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How big of a number of past partners is too big?


ironpony

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The woman I am dating asked me my number of partners from before and I said about 40-50. She was really shocked actually, like really shocked.

 

However, I'm 33 and 40-50 at that age, isn't that bad, is it? I mean the number would get bigger over the years, and since a lot of my dating experiences didn't last long, wouldn't 40-50 be normal? Or is that shockingly large?

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I don’t think those conversations lead anywhere good.

 

This... I can't say I have been asked this by anyone I have dated recently, thank god... I would probably tell them it was none of their bidnaz and all they need to know is that I've had no complaints.

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Perhaps the propensity to commit goes down, not sure. My last gf I was faithful to her the whole time for four years so I don't think I have a commitment problem.

 

Basically when she was shocked and asked 'why', I told her it's hard to find a woman who is interested in a relationship compared to short term. A lot of women want long term, it's just a much harder challenge to keep them interested for long for me, I told her.

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You are asking how many sexual partners someone *should* have. There isn't an answer to that. It's completely subjective. I'm 33 and have had more sexual partners then that.

 

I’ve seen reports that, once someone gets over 12 partners, their propensity to commit goes way down.

 

That's not true at all. It's just sex negative reflex to assume that. I know a LOT of sexually experienced folks who are very committed, including myself. I spent a lot of time exploring and figuring out what I liked and who I liked before I committed.

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I wouldn't date you, lol

 

Any guy that's thrown out a number higher than ten I haven't dated! Of course they lie anyway.

 

I don't lie, and I think I should haha because I've had it thrown back in my face during arguments and I'm not even off two hands and counting my toes yet! And I hope I don't but hey any things possible when my relationships fail lmfaoooo

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I think it’s really high.

 

I’ve seen reports that, once someone gets over 12 partners, their propensity to commit goes way down.

 

It would certainly be a red flag for me. That being said, you don’t have to talk about it.

 

I second this. Some people would find it off-putting and gross, and others wouldn't be bothered. It's all subjective.

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Nobody really wants to know that number. It's just something they ask thinking it will help them get to know you better. In reality, you are secretly being judged. From my experience, a nice mid- to high single number works best like a 7. Just remember that number for future questions about the same thing. Women never forget.

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It's a very insecure loaded question and whoever is asking is going to judge you no matter what you say. Probably best to decline answer and change topics. Some things are just none of their business.

 

As for high/low. Honestly, I'd consider you high mileage for your age. Is that good or bad? It all depends doesn't it? I'd certainly wonder if you are perhaps too indiscriminate on who you'll jump in bed with, aka cheap and easy...lol... Then again, if it was the wild days of college and then you grew up, figured out what and who you want, then it's all good. The question is who are you today. That said, yes, expect that people will judge who you are today based on your past or whatever you share about it. It might not be fair or accurate, but it is what it is - human nature.

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Do ONS count?

 

 

NO!!!!!! Lol

 

Of course they do. If there was penetration :)

 

What if someone wanted to know how many people we've kissed or messed with without actual intercourse?

Would there be a number that would be too high then? Hmmmmmmm

 

We only care about the actual intercourse sex but oral sex can be sex. Wow how confusing .

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I love that people are telling you to lie. That’s super great to do in a relationship. Nothing like building off of a lie to have a sturdy foundation.

 

I’m an open book about my sexual history and it’s only made for more honest connections with my partners.

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That conversation never ends well, I try my best not to have it. If your numbers aren't close, the discussion just causes problems.

 

Subjectively, and everyone will have a different opinion, I think that number is high. But I've also never done a ONS.

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There is a study (Google it) that shows more partners make you more likely to divorce (at least with women married more recently).

 

It’s by the U. of Utah. So sure, the source may be biased, but I would buy in to it. I would wonder if lots of sex partners mean you easily get bored with people.

 

That doesn’t mean you - or everyone - or ANYONE! - do, but that’s what I would think.

 

I never said you should lie. But you don’t have to talk about it.

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Yes, it's shockingly large. I would think around 10, even at age 33 is about right. But even then, that's a bit more than what anyone would hope for. The goal for most people is to find someone to have a serious relationship with, not to bed jump from one to the next.

I personally wouldn't date anyone with a number as large as 40. It's not very attractive at all.

 

That's my personal opinion.

