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Can't communicate, can't get away


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No not the people in my work. Family and friends who are either miles away or online. I minimise contact. I am not physically trapped. I am not in a cult or commune. But even the slightest interaction with them can lead to me just completely falling apart for days or weeks even, obsessing. I guess when I said I am happy and confident in my beliefs, that doesn't match how I actually act with them. It's harder to get away from people in 2018 than you might think. But if I attempt to properly break contact I think they will become more aggressive and I can't cope with that at the moment. Catch 22. Sorry for the vagueness, but perhaps you don't quite relate to how stressful and worrying it can feel to expose oneself.

 

I can absolutely relate as I have certain things I stay anonymous about to the general public... on here though it’s pretty anonymous and at times I have found it therapeutic to just be completely honest.

 

I think as others have said... you aren’t as comfortable with your decision as you think you are or you wouldn’t care what others think. My daughter used to get very upset with me for judging her for dropping out of school to go and work... and granted while she wasn’t wrong that I felt disappointed by her decision, she had to own her part in it which was that she wasn’t confident in her decision and was blaming me for her insecurities.

 

Also... as others have said, you can disconnect from social media and block them so they can’t bother you.

 

In the end, it’s your choice to set boundaries and decide how much input you want them to have in your life.

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Consider yourself lucky if you were raised in such a family! I'm glad you were!You are right, the only person we have to prove anything to is ourselves, but when you grow up in a family that basically never accepts you, never really loves you unconditionally, yet tells you they do, you turn into a very confused adult that is still seeking their approval. It takes time and a lot of soul searching to first realise and than act on the fact that you only need to prove yourself to you.

 

You do realize that you are choosing not to believe them and you are the one who is convincing yourself that you need to seek approval where you won't get it or maybe you do get it just not in ways that you want or really understand. Instead of trying to prove yourself, if you change your perspective and accept your fam as the people they are - flawed, critical, religious, whatever, then perhaps it will help you realize there is nothing to prove there. You love them because you are related, although you may not like them as people. Realize also that same applies to you. They do love you, maybe not in the way that you want and certainly not expressing themselves in the way you wish, but can you be big enough to just accept them as they are?

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You do realize that you are choosing not to believe them and you are the one who is convincing yourself that you need to seek approval where you won't get it or maybe you do get it just not in ways that you want or really understand. Instead of trying to prove yourself, if you change your perspective and accept your fam as the people they are - flawed, critical, religious, whatever, then perhaps it will help you realize there is nothing to prove there. You love them because you are related, although you may not like them as people. Realize also that same applies to you. They do love you, maybe not in the way that you want and certainly not expressing themselves in the way you wish, but can you be big enough to just accept them as they are?

 

You are absolutely right. Consciously, I've stopped looking for their approval, subconsciously, is another story. My childhood has left so many scars that whatever rock I tun over with my therapist now, I find myself longing for acceptance.I didn't even know I was. I do know now that they love me unconditionally, as even now that I too am considered "lost" by them, they will still do whatever it takes to help me in matters that they even are against. Ok maybe not, but still you get the picture. They won't indeed help me the way I want, but I see the love. It still hurts and it's still lacking compared to the fulfillment that acceptance might have given me, but it's all I got I guess, so it's enough.

 

It's funny, because I have accepted them as they are; I know that religion is a big part of their lives and I even participate in religious ceremonies when I'm with them, because they can't handle the fact that I'm not religious. If doing these activities make them happy,why not? Mind you, I don't go to church each and every time I'm with them, but I don't shove my beliefs in their faces. They do though and the majority of the times, especially with my mother,I manage to nod and smile. I can't be exactly what she wants me to be and act the way she wants me to, we're talking about a hard-core religious person. If only a couple of visits to a church would make her believe I'm a believer, but for her, either I should've gotten married by now or entered a monastery. Seriously. Still, I have to give her that, she may be bad mouthing me, but she's there for me. So unconditional love, yes, acceptance, no. But I'm learning to be ok with that as I'm happy with my life and choices, it's just a shame that I can't share it with them the way I want to. And you're right, they definitely feel the same. They think I'm actually miserable with my life choices, so I'm betting that hurts them too. It's sad, but it's the way it is. I hope something changes in the future, at least with my brother, that's what's hurting me the most.

 

Thank you for your comments, you gave me a different perspective.

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I keep getting "reputation comments" but then I can't figure out how to access them. Can someone tell me ?

 

Click on your name on the top right, on the page that will load you'll find them on the fourth tab. "My activity, about me, friends, reputation"

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But if I attempt to properly break contact I think they will become more aggressive and I can't cope with that at the moment. .

 

You know what? You can't control what people are going to choose to think or believe---and that's on them and what they think is really none of your business, you know?

 

What you can control is their access to your person and any audience you give them.

 

Let them think whatever it is they want---blocking really is an effective measure to keep that rot out of your life. That's what I do. My own mother is on block because she can't behave herself on my facebook wall and I won't let her follow me on IG, so she doesn't get any information from me unless I call her and tell her. She's had more people drag her for filth on Facebook because she spews really judgmental crap at strangers.

 

Some food for thought: my mom has had health issues for the past 8 years. When she had her heart attack and triple bypass surgery, my brother, who is also saved and of her religion, didn't fly out, didn't call and really, didn't act like he cared. It was my sister and I, neither of us are in their religion, who took off work and were there by her side and my sister more so because mom lived with her at the time. Now, mom is in the midwest in the same city my brother lives in and she recently went through a serious health scare--I flew in from the east coast, my sister flew in from the west coast and we attempted to have a meeting with our saved brother about how to move forward with mom's needs. He wanted no part of it and didn't understand why neither my sister nor I would quit our jobs to move home to take care of her. And he really got belligerent about it. So I find it odd that the children my mother has to count on are the ones who aren't saved; but let the two of them tell it and my sister and I are destined to roast for eternity because we won't join their religion.

Edited by Minikimini
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Family and friends who are either miles away or online.

 

This would mean that you're reacting to your own interactions.

 

Using discretion in what you tell people and how you respond to them is part of maturity. If you open-book your life, you're now aware of the consequences. So learn from that, and choose the people in whom you will confide carefully while sending optimistic and positive messages to those who will otherwise react to complaints in ways that you don't like.

 

You're a creative. Apply what you know professionally about crafting messages to target audiences to your personal life with family. Consider that less as hiding your true self and more about presenting aspects of your true self that won't evoke the kind of responses you'd rather not deal with. Make it about being responsible for the impacts YOU want to have on others, and then everyone wins.

 

The reason people choose adult friendships or hire therapists or speak with clergy of their own choosing is to confide the stuff that loved ones are not responsible for managing. Part of adulthood is learning how to manage our own stuff or to share it appropriately with those who have earned our trust over time. Whenever your confidences prompt a reaction that is not appropriate, you've learned how to not repeat that error.

 

If every time you press button A and B pops up, and you hate B, then stop pressing button A.

 

Head high.

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