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Dealing with stonewalling


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Hi all,

 

I have a history of psychosis, and I was in work last year and started to feel like people were deceiving me and I went totally crazy and had to quit. I ended up at my brother's, but we've never really been that close, but he ended up letting me stay at his house for a while. My brother was openly supportive but then I found out that behind my back he had told people that I quit because I couldn't handle a bit of teasing. (I understand you might doubt this since i have psychosis, but I am 100% sure of this and saw it in writing). If teasing means you need 4mg of risperidone then I must be a really weak waste of space right? (No, I'm not). I finally get back on my feet and go a few cities away for some space.

 

So then six months later my brother comes to me and he's freaking out because his partner is sure he's having an affair, and I spend the whole weekend talking to him, and it seems like they need relationship counselling, which they end up going to for one session. But then he stops going and she starts going on her own because she has some "issues".

 

Then the following month we go out for drinks, and he drunkenly tells me that he is actually having an affair. He instantly regrets it, but the cat's out of the bag. Then I don't hear from him for months, and I ask if I can go see them, and he kind of avoids it. So then I try to get on with my life. Then suddenly he wins some money and sends me 8 grand. Which was kind of him. We don't really stay in touch much. Then another few months go by, and I decide to try to sort out a lot of stuff that I left in storage, and I ask if I can stay at his place for a little while to go through it, and I get the impression he thinks I want to move my stuff into his house, but don't want to ask, which wasn't true. Providence seemed to get in the way here and my flight to go visit him was cancelled, so I changed my plan and went to the storage place secretly and just sorted out all the stuff by myself, which felt really good.

 

Meanwhile it's constantly brewing in the back of my head that my brother has deceived his partner to the point where she needs mental health care. And he's paying for it! And I have been examining how I feel I have suffered from psychological manipulation in the past, and am having therapy to go through it. And its been a real breakthrough.

 

I realised I needed a lot of space from my brother. I stupidly tried to talk about the abuse I felt I had suffered from other family members, and he said "as long as they're not hurting me and mine, I don't have a problem with them".

 

A few months later I decided I would like to get the suitcase from my brother so that I can be square away and not feel like I'm depending on him. So I called him and he told me that he had been very sick and was even worried that maybe he had cancer, but later said that it wasn't cancer. I felt very confused, like I have to have sympathy for him now??? Whenever we speak he wants to know "how I'm holding up", and apparently concerned about my wellbeing, but as I mentioned above that seems to be completely out of line with his private opinion. I asked to know what's in the suitcase so that I can get it shipped here. And he said he'd tell me the next day. One week went by and no response. I contacted him again. Again two weeks went by and he didn't do anything. Then I called him and asked him what was going on. He said he was very busy and frustrated, but not sick, and that he would tell me the next day for sure. That was two weeks ago. Again nothing. It's completely out of character.

 

At first I thought he was just playing head games. Then I started to wonder if he is just overwhelmed and I've just selfishly demanded something from him one too many times and he's had enough of it. Then I remembered that I only want the suitcase because I want to get away from him. I have asked him several times if he's ok, and I suspect that if I get angry or attempt to be more forceful, he will twist it around so that I seem unreasonable. The more it goes on the more I realise this really reminds me of my father. And I'm sure I've stonewalled people too, though as a psychological defence. I thought maybe he is reacting to that, because I've been less forthcoming of late, less needy, less helpless.

 

I'm so confused, but you can see there are a few red flags here, and then a lot of mitigating circumstances. I don't even really care about the content of the suitcase. It feels wrong to have it just hanging in the air like this, but I suspect contacting him will lead to more convolution not less. I'm writing this because the last year has been the best year of my adult life in terms of insight and opening up, and then this last month or so has just been the pits of confusion.

 

Please ask me anything. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't deserve this and I don't know how to resolve it.

Edited by grimwald
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Grim, you solve it my not reading so much into him, or people.

 

Just take people as they come.

Get on with your life, and stop analyzing everything.

 

Call your brother to go golfing, fishing, movies, hiking etc.

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I don't really want anything to do with him to be honest. But I accept the point about not overanalysing.

 

If I could stop over analysing and get on with my life, I wouldn't be writing a post here. I tried to work this morning on some things and it's like someone has crushed my brain.

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I don't really want anything to do with him to be honest. But I accept the point about not overanalysing.

 

If I could stop over analysing and get on with my life, I wouldn't be writing a post here. I tried to work this morning on some things and it's like someone has crushed my brain.

 

I'm sorry Grim, but I don't think your allowed to have multiple accounts here.

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Fair enough. I'm caught. It just feels so convoluted that I'm trying to separate out all the points, and shifting some of the details so that nobody I know will read this and know it's me and then use that information to humiliate me (which I'm really afraid of).

 

I apologise for the deception.

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No problem, but rules are rules.

Contact the Administrator immediately and plead your case.

 

Maybe you can keep one of them?

 

Good luck and don't worry about humiliation. It's sometimes the best way to quickly learn.

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I think you are overthinking/obsessing. You are putting so much energy into things that are not very important - the cheating being the exception.

 

If he bothers you so much, then cut contact.

 

I suggest you consider volunteering. Put your thoughts and energy onto others.

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