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There is no number. I want to know if there's a disease or infection I should be aware of or if you've got a kid. Beyond that, your sexual history is none of my business at all. And I don't say that out of any sort of embittered apathy. The question genuinely doesn't concern me. Speaking personally, I've got enough experience to be satisfied with my bucket list before settling down. I couldn't give you an exact figure-- not because it's some astronomical amount, but that I honestly couldn't be bothered to count. I'd venture to guess a more varied experience than a lot of others, though.

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I have had one sexual partner. Maybe that gives me a different view in it but I honestly wouldn't care what the number is.

 

I would care a lot more if they had ever cheated on a partner.

 

Or you know, the quality of their personality and compatibility with me.

 

But whether you have had 5 or 50 partners, it is a lot more than me. So it doesn't seem much different to me.

 

I just can't fathom judging so much on something that isn't truly indicative of ANYTHING. Correlation and causation are not the same thing.

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Perhaps the propensity to commit goes down, not sure. My last gf I was faithful to her the whole time for four years so I don't think I have a commitment problem.

 

Basically when she was shocked and asked 'why', I told her it's hard to find a woman who is interested in a relationship compared to short term. A lot of women want long term, it's just a much harder challenge to keep them interested for long for me, I told her.

 

How did she react and what did she say when you told her that?

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That amount would turn me off, but that's me personally. I'm not into hookups at all and someone who sleeps around prob will get bored w/one partner. If a guy has that many partners, that shows me he isn't going to be the committed type. Plus w/that many partners that's a huge for STDs.

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Let's do the math, shall we? Rounding up to 50 partners since, say, age 16. That is a little more than 3 partners a year since then.

 

That does not point towards longterm success in commitment. Unless of course you want to front load a lot of experimentation in the first 5-10 years, and tapering off since then? Or, still playing with the math, slow start with a spike in the your 20s?

 

In all cases, with that number, a full panel of STIs should be tested by you if you want to get this lady to be comfortable with the idea of intimacy. Shared with her, of course.

 

Many say it is nobody's business who and how many you were intimate with in a lifetime. You can make that case, sure.

 

But if you are a high number person wanting a low number person's interest, and if that low number person really does not want a high number person intimately, then you owe them that respect.

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This is my take on it. It really should be a thought out process to get naked and get into bed with someone. A person should really think it out and make a careful decision. It shouldn't be taken lightly.

To me, it shows how responsible that person is.

If you're the type of person to be intimate with whomever and make the decision to sleep with someone on a whim and as easily as that, I would not see you as very responsible.

 

Sex can be a big deal. It can cause STD's that will harm someone or can be a lifetime incurable thing. It can cause problems as well with whom you decide to be intimate with. They might not be good people or they might cause problems in your life down the line. As well as even worse outcomes such as (god forbid) AIDS or something along those lines.

In this day and age, a person needs to be careful. They need to think out their choices very carefully as they can have lifelong consequences.

Someone who is sleeping with that many people, in my humble opinion, is not thoughtful nor responsible.

 

This also seems to go across many other areas of a person's life.

If they are irresponsible with sex, they can easily be irresponsible in other areas of their life and this is not what anyone would want in a partner.

It does seem to show how committed a person can and cannot be, or how trustworthy they may or may not be.

 

I would rather choose someone with a low number, who has been very careful and has been very thoughtful on whom they bring into their bed. It should be a bigger decision and not something to do so carelessly.

Someone who is more thoughtful like that is also someone who is more careful with their body and their actions. I think most people would want someone more like this.

 

This is why higher numbers are not very attractive to a lot of people. It has more to do with the underlying possibilities of what those numbers might mean.

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This also seems to go across many other areas of a person's life.

If they are irresponsible with sex, they can easily be irresponsible in other areas of their life and this is not what anyone would want in a partner.

It does seem to show how committed a person can and cannot be, or how trustworthy they may or may not be.

 

Cars kill more people then sex does. And we don’t shame people for liking to drive. You are parroting a sex negative attitude. You don’t have to have a bunch of sexual partners. Your assumption that because Of the number of partners I have had I’m irresponsible is sex negative. You are inffuring shame on sex that doesn’t need to be there.

 

Make your choices however you want but don’t turn your internalized sexual shame on others.

 

Sex is not dirty or wrong and how I choose to be sexual doesn’t mean anything about my ability to commit and it has zero to do with my trustworthy-ness.

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