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No contact for 40 days. Should I contact him?


Winter1
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Hi! I could really need some advice right now...

 

40 days ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me due to depression.

 

We we're only togheter for about 4 months and then he moved back to his country because of work. We had a long-distance relationship for 1 month. He got really depressed when he moved back: he wasn't happy with his job, appartment or anything. He said that he felt like S*** and didn't feel like himself.

 

He broke up with me on a text. He told me that he couldn't give med the suport I needed (I was depressed too). He also had "emotional problems" that got worse when he got depressed, he found it hard to have feelings for anyone. Later he wrote that it did't mean that he never wanted to talk to me or see me again, he just could't be in a relationship right now. He said I was really amazing and he didn't want me to think that it was anything I had done....

 

Now I've been in no contact with him for 40 days (he haven't contacted me at all). Should I just let him go or should I extend the no-contact one more month? Or should I send him a text and break the silence? I really miss him so this is really hard...

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I don't think you should contact him unless something on his end has changed since you last talked to him and he's in a better emotional/mental place. The same problems will be waiting for you unless he's addressed his issues.

 

In the meantime, you should get your depression looked into. DanZee is right--two depressed people in a relationship is a recipe for unhappiness.

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Let go. Block and delete.

 

You were only together for four months, and both dealing with depression issues is not good.

 

Terrible that he didn't even have the decency to break up by phone. Find someone local.

 

Many people say that their may be a future. It is also a string along. Move on with you lfe.

 

I hope that you are seeking help for your depression.

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The thing is that I wouldnt know (if he is better). He told me before he broke up that he was going to talk to someone and start with antidepressants. I just want to ask him if he is okay, and kind of let him know that my door is open. And yes I know, but I am trying to get better, I feel much stronger now and are slowly recovering

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I would say just talk to him. It’s been a while maybe he is better just check up on him but don’t sound beg. The rule for not contacting ur ex after a break up is 30 days and it’s been 40 for u of course that’s hard since u love them... you were strong for 40 days hopefully you realized that you don’t need to be dependent on him so it’s not necessary that you get back together but he seems like a nice guy due to the fact that he told u that u could be friends and still talk. Check up on him if he’s depressed give him comfort, be there for him don’t just be depressed back to the point where he’s like this isn’t comforting this is toxic for me. You know?

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Everyone on here, and other sites like this, will say the same thing: no contact, no contact, no contact. Good advice, generally speaking. That said, sometimes in silence we can spin ourselves into a place where moving on stalls. I recently went through something like this, when my ex of six months (together 3 years) contacted me in a way that was kind of poke-y and frustrating. I sat with an icky feeling for a month, mental gears churning in unproductive ways, and eventually decided to shoot her an email—in my case just saying, "Hey, can we be cool? I care about you, and hope we can respect the space we shared by moving on with our lives gracefully." I got a nice little response, bad energy dispelled, onward and upward.

 

THAT said, it doesn't sound like you've reached the place where moving on is what you want. The "door is still open," but to what? His getting better, seeing the light, and returning? That, I'm sorry to say, does not happen in 40 days. Maybe a year, maybe more, but the point is this is the time for you to be healing and regaining your own solid core, independent of a man. He broke up with you and has not contacted you—I'd take that as a sign that he's more or less in the exact place he was in 40 days ago, which is to say a mess.

 

So just be clear what your intentions are in reaching out.

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I think you will need to close that door, OP.

 

You two had a short-lived relationship and he doesn't live in your country anymore. Even if depression weren't a factor, the logistics are really working against you. What sort of future would be possible if you were living in different countries?

 

As far as reaching out to him: I would strongly advise against it, as the response is likely to hurt. Let's say he doesn't respond at all. Or he responds but is brief and impersonal. Or he says he's still struggling, and how are you, and then the chat dies. Or, and I feel this would be the kicker - he is feeling much better, life is looking up, but still didn't bother to get in touch with you. Ask yourself if you're truly prepared for any of those replies.

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Thank you guys. These replies really helped. You are completely right. Nothing good comes from contacting him. Either way a long distance relationship wouldn't work. He is a mess and I am a mess. I lied before, I am really depressed actually (not mainly because of him but because of other things). I hurt myself sometimes and find it really hard to live in general. He knows that and two depressed people together is a bad idea.

 

When I startet NC it was because I thought I could get him back. I thought he would miss me and regret. But life doesent work that way.

 

I wish I was strong, I wish I didn't let this affect me this much, but I know time will help. A lot of time.

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This last message of yours shows real strength. You're admitting where you're at, that you need some help, owning it. A really important step. Find a therapist you connect with—I can't tell you the wonders that did for me after my breakup in the fall, when I was in a similar spin cycle.

 

It's okay that this is affecting you so much. It doesn't mean you're weak, but simply that you're human. Now is the time to explore the roots of those feelings, which I suspect go deeper than simply missing him. Anytime we're looking for someone else to fill a void we're putting a bandaid on a wound. That wound won't really heal until it is exposed and treated on your own. It won't be easy, it'll take time, but you're on a path right now toward a much better place.

 

Thinking of you and wishing you the best on that journey.

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