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Insecurity after fight with boyfriend


Starseed450
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Here is some background information: we have been dating for 4 months. He is 32 and i am 23. With this relationship, everything came so easily. It was really the first time I wasn't wondering if he liked me or wondering when he will text. He is really a good person and the only guy I have dated who has his life together. For the first few months, he always wanted to see me, would text me often throughout the day, would pick me up after work and we spent every night together almost. I knew it was not good to spend that much time together, but we both wanted to see eachother.

 

Recently, we have had a couple bad arguements from me not being able to drop certain things and just move on. We have gotten past them, and he forgave me and I forgave him, but things do not seem the same. He is not texting me as often, he avoids when I ask if he wants to get together and he asked for a time to himself tonight. Now I know that I shouldn’t look to how much he texts me as a source of validation, but something seems off. Since him and I created this culture of seeing each other every day, it came as a shock when he asked to be alone. I do not want to show him that I am insecure, but after the couple of fights we had, I just do not feel the same. I feel like he feels differently about me or is making a decision if he really wants to be with me.

 

Also, the othe day, a girl he was seeing before me came to his door. He told me right away. He told me she tried to apologize. He does not know for what, because he only saw her a handful of times and broke it off. I appreciate that he told me right away, and that he said to her “apology accepted” and closed the door. I did not get angry with him for this (this is something I would have gotten angry at a boyfriend for in the past). But I realized that I cannot control that she came there and it is how he handled it is what counts.

 

I am just feeling inscure after all this and very very anxious. I am afraid he is going to end things. I am so afraid of being hurt, as after our first arguement, we didnt talk for a bit and I was certain he was going to end things, so I was feeling all those horrible feelings that go along with a break up. I feel as though he has broken up with me, because I feel emotionally distraught and worried about what will happen. I don't want to feel like this. I am anxious to the point of having trouble eating and sleeping.

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So what were the arguments about? You kind of skipped over that. You said something about not being able to drop certain things. Like what? The reason for the argument may be the reason you haven't heard as much for you. Something to think about. That may be while you're not eating and sleeping.

 

Anyways, until you sort things out with your boyfriend (one way or another), you can distract yourself by going out with friends and relatives, doing things that make you happy, going to concerts and events, taking walks in the sun, maybe getting or walking a dog, and so on.

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Ok, you have your reasons to believe him. The one motto that never fails me is "If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true." To me, it doesn't make sense about her randomly stopping by, and also, for him to tell you about it. And now he's acting strange. I think it's odd, but mmmk.

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I'm not believing that the girl showed up out of nowhere, rang the doorbell, apologized, and he simply said "apology accepted" and now it's back to no contact.

 

I agree with Jenny. It sounds to me he may be contemplating getting back with her and gave you a soft version of non-truthful accounts. None the less, he is acting different now and I feel he's going to do the slow fade out of your life.

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Well he called me right when it happened and said “the weirdest thing just happened, the girl i saw a few times before we started talking showed up..” and he basically told me he hardly said two words to her. Maybe he is lying...but i dont get the vibe that he is at all. Wouldnt he have just been able to not tell me at all?

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I did also just stop by his house (with him knowing) so I can grab something i need for the morning. Nothing at all seemed suspicious. All my stuff is still around his house (assuming it would have been hidden if he had another girl over) and he was going to bed as he has to get up really early.

I asked him again about this and he assured me he loves me and wants nothing to do with her.

 

I asked what he meant by seeing her, and he told me he went on a few dates with her and hung out with her at his house a few times and that’s all. I’m assuming he slept with her.

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Again, does it make sense that she decided to stop by unannounced when they barely dated? And how did she know his address if they barely dated? And to answer your question about why he told you instead of just keeping it secret? I know one thing, if someone insignificant showed up in my life after barely dating them, I wouldn't tell the person I am dating because there is no reason to. I'd handle it and forget about it. But that's just me.

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My boyfriend (now husband) said this exact same thing to me at around the same point of our relationship. We spent every day together once we became "official". I reacted the same way you did because I thought if things were okay then why would he want to be away from me? I was only 19 then, so I was emotionally immature. It really was nothing though. He really just wanted some alone time because he realized he was putting so much time into our relationship that he was putting his friends and his "me time" on the back-burner. There was nothing sinister behind it.

