Is this an abusive relationship?

[sunflower10]

Hi there,

I'm looking for advice on abusive relationships please . I have been married for 8 years, have three children and am at the end of my tether.

I'm just exhausted.

I have itemised aspects of my relationship that are bothering me. Would love some advice. Can people change? Should say I have a full time job Mon-Fri. I basically work full time do everything in the home. How can I get my husband to have insight- there is no talking to him.

 

 

Never compliments me.

Slags my shoes asks me why I'm not wearing high heels instead of flats

If wearing a top he might say where did you get that top and I might say why do you like it.The response is usually interesting which means he doesn't...

Leaves all the children's activities to me to research and pay for

Life is about hotels , eating out

Does no domestic chores , shopping or cooking

Generally doesn't like my clothes and says I should shop in expensive stores

When he wants to go away for the weekend I have no say when he insists on getting a rate for a third night

Makes me have a drink and gets pissed off when I don't drink

Blames me if any of the kids have anything wrong with them and says why didn't you take them to the doctor before now

Never services or valets car

No discussion around what do get the kids for Christmas yet if I go and buy them presents its why do I never get a say in what to buy them. Will go off and buy them more presents and over indulge them not good parenting.

Leaves all the purchasing of kris kindling to me and family birthdays

Criticises my cooking and has no right to when he doesn't cook.

When I make staples likes spaghetti bolognese he tells me he hates mince yet someone else would make it and he would happily eat it.

Hates when i shop in the cheaper supermarkets has to be the best.

When planning my child birthday he complaines that it wasn't more extravagant and that he has no say in said birthday when none of the little pre school class friends have started to have parties so was family only.

When highlighting my hair complains if I don' t go to the best of the best hair salon .

for the last 4 years I have done all the driving . Begged him to learn to drive . Found him two driving instructors, did all the research, booked his tests. When he did pass barely got a thank you.

Never get a birthday present, mothers day present from him.

organised a significant birthday in the house for his family barely got a thank you.

Didnt thank me for his significant birthday present

never does any washing or cooking

Refuses to fold his clothes or hang up his suits

Doesnt help with childcare

Won't discuss finances

When unpacking shopping does a disappearing trick

I pay for everything and have to get the money back then

Leaves all the admin to me - paying house insurance, car tax , renewing passports.

Lives beyond his means refuses to discuss childcare , bills, plan for family holidays.

Doesnt know how much is in his account can't do internet banking

Sees weekends as just for fun

Spends a lot of time watching football and netflix

 

 

 

Thank you for any advice as in a bad place,

Sunflower10

[Hollyj]

Does not sound like he respects you, or is really involved in the relationship. He has checked out.

 

Do you make an income that can afford all of the extravagance? Why is he so hung up on expensive things? Usually, based on insecurity and trying to impress.

 

You do not have to do everything. Just don't do these things.

 

I hope you have separate banking accounts ? he sounds very irresponsible.

 

Stop playing his mom, and get out if you are unhappy.

[rosephase]

He sounds like a terrible partner. But not abusive. Just, you know, a jerk. He sounds lazy, inconsiderate and annoying. That is way more than enough for you to leave him. It sounds like he does so little that it won't change how you live very much just to have him gone.

[Wiseman2]

He treats you like a servant. So why are you cooking for him, cleaning up after him, chauffeuring him around, etc? Those are things you do for your kids. You are feeding his king-of-the-world complex by playing along. It's odd if he wants to live like a king why you don't get housekeepers and nannies and go out to eat all the time, no?

[DancingFool]

No, he is not abusive, but he is a lousy husband. Basically, you are playing mommy to a manchild. Obsessing about expensive and the best, yeah insecure manchild.

It doesn't sound like there is any mutual respect in this relationship or like it's even remotely a partnership of any kind. Quite frankly, doesn't sound like you two even like each other anymore. Actually he sounds like a male gold digger - wants a woman with style, lots of money, who can afford the best of everything including keeping him, such a "prize".

 

I'm just curious - what does he actually contribute to you and this marriage?

[thealchemist]

He isn't abusive.

 

He just treats you exactly how you act, like his servant.

[sunflower10]

Thanks for all the replies..Contributing very little dancing fool. He is continuing to refuse to engage with me in spite of his promises and apologies. He never takes responsibility for anything and its all about him and his needs. He has astrange view on the role of a woman too. I feel I am walking on eggshells all the time. In terms of engagement nothing has changed. In fact he is worse.This is having a very detrimental effect on my well being. He has stopped talking / communicating with me .I'm terrified that it is the kids who will suffer in the long run.

[rosephase]

Thanks for all the replies..Contributing very little dancing fool. He is continuing to refuse to engage with me in spite of his promises and apologies. He never takes responsibility for anything and its all about him and his needs. He has astrange view on the role of a woman too. I feel I am walking on eggshells all the time. In terms of engagement nothing has changed. In fact he is worse.This is having a very detrimental effect on my well being. He has stopped talking / communicating with me .I'm terrified that it is the kids who will suffer in the long run.

