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Need help with boyfriend dont know what to do


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Hi guys sorry to bother but kinda need help at the moment,

 

So we are together for over a year now at the start everything was good we got on well and we were super happy.I know he had depression problems in the past and kept that in mind.After few months his depression came back again but it got to the point where i feel helpless.

 

He cant keep a job which i totally understand becouse of his depression but the problem i have he does not want to get help.

I got him two jobs by myself made him cv becouse he asked me to once then he quit them all saying he cant do it.Which i took calmly caz again im trying to be understanding gf.But the problem now is as i mentioned he complains all the time that he has no life no money and no friends so i try to cheer him up all the time and even give him ideas he liked martial arts so i was like what u think about going to martial arts club most of his responses are negative towards everything.

 

I dont know what to do at this point if i dont help him or try to its the same if i give help its the same there are aloads of times when we text all good and he tells me that i act weird which i dont understand caz im having a normal converstation,

 

Today we had a pretty bad argument he said he feels worthless so i told him what i felt and that he is not and i love him .He went on about no friends no nothing so i asked him politely would he like to go counselling and that i could come with him the moment i said that he got pretty protective which i get with his depression but i asked why he doesnt want to get help he told me to F..off.This scenario has been going on for quiet a long time now and it got to the point where i feel depressed myself is it my fault that hes depressed am i doing something wrong ? i dont know what and how to deal and he keeps getting verbally abusive at me more and more.Like i tried to get him jobs wrote to his friends etc arranched meet ups for him i even spend my last money for us to have a good time once during the week caz he doesnt have job like am i doing enough like what is wrong ? and why is he constantly firing back up at me with everything like ur acting weird i bet u have someone etc :/ it really makes me depressed i never gave him a reason to think of those things :/ i dont know anything anymore but i have anxiety disorder and i was healthy all year and now its coming back to me and it feels like hell again it gets to the point where im constantly shaking from nerves caz i just dont know what to do and when i tell him that i feel stressed out etc he bursts out at me blaming me for everything.

 

I apologize for such a long post btw ,

Thanks

Edited by rosetrees1
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Women are nurturers by nature, sometimes being unfair to themselves in the process. Never date or be in a relationship with a person suffering from depression who isn't in treatment. As you can see, it's a life of being emotionally abused by a partner, because they are often defensive and paranoid over things that a mentally healthy person wouldn't bat an eye at.

 

And no matter a partner's mental state, never stay with someone who verbally abuses you, which he does.

 

Leave now. You don't owe him anything. You do however, owe yourself the best life possible, and that mean choosing someone who lifts you up instead of dragging you down.

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You can't save him. He doesn't want help. The only thing you can do is leave and find someone who is taking better care of themselves. It's not your job to get your partner to grow. That's his job. Your job is to take care of yourself. And choosing a partner who gets abusive when he's down is not doing that. He's unpleasant to be around, he isn't working on his situation and he doesn't appreciate your effort towards helping him. It's time to leave and find someone who is ready willing able to be in a healthy relationship... which means they can take care of themselves and not be miserable and take it out on you.

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Yeah, your boyfriend is emotionally abusive, just about a textbook example, and as you've already found out, it is ruining your mental health. You've done everything you can. It's obvious, he likes being depressed and he doesn't want to change. And right now, you're enabling him and hurting yourself. To save yourself you should break up with him. Tell him when he has a job and is either in counselling or on meds, then he can contact you again. Until then, see you later. There are nicer guys out there, and you don't need to stick with this loser.

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I think that mental health can be a confusing thing to think about and there is so much stigma around it still that sometimes it can be confusing.

 

Let’s imagine for a moment that - rather than a mental illness - he had a physical illness. Imagine that he had a big gaping wound on his arm.

 

If your bf had a big gaping wound on his arm and he was complaining about blood everywhere and not finding shirts that fit properly - I mean, sure - you can try to slap a bandaid on it and buy him new shirts - but that’s really not going to do much. And it would be silly to blame yourself because the bandaid wasn’t working. I mean... he needs to see a doctor to close the wound, right?

 

Similarly with depression - being unable to keep a job, being unable to make and keep friendships, being generally unable to take care of yourself - these are all symptoms of a biological problem. Sure, you can write up CVs and find him jobs and sign him up to meet ups - but these are all bandaids. They aren’t going to work for long. He needs to see a doctor. He needs to close the big gaping wound.

 

Needing to see a doctor for therapy or anti-depressants should be no more shameful than needing to see a doctor for blood pressure medication. They are both biological problems that have zero reflection on a person’s worth or value as a human being.

 

All that said, you can’t make him see a doctor if he doesn’t want to. You can’t do it for a gaping wound and you can’t do it for a mental illness. If he doesn’t want to go, that’s a problem. (To be fair, it’s a lot easier to convince someone with a gaping wound that a doctor is a good idea)

 

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. That probably means leaving him until he sorts himself out. He is not in a position to be a good partner while he is not taking care of himself. Unfortunately, sometimes people need to hit rock-bottom (losing more friends, family, support, etc) before they are motivated to help themselves.

 

Where is he living? With family? My advice would be to talk to his family about your concerns and then leave. Whoever is supporting him financially needs to make seeing a doctor a condition of his ongoing support.

