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Am I a monster or am I a punching bag


nozaanator
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Well I’ve apologised for getting resentful and guilt tripping her about it.

 

It’s been a few days now and she’s still pissed off about it. It’s at the point we’re im sick of it and sick of having to walk on egg shells. I’ve considered a few points that have been said in this thread , such as how my behaviour was wrong , but more importantly why would I want to be with someone who continually behaves likes a slob throws tantrums when called out about it. At this stage I am considering walking away

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Well I’ve apologised for getting resentful and guilt tripping her about it.

 

It’s been a few days now and she’s still pissed off about it. It’s at the point we’re im sick of it and sick of having to walk on egg shells. I’ve considered a few points that have been said in this thread , such as how my behaviour was wrong , but more importantly why would I want to be with someone who continually behaves likes a slob throws tantrums when called out about it. At this stage I am considering walking away

Don't think, do!

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  • 1 month later...

I have done. I’ve taken about a month to just get my bearings with the change and am ready to go out and have some fun again.

 

Problem is my game will be a little rusty , are there any books/websites ect that I can read to assist me with picking up again ?

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I'd dump her first and when she asks why, I'd tell her that you are unable to live with such an unmotivated and untidy person. Then go zero contact.

 

She's clearly not going to change. The reaction she gave you when you told her what was wrong tell you that. In future and with your next g/f don't be not saying anything while you resentfully go about doing things that she should have been taking care of since she made the mess. Just be calm and matter of factly ask her to help you clean up so that you can enjoy a tidy space while you both chill. If she refuses after that, well then you know what kind of twit you've gotten yourself involved with.

 

Well, you're body language was clear enough for her to ask you what was wrong. You were exuding your resentment I'd imagine. Not saying you didn't have cause to be resentful but you need to communicate in order to get what you want and if after being honest about it she still doesn't care enough to keep a tidy home then you know that you're not with a compatible partner.

 

Adding: For the life of me I don't know how she could sit there and let you clean without helping. Men of the 40's and 50's and most of the 60's used to be like her.

 

^^^all of this. All. Day. Long.

 

Instead of being the silent irate, you should have said something to her about it and if she got pissed, then she can get her stuff and go back to her place and be as messy as she wants to be.

 

She's at your place posting up and not doing much. I wouldn't let her stay there anymore until she learned how to open a can of "act right".

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Your behavior screams passive aggressive. Next time, ask her (COMMUNICATE) if she will need a hand to clean up, or will be able to get to it sometime today, instead of just assuming the worse of her and treating her as so, and just swallowing the poison, cleaning up the mess yourself, and cursing her under your breath.

 

Repeat after me, not everyone's priorities with household chores are NOT the same...meaning, you need to give her the room to get to them. But does she do anything else that contributes to the household? Make plans, cook. If she is a slob, you need a chore chart, or scheduling days on who does what and what day.

 

Don't get me wrong; I recently threw my husband's clothes that had been on his side of the bed piled high on the floor out the window. It was fun doing it, but I felt bad after a while and got them back, and then told him about it. He is a mega-hoardish-slob. But I do have to keep myself in check and remember he also does all the gardening, plumbing, electrical work, and 99% of all the grocery shopping, and makes dinner 6x a week.

 

This article made a difference though with my hubby: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/02/style/modern-love-making-a-marriage-magically-tidy.html

 

You just have to accept they are no where near as clean as you, or make it a dealbreaker. Either way, don't walk on egg shells. Tell her that when she leaves a mess, you feel that she doesn't care about your feelings and needs.

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Then she stormed off called me every name under the sun , threatens to leave me and locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to talk to me.
If this had been the behavior of a man because his lady was passive aggressive ( :'( ), we'd be laughing him out of the house, and 100% rightfully so. Nobody here would ever take him seriously after that. And I don't say that because I think guys deserve more slack, but because, often, asking "what would I think if a guy did that?" is unfortunately an easier way for many to decontextualize an incident from the obscenely low expectation of emotional maturity many of us have of women. That's not saying there aren't lessons in communication the OP can learn and apply, but that he should do so with another adult rather than waste the effort on someone who's still emotionally a child. I'm glad the OP has elected to move on.

 

And, absolutely, don't settle for anyone who can't keep the home sanitary. Clutter and clothes are one thing. Stray food and dirty dishes are another. A partner putting you in a position to either foot he effort or deal with an unsanitary home (assuming you're not the caretaker for whom it's more or less part of your job) just for the sake of teaching them a lesson they should have learned by age 8 is, again, nothing less than juvenile. Mice and roaches don't show up with a suitcase, ready to move in, only to walk away because they realize it was actually Samantha's turn to clean and they wanna be fair to Billy like "Oh shucks, we'll try again next week."

Edited by j.man
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