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Getting married in 60 days, huge fight a week ago and how it's being handled


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ENA,

 

I'm really in need of advice. I don't know what to do. I'll try to keep it as short as possible but it's going to be long.

 

A week ago, me (34F) and my fiancé (35M) of seven years got into a huge argument.

 

I am a firm believer in prenups (we literally discussed this from our first date) and my attorney finished our prenup in mid-February, which I immediately forwarded on to him to send to his attorney. He first sent it to a local attorney who "never responded", then sent it to another attorney in our home state (across the country), and then this attorney allegedly took 3 weeks to let him know he couldn't help him, and to send it to a local attorney. He finally talked to a local attorney earlier this week, three months after I got it to him. Because it's taken months already and we're due to marry in 60 days, I told my fiance that he has to get this done within 4 weeks or we will have a serious problem. My fiancé runs his own business and has been neglecting basically everything but his business. He could have done this in the wintertime when his business was slow, but never did. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't done any wedding planning at all until the prenup was completely done, but I wanted to marry this year so I could add him to our health insurance.

 

Getting married this year for health insurance ended up being a moot point. I got laid off from my job of 10+ years at the end of February. I had been the breadwinner and I guess this loss hit me harder than I realized. I started struggling with depression. Wedding was already booked and several thousand dollars of deposits were already done so we could not postpone. My company gave me a decent severance and I have plenty of savings, so I decided to hold off on looking for a job until after the wedding. Wedding is across the country in our home state and I have to fly back and forth several times, etc.

 

Anyways, during this time I began smoking pot, usually once a day after 9:30pm, but occasionally (about 2x/week) would smoke during the daytime on those days I had finished all of my chores. I will admit during this time, I haven't terminated our housecleaners that come in every other weekend to do a thorough cleaning. I figured that if I fire them and then get a job, my family (fiance and son) will again expect me to do all the cleaning plus working full time, which is why I hired them in the first place. I also got a very good rate on the house cleaning and didn't want to fire them because it's unlikely they'll honor that rate again if I try to rehire them after I get a job. Financially, this is no problem. However, I do pick up the house, do laundry, grocery shopping, light cleaning, cooking, dishes, etc. - basically the day to day house maintenance stuff. My fiance also had financial issues and couldn't give me his share of the mortgage for April, so he was late on that. I covered it no problem and he just paid me for April (a month late) and May. I should add that I have consistently paid more into our joint household account than he does so the bills and groceries are always covered. I am frequently having to more of my own $ into the account because I know he doesn't have as much money as I do. He said that he needed to get some other job this past winter when his work slowed down, but never did, and never did a lot of the things around the house he said he would.

 

A few weeks back he brought up the pot smoking and I let him know I knew I was screwing up, and that when I ran out, that would be it and I wouldn't get any more. He was very sweet and supportive, told me he knows I'm going through a difficult time and that I'll get back on my feet. We actually smoked the last of it together a week ago, the night before this argument. He doesn't smoke more than once a week since it gives him hangovers. I have no intentions of getting any more for a long time.

 

Anyways, during this fight he started yelling at me and said I don't even do anything all day but sit around and smoke pot, I don't even clean the house, and he should tell my parents about the pot smoking. Basically insinuating I'm a do-nothing loser and he's now questioning the marriage. I think he was very angry that I finally put my foot down and said the prenup must be done in 4 weeks. I responded back that he needs to grow up and put his big boy pants on, I shouldn't have to nag him to do things, he doesn't respect or appreciate what I do for us, and made some jabs at him for having to pay his share because he's broke - his fault that he didn't find work this winter when his business slowed down, like he was supposed to. I told him at this rate I may not even show up on our wedding day. It was clearly a bad fight; screaming and yelling, the works.

 

I know this is probably childish of me but I haven't spoken to him in a week, or as little as possible. I avoid him, I can't even look at him. I'm beyond hurt, angry and disgusted. Meanwhile, I'm getting RSVPs back for our wedding, and it's supposed to be such a happy time, and I'm miserable. The things he said to me hurt me to the core. I don't even know if I feel the same way about him. I feel like he kicked me when I was already down.

