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Hey everyone, I have been with my Fiancé for almost 2 years now, things happened very fast for us and we have a 6 month old baby boy who absolutely adores him. The problem is, he does not trust me and it hurts. I don’t have anything to hide I am not doing anything and he has access to anthing he wants, me computer, phone whatever. He has accused me of the maintenance man, says I’m looking at men when we are out and about, one time there was a food stain in my car and he said it was a sex stain, he checks the sheets for things, he had my phone hacked and paid somebody well obviously this person was a scam artist that literally just pulled a random contact off of my facebook and said I had been talking to this person, this person is the father of one of my friends! So what happened after that I was accused of messing with a married man and when I plead with him its not true i just get called a liar. I am currently being evicted because he has harrassed the maintenance man but the landlord said she wouldn’t put it on blast and would say I left on good terms. I would be so DONE if evertime he didn’t come to me crying begging for my forgiveness and saying he thinks he has a sickness and needs help. I have to literally get to the point where I tell him I’m done throw all his stuff out and cut ties before he realizes he’s wrong and starts to panic and cry saying he believes me. I have tried the gentle approach to this also in the beginning I would say, I have not done anything baby why do you think you are feeling this way its ok to be scared but I’m not cheating on you, this never worked with him, he would just keep calling me a liar. It has happened so many times now that I literally just tell him to get out anytime he starts accusing me. We have tried counseling, do you think he may be bipolar and maybe needs meds? He goes through cycles of paranoia, anger, accusing and regret and panic. My last day in the apartment is next week should I go to CA where my mom and sister are and get away from him or is there a chance he can really stop doing this to me?

Edited by Gatorgirl34
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Sorry to hear this but these are all signs of an abusive relationship from the quick involvement to insisting he monitor you and control you and pathological jealousy and chronic anger. Read up on Cycles of Violence. Red Flags For Abusive Relationships.

Yes run and get help from your friends and family and let them know what is going on. Expect things to escalate when you try to escape, including threats and using your child to torture you. Start sending all important papers to you family in advance. Start changing your address on all important mail. Start changing passwords on all important accounts. Stop letting him sift through your devices. Plan your escape carefully and secretly.

He goes through cycles of paranoia, anger, accusing and regret and panic. My last day in the apartment is next week should I go to CA where my mom and sister are and get away from him or is there a chance he can really stop doing this to me?
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Thank you, I guess I just keep holding on because we are kind of all he has you know? Both his parents are dead, his brother and sister dont’ help much and I know we mean a lot to him. He was in a relationship in the past where she cheated all the time, I’ve tried to understanding but he can simply not keep treating me like I’m her. I would feel horrible for leaving him here all alone but maybe thats part of how he has me trapped emotionally I guess.

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Sorry to hear this but these are all signs of an abusive relationship from the quick involvement to insisting he monitor you and control you and pathological jealousy and chronic anger. Read up on Cycles of Violence. Red Flags For Abusive Relationships.

Yes run and get help from your friends and family and let them know what is going on. Expect things to escalate when you try to escape, including threats and using your child to torture you. Start sending all important papers to you family in advance. Start changing your address on all important mail. Start changing passwords on all important accounts. Stop letting him sift through your devices. Plan your escape carefully and secretly.

 

Yes I agree with this and was going to say the same things. He won't get any help until he hits bottom and realizes he needs it. His controlling ways won't lessen, he needs help to work thru whatever is behind this. You cant do it for him, he has to do it.

 

Yes move to where your mother is, dont tell him where and when you are leaving, just pack and go.

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Thank you, I guess I just keep holding on because we are kind of all he has you know? Both his parents are dead, his brother and sister dont’ help much and I know we mean a lot to him. He was in a relationship in the past where she cheated all the time, I’ve tried to understanding but he can simply not keep treating me like I’m her. I would feel horrible for leaving him here all alone but maybe thats part of how he has me trapped emotionally I guess.

 

You are not his ex. He will punish you forever. This is about him. He sounds unbalanced.

 

Stop allowing this. You will stay with this jerk because he lacks family. I don't understand this? He treats you like crap.

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No, do not stay. Go now before you've wasted 13 years and you have 3 kids (whom I adore and would not trade for the world). I'm sure you realize that I say this from experience. It's a horrible way to live and he will not change. My job was basically keeping him happy. If he was upset, I did everything to try and fix it. I avoided situations that had the potential to upset him or make him suspicious, such as having any male friends, walking too close to a male, sitting too close to a male, even looking in the direction of a male!

 

Wiseman has given you great advice! I fell for the "I'm sorry" way too many times. It wasn't easy but I eventually cut him completely out of my life. Unfortunately he makes very little effort to see his children, but that's probably for the best.

