Scared to start dating after a bad break up

[stephanie86]

Fro my past history posting here before, if your familiar with me, I went through a bad, toxic, sad and heart breaking breakup a year and a half ago. My ex remains in my life and it´s been ridiculously difficult to get over her being close (I help her in her business). I have cried my ass off, been to hell and back, and I now feel a bit of resentment and anger to what we had, being that she said really hurtful horrible things. Which, now without love goggles, I understand and admit that THAT was in her heart. She has had issues before in her life. Bad break ups. One which marked her very much in her life. She still has hang ups over a GF that she had years ago, and now I see that we would never be able to be happy and for her to take good care of my heart, if she was only half in on our relationship. I see now with peace (tho´I still get teary eyed when I think about it a bit because I did love her with all my heart) that we would never be able to be together like that. For now, I miss her from time to time, we sometimes hang out, but I feel like I am starting to drift. This is new for me. I have committed to yoga (which, if you are going through a break up I recommend 100% to try it, it´s so soothing) and I changed my eating habits which have made me loose pounds and boosts my confidence.

 

So in the middle of this loving my self again, I have met a girl on instagram. We talk a lot about our cats. She seems healthy, really pretty. I think she is a bit used to the attention she can get just by being pretty, so I don´t play along and let her think that she can get away with any behavior just because of her good looks, and by behavior I mean me asking her how her day was and her just replying her part not caring about mine. Or not looking for me unless I look for her, which makes me feel very insecure. I have´t had sex in almost 3 years. I have had a bad break up. I don´t want to look for someone on account of being "lonely" because I am actually finally starting to enjoy my self and to set goals. Of course she boosts my confidence, but I don´t want to be needy. So, my heart immediately gets ruffled, but my mind knows better, and I am keeping disciplined. She is also friends with an ex friend and and ex gf of my ex gf, so that is a code red for me. I like how we both enjoy keeping healthy, we both like the beach, we both like our cats. I told my ex about me meeting this girl and she seemed careless. I don´t know what to do. I don't over think the fact of this girl, because this is just something that is happening, yet I want to be by my self and that is a discipline I am keeping, I owe my self, my heart, my peace, that much. I´m really protective of my self right now. I do want to have sex, but not this way, I would like to feel loved again when someone touches me. My heart too feels a tug when I think about dating someone and my ex witnessing that. I can´t believe she wouldn't care having me around like that when it is something I would have never done to her, I was so loyal, BUT, I am realistic and know that I have moved on, and I take pride of my ethic and values.

 

I haven´t dated in a long time, I´ve forgotten about how this goes. My friends think I should start dating, that it would be good for me, yet, I feel so scared of getting hurt even though I´m not entering a new relationship, just dating. Has anyone experienced this before?

[nutbrownhare]

I leave it at least a year between the end of a relationship and starting to date others. With my two particularly bad breakups, it was over three years before I felt ready to date again. The time spent single was time well spent.

 

If you give a **** about what your ex thinks, chances are you haven't really let go. Also, don't be swayed by what your friends think would be good for you. Using someone new to help you get over a bad breakup never works and just ensures that you postpone the healing you need to do. If you're finally getting to feel happy on your own, continue to build on that until you reach a stage where you can feel 100% confident that you CAN be happy without a relationship, and that it's an add-on to a rich, fulfilling life.

 

Or, to put it another way, love comes from a full heart, not an empty one. Sharing values is more important than physical attraction or sharing interests if you want a worthwhile relationship, and it all takes time to find out what makes someone else tick. Don't be afraid to give yourself both time and space to heal.

[DanZee]

Wow. You've got a lot of baggage here. You're still not over your gf, which is probably because you're still helping her in her business, so you can't get over her.

 

I'm not clear about your relationship with the girl you met on Instagram. Have you met her in real life? The Internet is too much of an emotional crutch. I understand about her being an ex gf of your ex gf. It's not exactly a clean slate there.

 

Time wise, you should probably be dating, at least casually. But with what you wrote, I wonder if you're ready for it. It seems like it will just be a rebound relationship, something to get over your ex. Now, that's OK. But just approach it casually and don't get too wrapped up in it. And try not to think or compare the girl to your ex. Just go with the relationship. It might not be everything you want or need, but it will help you heal and recover your social life. And you never know, it could turn into something long lasting.

[Andrina]

Not only is staying "friends" with your ex bad for closure, it might drive away a potential new love. I know I wouldn't date a guy who still stayed in touch with an ex, especially when he still missed her and wished it hadn't ended, and even if you don't voice these things, women are quite intuitive.

 

If you have baggage, I don't recommend dating. When you get to the point of having a fulfilling life solo, you will be ready to date. At that point, your mindset should be: Let me take one day at a time with this woman and see if we're compatible. If we're not, I will move on. Don't project to the future. Take each date as enjoying each's other's company. Don't communicate more than 2 weeks without setting up a date, as chemistry can only be determined in person. Good luck.