Is this rape?

[Mastodon]

I was out having drinks with some friends when this guy and I started chatting. My friends were ready to call it a night and asked if I'd be okay. I said I was fine and stayed. This guy and I ended up grabbing something to eat and hitting another spot to drink. Now this is where I don't even remember taking another drink, I don't remember much at all. I don't remember going back to his place and I don't remember getting undressed. I have a flashback of him on top of me and kind of trying to push him away because I was a virgin and it hurt. Then I just remember looking away. When I woke up naked I couldn't believe how stupid I was. I've NEVER gone and acted recklessly like this before. I shouldn't have drank like I did, especially with someone I didn't know.

[katrina1980]

How did you feel (physically) when you woke up?

 

Did you get sick (vomitting)? Did you feel groggy? Different from a hangover.

 

The fact you don't remember taking another drink, going back to his home, or getting undressed is troubling!

 

As is having a "flashback" of him being on top of you.

 

If the answers to these questions are yes, and you have not showered yet, go to the police, they will prepare a "rape kit" and run tests for certain drugs like rohypnol (typical "date rape" drug) the symptoms of which are identical to what you say you experienced.

[Wiseman2]

Only an ER exam including a toxicology screen for drugs and a police investigation/rape kit can answer that.

I don't even remember taking another drink, I don't remember much at all. I don't remember going back to his place and I don't remember getting undressed

[Jibralta]

Agree with the above.

 

You must feel horrible.

 

I am sorry this happened to you.

[Snny]

You might have came in contact with date rape drugs. You have to watch your drink and be very careful who you are drinking around.

 

Yes this is rape.

 

Go to the ER. Whatever you do, Do not shower

[figureitout23]

So sorry, I agree with the others, I would go to the ER and get checked out.

[Cope]

I was out having drinks with some friends when this guy and I started chatting. My friends were ready to call it a night and asked if I'd be okay. I said I was fine and stayed. This guy and I ended up grabbing something to eat and hitting another spot to drink. Now this is where I don't even remember taking another drink, I don't remember much at all. I don't remember going back to his place and I don't remember getting undressed. I have a flashback of him on top of me and kind of trying to push him away because I was a virgin and it hurt. Then I just remember looking away. When I woke up naked I couldn't believe how stupid I was. I've NEVER gone and acted recklessly like this before. I shouldn't have drank like I did, especially with someone I didn't know.

 

Yes it's rape. When a person is unable able to provide consent, it's rape. Can you prove it in court? Unlikely. Is that the point? No.

Drinking that much is never a good idea, but does not make it your fault that you were raped. We're talking about a person who forced himself on another person who was passed out drunk. That's a crime.

 

Here's a very nice video about consent, it may help you feel less guilty about what you went through:

 

[abitbroken]

Yes. its most definitely rape.

[melancholy123]

I agree you were raped. I also think you were drugged. Go to the ER and get checked out.

[smackie9]

I believe you were drugged but it's difficult to prove it because most of those drugs dissipate out of your system in a short time. GHB only last 12 hours. Since you don't remember much and if they can't find any evidence of a "date rape drug" bruising of an attack, etc this will never hold up in court, only if he has been arrested for it before, you may have a chance. At least report it so they have it on record. If there is a pattern of complaints, they will prosecute. Makes me so angry there are sick %^$#@ like this out there. You must be very frightened from this experience. I hope all women who read this take notice that you need to practice safety when out on the town drinking.

 

The mom talk: Me and the girlies have rules of conduct when we go out....we always stick together, tell one another if we are going somewhere and who with, always have someone watch the drinks at the table, if a drink is left unattended, we dump it and get a fresh one, never accept a drink from anyone unless it is served by staff, take someone from the group to the bathroom with you, never go alone, if someone feels dizzy/sick, we call it a night and get them home immediately, and if they are real sick we stay with them. The key thing here is that we stick together....safety in numbers.

[katrina1980]

Smackie haven't you been married for 25 years?

 

Not saying you can't go to clubs with friends when married but your post makes it sound like you're single.

 

If you're not married anymore, I'm sorry to hear that!

[ThatwasThen]

I shouldn't have drank like I did, especially with someone I didn't know.

That is true but even so, it DOES NOT give anyone the right to take advantage of you the way it appears this guy did. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

You give no accounting of what transpired when you woke up. Can you give us some details about how he acted, what was said, etc.

 

... and yes, please go to your local hospital and get yourself looked after.

[smackie9]

Smackie haven't you been married for 25 years?

 

Not saying you can't go to clubs with friends when married but your post makes it sound like you're single.

