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Need advice on what girlfriend said


Jaimsie
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I am a 38 year old man. 5 months ago I met a woman online. She is 34. We began dating. Things were going really well. We got on well. 4 months into the relationship I did the most awful thing. I got drunk one night and visited a prostitute. No excuses. It was an awful thing to do. I immediately felt terrible guilt and broke it off with my girlfriend within days saying she would be better off without me. I didn't tell her at the time about what I had done. I just broke it off.

She continued to contact me for a few weeks and I her. So then 2 weeks ago I thought I should confess everything if we were still in contact. So I confessed what I had done. She was shocked but said we could work things out. She suggests we go away for a week to discuss things.

 

So last week we went away to discuss things. ON the third day, she said she wanted to talk to me about something. So i said fine. She then brought up the topic of a baby. She said and I quote:' I want a baby by you whether we are together or not. You can still be part of the baby's life if we are not together. And if you don't want to part of the baby's life if you are gone before the child if 3 they won't miss you."

 

I really need peoples advice/ opinions on what she said. Is it normal? Is it strange? What do people think about what she said? Please tell me what you think.

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If you were my brother, I'd tell you to run far away. Do not sleep with her and hopefully she is not already pregnant.

She's telling you she is so desperate to have a baby , she doesn't care if the baby has a father. She wants to be a single mom. You'd still have to pay child support.

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Yikes. She's desperate. I mean wth honestly does she even realize how much a baby costs, lets lone for the next 18 plus years. Are you wealthy? She might see you as a ticket to riches for child support so be careful. Probably feels her biological clock is ticking, maybe she thinks you have good features and would make a cute baby, who knows. But I'll tell you this, DO NOT GO THERE.

 

Tell her to visit the sperm bank if she feels like being irresponsible with a child's life. What's she gonna tell the kid? Oh I had a guy get me pregnant with you because I wanted a baby , I told him no need to be your life. You're welcome. Pfffffttttttt this disgusts me as a female who is a mom, and a single mom at that, that women get these stupid ideas in their head.

There are babies in need of adoption too, if she wants her own it's understandable but then she should look for someone who has the same wants and is ready to do that. Having a baby with a guy and the possibility of exiting one another's lives is stupid. If she were already pregnant, okay. But wake up! Stay away from her.

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OP, it sounds like her biologic clock is ticking to the point that she doesn't care who she has a baby with. Don't do it. You will be liable to pay for child support and she may change her tune at any time. Having a child is an irreversible event. You don't get to take it back. Plus, you have only known each other for 5 months. You don't really know her. She may indeed be unstable.

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Run for your life. At least she did not say "dont worry, you can come inside, im on the pill". I never trust that line.

 

Women around that age start to freak out about having kids, reason being after 35 risks of kids being born with problems, increases. So she might see you as her last chance of having a family, maybe she does not find partners easily, and thinks now or never.

 

I would never ever let my son or daughter be brought up alone and without knowing how things are going for him or her. God no! I could not live with that. I will not bring kids to this world without ensuring they will have a wonderful life. So if I were you, I would run away immediately. Also remember that, depending on where you live, most likely you are obliged to pay child support no matter what.

 

Good luck.

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If you were my brother, I'd tell you to run far away. Do not sleep with her and hopefully she is not already pregnant.

She's telling you she is so desperate to have a baby , she doesn't care if the baby has a father. She wants to be a single mom. You'd still have to pay child support.

 

I agree, run the other way. No matter what she says, if you have a child with her, you are on the hook for child support for 18 yrs and will be Dad until you die. Dont do this, dont let her suck you in.

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I don't agree with everyone else.

 

The only person who can tell you what she meant, is her. So ask her.

 

If I had been financially ready and hadnt met someone, I potentially would've done the same thing. Hear me out.

 

When you go to a sperm bank, you choose a donor based on a picture and some stats. Beyond that, you have no idea what kind of genetics you're getting. It's also unnecessarily costly to be inseminated. I would've casually dated, found a guy who's personality I liked, good looks, good genetics, and presented the question the same way your girlfriend did. If you want to be around, okay, mainly because I think the child deserves the option of knowing the biological father. If you don't want to be around, fine, because I'm a great Mom and don't mind doing it on my own.

 

There are all kinds of legal agreements you can sign that relieve you of any responsibility if that's what you choose.

