lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 We broke up a couple of months ago and I've accepted that our old relationship is over but I keep thinking about this.. He said that once people break up, it's over because the relationship won't be the same when you get back together and that it will feel forced. I know nothing that I do or say will change this, but I just keep thinking that if he still loved me he would want to at least try and give us a chance? Or is this just how some people are even though they love you and want to be with you? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 If he still loves you, why did you two break up? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 From what you wrote, he got tired of you screaming and yelling at him. Isn't he dating someone else? He most likely did love you, but screaming and yelling at someone can kill love. Or it made him realize that no matter how much he loved you, being screamed and yelled at wasn't worth it. It's a lesson to take into your next relationship. Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 If he still loves you, why did you two break up? He brought it up so I assumed a part of him wanted to get back together. Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 From what you wrote, he got tired of you screaming and yelling at him. Isn't he dating someone else? He most likely did love you, but screaming and yelling at someone can kill love. Or it made him realize that no matter how much he loved you, being screamed and yelled at wasn't worth it. It's a lesson to take into your next relationship. The screaming and yelling ended many months ago, and in December he told me that he wanted to marry me in the future. How did things change so quickly? Maybe he left me for this girl? Maybe I hurt him too much? Things happened too quickly and I never really got closure so my mind keeps going to think of reasons Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 The screaming and yelling ended many months ago, and in December he told me that he wanted to marry me in the future. How did things change so quickly? Maybe he left me for this girl? Maybe I hurt him too much? Things happened too quickly and I never really got closure so my mind keeps going to think of reasons It's probably a combination of both. A lot of fighting wears a person down, and can indeed change how they feel about their partner. Enter a new prospect who exhibits more emotional self-control and respect, and it's over. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Just because we love someone, it doesn't mean they are right for us. Replaying the past in your mind and things said won't change anything nor bring him back. Just try to focus on healing right now. Take care of yourself. Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Because I know a lot of people have this mindset that "once it's over, it's over", my main question is, if he one day realizes that he loves me and wants to work things out, will the fact that he believes that "once it's over, it's over, it'll never be the same etc" stop him? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Because I know a lot of people have this mindset that "once it's over, it's over", my main question is, if he one day realizes that he loves me and wants to work things out, will the fact that he believes that "once it's over, it's over, it'll never be the same etc" stop him? Well, no, because that would mean he realized it's not over. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Because I know a lot of people have this mindset that "once it's over, it's over", my main question is, if he one day realizes that he loves me and wants to work things out, will the fact that he believes that "once it's over, it's over, it'll never be the same etc" stop him? It won't ever be the same. And honestly you wouldn't want it to be the same because it didn't work. There's a very slim chance of reuniting with an ex. Some do miss their ex, it doesn't mean they want to get back together though. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stop a person who continues to love you from trying to go back. Unless it was toxic and they fall out of love. But it take two to feel that way. Most do fall out of love. Time apart and no physical intimacy causes disconnect. And if they meet someone who treats them well and makes them happy, they usually won't turn back again. If you give this time, you'll most likely find you don't want him nor are you in love anymore. It just hurts right now. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Even though it sounds like philosophy, what he is saying to you is "I'm done for good".will the fact that he believes that "once it's over, it's over, it'll never be the same etc" stop him? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Even though it sounds like philosophy, what he is saying to you is "I'm done for good". Agree. He may have been trying to soften the blow. In any case, it'd be best to grieve this relationship and move forward. Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 I know, I wouldn't want it to be the same, but because he thinks that once a couple breaks up, they can't get back together because it would feel forced, no matter how much both of them want it makes me feel like even if he realized he wanted to try, this would keep him from trying? Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 I don't agree it would be nor feel forced, if thats what both wanted. Breakups are hard to recover from, but when both put the effort and make changes, it falls into place again. Sometimes time needs to pass, and you need to miss one another, but sometimes too much time passes and you just don't reconsider the ex ever again. That's why breakups are just best left as they are, and go about life as if it was before them. If he wants to try, he will. Nothing will stop it. Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 I don't agree it would be nor feel forced, if thats what both wanted. Breakups are hard to recover from, but when both put the effort and make changes, it falls into place again. Sometimes time needs to pass, and you need to miss one another, but sometimes too much time passes and you just don't reconsider the ex ever again. That's why breakups are just best left as they are, and go about life as if it was before them. If he wants to try, he will. Nothing will stop it. I don't agree that it would feel forced either, but that's what he seems to think. I was his second girlfriend, and he's gotten back with his first girlfriend before and his experience with her made him think that second chances don't work because it will feel forced no matter how much both people want it to work. I know I can't say or do anything to change his mind, but since he brought getting back together up like that, I feel like he thought about it before but the fact that he thinks this is stopping him? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Of course it’s not the same if you get back together- why would you want it to be given that you broke up? It doesn’t need to feel forced at all. It can if you try to reconcile too soon while one or both are still hurting or if the reconciliation is one sided. My husband and I were very serious when we were on our late 20s and early 30s. We broke up and got back together almost 8 years later. We’ve now been married for several years. It never felt forced. Your ex boyfriend might have loving feelings for you but if he wanted to be with you he would choose that over fear or other obstacles like that. I would let him move on and you do the same. Who know what will happen in the future. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 Of course it’s not the same if you get back together- why would you want it to be given that you broke up? It doesn’t need to feel forced at all. It can if you try to reconcile too soon while one or both are still hurting or if the reconciliation is one sided. My husband and I were very serious when we were on our late 20s and early 30s. We broke up and got back together almost 8 years later. We’ve now been married for several years. It never felt forced. Your ex boyfriend might have loving feelings for you but if he wanted to be with you he would choose that over fear or other obstacles like that. I would let him move on and you do the same. Who know what will happen in the future. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. I'm moving on as I realize I can't change his mind, only he can. If this is what's keeping him from trying again, I just hope he one day realizes that things shouldn't be the same because the old relationship didn't work, and that things wouldn't feel forced. Even though I know I should give him space and shouldn't reach out and tell him these things, it's hard because a part of me keeps nagging me to. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 It sucks when you can't say what you want to. Just hold onto those thoughts and if ever he reaches out you can say it then. But only if he wants to rekindle the romance. Not as fwb though. Run if that offer ever gets thrown out to you lol Link to comment
lbax0 Posted March 30, 2018 Author Share Posted March 30, 2018 I have to keep forcing myself not to reach out and it does really suck :( When he told me that, I told him that it won't be the same, but it can be good if the two people communicate and work through their problems, and he told me to trust that what he's saying is true. So I think he actually believes it. Even if he believes this is the case, but still loves me and wants to try, do you still believe that if he wants to try, nothing will stop him? Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Yes. Nothing would stop him. I think he was trying to let you down easy . But listen nothing in life is guaranteed. All you can do is move on and one day he might return. Just don't live as if if will happen. That will hold you back. If you still love him if he does return, then you try. If not, you don't. I can guarantee you though that feelings you have that seem so real and strong will dissipate with time apart. You change, they change , everyone takes a new direction. Sometimes you find you're better apart. It just really hurts in the beginning. Hurts in the middle too. And the end part too sometimes lol. But once youre healed, you're golden. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 I'm moving on as I realize I can't change his mind, only he can. If this is what's keeping him from trying again, I just hope he one day realizes that things shouldn't be the same because the old relationship didn't work, and that things wouldn't feel forced. Even though I know I should give him space and shouldn't reach out and tell him these things, it's hard because a part of me keeps nagging me to. What is keeping him from trying again is simple - he doesn't want to. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is keeping him from trying again - he is choosing it. He's not going to wake up and realize anything one day. If he misses having you in his life and wants you back in his life and wants to make the effort to have you back in his life even if means choosing you over fear, he will make the effort and make that choice. If you convinced him that it wouldn't be forced and he "believed" you, then even if he was "convinced" to reconcile it would last only as long as it was exciting for him because he wouldn't be choosing to commit to reconciling and making it stick. Never convince anyone to be with you. If you want any hope of having him back give him twice the space he seems to need. If you want short term gratification and the excuse of "I need "closure"" then reach out and go for the short term gratification of him reassuring you with sweet nothings about how he's too "scared" and it's not you, it's him, etc. If you're disciplined now it will help you move on and if there's any chance he might want to reconcile then giving him space is the only way. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 He doesn't want to be with you, OP. That is what will keep him from trying again, not some motto. You're attaching too much value to those specific words and not enough to the underlying problem of him not having the right feelings for you anymore. When someone wants to be with you, they will find a way to make it happen. Unfortunately, he isn't doing that. Link to comment
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