 

If you're not married anymore, I'm sorry to hear that!

 

I'm common law for 28 years and yes us older ladies will still go out to clubs dancing. Just because we are in our 50's doesn't mean we should be home knitting. We are a wild bunch, don't kid yourself.

[Mastodon]

So this all transpired a little more than a month ago.

How did you feel (physically) when you woke up?

Did you get sick (vomitting)? Did you feel groggy? Different from a hangover.

I guess I just was confused and felt almost like I was still buzzed.

You give no accounting of what transpired when you woke up. Can you give us some details about how he acted, what was said, etc.

 

When I woke up he was laying next to me kind of joking about how long I'd been asleep for, he said he'd tried to wake me up earlier but couldn't. Then he was trying to orient me since I didn't have a clue where I was. He acted dare I say, "gentlemanly" as I was leaving, helped me into my jacket and into the car. Said he would call me. We ended up talking just about every day over the next few weeks. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so I just figured we were drunk and made a mistake. Then I found out he gave me an STI. I told him, and he claimed he had no idea but he was glad that I'd let him know. After that conversation I never heard from him again... which is probably for the best.

[Wiseman2]

When did you have an exam and find this out? Did you tell the doctor you may have been raped and were a virgin prior to that? You did the right thing informing him. Sorry he took off after that and this whole episode happened.

We ended up talking just about every day over the next few weeks. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so I just figured we were drunk and made a mistake. Then I found out he gave me an STI. I told him, and he claimed he had no idea but he was glad that I'd let him know. After that conversation I never heard from him again.

[Mastodon]

When did you have an exam and find this out? Did you tell the doctor you may have been raped and were a virgin prior to that? You did the right thing informing him. Sorry he took off after that and this whole episode happened.

 

I didn't want to toss a serious allegation like that around because I don't remember what happened. Told the doctor that was the only time I'd had sex and got a nice sucks to be you talk.

[Jibralta]

So this all transpired a little more than a month ago.

 

I guess I just was confused and felt almost like I was still buzzed.

 

When I woke up he was laying next to me kind of joking about how long I'd been asleep for, he said he'd tried to wake me up earlier but couldn't. Then he was trying to orient me since I didn't have a clue where I was. He acted dare I say, "gentlemanly" as I was leaving, helped me into my jacket and into the car. Said he would call me. We ended up talking just about every day over the next few weeks. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so I just figured we were drunk and made a mistake. Then I found out he gave me an STI. I told him, and he claimed he had no idea but he was glad that I'd let him know. After that conversation I never heard from him again... which is probably for the best.

 

Well, it could have been rape. However, I don't think there's much you can do about it legally at this point. Non-reporting is common, especially in circumstances like yours, where your memory is so fuzzy. Sometimes, a woman keeps it to herself, thinking it's a misunderstanding, or because she doesn't remember clearly. Then she finds out down the road that other women have had similar 'misunderstandings' with the same guy and joins that case. If you found yourself in that situation, and you are so inclined, you might have a chance to at least give testimony.

 

The more important thing is that you cope with what happened in an effective way.

 

The fact that he was all gentlemanly afterwards doesn't mean he's innocent. Could just be him trying to save his own ass. Damage control. And ugghh about the STI.... sounds like a dirty dude. Yeah, probably best that you never hear from him again.

[Mastodon]

Well, it could have been rape. However, I don't think there's much you can do about it legally at this point. Non-reporting is common, especially in circumstances like yours, where your memory is so fuzzy. Sometimes, a woman keeps it to herself, thinking it's a misunderstanding, or because she doesn't remember clearly. Then she finds out down the road that other women have had similar 'misunderstandings' with the same guy and joins that case. If you found yourself in that situation, and you are so inclined, you might have a chance to at least give testimony.

 

The more important thing is that you cope with what happened in an effective way.

 

The fact that he was all gentlemanly afterwards doesn't mean he's innocent. Could just be him trying to save his own ass. Damage control. And ugghh about the STI.... sounds like a dirty dude. Yeah, probably best that you never hear from him again.

 

I don't want to go about pressing charges. I just remember when the doctor asked if it was consentual I just shrugged and said yes, but I was drunk and don't remember anything. She didn't try to convince me otherwise.

I feel guilty/ashamed because I got to that level of intoxication. I am so confused as to why I just looked away and LET it happen. I don't know where my words were or why I didn't fight like hell.

[Jibralta]

I feel guilty/ashamed because I got to that level of intoxication. I am so confused as to why I just looked away and LET it happen. I don't know where my words were or why I didn't fight like hell.

 

I completely understand.