 

Then leave. Or kick him out and change the locks. You don't want to be in this relationship. You are worried about how it affects your kids... kick this jerk to the curb.

[Starlight925]

Doesn't sound abusive, but sounds like a selfish guy who wants what he wants, how he wants it, and when he wants it.

 

He wants a doormat, not an independent thinking partner.

 

I actually don't think anything is wrong with him, it's that the mix of you two is terrible. He needs to find a subservient "yes" woman, and you need to find a guy who wants a 50/50 partnership.

[sunflower10]

Hi Alchemist re acting like his servant he will say things such as whats the point in being married if you don't do this or that for me....Really upsetting and am akind and giving person by my nature and have put 100% into this marriage..

[DancingFool]

OK, so you are literally pulling the whole load single handed and he is basically not just a dead weight in your already loaded cart but actively makes your life even more difficult. Maybe it's time to send him packing. It honestly sounds like your life would actually become easier without him. In a way, you are already living like a single mother...but worse......

 

Only alternative is trying counseling if you can get him to go and if you can find a counselor who can get through to him and if he is willing to actually fix himself....a lot of very big if's.

 

As for the kids, don't underestimate them. They already see the bad dynamic and are already affected by it. Some of the other posters on here can chime in more on that and their personal experience with how parents staying in a bad relationship for the children's sake was actually a terrible idea.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you've created a monster, much like a spoiled child.

[sunflower10]

Well put !!

[DancingFool]

Hi Alchemist re acting like his servant he will say things such as whats the point in being married if you don't do this or that for me....Really upsetting and am akind and giving person by my nature and have put 100% into this marriage..

 

Well....he is a very selfish man who has you wrapped around his finger and turned into a pretzel, but you aren't his victim. You are an active participant in this dynamic and allow it to happen and it's important that you understand that, because once you grasp that aspect you will be able to figure out how to initiate change and carry it through.

[sunflower10]

Hi dancing fool.

Yes he is worse than useless.If he just sat in the corner and said nothing that would be better but he thinks he has the right to criticize and comment when he has no right to! Good point you make though about not being his victim. I have tried just leaving his clothes on the floor not doing his washing, cooking etc he would happily have no beds made, dirty dishes pile up , grass not cut ...... He has a weird sense of entitlement which perhaps he got from his own upbringing. I just hope my son does not turn out like him.

[rosephase]

Hi dancing fool.

Yes he is worse than useless.If he just sat in the corner and said nothing that would be better but he thinks he has the right to criticize and comment when he has no right to! Good point you make though about not being his victim. I have tried just leaving his clothes on the floor not doing his washing, cooking etc he would happily have no beds made, dirty dishes pile up , grass not cut ...... He has a weird sense of entitlement which perhaps he got from his own upbringing. I just hope my son does not turn out like him.

 

So what are you doing to leave him?

[sunflower10]

Not sure where to start as three children in ...

[catfeeder]

You don't need to make any choices based on emotions and complaints alone. Meet with an attorney to gather information on your specific location and learn your options and the best steps for pursuing each option. From there you can make an informed decision when you are ready.

[Hollyj]

You're not doing your kids any favors by staying in this, in fact, it is detrimental.

 

Time to stop playing the doormat and be done.

[DancingFool]

Not sure where to start as three children in ...

 

If he doesn't contribute and you are doing ALL the work.....what's to start? You are already there....except perhaps emotionally. I agree you need to at least talk to an attorney and understand your practical options at the very least.

 

Outside of that, maybe get tough for real. Meaning tell him you are too fed up to continue and if he doesn't change you are ready to divorce him. Actually kick him out if change isn't forthcoming. It might wake him up at long last....it might not. Don't do it unless you are really ready to end things and mean it. In other words, don't ever use empty threats you aren't ready to carry out.

[DanZee]

I would say your husband is somewhat abusive. The term "walking on eggshells" is used quite commonly by partners in an abusive relationship. I think he's abusive in terms of always insulting you and putting you down. He is constantly putting you in your place by belittling you, which tears down your self esteem and ruins your confidence. As you said, if you do something, it's wrong, but when someone else does it, it's right. He's made you his slave, which is a key component to an abusive relationship. What's missing is the traditional cheating or accusing you of cheating, and the knock-down drag-out arguments common in abusive situations. It's possible that you've just learned to back down and not engage with him in arguments. He's also created a condition with his insults where he doesn't have to do anything and you run it all. He's king of the house.

 

I don't see where you have any advantage at all of having him as a husband. He's not going to change. I would recommend a divorce.

