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Mom blames herself for me not having custody


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Back when I first went crazy she is why they begun taking over custody. I don't blame her because it's my own actions or lack thereof that resulted in my losing custody forever of my daughter. I don't really know how to explain to her that it's not her fault. I have tried already. Since I'm dealing with issues of visitation and my daughter not wanting to see my mother it's bringing back the yuck. I really think the parental liaison has given too much power to my daughter allowing her to decide not to see people in my family now after being possible brainwashed by his family for the last year. I'm getting frustrated with the process. I planned to go in and say I need to see her once a week or every other weekend. Because it's really stupid to get a half day on Saturday where she avoids my family. Mom is mostly upset because she has "no religion" and has turned her back on God. I know she needs intervention, I'm worried about her on a soul level. I can't hang out with her in a normal way, it's always having to be running around which is costly and well not how I like to do things. I'd rather be teaching her things and chilling at the house but because she doesn't want to see Grandma that's not an option. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I am frustrated with the person she is becoming and having little to no influence on correcting her behavior is getting to me.

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You said before it was your mother's fault because she was constantly harassing your daughter. Now you feel it isn't your mother's fault but the parental liaison's? And"his" family which I presume means her father's family?

 

Does she live primarily with her father?

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Yes she does, and I wasn't allowed to see her from age 14 to 15 for a year. Mom says that too relates to back than when she didn't feel I was safe to be around. That is the term they used that I wasn't safe and pulled my visitation.

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I think you should respect your daughters wishes and rights more. She is choosing not to see your mother for very valid reasons. If you want a good relationship with her respecting her autonomy is important. I wouldn't want to be around someone who harasses me about my religious choices.

 

You gave up a lot of your rights to effect the way she grows and changes. Now you have to spend your time getting to know her and letting her know she is still loved by you and welcome in your life. You are working on repairing her trust in you. Focus on what YOU need to do so she feels safe around you and enjoys your company. Don't waste your energy wishing you could change who she is becoming. Work on who you are becoming.

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Firstly, your daughter is the age where she can choose.

 

Secondly, dad is stable. You have paraded bad choices in men in and out of your daughter's life and had some form of mental breakdown where you lost visitation.

 

If your daughter chose to not see you at all, she could. Or it would only be supervised.

 

Instead of complaining that you only get her Sunday afternoons, i would make the most of them. You will only get more when you can prove to have some stability. Once you do, you might be able to have a say in "every other weekend" because she will want it also.

 

Your mother probably is vocal because she is worried about her granddaughter and doesn't want her to fall down the same path and its exacerbated by the fact that she never sees her. So she is just a bundle of getting things off her chest when she does see her. It could also be that your daughter is saying those things simply because she is not totally on board with spending time with you so wants to create obstacles. Or she just rather have you take her to movies and "treat" her. And you are blaming mom, not blaming yourself for losing your daughter.

 

There are lots of places you can go with your daughter besides sitting around at grandma's -- for now - go to the park, volunteer together, take her to visit cousins, go hiking together. And maybe have grandma meet you somewhere sometime to do something - just going to sit around the house is not something your daughter wants to do. But in a few weeks doing something all together might be good.

 

And maybe in a couple of weeks you WILL bring her over to the house.

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If you want to "correct" her behavior talk to the person who parents her - your ex -- and the other thing to do - is to lead by example. No more putting a man first and your daughter last. You teach your daughter life lessons by getting well - going to your psychiatric care, etc, and getting any job you can a few hours a week. You stay with mom until you are making enough income to live on your own and a little more and you no longer follow your urges to find any guy who will email you to move in with. That's how you show your daughter the right way to behave - by doing it yourself.

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It makes no sense for people who were considered by law to be unfit for daughter's interaction to believe that either of you have any right to impose judgment on daughter's upbringing or current wishes today.

 

You'll need to EARN your right to influence daughter in the future by respecting all boundaries she or her guardians have imposed. That means adopting gratitude for ANY permission to interact within those boundaries and demonstrating respect for daughter's limits.

 

I'd tell Mom that blaming herself isn't productive unless she intends to learn from the experience by recognizing that she has absolved her own right to impose any 'shoulds' on granddaughter. It's not an option. Should daughter ever wish to allow grandmother into her life again, your Mom will need to accept and respect you daughter's limits or otherwise render herself cut off forever.

 

Same is true for you. You don't have the platform or the clout to complain or make waves regarding daughter. You're still working on building solidity in your own life right now. I'd focus on that, and I'd operate graciously within the boundaries allowed to you for access to your daughter.

 

Head high, and move your focus onto performing your best within the limits afforded to you.

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OP, a couple weeks ago you were posting about how you wanted to move in with some man from the internet you had never met in person.

 

The court liaison knows you are not in a place to be teaching your daughter anything at this point. Your daughter is also old enough to know this. Staging an intervention for turning her back on God should be the least of your concerns right now.

 

Unless and until you are stable yourself, your daughter will most certainly keep her distance from both you and her grandmother. That is the healthiest option for her until you get yourself into a healthy place.

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Well I'm seeing her once a week now. Dinner one week, outing on Saturday the next week. I'm happy with this arrangement. She's opening up to seeing Grandma hasn't said she would yet but is talking nicer about her. I see her about half day on Saturday could see her a full day but being out an about a full day is hard. In the summer if I come up with something to do I'll stretch it out.

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I'm not sure why you have to spend any money doing activities just because she can't be at your mother's house. What about going to a free museum, walking around a park, doing a volunteer activity together, hanging out to chat at the local library? Why is a full day hard?

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Can you use part of your time with her on her side of town, driving her to her lessons or practices and doing what a mom who lived with their kid would normally do with them on the weekend? Does she play sports that she needs to be carted around to? Does she need to go get supplies for a project?

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