 

Even worse, he is now doing what he always does: he acts like nothing happened. He went upstairs after the fight and apparently that was it for him. Over the last few days he has been trying to act cute, like popping his head in the doorway to see what I'm doing. He invited me and my son for dinner and I declined. He's suddenly redoing the kitchen pantry shelves, which he didn't bother doing all winter when work was slow. I think he does this stuff out of guilt. He never apologizes, and probably won't. I have no intentions of speaking to him unless and until he does. He comes into the room to watch TV with me, I get up and leave.

 

Please don't just tell me to cancel the wedding. I know for a fact many out of town guests have already booked flights and hotels. If this wasn't the case, I would have canceled the wedding already. The only thing I can think to do is to have our wedding and act as normal as possible, but I'm seriously considering coming back to our state and immediately filing for an annulment. It's not ideal but I don't know what else to do. I can't imagine marrying someone who never apologizes or even acknowledges what I do for him because his pride won't let him. Even at my worst, I still make sure our household is running smoothly, bills are paid, etc.

 

I am so sad and hurt and don't know what to do. I don't even know if I really want advice or just someone to talk to. I can't tell anyone what I'm going through.

Edited by Kalika
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If you want to file for an annulment I wouldn’t get married. It doesn’t matter if guests are from out of town and booked a hotel or flights getting married because they book the hotel and then later filling for annulment is just not logical . Because people have booked a hotel or flight is not a reason to get married .

 

I am sorry you are having these difficulties but don’t get married and then have to file for an annulment later just because people are expecting a wedding .

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I know it doesn't make any sense, but I don't want to ruin everyone else's day. I want them all to be happy and enjoying a nice party, not feel like they need to cheer me up all day or something...

 

But are they REALLY going to be happy when they find out later ? No. I would rather be at a wedding where people are actually happy to get married . And not think that it was just a sham later . Know what I mean?

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I gather this is the same man from your several previous threads, about how unhappy you are in the relationship?

 

I took a look through your posting history to get some context, and it seems you have not been a happy couple for quite some time. Before contributing further to this thread, I have to ask: do you really want to marry him?

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Honestly, I haven't gone through my old posts and don't know what/when the last post was, but we did break up for a year, during which time I dated other people and he didn't date anyone. We both missed each other a lot and ended up getting back together. I was skeptical about getting back together at first but after we did, our relationship was wonderful. It was like we had both realized how we had screwed up and we became softer and gentler with each other, and communication was better. He opened up to me in ways that he hadn't before. It was honestly better than it had ever been. We rarely ever fight now and we were both very excited to get married and become a family.

 

That's why this last fight hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like, the truth of how he really felt about me came pouring out. I'm having a hard time rationalizing that he was just mad and doesn't really feel this way. I think that's why I'm so heartbroken right now. I guess it wasn't that great when I thought it was.

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I see your point, but either way they're not going to be happy. So all else being equal, I'd rather just proceed and let everyone enjoy their day.

But really people can have dinner and dancing anytime . I think they would be more upset at having to spend all that money to find out that they only did it to have a meal and some dances . When I go to a wedding it’s not really about the dinner or the party . It is about a happy couple .

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So you were going to marry him to get him on your insurance and now you're going to marry him so people won't miss out on a party and won't have to cancel hotels and flights?

 

Where is the love? Seriously!

 

I would be royally pissed if I shelled out for flights, hotels, an outfit and a wedding gift only to find out the couple got an annulment right after. Doubly pissed if I found out they PLANNED to do this!!!

 

Cancel the wedding!

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Wait, so what started the actual fight? Could be off my reading game, but it reads like he brought up you not doing anything around the house as a dig during the actual argument itself rather than him starting an argument with that.

 

Also, are you two not in premarital counseling at all? This is something even perfectly healthy couples looking to get married should do, but pile on all the discrepancies in finances and labor, and it should have been as much of a no-brainer as the prenup was.

 

It's very hard from this post to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship. There's a lot you wrote that, at purely face value, he should be appreciative of. At the same time, nothing stands out as so wrong of him that I'd be comfortable offering an objective opinion as to who's "more wrong."

