Tumultuous Relationship

[Ru3y716]

This is my first time seeking help on an online forum because I've been feeling pretty alone in dealing with my relationship issues. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and we have recently moved into a new condo together that he bought. Since the move we have been having more conflicts. Recently, about two weeks ago he got annoyed at me and threw something on the floor in an outburst. I had no idea where it stemmed from and it escalated to a full-on argument, then I reacted to his throwing of objects and threw a cutting board at him. He continued to provoke me and dared me to throw more things. Eventually he got too close to me and pushed me physically, in turn I grabbed a pair of scissors to make him stay back. He wouldn't and continued coming closer to me in which I reacted and cut him 4 times. After it became physical, we finally both calmed down and distanced ourselves. I ended up sleeping downstairs away from him and avoided speaking to him for the rest of the night. The following day I took the day off work to seek counseling services at my local YMCA. We have always fought but this case was serious since it escalated to physical abuse so I knew I needed help. I know for a fact that I reacted defensively and I knew I had to protect myself in case he wanted to play victim. Since then I have signed up for 16 weeks of domestic abuse support group. We have talked about what happened and have agreed that the behavior was not okay and should never happen again. I'm doing my part in seeking help but since then he has not done anything to seek counseling or therapy. I'm not sure if its healthy for either of us to continue this relationship or if there is anything worth salvaging or if things can even be salvaged when things get this bad in a relationship.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Unfortunately this is not something that you can come back from and it’s not something that should continue. You are doing the right thing by going to a support group. But I would try and ends things before it happens again. It’s tough to get out of a situation like this. It’s tough to get out of a relationship of two years. And it’s really tough when you’ve moved in together. But somehow garner the strength to do what you can to get out of the relationship.

[singingstick]

I'm sorry this has happened. This definitely seems like a situation that has gotten way out of hand. I think some time apart at least would be a good idea until you guys can safely agree it wont happen again.

[glitterfingers]

You need to get out right away. Leave the condo, go stay with friends or family until you have somewhere else to live

 

Even in the very rare and unlikely case that you both got counselling and put this behind you individually, the damage to your relationship has been done. That wound cannot be healed into a healthy relationship, the way it should be without ever having transgressed those boundaries of physical and emotional safety. And because of that, it is likely that some other forms of abuse will arise and continue - be it financial, psychological, verbal or emotional. And these can be much harder to separate and recover from.

 

I would not try and fix this. You are only going to hurt and confuse yourself more in the long run

[Ru3y716]

Because I know we both love each other and care for each other, we have been living the last two weeks trying to recover from the incident. I have been doing my part, but I want to know if there's any chance that things can go back to being healthy again. As of now I am more emotionally affected by the incident then he is.

[DanZee]

Wow. Your verbal arguing has escalated to physical abuse. I would have been concerned when you said "We have always fought." What are you fighting about? If you have a nice, loving and compatible relationship, there shouldn't be any fights at all. If your boyfriend starts these fights over nothing important, then he's been emotionally abusive and now he's escalated into physical abuse. And you got carried away as well, which means he knows how to push your buttons.

 

Arguments are about control and manipulation, trying to make one partner do something they don't like. The point of the arguments are to knock down the other partner's self-esteem and confidence. Eventually, they will just agree to everything asked of them. Physical abuse just rockets that to an extreme level where the one partner now fears physical harm from the other.

 

I would say the relationship is immediately over. Move out. Move back home or move in with a friend. This relationship has been toxic and now it's turned nuclear. Get out.

[DanZee]

Because I know we both love each other and care for each other, we have been living the last two weeks trying to recover from the incident. I have been doing my part, but I want to know if there's any chance that things can go back to being healthy again. As of now I am more emotionally affected by the incident then he is.

 

How do you know you both love each other? This sounds more like an emotional dependency, not love. People in love don't do this. People in love don't hurt each other.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Because I know we both love each other and care for each other, we have been living the last two weeks trying to recover from the incident. I have been doing my part, but I want to know if there's any chance that things can go back to being healthy again. As of now I am more emotionally affected by the incident then he is.

 

If you are getting physical with each other then that’s not loving each other.

 

And when you say that he is less emotionally affected by the incident than you are, that speaks volumes.