 

Again, we have NO IDEA what her intentions were. And neither will you unless you ASK HER.

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Don't do it. The child deserves better than a father used for stud service.

 

This makes absolutely no sense. There is literally NO difference at all between using sperm that was obtained in an office vs sperm that was obtained the old fashioned way.

 

At least if it's your sperm, the child will have the opportunity to meet you if that's what you/they desire. With a donor, it's anonymous so they'd never even have that option.

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When I first read that she agreed to see you after being dumped, left without an explanation and then to hear to risked and ruined everything by seeing a prostitute, two things went through my mind, she either desperate or you must be a really great catch.

 

If she was willing to overlook this, who am I to judge and maybe you two could skip off into the sunset.

But that coupled with wanting to have your baby?

 

Uhhhmm. NO, something is not right here.

 

Don't stick around long enough to find out and I suspect right now you are somewhat vulnerable seeing you are likely grateful she is reconsidering taking you back. But don't let that indebtedness cloud your judgment.

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This makes absolutely no sense. There is literally NO difference at all between using sperm that was obtained in an office vs sperm that was obtained the old fashioned way.

 

It makes complete sense. The difference is that there are direct feelings stemming from a romantic history between OP and this woman---the sperm donor is anonymous.

 

I want a baby by you whether we are together or not. You can still be part of the baby's life if we are not together. And if you don't want to part of the baby's life if you are gone before the child if 3 they won't miss you.

 

She wants OP to father a child with her. Only being wanted for one thing and then disposed of is not a good reason to accommodate the request. The child deserves two parents who want it more than the next breath they take. OP hasn't stated he wants children with her and the fact that he's here asking us to decipher says that children are the last thing on his mind right now.

 

According to what OP said about the week away, she didn't say "I forgive you the indiscretion with the prostitute. I really want a life with you and to rebuild trust between us and in the future, build a family together". She said she wanted him to father a baby and she's cool if he disappears after she gets pregnant.

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Since being a donor wasn’t something you have had as a life goal, then don’t be a donor.

 

Did you want to be a father? And do you think this is your only chance??? Maybe it is. Maybe you like her idea? Otherwise why are you even posting about it.

 

Most people would say-Just no and Run away. Is that your gut reaction? If it’s not, then I’d think the reason you’re considering it is the bigger question.

 

If you go through with it and don’t raise the child think of the poor kid living with a low standards mom and a missing father.

 

I agree that you should directly ask her—AFTER you know what your solid position is.

 

She might want to have a baby because it’s better for her health.

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This is a no-brainer. Run. 5 mos dating and she's talking making babies with you? Don't be a sperm donor in this bizarre, problematic situation. She is trying to do this on the cheap and rope you into it. However the legal and financial consequences could be devastating to you

5 months ago I met a woman online. She is 34. She then brought up the topic of a baby. She said and I quote:' I want a baby by you whether we are together or not. You can still be part of the baby's life if we are not together. And if you don't want to part of the baby's life if you are gone before the child if 3 they won't miss you."
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This makes absolutely no sense. There is literally NO difference at all between using sperm that was obtained in an office vs sperm that was obtained the old fashioned way.

 

At least if it's your sperm, the child will have the opportunity to meet you if that's what you/they desire. With a donor, it's anonymous so they'd never even have that option.

 

YES THERE IS.

 

An anonymous donor cannot be sued for child support.

An anonymous donor cannot sue for custody.

An anonymous donor cannot be accused of rape (if this woman is wackadoodle, who knows what she will do if things don't go how she wants)

An anonymous donor is screened for genetic compatibility (if the woman tests as a carrier for lets say cystic fibrosis, donors who carry that can be screened out and not chosen).

An anonymous donor has a known genetic history accessible to the child/mother at the time - ie, what they genetically carry to some extent because they were tested.

An anonymous donor cannot contract an STD from said woman and vice versa.

A fertility clinic screens women - if they are off their rockers completely or not physically healthy to go through the procedures they can refuse them.

 

While i don't agree with the sperm bank thing, it could be explained to the child in a different way vs the scenario that dad abandoned him/her, that mom pushed dad away, etc.

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You guys are all assuming the absolute worst. Believe me, I'm not crazy, and I would've considered the same route this woman is taking had I never met someone. Maybe she's crazy, maybe she's not....but I'm not going to assume the worst.

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