 

Unfortunately, I feel like there is nothing you can probably do besides that... and the more you try to “help” him with bandaids, the longer he will tell himself that he doesn’t need help. Sometimes you need to be tough to be kind.

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yes he lives with his family they know the problem but they cant do anything too and trust me they have tried many times i actually told him that his job is to get help and whether he will or not to not text me until he gets help because im unable to sacrifice my mental health which is bad at the moment.I honestly think he knew what he was doing all along becouse the reply i got seemed like as in i know i hope u find happiness so seems like he choose to stay that way . its kinda heartbreaking to be going through something like this especially when u tried everything and loved the person but i suppose if i feel like im gonna have a heart attack from stress and worry its not good for me anyway im replying to one message but thanks for all the messages i really appreciate them sometimes life gets like this and u gotto just go with it even after u tried hundreds millions of times

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I agree with RedDress and Andrina's responses.

 

I'm going through something similar to you, and the advice I would give to you is to end the relationship. Nurturing him isn't going to help him - it'll only hurt his self esteem more, and make him feel worthless as a man, that you can do more for him then what he can do for you in return.

 

If you can't walk away then take a break. Be honest that you want and deserve a more positive life. He needs to get help and work on himself, and shouldn't be in a relationship if he can't maintain himself. To be honest, that is actually selfish to bring someone down with you. If he cares then he needs to at least try for your relationship.

 

I don't know what it's like to have mental illnesses, but if you're going to stay then perhaps do some research so you can understand his mood disorders more. But, if he doesn't want the help then it's better to let the love one go. Not everyone accepts the help, and not everyone can be helped.

 

Best of luck.

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Thank you for ur reply i tried everything and learned about depression as much as i can he himself told me that he never wanted to hurt me but he is incapable of getting help and loads of things that suggest he doesn't he said he doesnt want to end relationship yet he still doesnt want to get help i told him how i feel about it but he again ignores what i say like what i wrote he literally contradicts everything he says once its i never wanted to hurt u then its im incabale of getting help my brain is kinza frozen i also dealt with alot of trust isses becouse his exs years ago cheated on him it was constant assurance and proving myself all the time to him i thought he is gonna get over that with me but that kicked in few months ago and no matter if i spend all my time with him and try to show him its like the same never changes even when i told him now im sick of everything and want him to get help if not to not text me he still had the guts to tell me if theres someone else when im here writing on this forum asking for advice sometimes i feel like im gonna go crazy i swear

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Stop trying to be his therapist. He lives with his folks so he is not laying in a gutter somewhere if you leave him. this is not healthy for you. I suggest you read up on codependency for yourself also. You need to walk away, perhaps seek counseling yourself and eventually find a healthy man to date.

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I spent three long miserable years putting myself on the back burner while I tried to save my ex from his troubles. Yes I too have a serious mental illness but I know where my limits are with others. I have a lot of insight. Not too many folks especially those with depression have insight. If he did have insight he wouldn't be treating you so horrible!

 

It's hard because you can't fix him no matter how hard you try or pray. What you need to do now is walk. Do it for your own sanity! Do it to perserve your self esteem, to heal and take care of you. If you don't walk, you'll regret that you didn't earlier later on.

 

I'm still suffering almost four years later a sort of fall out if you will from trying to fix what can't be fixed. It's because I lost myself in the process. You can't carry somebody and do all the work!

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Women are nurturers by nature, sometimes being unfair to themselves in the process. Never date or be in a relationship with a person suffering from depression who isn't in treatment. As you can see, it's a life of being emotionally abused by a partner, because they are often defensive and paranoid over things that a mentally healthy person wouldn't bat an eye at.

 

And no matter a partner's mental state, never stay with someone who verbally abuses you, which he does.

 

Leave now. You don't owe him anything. You do however, owe yourself the best life possible, and that mean choosing someone who lifts you up instead of dragging you down.

 

I agree with this. Unless you are a trained therapist, this is above your pay grade, you are out of your league if you think you can help this guy who doesnt appear to want to be helped. You owe it to you too get out of this relationship now, as you cant fix him. He has to take the necessary steps to get help. You deserve a decent life with someone better.

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Based on what you're saying, your relationship will continue to be miserable unless you make a change. Remember, we can't change others, but we can change ourselves. You have the right to leave and get away from the negativity.

 

He is insecure; thinks you're too good for him; and doesn't have confidence in himself. You on the other hand want him to change but you can't expect that. The only way to know if things will work out is to leave him and see if he'll get the help. If he doesn't then you'd be doing yourself a favour, and if he does get help then it'd be doing you both a favour.

 

You should want a partner that helps compliments you. You don't need to be with a boy and be his mother. it is not your job to help solve his problems. He may have mental health issues besides depression and should get medical help. But the only way for it to work is if he wants the help.

 

Sometimes it takes us hitting rock bottom in order to grow and become wiser. Something to consider as well is if his family can't help him, then it's unlikely that you can as well.

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Sorry to hear this. Agree it's time to get out. Please don't allow him to hide being an abusive jerk behind the depressed thing.

i asked why he doesnt want to get help he told me to F..off. he keeps getting verbally abusive at me more and more
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