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On thursday last week I hooked up with a guy I have been flirting with for a while. I already knew he was not into a serious relationship and I was very aware of what I was doing. I have been single for over a year now, with no physical contact with anyone what so ever. I'm only 21 years old, and when I got the opportunity to sleep with him I just grabbet it, with full knowledge of what i got myself into. So when I got there, his and mine intentions was clear. We also talked about it abit before it happened. It was really nice, and I'm happy that I finally broke my over one year "break" from sex. He is also a guy I somewhat trust, that is why I did it with him. I do not want to sleep with anyone random. We have known eachother for half a year now, and will without a doubt meet eachother several times in the future. I know this because we work together (part time). And yes, I know what you think, you should NEVER sleep with someone you work with. But it's not that big of a deal, and I made a choise, so did he. And that's not a problem, in my opinion. Before we had sex we did not talk with eachother all the time, we did not have an instant connection emotionally. We had fun together and definivly had a physical attraction towards eachother. So I always knew that this is not someone I imagine forming a romantic relationship with. Yes, I do like him, but I know the differense between lust and love. And this is lust.

So my point is.. I want to sleep with him again. I want to have a casual relationship with him, friends with benefits. But after we had sex I have heared almost nothing from him (I have sent a few snaps, but just casual). But then again, we did not talk all the time before either. It's only been a few days, but I don't know what to expect. I suspect he is scared that I have developed feelings for him, but I know I did not do anything wrong. I know it's typical for a guy to pull away when you have sex, and that most likely it has nothing to do with me. But I want to be with him again, I really had fun. And I know the risk - I know the feelings can develop, but then I will just end it. I'm young and I want to have fun. What should I do..? Should I just forget it and move on with my life? Should I just wait and see what happens? I really don't know because this is the first time for me. I have only been in a long serious relationship before.

 

Sorry about the errors.

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If you want a fwb arrangement, then your only communication should be about hooking up, not chit chat or trying to build anything. It sounds like you are not being honest with yourself.

after we had sex I have heared almost nothing from him (I have sent a few snaps, but just casual). It's only been a few days, but I don't know what to expect.
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Okey, I did actually not know that. I seriously have no experience what so ever. I don’t think I’m lying to myself. I seriously just don’t know how to act.

 

Yep, Wiseman is right, that's how it works. You must have no expectations, and the communication will be only about when and where to hook up again. Also, don't expect to be treated like a girlfriend, more like a call girl. And after only one long term relationship, I have doubts too that you will be ok with that.

 

But you know yourself best. If you think you won't get hurt when he meets someone he actually wants to date and stops "seeing" you, then go ahead. Instead of several casual snaps, just message him or tell him in person that you are interested in hooking up again and nothing else, and to give you a shout next time he is available for sex. Then, do not contact him anymore, he will do so himself next time he feels horny.

 

But if I were you, I would think long and hard before I went down this path because I can tell you are not the casual hookups type.

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It's not typical at all for a man or a woman to pull away after having sex -it depends on the individual. Since you and he only had sex once then assume he's not interested in having sex again with you -for whatever reason -he doesn't have to tell you because you're not involved in a serious relationship -his business entirely. If you want to have sex again ask him -this isn't dating or a potential relationship -you know he doesn't want that with you - if you feel like having intercourse again call him and invite him over or make a plan to meet to have sex. It's fine that you've balanced the risks of getting attached against how fun it is to you to have casual sex. But it takes two and if it's that much fun to you and you're willing to risk getting hurt emotionally just ask him to meet up.

 

As far as your working relationship I think it's fine as long as you don't supervise him or vice versa. I originally met my husband at work. I never had casual sex though, including with someone at work so that I can't speak to.

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It's you're first casual relationship attempt and it's gonna be confusing for a while. Just like wiseman2 said, don't text him about random things. Don't think about him, don't build him up in your mind. It's just sex. Go on with your life, flirt with other men and if it happens again, it happens. get on some online dating app and chat with other guys,you don't need to go out with them; don't play with their feelings though, be honest. This is just for you to not get hooked on that one guy.

 

Right now you are preparing yourself for a normal relationship unconsciously, that's what you're used to. When you catch yourself thinking of a future with him, even if that's as simple as a date, stop. Distract yourself and do something else. Also, don't go on dates with that guy, meet up just for sex. His place or yours. No coffee/drinks etc. Avoid talking to him about personal things, you have friends to that with. Avoid him talking about personal things too, if he's not careful about that. Always remember he said he's doesn't want a relationship so any attempt of him trying to get closer to you is most likely him just needing that connection with someone and nothing more. Don't meet up often. This is the confusing part; if you start meeting up often and there's all that sharing going on and you see yourself getting closer and closer, and you develop feelings for him, you need to talk about it right away. NEVER assume you are on the same page.

