Jump to content

confused about level of interest


junebug123
 Share

Recommended Posts

I meet this girl at a meetup, shes 30 and im 32. She seemed very friendly and out going, things I find attractive after talking to her for close to 7-8 minutes I asked for her number and she gave it to me. The thing about the meetup is that it was a 'friending' event meaning the intention is to make friends, so I'm just making that clear first.

 

I didn't bother talking to her via text much we just set up a dinner date to go on, she seemed friendly and conversation was good. she seemed to be into me, staring at my eyes a lot and we talked about personal things. After that I was feeling comfortable with her and set up another date to go to the movies with her.

 

This is where things started to get weird, she sat in her chair with her arms crossed the entire time, I might have reached over to put my hand on her leg or to hold her hand and no reaction at all. Then we eat afterwards and I could tell it was slightly awkward, we talked about past relationships and this is where I start to notice that she seems to be emotionally unavailable to men. She told me that shes only ever been in love once, and many of her male friends often fall in love with her but she doesn't feel the same way back towards them.

 

I wasn't sure if she was being genuine with me or if she was just being emotional, whatever that means.

 

After we eat I give her a hug and a kiss and I'm wondering whether or not to pursue but feel that overall it was a nice experience seeing her again and we chat a little bit after the date.

 

I schedule another date the following week, the day of I text to confirm, but she canceled on me claiming she forgot. At this point I am ready to move on and simply let her know to call me if and when she wants to meet. She apologizes but it's left like that and two or three days pass before she writes me this extremely long text message about 3-4 texts long saying how she is sorry and wants to make it up to me.

 

Eventually we go out again, this time for drinks and this is when i start to get more physical and she doesn't seem to mind just putting my hand on her leg and getting close to her. We talked more about relationship stuff and eventually as the night comes to an end I ask if I can kiss her because shes talking a lot. I am not really at the point where I feel comfortable just kissing her because she has given me so many mixed signals.

 

She says no. And i just grab her and hold her for a while and I can tell she feels bad. Afterwards as we go in different directions she texts me and tells me her timing is really off and she's not emotionally ready for dating (although, I thought thats what we were doing the entire time). In spite of all this I schedule another date which she initially agreed to, but then she cancels again, this time the day before.

 

Rather then being upset I offer to meet with her the following day and she agrees.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I just wanted to know where I stand and I am deluding myself, canceling twice is not a good sign, should I bother investing any more time or should I just cut my loses and move on. I wouldn't mind being friends, but I am not sure I am interested in games or if this is normal behavior.

 

Perspective? Male perspective would be greatly appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I mean.....she told you flat out that she is a mess and not in the right place for dating. So STOP. If you proceed after being told to your face and being blatantly jerked around, you are not only a glutton for punishment, but you are basically setting yourself up to be used and abused as she feels like.

 

Maybe go find women who are actually in the right place to date and want to date you. You know...someone who is emotionally stable right now. Never ever waste your life trying to save a damsel in distress, because all you will get out of that is a distressed damsel sucking the life out of you (no, not in that good way either).

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are not going to win with this one. She's got male friends...lots of them which are hovering in her orbit because they want to be with her. If they are still there, she is giving them false hope...just like what she is doing to you. She already told you she's not emotionally into you, not ready for dating, has trouble falling in love, telling you her guy friends are in love with her, she's been cancelling your dates. She's pretty much keeping you are arms length,....a time waster.

 

When a girl is really into you, there are no "Mixed Signals". She won't waste time being undecided, slamming on the brakes at every turn. She will be very receptive to physical contact....the girl ain't it and not worth pursuing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Um, thanks for putting it so straight forward. I guess I am just lonely right now, and I suppose I am lowering my standards somewhat to spend time with this girl. Maybe, thats why I accepted her apology the first time, it's just my friend has said to be that he's been in this position before with girls who are just insecure and that with time, they will eventually learn to relax more.

 

I also have a problem with writing people off too soon, and I am not the most social person so its rare that I really find people who I can talk and relate to. Maybe another way to look at it, is what is really the worse that can happen if I invest more time and see where this goes. At worse she will not be interested and nothing gained nothing lost. At best, I can make a new friend possibly something more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She cancels twice, one time insisting she forgot? I can't recall ever forgetting a date. Certainly not one I was interesting in.

She won't let you kiss her, she gives off closed up vibes and says the she is not open to dating at this time. .yet you keep asking her out and wondering if this is normal? No. . she's just not available. That's all you need to know.

 

Invest your time in something that has a return. Do not invest time and head space and end up in a deficit wondering if they are just playing games with you.

 

She's not playing games with you. She has told you straight up and through her actions and words that this isn't going to go anywhere.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The thing about the meetup is that it was a 'friending' event meaning the intention is to make friends, so I'm just making that clear first.

 

^^^^^^ these are your words, Delacrank.

 

Why are you trying to get physical with a girl you met at a friending event? It wasn't a singles event.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just talk to her and don't try to make any moves on her. She may just need someone to talk to.

