How to initiate a breakup

[Cbu14gwv]

I need arvise on how to break up with someone. Me and my boyfriend have been together since we were 16, he’s been the only guy I’ve ever been with. We are now 21, lived together for the past 3 years, have 2 cats together. Practically married for the past few years. But I know we need to break up. I know I’m not treated right, I know I deserve better, I know we have different goals and morals, and overall idea of what a relationship should be like. But I don’t remember him not being the #1 person in my life, so although I know this needs to end, I don’t know how to do it. He’s done school now, and I’m only 1 year away from being a registered nurse. I feel like I want to be independent and finally not rely on anybody because now it feels like my life is starting to get real. I’ve broken up with him before, only for a few days, but he didn’t take t well. Blowing up my phone, not allowing me my space. I don’t know if I can do it again to his face. I was thinking about over text, over the phone, through a letter. I know that seems so wrong but I have a panic disorder and anxiety so I don’t know if I can make it through another intense face to face breakup seeing as ive never broken up with anybody. And what do I say? Do I just block him from everything and move on? Do no contact? The past 2 times I’ve left him I ran right back only within a few days. What if I do that again? How do I get over this? I’m not sure how to deal with breaking up with someone who has been there for so long. Please help any advice is needed.

[Wiseman2]

What do you mean "different goals"? And "not treating you right"? Have you read up on the signs of abusive relationships? Very often there are several attempts to leave and the partner "doesn't take it well". The best thing you can do is inform yourself about controlling relationships and why you can't leave, but want to and have tried to.

 

Be honest and tell trusted family and friends what is going on. Slowly and secretly start severing things financially. Open your open bank accounts and credit cards. Have important mail forwarded to friends or family's. Slow but surely start removing important things out. paperwork valuables etc. Then when you set it up with friends/family, you move out one day when he's not home. No note, no forwarding address, no contact, no nothing. And you delete him from all messaging, devices and social media.

We are now 21, lived together for the past 3 years. I know we have different goals and morals, and overall idea of what a relationship should be like. I feel like I want to be independent and finally not rely on anybody because now it feels like my life is starting to get real.The past 2 times I’ve left him I ran right back only within a few days.

[catfeeder]

Being afraid of his reaction qualifies you for help regardless of whether BF has ever been abusive or not. Contact any of the Domestic Violence hotlines on the Internet for a referral to a counselor local to you who can help you plan an exit and make it stick. They can also refer you to resources if necessary.

[DanZee]

Well, I think you owe your boyfriend a face-to-face break up, but you can certainly move all your stuff out beforehand. Is he abusing you? You may want to have a friend or relative with you when you break up so he can't go ballistic on you.

[DancingFool]

If he is abusive, what Wiseman said is spot on.

 

Outside of that, sometimes you have to break up in stages so to speak. You can break the news over the phone and leave him some dignity to have a meltdown in private and give yourself some space as well. But then you still have to talk, separate things out, meet face to face for closure, handle things in a civil way. The difference is that when you do it in stages like that, the other person has a chance to calm down in between and be more civil and less crazy about things. I would just avoid getting into telling them what's wrong with them - they'll just try to change for you and that's not healthy. Better you tell him that YOU have grown and become different and so YOU no longer see things working out. Be firm, be clear, do NOT promise to be friends. The greatest gift you can give your ex is clarity that it really is over - no coming back - so they can actually deal with it, start healing and moving on. Do NOT sugar coat or leave them hoping that you will reconcile later - that's the definition of cruelty.

 

Breaking up requires you to have a spine and carry out what you know is the right thing to do for you no matter what tantrums the other person is pitching at you.

[catfeeder]

Well, I think you owe your boyfriend a face-to-face break up,

 

I disagree. Past stalking behavior disqualifies him from a face-to-face. Your safety trumps etiquette, and there are no judges or juries involved in your love life. It's not a democracy, so nobody else gets a vote. You see a pattern that keeps you feeling trapped and stagnating in a lousy relationship, and that's all you need to know in order to seek all the help you can use in navigating yourself safely and permanently away from someone who has a history of attempting to hold you hostage, whether physically or emotionally.

 

Head high, and be smart rather than 'nice'.

[Blank State]

Well, I think you owe your boyfriend a face-to-face break up, but you can certainly move all your stuff out beforehand. Is he abusing you? You may want to have a friend or relative with you when you break up so he can't go ballistic on you.

Not necessarily. Some people don't have the ability to not lash out when confronted with these things. The result is the same. You don't need to be in front of someone to break up with them. She knows what she wants to do. If he's going to act like a child, then she's better saying what she needs to say and then letting that be that.

 

And from the sounds of it, he's not going to take it well or respect her decision. She needs to look out for herself first.

[Wiseman2]

Do you live with him or your parents?

03-30-2018:So I have heavily been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I came home yesterday, and asked him if he were coming over, and he said if you give me a good reason, and then said he was expecting the best “ blow” job ever.... so I just agreed. When he came over he was being really rude. Giving me annoyed looks, not even talking to me or my family, and when my mom tried to talk to him he basically gave yes or no answers and comtinued on his phone. It was really late so I went to bed, he followed, and said he wanted one because I agreed and we haven’t seen each other in so long.