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Feeling like a good friend has forgotten about me


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I apologize in advance if this is kind of a long post. They usually are, and this one is more of a venting thing than anything, although I would be curious to hear other's experiences on this kind of thing.

 

I have this really good friend who I worked with for a few years and we got along fantastically. I'm a pretty shy person and while I have friends from when I was a kid or teenager that I still tell everything to and am completely myself around, it's rare that I find someone to open up to and show all of me to since I reached my 20s, but she was one of the few. I told her so many of my secret interests and just crazy stuff that not many people know about me and vice versa.

 

It hasn't always been perfect though. She has this habit of "dropping off the face of the earth" so to speak, and in the time I've known her (about 5 years now) she almost never answers her phone messages within 24 hours of my sending them. She's like this with a lot of people so it's not personal, although it seems like with certain people she responds right away ; I only know this from knowing her so long. It's something I've unfortunately had to get use to which my being an anxious person is not fun, when I send her a message, whether just asking how she's doing or if she wants to hang out and I don't hear back for days sometimes. I've asked her why she does this sometimes and she always just resorts to "I'm busy" and me not wanting to be a pushy person, I let it go.

 

The other thing is, she's kind of all over the map. In the time I've known her, she's had a couple different boyfriends and claimed to love them enough to marry them but then dumps them shortly after. She's with a guy now who she feels the same way about. She's also been a vegetarian for a few months before switching back and dyed her hair crazy colors, etc etc. I support her in all these things, don't get me wrong. I'm just using it as an example of ways she's flip flopped on things and I feel like I'm just being completely forgotten about.

 

I know it happens in life. I've had friends move away or just fall out of contact plenty of times. This just feels so abrupt and while I knew it may eventually happen (she's mentioned wanting to move away several times but so far nothing's come of it), I didn't expect it to feel so random or out of the blue.

 

I'm someone who doesn't like to jump to conclusions and so I've given this a long time to kind of simmer. She's had her periods where she's M.I.A. for a long time but something about this has felt more permanent. I basically haven't seen her in 4 months ; I saw her once during the holidays and that was usually our thing. We're both big Christmas nuts and do all kinds of shopping and decorating stuff together but because of her new job, she was too busy to do most of that. She even wasn't able to show up to my annual Christmas party that she was just saying the month prior she would definitely go to and is the one time a year we all get together (her and the rest of my friends and I). That kind of hurt (not because she missed it because I know work comes up but just how careless she seemed about it) and was kind of a signal to me that something was amiss but again, I don't want to pry into her personal life or "make" her tell me what's going on so I gave her more time and space.

 

I asked her to hang out a few times in the past couple months and got several excuses like she's broke, or isn't feeling well, or is working, but unfortunately, her instagram tells a different story. To be clear, I don't stalk her or anything, her instagram story just pops up on my news feed a lot and i see things, like a lot of these times she's "broke", she's out with other friends, and the same with the other excuses. I don't mind, but I wish she would just tell me that instead of making things up. It makes me feel like I did something wrong but if I ever ask, she just says she's been busy etc. etc.

 

Even reading some of this as I write it, I realize how insane I may look, but I really thought we were close friends. I don't expect to see her all the time, I don't expect to see ANYONE all the time but we use to hang out for breakfast, or see movies or do stuff together and it seems like she's just cut me out and I don't know why or if there's anything I could or should do about it. I try not to bother my other friends about this because I'm usually the one who tries to steer clear of "drama". I don't want to bother anyone else with the problems I may be having with a friend but I still do want to get it out of my system which is why I made this post and I realize people grow apart sometimes and they may just be what's happened here. In time, I may accept it. Knowing her though, she could call me next week and ask to hang out sometime, she's just so unpredictable and as I mentioned, I'm an anxious person (which she knows and has usually been understanding about) and that kind of stuff just doesn't help.

 

It doesn't help that recently after asking her to hang out and her not being able to, she made it sound like we would hang out soon, but then I see (and hear from friends) that she went out with a bunch of our mutual friends and didn't think to invite me... that also hurt my feelings a bit but I didn't bring it up because again, I don't want to seem pushy or over sensitive.

 

I apologize to anyone who made it to the end of this post but thanks for listening. It's something that's been bothering me for a while but I shove it to the back of my mind because I realize it's kind of out of my hands at this point. I hope somebody can understand what I'm going through and maybe offer some of their solutions for how they handled it in a tactful way

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm a bit like you and find it hard to really click with just anyone. I've been in your shoes and I've actually been the one who pushed someone away by not hanging out with them as much and starting to hang out with other people because I needed some space from this person and I was also going through something that I didn't want to share with this person. Things didn't go well for my friendship and I really dug deep to learn from the experience and hopefully I won't repeat the mistakes I made.

 

If you think this friendship is important enough than just give this friend space. Maybe check in with her from time to time like once a month or once a quarter or even once every six months. No harm in doing that and at the same time you keep the door open for your friendship. Friendship should be easy and not forced.

 

You are not alone. Best of luck.

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I'm a bit like you and find it hard to really click with just anyone. I've been in your shoes and I've actually been the one who pushed someone away by not hanging out with them as much and starting to hang out with other people because I needed some space from this person and I was also going through something that I didn't want to share with this person. Things didn't go well for my friendship and I really dug deep to learn from the experience and hopefully I won't repeat the mistakes I made.

 

If you think this friendship is important enough than just give this friend space. Maybe check in with her from time to time like once a month or once a quarter or even once every six months. No harm in doing that and at the same time you keep the door open for your friendship. Friendship should be easy and not forced.

 

You are not alone. Best of luck.

 

Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate it.

 

I sometimes wonder if maybe that's the case with her and she's going through something personal and doesn't want me to know. In that case, I'd feel bad for continuing to push her on it. I've pretty much been doing just that. Checking in once a month or so. She's usually friendly when she responds so I don't sense any hostility there. It's a bit disappointing though but I'm willing to stick it out. I'm the kind of person where even I don't see someone for a year or longer, I'm always their friend if they need me.

 

Thanks again!

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