 

yeah, thanks. This is sort of why I wanted male perspective, some people give advice like they are experts in the field of dating women. Yet they have dated zero women as a man, so how they know what to do sometimes amazes me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not all women are the same.... same for men so deciphering what a person's action or lack of action is all speculation. However if someone tells you they are in no place for a relationship, they are doing you a favor.

 

she sounds like she needs a friend if she's writing you long texts... if you wanna be a friend and see how it progress, its your call.

 

If you are lonely, try doing another meet-up, like someone said maybe a strictly single meet up group. also a big tell tale if someone says they are just being friends wit you yet you are paying for the dinners, you may want to make it clear to them that its dates not a friendly get together. theres nothing wrong in drawing the line.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah, thanks. This is sort of why I wanted male perspective, some people give advice like they are experts in the field of dating women. Yet they have dated zero women as a man, so how they know what to do sometimes amazes me.

 

lol....sounds like you are determined to latch on and waste your time, so I guess do as you wish. Women understand other women very well and what they are up to. You are getting a translation from womanspeak to manspeak, but it doesn't sound like you want to hear that. She isn't some shy broken flower looking to be rescued, she is telling you straight up that she is not interested, but if you are willing to be her doormat, she will totally use you to wipe her feet on. Wish you well....still hope you'll find your sense and move on to greener pastures be it finding more healthy friends or women to date who are actually looking to date or both really.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah, thanks. This is sort of why I wanted male perspective, some people give advice like they are experts in the field of dating women. Yet they have dated zero women as a man, so how they know what to do sometimes amazes me.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I just wanted to know where I stand and I am deluding myself, canceling twice is not a good sign, should I bother investing any more time or should I just cut my loses and move on. I wouldn't mind being friends, but I am not sure I am interested in games or if this is normal behavior.

 

You wrote this in your opening post ^^

You do know you came to an advice forum asking for feedback, right? Add in you did get some responses from men.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP be careful about pursuing a woman that says she isn’t interested in a relationship.... not just because of the doormat thing, but also if she is emotionally unstable you could land in hot water if she for whatever reason decides you are harassing her.

 

Not that you are but she has made it clear and you continue to pursue so she could view it that way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

lol....sounds like you are determined to latch on and waste your time, so I guess do as you wish. Women understand other women very well and what they are up to. You are getting a translation from womanspeak to manspeak, but it doesn't sound like you want to hear that. She isn't some shy broken flower looking to be rescued, she is telling you straight up that she is not interested, but if you are willing to be her doormat, she will totally use you to wipe her feet on. Wish you well....still hope you'll find your sense and move on to greener pastures be it finding more healthy friends or women to date who are actually looking to date or both really.

 

Update: You were right from the very first post. We ended up going out again tonight, and more of the same behavior, arguments about nothing, getting distracted by every little thing.

 

Then when I try to have a serious conversation about the behavior acting aloof and changing the subject. I just kept saying to myself, shes hot its worth it I can make this work. But, by the end of the night I was just so fled up with all of the cognitive dissonance I was feeling, not just on this time but all the events leading prior that I finally let her know how I felt.

 

The funny thing is that I should have expected her to start being humble and showing interest in me the moment I was ready to move on. It is sort of a weird push and pull dynamic that I will never understand about women and relationships or friendships or whatever.

 

She has told me that it has been hard for her to maintain her friendships with males because they always start dating someone and their girlfriends don't allow them to see here anymore. It almost feels like one of those weird law of attraction things, she purposes dresses provocatively on our dates out wearing fishnet shirts with tube top, or a see through shirt with her bra underneath (thats what she was wearing tonight). These were on nights when the weather was 45-50 degrees btw.

 

Finally i texted her afterwards letting her know that i didn't want to see here again and lets just end things. Then she replies back, 'I'm sorry you feel that way, although I can't say I didn't see this coming'. I guess thats makes me a villain right?

 

The thing I can't understand is if she wasn't interested, then why keep agreeing to see me even though she knew my interest was romantic?

Edited by Delacrank
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

The thing I can't understand is if she wasn't interested, then why keep agreeing to see me even though she knew my interest was romantic?

 

Well..when I was younger, I've been told that I am an attention seeker lol...bc sometimes I was acting like this girl of yours.

 

But I didn't feel that way. I just wanted to find someone to be attracted to and when it was not happening, I just tried to friendzone the guy, although without bad intentions...only I just couldn't straight say "no, I'm not into you the way you want me too".

 

I remember a guy...he had a motorbike, we've ride for half of day together...we've eaten smth and then he ask me on a second date..and I was like.."well...I don't know, let's speak Friday night" and when he called Friday night I said "well, I am not sure, maybe some other time blabla...he got angry and said: aha...you are one of these girls who just love to have men around to make you feel like a diva" lol

But the truth was that i didn't really like him, I wasn't attracted to him and that was all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Who cares the way she dresses? It doesn't mean she was trying to send signals to you. It's probably how she feels comfortable. Dressing what you consider provocative does not mean you have the right to get jaded when turned down.

 

Your missing the point, would she wear something like this if she were with her grandparents, at work (and she works in an office) or with her father?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...