 

As for him telling you about the girl, I don't see anything weird about it at all. If it happened and it was weird and straightforward like he said, then why not tell you? My husband told me about an inappropriate message that was sent to him from an old friend in the beginning of our relationship. I found it nice that he wasn't afraid to tell me because it really wasn't a big deal. You sound like you trust him and you know him best, so try not to let seeds of doubt be planted

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So here's what the fight was about, from your other thread:

He is highly critical of everything I do, for example, if we cook together, I am always doing something wrong according to him. We get along, but are very different (he is quiet and reserved and serious and I am a bit more outgoing)

Today we argued and he told me he wants time alone. I didn’t want to leave, and I said I would just go in the other room for the rest of the night. He told me if I did that, then next time to take all my stuff, because it would he the last time I’d be at his house, so I left.

I am really worried he is going to take this time to think about ending things.

 

Certainly puts a different spin on things.

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So here's what the fight was about, from your other thread:

He is highly critical of everything I do, for example, if we cook together, I am always doing something wrong according to him. We get along, but are very different (he is quiet and reserved and serious and I am a bit more outgoing)

Today we argued and he told me he wants time alone. I didn’t want to leave, and I said I would just go in the other room for the rest of the night. He told me if I did that, then next time to take all my stuff, because it would he the last time I’d be at his house, so I left.

I am really worried he is going to take this time to think about ending things.

 

Certainly puts a different spin on things.

 

Agreed, it doesn't sound like a very stable relationship or that he's taking you too seriously if he's willing to end things over something so silly. Making threats about ending it just to get his way is also complete bs. No wonder you're feeling insecure in the relationship. It's not you imagining it, he's keeping it that way because he's unsure and doesn't sound like he's very invested.

I agree with the other that I find it odd this chick stopped by and now he wants alone time. Guys will tell you all kinds of things about a girl only to still end up dating or sleeping with them. I've seen that more times than I can count.

I hate to say it but there isn't much you can do right now but do your best to take the focus off him and keep busy. If things are innocent and he's just going through the normal pullback then the best way to get things back to normal is to get busy with You again and he will notice and want to reassert his position in your life. It can begin to feel overwhelming when it seems like you're the center of someone's life and responsible for their happiness, it's a lot of pressure. Guys, well anyone really, don't like pressure or obligations to fulfill any preconceived needs. It makes it work and not fun. At first you guys were together all the time because you wanted to be, the newness kept that going but once it becomes more of an obligation it loses it's luster. He can't miss you if you're not gone. Let him miss you.

 

Something to think about, in regards to your other post, you need to ask yourself something very important: Can I be myself with him? If you can't than you need to rethink investing in the relationship. Staying in ones that are critical will diminish your identity and self-worth. You'll come out more insecure than you feel now.

 

Do you now how you know when you've found someone worth investing in? When they bring out the best in you, and vice versa. Two people should be about to be authentically themselves without fear of ridicule, judgments or loss of interest. You two should NURTURE eachothers best and grow together.

 

I have been guilty of staying in relationships myself that did stifled my sense of self and who I truly am, questioning my behavior, personality and rather I was enough all because I needed their validation. Half the time I didn't even really like them but how they made me feel about myself had me seeking their approval so I stayed and tried to be the person I thought they wanted. The perfect girlfriend. It wasn't until I stepped away or it ended did I see it for what it was. We we're a good match. We didn't compliment eachother. It's not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes two people are just too different, but NOBODY is entitled to pick you apart and make you question yourself to the point where you feel like you need to walk on eggshells.

Have you ever wondered if he's narcissist? Because narcissist will make you feel like you need to walk on eggshells and you'll question yourself. Even these pulls away are manipulation tactics. Be careful. I'm not saying he IS but use this time to pull back yourself and reassess what he and the relationship is doing to help you grow and fulfill YOU!. DO NOT spend the time caught up in worrying what he is thinking or feeling. It'll drive you nuts, make you needy and insecure and even if you don't say anything that conveys that he will be able to sense it it the way you hold yourself or act around him. Get back to you, Get your confidence back. THAT is attractive and he will see that. That is what he wants, a girl he knows doesn't NEED him but Wants him. Do you. Let him do him. If it's meant to be it will be.

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