 

Please know you can do this! You must do this. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to recover from the mental abuse.

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I am afraid of what its making me, because I dont’ cowar down to it I try to fight him back and I know one day either I will snap and kill him or he will hurt me, if it doenst’ stop, I just keep feeling like surely he can stop, surely he can learn to trust again, before I take his son halfway across the USA away from him, I know it will crush him. But its slowly killing me

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Playing the victim is what All abusers do so you stay stuck in their prisons. If you "meant a lot to him" he would not treat you like this. You are merely a possession, like a truck and an extension of his narcissistic world. Sadly he has you brainwashed already and that makes you vulnerable to get sucked in deeper and deeper...like quicksand. Save your child from this, but to do that you need to save yourself from this.

 

Only you can extricate yourself from this. He does not want to change and you can't fix him. Abuse is always insidious and comes in increments often at times of commitment like moving in, having a child, etc. This is to increase his control over you and hold on you.

Both his parents are dead, his brother and sister dont’ help much and I know we mean a lot to him.
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Hollyj, my sister used to say the same thing to me..."why don't you leave??". Emotional abuse will work slowly to diminish all fragments of self-esteem. You are so confused that you question yourself. Should I leave? But he needs me. What will he do to himself if I leave? Maybe I just need to love him more.

 

You're absolutely right, this is about HIM, not her. But that doesn't make it easier to break free from this. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

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I am afraid of what its making me, because I dont’ cowar down to it I try to fight him back and I know one day either I will snap and kill him or he will hurt me, if it doenst’ stop, I just keep feeling like surely he can stop, surely he can learn to trust again, before I take his son halfway across the USA away from him, I know it will crush him. But its slowly killing me

 

This is who he is. You need to accept it. Either you continue with the abuse, or you remove yourself from the craziness.

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...is HE cheating? Because man, that's pretty extreme, even for someone who has been cheated on in the past.

 

It's hard to leave, but...it sounds like it's probably the healthiest thing for everyone, including your son. It's a hard thing to do, and it's going to hurt... but ultimately, you need to feel safe, loved, respected, trusted. You've been together long enough now that these issues should have dissipated. (Unless, like my first question, he's cheating... then it totally makes sense.)

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Hollyj, my sister used to say the same thing to me..."why don't you leave??". Emotional abuse will work slowly to diminish all fragments of self-esteem. You are so confused that you question yourself. Should I leave? But he needs me. What will he do to himself if I leave? Maybe I just need to love him more.

 

You're absolutely right, this is about HIM, not her. But that doesn't make it easier to break free from this. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

 

I understand. The positive is, is that she now recognizes it. She knows this guy has major issues and she cannot rescue him any longer. When a child comes into the picture, there must be more urgency.

 

The partner of this abuse is also co dependent. Another issue that she must deal with.

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As far as I know he isn’t, when he started doing all this to me I started digging deeper to see if maybe that was the case, I would check his phone, I had his facebook password and he diden’t know it, I never found anything, he never stays out late, comes home after work, prefers to do things with the family than friends, so its looking like he isn’t I guess.

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Yes i think we have some codependent issues going on. I cannot be his rescuer anymore though, I just can’t. Thankfully there is no drug and alcohol dependency attached to any of this, just jealousy and control. He will say yes babe you can go out and do something with your friends but then its like after I do the accusations come.

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Yes i think we have some codependent issues going on. I cannot be his rescuer anymore though, I just can’t. Thankfully there is no drug and alcohol dependency attached to any of this, just jealousy and control. He will say yes babe you can go out and do something with your friends but then its like after I do the accusations come.

 

It does not have to be about substances. If you are trying to save him, and change him, it is co dependent.

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The tears and begging are manipulation, OP. He knows he's abusing you, and he knows that if he cries you will fall for it and take him back.

 

I went through something similar with an ex. He never got his hands on my phone but he sure as heck tried, and raged when I refused to pander to such ludicrous demands. He also raged when he thought I looked too long at a random guy. There was also the sob story that his ex cheated on him, which turned out not to be true at all (It was the other way around) And he was unfaithful to me too, as I later discovered. This insane and baseless jealousy is very often a form of projection, because they know how they hide their bad behavior from you.

 

You need to get away from him, and he needs help. Is he mentally ill? That's up to the psychiatrist to determine. But it isn't likely to go away with some medication. This is someone with deeply-ingrained abusive tendencies. There is no way in fresh heck I would advise you to stay with him, especially with a little one to consider. Surely you don't want your boy to grow up and treat women the way his father does.

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