 

For instance, while I can understand you want the ease of mind with the prenup being all taken care of, you kinda shot yourself in the foot going ahead and booking the venue and formally planning without it being taken care of. That would have been a practical incentive for him to get it done. Now the practical incentive is to have it done by the time you're issued your marriage certificate and, at least tangibly, it's inconsequential whether it's done in 4 weeks or 6 weeks, leaving him to prioritize as he sees fit in the meantime. What I might have done is said something to the effect of, "Hey, this prenup really is crucial to me, and you know I won't get married without it. And while I can put faith in you getting it done in time for myself, I've got a lot of family and friends taking off work and spending money to come out, and I really owe it to them to make sure all the bricks are laid for this wedding to definitely happen. If everything's not laid out by [x many days out from the wedding], I can't in good conscience proceed with the wedding and I'll have to make some cancellations and give them enough time to recoup whatever costs they can." I mean, should the guy just do it because it's good practice to get something like that done sooner than later? Sure. But, generally speaking, you'll get better results when you qualify your "nagging" (going by your own usage of the word) beyond "I want this done by this time."

 

And I'll be completely honest. If I found out someone had planned to get their wedding annulled the next day and still had me spend my time and money just to come out, never mind whatever I might spend on a gift for the sham wedding, they'd be out of my life. Instant. Please don't go down that route.

 

I know you want him to grow up, and I'm not saying he doesn't have plenty of room to. But you've got a wedding 60 days out and you're giving this guy the silent treatment, planning on wasting other people's time and money for what you think would be their own best interests. Right now you've gotta take your own advice and put on those big girl pants. I won't say you've got to cancel, but at the absolute very, very, VERY least, you two really have to get into some premarital counseling or even just general couples counseling... like, yesterday.

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So you were going to marry him to get him on your insurance and now you're going to marry him so people won't miss out on a party and won't have to cancel hotels and flights?

 

Where is the love? Seriously!

 

I would be royally pissed if I shelled out for flights, hotels, an outfit and a wedding gift only to find out the couple got an annulment right after. Doubly pissed if I found out they PLANNED to do this!!!

 

Cancel the wedding!

 

I understand what you're saying completely, but it's easy for you to say that when you don't have thousands and thousands of dollars of your own money wrapped up in it, plus what everyone else has already spent on it that they won't be getting back. As I said before, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

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I understand what you're saying completely, but it's easy for you to say that when you don't have thousands and thousands of dollars of your own money wrapped up in it, plus what everyone else has already spent on it that they won't be getting back. As I said before, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

 

Spending even more money to not lose the money you (and others) have already spent makes zero sense.

 

Guests can cancel hotels with no penalty. And flights can be cancelled with the funds being reserved for future flights.

 

I think you will lose a lot of friends if you insist on going through with this "marriage followed by instant annulment" plan.

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You should be 100 percent confident in getting married. You're not. This is a major decision in your life. You don't play games with that. People "getting upset" that the plans being cancelled is not a good reason to go through with a wedding ceremony.

 

Life's not easy. People are survivors. If you family and friends care about you, they'll get over the cancelled plans.

 

You two don't argue constructively. Throwing jabs at each other only creates bitterness. I'd cancel the wedding for now, try to see if the events will work with you on booking for a year from now, and either get pre-marital counseling to learn on communicating better, or break up.

 

If you can't get your deposit back, it's a financial loss that's better than marrying when you shouldn't. If you break up and still have a venue booked, maybe you could use it for something else like a baby shower or a vow renewal for your parents or just a plain old party. Good luck.

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Wait, so what started the actual fight? Could be off my reading game, but it reads like he brought up you not doing anything around the house as a dig during the actual argument itself rather than him starting an argument with that.

 

Also, are you two not in premarital counseling at all? This is something even perfectly healthy couples looking to get married should do, but pile on all the discrepancies in finances and labor, and it should have been as much of a no-brainer as the prenup was.

 

It's very hard from this post to get a sense of the overall dynamic of your relationship. There's a lot you wrote that, at purely face value, he should be appreciative of. At the same time, nothing stands out as so wrong of him that I'd be comfortable offering an objective opinion as to who's "more wrong."