 

I was in your spot a year ago and it was hard for me to go from long term relationship thinking to the casual relationship mindset, so in the beginning I found that dating other guys kept me from obsessing on that one guy who wasn't relationship materiel but the lust was strong. Even chatting with guys online helped me keep my mind clear. It get's easier the more you do it. But, I have to say, still confusing, it's just that the first guy is always the hardest.

 

 

They call it friends with benefits, but it's more like acquaintances with benefits. Keep that in mind, huge difference.

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It's you're first casual relationship attempt and it's gonna be confusing for a while. Just like wiseman2 said, don't text him about random things. Don't think about him, don't build him up in your mind. It's just sex. Go on with your life, flirt with other men and if it happens again, it happens. get on some online dating app and chat with other guys,you don't need to go out with them; don't play with their feelings though, be honest. This is just for you to not get hooked on that one guy.

 

Right now you are preparing yourself for a normal relationship unconsciously, that's what you're used to. When you catch yourself thinking of a future with him, even if that's as simple as a date, stop. Distract yourself and do something else. Also, don't go on dates with that guy, meet up just for sex. His place or yours. No coffee/drinks etc. Avoid talking to him about personal things, you have friends to that with. Avoid him talking about personal things too, if he's not careful about that. Always remember he said he's doesn't want a relationship so any attempt of him trying to get closer to you is most likely him just needing that connection with someone and nothing more. Don't meet up often. This is the confusing part; if you start meeting up often and there's all that sharing going on and you see yourself getting closer and closer, and you develop feelings for him, you need to talk about it right away. NEVER assume you are on the same page.

 

I was in your spot a year ago and it was hard for me to go from long term relationship thinking to the casual relationship mindset, so in the beginning I found that dating other guys kept me from obsessing on that one guy who wasn't relationship materiel but the lust was strong. Even chatting with guys online helped me keep my mind clear. It get's easier the more you do it. But, I have to say, still confusing, it's just that the first guy is always the hardest.

 

 

 

They call it friends with benefits, but it's more like acquaintances with benefits. Keep that in mind, huge difference.

 

I think this makes way too much of it. They are coworkers who are friendly and now they've had sex. She wants a casual sex arrangement where, optimally, when either of them is horny, they will get in touch and meet up for sex. She's overanalyzing that he has "pulled away" and this is somehow having to do with his gender when more likely he either is not interested in having sex again or will call/message her when he is.

 

Nothing confusing -I think she should act exactly the same as before they had sex with the minor change that if she is in the mood to have sex again she should ask him that directly/simply and clearly and it's ok to use a euphemism if for some reason she feels coy/shy like "want to come over tomorrow night"/

 

The only other difference is that now she has to discuss STD risks with him, testing, what kind of protection they plan to use and whether they're both on the same page should she become pregnant. (and OP that is not the "fun" part but it's also not fun to get an STD or have an unwanted pregnancy I would imagine)

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I think this makes way too much of it. They are coworkers who are friendly and now they've had sex. She wants a casual sex arrangement where, optimally, when either of them is horny, they will get in touch and meet up for sex. She's overanalyzing that he has "pulled away" and this is somehow having to do with his gender when more likely he either is not interested in having sex again or will call/message her when he is.

 

Nothing confusing -I think she should act exactly the same as before they had sex with the minor change that if she is in the mood to have sex again she should ask him that directly/simply and clearly and it's ok to use a euphemism if for some reason she feels coy/shy like "want to come over tomorrow night"/

 

The only other difference is that now she has to discuss STD risks with him, testing, what kind of protection they plan to use and whether they're both on the same page should she become pregnant. (and OP that is not the "fun" part but it's also not fun to get an STD or have an unwanted pregnancy I would imagine)

 

It is as simple, but not when it's your first attempt at casual dating. I just saw that she was already thinking too much about him pulling away (and yes it has nothing to do with gender) and just gave her some tips on how to handle the "obsessing" part that will probably come. Of course maybe I'm projecting, but I've seen this happen to other people too.

I hope she's not confused,but a lot of people are.

 

And yeah, have the STD talk and always use condoms even if this continues for months!!

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You already got naked and did the deed, so why not tell him your thoughts and find out what he thinks?

 

It is not "usual"for a guy to pull away after sex, they pull you closer to keep it coming, unless their only intent was to hit it and move on. Which means there's very little interest in making it happen again.

 

You have to be careful because there's a difference between f buddy and fwb and it the two of you have no emotional connect and don't hang out and will just meet up for sex and leave, that's not a fwb.

 

Stay unattached , don't expect contact unless it's for a hook up. Then you're not making yourself crazy trying to figure out his actions. But get out and meet and date others. Don't settle for this because surely it will end up getting you nowhere except alone again. I know you want and pursue it,for sex only, so keep your eyes open. Sex is just sex to guys. It will never bond them to you. Do not get attached.

