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Jaki987
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Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together for half a year now. A few months ago I discovered that my boyfriend smokes and made it clear that I didn’t like this habit. He agreed to quit and seemed to be doing quite well until this month when he started coming home smelling like cigarettes. Last night I woke up while him and his roommate were talking (a female roommate, both of them speak Japanese). Having a very basic level of Japanese I was unable to understand most of what they said and only picked out a few words; my name, my age, his friends, me going home, something about a baby, sex and something about me hating something and him not liking something (sorry that this is very vague, but it’s all I could catch) from what I got what he was saying was not good. I’m very uncomfortable with him complaining about me to his female roommate but on top of this his roommate (who smokes) either offered him a cigarette or he asked for one (I’m not entirely sure which but I think she offered and he intially refused but ultimately ended up smoking and later asking her for one). I’m pretty sure he smoked at least 3 cigarettes (all while thinking I was asleep) when I finally got fed up and pretended to get up for the washroom he quickly tried to hide it but I’m sure he was smoking. I’m not sure what to do about this. I had asked him before if he was smoking behind my back because I could smell it on his clothes (and later his breath) but he said it was from his friends and that he had quit. I’m pretty sure he’s been lying to me this whole time now and I’m finding it very hard to trust him now or believe that he’ll ever be able to give it up, but I still love him and want to have a future together. Would it be better to break things off now or try to confront him about it or compromise?

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I dated a girl who smoked for a year and although she tried to be good about it, you could also smell it on her and it took away some of the fun of kissing and being close. I don't know how people coped with it when half the population smoked in the 1940s and 1950s. Smoke wasn't the primary reason I broke up with her, but it was one of the reasons. I would advise you to break up with your boyfriend sooner than later.

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Op: You know he is a smoker and if you've never been addicted to nicotine then you won't understand just how addictive it is. "They" say that quitting smoking is as hard as rehabbing off of heroin so give the guy a break. It took me three tries before I finally quit and I've now been smoke free for six years.

 

Either break up with him and tell him if he ever quits to give you a call after he's been smoke free for a year or stay with him but be a little more supportive. If he's not using any smoking cessation products then his chances of not being successful are high. Is he on a nicotine patch, zyban or nicotine spray? If not suggest he try them.

 

As for the conversation with the room mate. You don't know enough Japanese to understand exactly what they were saying so jumping to conclusions about that does no one any good. If its bugging you to distraction then communicate with HIM and ask him about if what you assumed is accurate.

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It depends on how much of a dealbreaker smoking is for you. These days it would be for me, though I did date smokers for years.

 

You also need to separate out what this is really about. If you're annoyed with him because he has disobeyed you - even though it didn't impact on you at all - that's about control. This is not good in any way, shape or form.

 

If it doesn't impact on you, and you can tolerate the smell, then compromise.

 

If, on the other hand, he comes in smelling like ****, stinks your home out with the smell of cigarettes, leaves burn holes in your clothes and furniture, and periodically sets light to your hair because he can't be bothered to move away while he lights up - break it off now.

 

Giving up smoking altogether can be absolute hell for some people, and you have to be very, very motivated to do it. It is never wise to carry on in a relationship working on the assumption that the other person's going to change, and if you want a future with him then I guess you'll need to accept that smoking will be part of it.

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I mean he already does it out of your way enough you have to ask whether he smoked or not. Granted, he's got the smell on him, but that's going to come with the territory regardless of how much you "compromise." And I'm assuming he's not lighting up in your own living room, so I'm not sure what concessions you're looking for him to make absent dropping the habit altogether.

 

Speaking personally, smoking's a no-go for me. Given that, I wouldn't keep seeing one hoping they changed or amended their habit for my benefit. They're free to find a fellow smoker, find someone who's tolerant of it, or make a change for themselves. Particularly all of 6 months into a relationship, I'm not a particular fan of trying to change the other person's habits.

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I agree with the others here; you knew he was a smoker. Giving up smoking is incredibly hard for most people so if you want this to work, I think you need to be a little more patient and understanding.

 

No, he shouldn't lie about it but he clearly does so because he's trying to avoid upsetting you.

 

So my advice? I would try to compromise. If he actually wants to quit, work together to find a method that is more effective than whatever he's currently doing. But the key is if he wants to quit. If he's doing it only to appease you, it won't work. But be careful not to treat him like your rebellious teenage son along the way.

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Unfortunately he's not going to change for you. It would be better to end it and date nonsmokers, than to think that by being the weed and tobacco police, you'll be happy and he'll change.

02-05-2018: my boyfriend (27 y/o) and I (19 y/o) have been dating for the past few months. Normally I do not get involved with guys who smoke cigarettes or weed as I find the smell distasteful, however, my current boyfriend used both.
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Yes, addicts lie and hide and do some other pretty bad things. When an addict tells you that they are going to quit, you smile politely and tell them to contact you when they actually have and then you move on. I guarantee you that you won't hear from them again because they haven't actually managed to quit.

 

In general, when it comes to dating, never ever get involved or stay in a relationship hoping that the person is going to change. The right person for you won't need to change - they are already good as is. Time for you to cut your losses with this guy and just walk away. At your age, there is no reason for you to deal with lies and drama from some old dude trying to manipulate you and hoping you are too young and naive to see through that. Yuck. You can sooooo do better than him.

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If smoking is a deal breaker for you the way it is for me, I'd say end it. I've never intentionally dated a smoker. I've dated a woman who started smoking while we were together, and I dated on who I found out after we were together was on again/off again smoking for years. The one thing I've discovered, the addiction was always so powerful it would win. I don't understand the mentality, but in my case both girls continued to smoke, they just did it behind my back and tried to hide it.

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