 

Even if you both apologize and promise to never let it happen again, it already happened and unfortunately there’s nowhere else to go from here. And I hate to say it but most likely it will happen again if you stay together

[maew]

Because I know we both love each other and care for each other, we have been living the last two weeks trying to recover from the incident. I have been doing my part, but I want to know if there's any chance that things can go back to being healthy again. As of now I am more emotionally affected by the incident then he is.

 

There is no going back to what it was... this isn't something that can just be swept under the rug... however, you can look at this as an opportunity to identify your triggers and learn how to deal with them in a healthier way moving forward.

 

I've seen rare instances where couples recover from this sort of thing, but it takes a great deal of internal work from both people, a commitment to rebuilding trust, and to never handling arguments that way again. You need to decide whether this person is worth the effort... and if he is not willing to do his part the relationship will never recover from this.

 

The unfortunate reality in these situations is that once the boundary is crossed, it makes it that much easier to cross the next time.

[j.man]

To recap, he throws something on the ground, then you start throwing things at him, including a cutting board. He pushes you. You stab him four times with scissors. You say-- and I believe you-- as an act of self-defense, but you'd just thrown other items at him, and he'd be within his rights not to assume those wouldn't be the next to fly his way. There was a point you might have been able to call yourself an emotional abuse victim with him throwing the item on the ground. But it was you who in fact started the physical altercation. And, from the sound of it, ended up the victor in terms of damage inflicted.

 

That's not me saying the guy's not an ***hole. I'm not about to call him the victim instead. I've always encouraged people to get out of a relationship wherein a partner to impulsive and physically aggressive acts, even if it's punching a wall or throwing a glass on the floor, and I do so precisely because the next step could and likely would be what ironically ended up with you doing-- putting their partner in their sights with such actions. It's out of respect to women who have had to raise a pair of scissors to a man out of a pure self-defense as he commits or threatens nonreciprocal violence that I'd encourage you to see this toxic relationship for what it is rather than a hapless victim-abuser situation.

 

You admit you two have "always fought" and evidently the assumption was it wouldn't ever escalate into the physical realm, whether for his part or yours. That's not a mistake you should repeat-- and certainly not with the same man. I'm sorry, but the standard for just how far things can go has been demonstrably set, regardless of how confident you are it won't repeat, and the only solution to pursue now is one without him in picture. I'm glad you're pursuing therapy, and I wish you the best with it. Given that you've just recently moved into his condo, do you have other feasible options on places to live right now?

[Ru3y716]

I do have a place to stay and as of now I don't feel that the situation is unsafe for me to cut ties and move on immediately. There's still a lot I want to reassess. Although, I don't know how to build an environment of trust anymore and it does sound like more work and effort than it's worth. I know exactly how toxic this relationship has become so I took initiative to seek professional help. I just want to know if there's hope that we can overcome this situation if we both decide to work on improving and want to stay together.

[Ru3y716]

Yeah I don't know for certain that situations like this won't ever happen again. Although, we both recognize that it is completely unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated again. I'm just not sure how to rebuild trust and if its best to seek professional help for things like this.

[boltnrun]

Has he indicated AT ALL that he intends to seek professional help?

 

Otherwise, all the speculation in the world about whether or not you two can "overcome" this situation or "rebuild trust" (from where? was there ever trust with all the fighting??) is irrelevant if he has not acknowledged his part in the toxicity and is not willingly and actively seeking professional help on an ONGOING basis, not just one visit or Google search.

[MissCanuck]

If he has made zero steps to address his own aggressive behaviour, it is likely to happen again.

 

"Agreeing" that it won't is malarkey. You have been doing what you need to do in terms of counselling and support. He hasn't. That says a lot and none of it is good.

 

As the others have said, your relationship won't ever truly return to the way it was. This is a major turning point that neither of you will forget. I personally would not stay, especially since he's not bothered to take any accountability here. That is your warning sign for the future.

[Minikimini]

n he has not done anything to seek counseling or therapy. I

 

This is your loud, blaring cue to pack up your stuff and move back on your own and end this relationship. He is not serious about his part in the escalation of things.

 

Also, fighting all the time is not healthy. Discussing differences and coming to a compromise is what you two should be striving for, not these knock down drag outs.

 

I think that you've been ignoring warning signs for way too long and now that you're at his mercy for a place to lay your head at night, he seems to feel that he can act any old way with you and he doesn't have to check himself on his rotten behavior.

 

Stay with him at your own peril.