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If you've tried communicating with him and he's been unresponsive, you need to leave the ball in his court now.

 

As the others have said, continue on as you behaved with him before. FWBs, in my experience, indeed involve a little friendly communication sometimes but generally it's not all that consistent. You hook up when it's convenient for both of you, have your fun, and go your on merry ways. There isn't usually a lot of chat in between.

 

Men also don't typically pull away after sex unless they're trying to send a clear message to the woman that there are no feelings involved and she shouldn't expect a different type of friendship/relationship now that they've done the deed. The risk here is that since you work together, it is likely to be a bit more awkward than you're anticipating. See how it plays out over the next couple weeks. Carry on as normal at work, but keep in mind that he might not be looking for the same FWB-arrangement that you are, or that he could also be sleeping with others.

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"hey, what are you doing tomorrow night ;)"

 

I guarantee he responds.

 

Exactly. Overanalyzing this is ridiculous and not worth it for a relation such as this. Ask him when you're horny or ask someone else. I also guarantee you'll have other suitors.

 

If you expect this to be a constant thing, then you will be disappointed. There are times when people just want a drive by or aren't in the mood. Those of you analyzing this more than they should...are really not helping here. Yeah yeah watch out for feelings, she gets it. It's funny when a guy asks these kinds of questions they get responses to the effect of "you go dude" or "at least you got some". When a female asks it's all, "don't kind yourself, you're developing feelings" as if women don't get horny and want nothing more.

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What if you, as a male, got this text:

 

CUM. NOW

 

I've done that and got instant replies asking where and when :)

I mean that's a little strong-willed for me but whatever works works! [emoji23] I like the what are you doing tonight winky face texts myself haha
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Exactly. Overanalyzing this is ridiculous and not worth it for a relation such as this. Ask him when you're horny or ask someone else. I also guarantee you'll have other suitors.

 

If you expect this to be a constant thing, then you will be disappointed. There are times when people just want a drive by or aren't in the mood. Those of you analyzing this more than they should...are really not helping here. Yeah yeah watch out for feelings, she gets it. It's funny when a guy asks these kinds of questions they get responses to the effect of "you go dude" or "at least you got some". When a female asks it's all, "don't kind yourself, you're developing feelings" as if women don't get horny and want nothing more.

 

I don't even think she needs to watch out for feelings. She's a single adult who claims she's aware she might get emotionally involved but the fun from the sexual encounters are worth the risk and she knows herself and can just walk away. Whether I could do that or would want to do that is irrelevant -if she says so ,let's take her at her word as a single, consenting adult. All she wants to know is why he hasn't asked her to have sex again -at face value the answer is could be any number of reasons but the good thing is that since she is cool with risking her emotions she can just text him and ask him if he'd like to have sex with her again and continue the fun she says that involves.

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I don't even think she needs to watch out for feelings. She's a single adult who claims she's aware she might get emotionally involved but the fun from the sexual encounters are worth the risk and she knows herself and can just walk away. Whether I could do that or would want to do that is irrelevant -if she says so ,let's take her at her word as a single, consenting adult. All she wants to know is why he hasn't asked her to have sex again -at face value the answer is could be any number of reasons but the good thing is that since she is cool with risking her emotions she can just text him and ask him if he'd like to have sex with her again and continue the fun she says that involves.

 

Indeed Batya :)

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Carry on just as you were before. He very well is doing the same thing since you both wanted to keep it casual. Don't overthink anything, and when the mood hits again ask him if he wants to hook up again. You'll save yourself a huge headache of wondering, overthinking, etc. if you pretend like it never happened, and treat him the way you were before.

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Thank you for all your advice and feedback. It really gave me some perspective. I get so lost in my thoughts sometimes and this forum always helps me to see things more clearly. I will stop overanalysing it, just go with what happens. I do not regret what i did, because I had fun and I wanted to do it. I'm one experience richer, and somewhat wiser.

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Thank you for all your advice and feedback. It really gave me some perspective. I get so lost in my thoughts sometimes and this forum always helps me to see things more clearly. I will stop overanalysing it, just go with what happens. I do not regret what i did, because I had fun and I wanted to do it. I'm one experience richer, and somewhat wiser.

 

You're an adult, you owe no one any explanation of no regrets ... have fun! :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 years later...

Hey, bear I mind most successful men won't marry a woman who has ever been into casual sex. And they do look for that kind of history.

If marriage isn't your lifestyle, don't worry about it, but alot of girls don't realize this until later, trying to experience everything once, but most guys I know who want marriage judge this stuff literally forever.

This is pretty common especially now since several papers alluding to permanent damage to pair bonding in women who have casual sex have been making the rounds in men's magazines/forums, increasingly the past 5 years or so, and recently all over YouTube the past month or so now.

Edited by TravisRyno
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