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I like my boyfriend but...


Janx201
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I've been going out with my current boyfriend for a while now. He's really sweet, and kind, and I enjoy spending time with him. We've been intimate more than a few times now, and it's more or less ok, a little clumsy but not anything horribly terrible. The only thing I've had a problem with is...he always asks for permission before hand. Like the first time we had sex it was kind of endearing, I mean he asked if it was ok...and I said yes.... Then the second time we had sex he asked if this was what I wanted to do, and I was like...I'm half naked, and we're making out on my couch...yeah I'm cool with this.

 

Even when I initiate the sex...he asks me if I really want to go through with this. I can be unbuttoning his pants and he asks and I just...it is frustrating sometimes, because it's just this one little step that takes me out of it. And I've asked him 'why do you ask, it's clear that I want to or we wouldn't be in this situation', and all he says is 'well, you know, I just don't ever want you to think you have to...or want you to think I just assume'. And I'm like that's nice, and all but, babe....it's not necessary when it's obvious. He just goes 'I just want to make sure before we do anything...I don't want you regretting anything'.

 

I mean it's such a tiny grumble, but it does become this momentum killer, because he will stop, or stop me, whatever he or I am doing and very pointedly be like 'are you ok doing this?'.

 

Like am I being unfair or...is he being overly...I don't know cautious or insecure....

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Reframe this into an opportunity to be sexy. Answer with a voracious yessss.

 

I tried doing that a couple of times but...it's just....tiresome, for me to constantly be like 'yes, I want to have sex with you, that's why....I'm trying to have sex with you'. It's so dumb, I'm the one that pouncing on him and he's asking me if I'm sure that I want to have sex....and it just sometimes kills it for me. This last night, we were making out and I had my hands down his pants and he stopped kissing me and asked...and I just sat back and said 'no...not now....' It just sometimes feels kind of insulting, like I don't know, he doesn't trust me or something....I'm not a goddamned child...I know what I want when I want it...if I didn't want to I wouldn't be there with him in that way...

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Welcome to the fall out from the MeToo movement. Where every male is scared to fart at a women without consent. Feels sh*tty doesn't it? Just like it feels to be defamed by a woman who seemed okay with getting it on, yet felt uncomfortable and then cried rape afterwards.

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"Consent is sexy."

 

I don't want to blame MeToo and all that simply for being what it is, but I'd say men who lack a whole lot of sexual experience, particularly if they're younger and not quite grasping the nuance well enough, are understandably having a hard time navigating implicit consent while legally looking out for their own best interests. Even if he were to get a handle on that, a huge chunk of universities are adopting policies requiring verbal and affirmative consent prior to engaging in any sexual act anyway, so he'd be looking at expulsion or potentially even jail were he not to ask for explicit permission.

 

Personally, I think a lot of elements of the fallout are problematic on a few hundred different levels-- for both sexes-- but I don't have it in me to fuel that fire right now. At the end of the day, it's a dynamic you're probably just gonna have to get used to.

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I tried doing that a couple of times but...it's just....tiresome, for me to constantly be like 'yes, I want to have sex with you, that's why....I'm trying to have sex with you'. It's so dumb, I'm the one that pouncing on him and he's asking me if I'm sure that I want to have sex....and it just sometimes kills it for me. This last night, we were making out and I had my hands down his pants and he stopped kissing me and asked...and I just sat back and said 'no...not now....' It just sometimes feels kind of insulting, like I don't know, he doesn't trust me or something....I'm not a goddamned child...I know what I want when I want it...if I didn't want to I wouldn't be there with him in that way...

 

I get it. A couple of big picture, slow burn ideas:

 

- Develop the friendship side of your relationship. Build trust and intimacy by advising each other, helping each other with projects, sharing daytime activities.

- Appreciate that he has trained himself to make a habit out of getting consent. If necessary, spend some mental energy imagining what it is like to have confused consent or no consent for both parties. He can very much be a victim. Foreplay does not equal consent by either of you. Appreciate that he understands this in a very real way.

- Consider that consent may be a very real issue for him. He may have had a personal experience, regarding himself or someone close to him.

- Think of his question like a seat belt. Its just a habit.

 

Bottom line: this hurts noone. It is up to you to defuse the way you hear the question. Strip it of all emotional content and hear it in a straightforward manner. It is a question of fact, that is all. Make yourself hear it as a question of fact, and answer it plainly.

Your judgment of him is in part due to motivations you are assigning to him - that's on you, not him. Its up to you fix your reaction to the question.

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