 

For instance, while I can understand you want the ease of mind with the prenup being all taken care of, you kinda shot yourself in the foot going ahead and booking the venue and formally planning without it being taken care of. That would have been a practical incentive for him to get it done. Now the practical incentive is to have it done by the time you're issued your marriage certificate and, at least tangibly, it's inconsequential whether it's done in 4 weeks or 6 weeks, leaving him to prioritize as he sees fit in the meantime. What I might have done is said something to the effect of, "Hey, this prenup really is crucial to me, and you know I won't get married without it. And while I can put faith in you getting it done in time for myself, I've got a lot of family and friends taking off work and spending money to come out, and I really owe it to them to make sure all the bricks are laid for this wedding to definitely happen. If everything's not laid out by [x many days out from the wedding], I can't in good conscience proceed with the wedding and I'll have to make some cancellations and give them enough time to recoup some of their costs. I mean, should the guy just do it because it's good practice to get something like that done sooner than later? Sure. But, generally speaking, you'll get better results when you qualify your "nagging" (going by your own usage of the word) beyond "I want this done by this time."

 

And I'll be completely honest. If I found out someone had planned to get their wedding annulled the next day and still had me spend my time and money just to come out, never mind whatever I might spend on a gift for a sham wedding, they'd be out of my life. Please don't go down that route.

 

I know you want him to grow up, and I'm not saying he doesn't have plenty of room to. But you've got a wedding 60 days out and you're giving this guy the silent treatment, planning on wasting other people's time and money for what you think would be their own best interests. Right now you've gotta take your own advice and put on those big girl pants. I won't say you've got to cancel, but you two really have to get into some premarital counseling or even just general couples counseling... like, yesterday.

 

I understand what you're saying JMan. Thanks for chiming in. I'll try to address all points:

 

Yes I definitely shot myself in the foot by planning this without the prenup. In my home state the weather is mostly terrible except summer, giving us a limited window to do this. My fiancé's job is somewhat dangerous and he's gone without health insurance forever, which is why we booked everything for this summer. Of course, had I known I was getting laid off anyways, we wouldn't have done this. I actually really wanted a much smaller and simpler wedding but my parents had a lot of people they wanted to invite and turned this wedding into a behemoth.

 

What started the fight was that he finally had a day off during the week, so while he was around, I decided to give him a list of the things he needed to do: tux, prenup, etc. I told him to call the attorney so they would finally stop playing phone tag, which he did. After their conversation, I told him he needs to push the attorney to get it done and not just say "he's working on it". The reason it needs to be done is that prenups can be thrown out if they are done last minute. It is one of the few reasons a prenup can be thrown out by a judge. That's why I didn't want it done last minute. He knows all this. I told him we have to get it done within 4 weeks otherwise I would have a serious decision to make. Honestly, I wasn't in a good mood that day and my tone probably could have been better. I was moody and irritable. He got angry and that's when the frustration and yelling started.

 

I like the way you worded the conversation. I guess I need to sit down and talk to him and let him know I am having serious thoughts about cancelling the wedding before it gets off the ground. I agree we should be doing premarital counseling, but honestly he doesn't really have time. He works all day, comes home at 6 and then sits there and does his office work for another 2 hours. I know it won't be easy for him to attend counseling but I think he would try if he knew how serious I was about ending our relationship once and for all.

 

I know I need to talk to him and I'm being childish. I'm just so hurt that I seriously want to cry whenever I even look at him. My heart is truly broken. That being said, I'm trying to be fair to him in this post and not paint him as the bad guy when I know I have ownership in this too.

 

I will give serious thought to cancelling the wedding ahead of time. I just feel awful at the money people have already spent, and obviously embarrassed.

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I understand what you are all saying about cancelling. I will reassess my position on this. I know it doesn't make sense to go through with a sham wedding. I just didn't want to ruin everyone's day or hurt everyone who has already put so much time, money and effort into this. It was never my intention to hurt anyone financially or in any other way.

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You’re acting like attending your wedding is a gift for your guests.

 

NO. A thousand times no. I would ALWAYS rather pay the $200 airfare cancellation fee than attend a wedding that’s a sham. Attending weddings is expensive. It’s selfish of you to pretend you’re doing your guests a favor.

