear at all from what you wrote. It sounds like your boyfriend is not "deeply still" and is very much there with you and into you so FWIW I agree with your BFF at her suggestion that you not 'mess this up". I wouldn't put it as negatively but I agree with the message.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh ok -that wasn't clear at all from what you wrote. It sounds like your boyfriend is not "deeply still" and is very much there with you and into you so FWIW I agree with your BFF at her suggestion that you not 'mess this up". I wouldn't put it as negatively but I agree with the message.

 

Agree completely. And his bff said the same to him.

 

Slush doesn't need to be broken up with; I did that months ago. We don't text or chat. I haven't shown any interest since declining the 2nd lunch. If he contacts me I will know what to do at that time; whatever it is, the door isn't open. Objectively speaking, he is eminently want-able. It's not about him. I don't want him because we aren't right for each other. I will be glad to let him go affirmatively, as I am glad to have let go of my fwb.

 

If Slush doesn't contact me, I will let time and distance communicate for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sounds like a good choice you made back then to stop interacting with him.

 

Yep. But he remained compelling. Glad I stayed with it in my mind so I could sort my reasons and grow some more.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Was in physical pain. Bf handled me like a trained professional. And then made me feel sexy. Which is just ridiculous. I can hardly move. I learned of two past intellectual interests. I asked "Why didn't you pursue x career?" Not knowing it had been his intent to do just that. The second interest is a body of knowledge he studied in secret. It relates directly to my family's interests, but he didn't know. He is currently studying an obscure modern language. Also is studying how to understand my kids and join up with them (slowly).

 

He swears he learns from me etc. Heaven knows what.

 

Lottery.

Link to post
Share on other sites

After a week or two of silence, Slush tested the waters again this afternoon with a text. I did not reply. I felt curious, at most.

 

Later, after a night of practical things, bf and I settled in for a show. We rarely watch. The scene was so familiar. My mind kept finding memories. He asked where I was; then he took me to his room and directed us through an extensive romp.

 

This was a good lesson. When our SO wanders, do something about it. Focus on the win, not the whine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not sure I will reply to Slush. I do not see the point. If he asked for something more meaningful, then maybe I would offer an explanation. As it is, he sent a trial balloon and my job is to let the balloon pass me by. I feel sad for Slush, a bit. I feel I was a source of security and a friend to him. I don't know what will come of my silence.

 

I struggle with the sensation of him versus the experience of him. I can feel the incredible sense of relief I felt when comfortably with him. Slush's ability to offer that was enhanced by his distance. His aloof nature. He let me in so close, but didn't protect me, so, so what. Still, I love that stillness, and will think about a way to put it into the habits bf and I are creating together.

 

I assume Slush is going through a break up or distancing of sorts. His daughter told mine some weeks ago that he has a gf, so it must have been compelling to him, for it to last this long and for him to share that information with her. Maybe he is finding his way. Sigh. We could make such great partners... if our skills and needs were better matched. (Hardly ever true for me but, ha, sounds like, well isn't that true for everyone?)

 

Haven't slept, so prattling on about a man I don't even want to think about. Silly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...