 

If you feel you're stuck in the marriage (usually for economic reasons), then I would recommend that you simply stop listening to him and do things the way you want to do them. If he criticizes your shoes, say to him "la-de-da." If he insults your meals, say "La-de-da. I can stop making your meals if you want." If he insults your hair, tell him, "La-de-da. I like it this way." When he doesn't buy you a birthday gift, say "La-de-da, thank you for the birthday gift I gave myself from you."

 

In other words, take control of the situation and simply circumvent him. You know he's not going to help you. Don't expect it. Just do it yourself. He may just start pitching in to help. Or at least he'll watch his soccer and stay out of your hair. But you will feel better because you've taken control over the house. Start teaching your kids to help you as much as possible. Just freeze him out.

[Mari]

Hi dancing fool.

Yes he is worse than useless.If he just sat in the corner and said nothing that would be better but he thinks he has the right to criticize and comment when he has no right to! Good point you make though about not being his victim. I have tried just leaving his clothes on the floor not doing his washing, cooking etc he would happily have no beds made, dirty dishes pile up , grass not cut ...... He has a weird sense of entitlement which perhaps he got from his own upbringing. I just hope my son does not turn out like him.

 

You two need to see a marriage counselor and divide up chores with consequences. It seems like he procrastinates more than you do and you do the task before he gets to it. Years of marriage this way has led to you taking on way more tasks than him. You feel unappreciated, he has come to rely on you for those tasks and at the same time resent you for certain tasks like birthday planning as you've already gotten to it before he even had a chance. He then takes full control of certain planning and you resent him for that.

 

If you were not doing tasks then he would eventually need to step up but it may be a cost to the whole family. So go to a marriage counselor and divide up the tasks. Failure on his part can be him paying a $500 fee to you for a first offense or him taking on a task of yours for the day. There has to be some agreement as to what is reasonable pain for him to feel to get his act together. Once that's done, you also need to stop paying for things and getting money from him later. You need his debit/credit card and he has to pay immediately for things he's responsible for. This will give him a better sense of how much money he has and show him actual reality. Right since you have so many tasks he feels both powerless in some ways and isn't in touch with how much money he has or how much he has in resources. As such he dreams and asks you to go to expensive stores because he's never had to budget himself and is clueless about how much he actually has.

 

As for the abuse part, if he uses silent treatment then that is abuse. He can't do that for a healthy marriage. Here's Gottman's four hoursemen:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

 

Having one of these traits leads to divorce and if he's stonewalling and constantly criticizing you that's going to be where you'll head. Marriage therapy now please.

[sunflower10]

Thank you Mari and Danzee great advice. I like the sound of the chores with consequences and will certainly look into Gottman's four hoursemen. He has not engaged or communicated with me now for over 4 months. Have written him emails, tried talking to him to no avail. I have asked him to engage with me on finances as I will need a childminder when I return to work but he refuses to discuss money. He thinks he is a multiimillionaire but is on an average saalry not a million miles from mine. I forgot to add he stole my phone, broke into it and then pretended to help me find it in the bin but I never found it. He also pushes me onto the bed pretending to be playful and when I get annoyed tells me I have no sense of humour. He has thrown food that. I have cooked on the floor. Danzee great advice re the la de da must try that one !!!Good idea too re getting the kids to help really good training for them especially little boys as I want my son one day to be a good partner and for my girls not to be with a narcissist /chauvinist....

[Mari]

Thank you Mari and Danzee great advice. I like the sound of the chores with consequences and will certainly look into Gottman's four hoursemen. He has not engaged or communicated with me now for over 4 months. Have written him emails, tried talking to him to no avail. I have asked him to engage with me on finances as I will need a childminder when I return to work but he refuses to discuss money. He thinks he is a multiimillionaire but is on an average saalry not a million miles from mine. I forgot to add he stole my phone, broke into it and then pretended to help me find it in the bin but I never found it. He also pushes me onto the bed pretending to be playful and when I get annoyed tells me I have no sense of humour. He has thrown food that. I have cooked on the floor. Danzee great advice re the la de da must try that one !!!Good idea too re getting the kids to help really good training for them especially little boys as I want my son one day to be a good partner and for my girls not to be with a narcissist /chauvinist....

 

You haven't talked in 4 months? That's not a marriage and you are being abused with silent treatment. That is emotional abuse. As for his comments about your clothing, next time he complains about what you're wearing ask him to buy you what he thinks would be ideal. Don't like my shoes, go buy me better ones and if I like them then I'll keep them. Don't like my top, then buy me a better one and if I like it I'll wear it. This should either make him get into buying you things or stop complaining about them. Right now it sounds like you two have already split up though, is that true? How are you e-mailing him while he lives in the same house?

[sunflower10]

When my baby was born he withdrew all affection and moved out of our room. No support with feeding baby. Emailed him about issues as there is no talking to him. We talk about kids and mundane things. I have used the words emotional abuse lots of times....