 

Agreed you need couples counseling.

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You’re acting like attending your wedding is a gift for your guests.

NO. A thousand times no. I would ALWAYS rather pay the $200 airfare cancellation fee than attend a wedding that’s a sham. Attending weddings is expensive. It’s selfish of you to pretend you’re doing your guests a favor.

 

That's extremely unfair of you to say. I am absolutely trying to consider them. Other than you disagreeing with my methods, I think my care and concern for my guests is pretty apparent in my posts.

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You should be 100 percent confident in getting married. You're not. This is a major decision in your life. You don't play games with that. People "getting upset" that the plans being cancelled is not a good reason to go through with a wedding ceremony.

 

Life's not easy. People are survivors. If you family and friends care about you, they'll get over the cancelled plans.

 

You two don't argue constructively. Throwing jabs at each other only creates bitterness. I'd cancel the wedding for now, try to see if the events will work with you on booking for a year from now, and either get pre-marital counseling to learn on communicating better, or break up.

 

If you can't get your deposit back, it's a financial loss that's better than marrying when you shouldn't. If you break up and still have a venue booked, maybe you could use it for something else like a baby shower or a vow renewal for your parents or just a plain old party. Good luck.

 

Thank you for this. I know deep down that everyone will forgive me if I cancel. It just sucks to be the reason other people are in this predicament. Also - agree with everything else you said.

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Can you afford to reimburse your guests?

 

Honestly, I'm not really sure. I have people coming from all over the country - even Alaska - so I'm not even sure how much that would be. I probably could, but it might take years, considering I will also have lost over $15K already and I'm out of work until I can find a job (who knows how long that will take).

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You both need to stay acting as adults asap. Don't wait for him to talk to you, as you already know this won't happen... Lay it out on the table and do not get married because of the rsvps and deposits. You have much more to lose if you do get married, especially if there are unresolved quarrels and potential major compatibility issues.

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You both need to stay acting as adults asap. Don't wait for him to talk to you, as you already know this won't happen... Lay it out on the table and do not get married because of the rsvps and deposits. You have much more to lose if you do get married, especially if there are unresolved quarrels and potential major compatibility issues.

 

I actually had to take a deep breath at the thought of even talking to him.

 

I'll put my big girl pants on and I'll talk to him tonight. I'm just afraid it will devolve into another fight. Tomorrow's my birthday and I also don't want it ruined. I don't think I can take any more of this.

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If your guests cancel now they have a much greater chance of recouping any costs for flights, hotels, etc. Whereas if you waffle and dither, more time will go by and they have less chance of recouping anything at all.

 

Please don't make your guests (family and friends!) pay the price for your reluctance to lose face. You will come across as more concerned with their finances if you cancel now than if you make them pay for attending a farce wedding.

 

BTW, your concerns are superficial...concerned with "embarrassment", concerned with your birthday (of all things!) being "ruined"...these things are petty and unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

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If your guests cancel now they have a much greater chance of recouping any costs for flights, hotels, etc. Whereas if you waffle and dither, more time will go by and they have less chance of recouping anything at all.

 

Please don't make your guests (family and friends!) pay the price for your reluctance to lose face. You will come across as more concerned with their finances if you cancel now than if you make them pay for attending a farce wedding.

 

I understand and agree, you are right. I will talk to him tonight.

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Thank you so much for the advice so far, kind internet strangers. I know I am coming across some kind of way but I am going to be open minded to what you all are saying. I agree it's best to cancel asap if we cannot get this figured out. Truly, I'm not trying to be selfish and save face. I'm embarrassed for sure, but more just extremely distressed at what this would do to everyone, including my family who have been so kind to help me so much with this wedding. Even today, my father has emailed me repeatedly about his tux, I can tell he's so excited. It hurts so much to think I may hurt everyone else.

 

I'm going to go offline now and try to ready myself to talk to him calmly. I'm already crying so this might be a challenge... He's home now and doesn't seem to be busy so I'll talk to him now and update you all later.

 

If anyone else has anything to add, please do... I'll read it before I update. Thanks again.

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