Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have been in a happy relationship/marriage for 5 years. We have a wonderful daughter and a great life.

 

However my wife has openly said she isn’t interested in sex and wouldn’t be bothered if we never had it again. We had a very regular sex life that has stopped recently. She says she only ever had it because I wanted it. We are both 26.

 

How can we move on from this? Am I expected to stay in a sexless marriage? Any advice is welcome

Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m not sure she just clams up after that.

My daughter is nearly a year old.

I would say she did enjoy it and something has happened recently to change her mind but we are happy in every other way and nothing negative has happened between us

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, obviously asking you never to have sex again for the rest of your life - when you are only 26 - is a completely unreasonable request.

 

I’m not saying you should be forcing or pressuring her to have sex... but I AM saying that she needs to understand that this expectation is unreasonable and untenable.

 

Marriage councilling, therapy of some kind (if she has trauma issues or something), seeing a doctor (if it’s a low libido) or divorce are really the only options.

 

I think you should ask her what SHE thinks you both should do about it, because clearly her plan is unreasonable and unacceptable.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I know what you mean. She absolutely will not see any councillor of any form. That’s been made quite clear in the past. I think the same would go on this issue with a doctor aswell. I don’t think I’ve got much choice in the matter really. I’m not a person to give up so divorce is a long way off.

 

I have asked her what she thinks and she goes all shy, clams up, gets scared I guess.

 

She says she wants sex then when it actually starts she gets really scared and defensive.

 

Thanks for your advice

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah I know what you mean. She absolutely will not see any councillor of any form. That’s been made quite clear in the past. I think the same would go on this issue with a doctor aswell. I don’t think I’ve got much choice in the matter really. I’m not a person to give up so divorce is a long way off.

 

I have asked her what she thinks and she goes all shy, clams up, gets scared I guess.

She says she wants sex then when it actually starts she gets really scared and defensive.

Thanks for your advice

 

What's her self-esteem like?

How's she feeling about her body?

Do you still find her attractive?

Any reason she might feel like you don't?

Never any arguments in the past about sex?

Where's the defensiveness coming from (i.e. what's the context...what does she say)?

 

My first vibe reading this last post was that there's something she hasn't liked (maybe for a long time), and instead of communicating that to you, she's just shutting down and avoiding it entirely. Did she ever express concerns before? Maybe things that went unheard...or misunderstood by you?

 

Just some thoughts...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say her self esteem is up and down and always has been. I mean our daughter is only young so she could have issues with her body but she’s mega into fitness and any weight she did gain disappeared in weeks and she was back to her self again. I am always complementary and thoughtful like I said we have a fantastic life otherwise.

 

Yes she’s definitely knows I find her attractive.

We have argued about it in the past. There is a mismatch there but we have always been able to work through it in the past.

 

She really doesn’t say much. It’s like a complete shut down, lots of don’t knows and I’m tired. I can’t get her to open up at all. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are not happy in this relationship; stop lying to yourself.

 

At least a small amount of sex is necessary for you.

 

She does not take your needs seriously because you only have expressed them in words, not action. Start sleeping in another room.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So... she basically pretended to enjoy something she knew was an important component in a relationship just to snag a husband and reproduce. That's what I'm reading anyway...

 

I think it's highly unfair for her to suggest that you guys never have sex again knowing that is a need you have in the relationship. If sex is important to you, then you should tell her that you respect yourself more than to live like that the rest of your life. You're a married couple for goodness sake...

Link to post
Share on other sites
You are not happy in this relationship; stop lying to yourself.

 

At least a small amount of sex is necessary for you.

 

She does not take your needs seriously because you only have expressed them in words, not action. Start sleeping in another room.

 

I probably would advise against this ^^^ if your intention is to stay married.

 

I think it's more common that not to have your libido drop after having a baby and chasing a one year old around all day.

You no longer see yourself as a sexual being but more of a nurse and domestic engineer. For most it takes time to adjust. After pushing a human cannonball out of your cookie, it's hard to readjust into seeing yourself and those same body parts sexual again. It just takes time.

 

I remember feeling this way to some degree. Being a new mother is an incredibly self less job and very demanding.

You put your own needs aside and for the most part cannot say no to a baby. But you can so no to your spouse. Not saying it's ok. But it's pretty typical. You feel so depleted, there isn't much left of you and having sex just feels like one more demand at a time that you feel entirely tapped out. Add in the fact that your hormones take time to adjust and sometimes never return to what they were pre-baby.

 

That's the bad news.

 

The good news here is you are not alone and most couples go through something similar and come out the other side with a little understanding, compassion and patience just fine

In the meantime, is she getting out on her own? Does she work outside the home? Is she getting enough sleep and personal time?

Do you two date each other like you did when you first became a couple? Has she had a check up and had her hormones checked?

How much are you contributing and are you patient and understanding?

She says she wants sex then when it actually starts she gets really scared and defensive. That comment is very telling. It seems there is something else going on here and demanding sex from someone who seems to want it but hesitates for some reason, calls for some compassion, not punishment.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like she's just not ready right now. I kind of understand. I mean she did have a baby not too long ago. Perhaps you make her feel sexy enough but actions and ease into it like if you were dating. Something this works. Also something could be off chemically within her. Never know until you get that checked. All I am saying is there many reasons why at this point and you need to be there for her but at the same time try to help her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Did she EVER seem to enjoy the sex pre-baby? Did she ever initiate sex pre-Marriage?

 

Having a baby changes everything as I'm sure you're aware. Is she depressed by any chance? If nothing changes by year 2 or 3 post-baby, then you will have some really tough decisions to make.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How much sleep is she getting? How much are you helping out with the new baby and around the house? Is she newly a stay at home mom? Do you still go out on dates? Hire a baby sitter? Get away for romantic weekends?

My daughter is nearly a year old. I would say she did enjoy it and something has happened recently to change her mind
Link to post
Share on other sites
How much sleep is she getting? How much are you helping out with the new baby and around the house? Is she newly a stay at home mom? Do you still go out on dates? Hire a baby sitter? Get away for romantic weekends?

 

Yes, I agree. And also, if you've been doing these things and helping out and she's still not interested, consider marriage counseling.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! Sorry to hear this is going on! I can remember back when my son was born, it seemed like things changed for awhile. She struggled with similar things and it did bring up tension in our relationship. I come to realize that my wifes hormones were still kinda crazy and for quite a while after the pregnancy. Hang in there and I will be praying for the both of you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...