Ex bf requested me on FB, I asked him to meet with me and we did

[Guesst]

I had an ex boyfriend who poked me and fb requested me out of the blue a week ago. This person dumped me 3 years ago. And because he requested me, I accepted, and I had asked him if he wanted to meet and catch up because I thought maybe he wanted to get back together. I also wanted answers about why he broke up with me. He said he did want to meet and this was last week. He immediately set up a day and turned it into dinner. We met up last night and it was fun and I thought we had a good connection and at the end I asked him why he requested me and he told me he only requested me cause he wants to be friends, and that because he just got out of a 2 year relationship he wants to be single and then put himself out there again in the summer. So i had gotten my hopes up for nothing. It's like he dumped me a second time. I didn't see a point in him poking me, requesting me, and agreeing to meet me if he wasn't interested in anything more. It's been 3 years. He did it obviously for the attention and ego stroke. He didn't even remember why he dumped me the first time. He said it was nothing i did wrong or nothing wrong with us, it just wasn't working out. Yeah ok, you don't even know why you dumped me. And if you wanted to be friends you would've requested me 3 years ago. Funny he wanted to be friends AFTER his 2 year relationship ends. He said the attraction is still there but he can't give me more and doesn't want to hurt me or get hurt. He said he's friends with some of his exes and thought it would be ok. I told him I don't do that especially after the way it ended, you don't just pick back up as friends like it never happened. He should've just left me alone. He should've never tried that mess with me. He should've never poked and friended and gone out with me. I unfriended him. And now I feel like like a fool because when I asked about why he requested me he was like did you think me requesting you was more? I unfriended him as soon as I got home. And I feel like I'm never gonna find anyone who treated me the way he treated me back then. It was 3 years ago and I haven't found a guy like that again yet. I feel I'm never going to find someone who is attentive and relationship focused like that again. I'm pissed off, hurt and distraught. I feel like we broke up a second time and now I have to heal from this too now.

[marko1878]

I feel really sorry for you but you need to face your feelings otherwise you can't move on.

 

You obviously still have feelings for this guy but you are contradicting yourself. One minute you are saying you haven't found anyone that treats you like he did yet he's meeting up with you without being clear. You are better off without this guy but also any other guy that doesn't compare.

 

I've been there and there is nothing worse than being single and feeling alone at times but that doesn't mean you rush into a wrong relationship as then you won't be single when the right person comes along.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but if you can get closure get it and move on.

[katrina1980]

Well to be fair, all he did was "poke" you, the fact *you* assumed it meant he wanted to get back together and getting your hopes up because of that assumption, is on YOU not him.

 

It had been three years after all, curious as to why you had not moved on after all that time?

 

That said, it's anyone guess as to why he poked you.

 

After all that time, and his relationship ending, he may have been reminiscing and thought of you.

 

So he sent you a poke on FB which in the grand scheme means jack ****.

 

Again the fact you chose to read so much into it is on you.

 

Another possibility is that he was considering trying again, hence the dinner, but after seeing you again *in person*, and spending real time, decided against it, he just want feeling it.

 

But who knows really, fact is he does not wish to get back together.

 

Since you did and can't be friends, unfriend him on FB and try to move on.

 

After three years, it's time don't you think?

 

Good luck moving forward!

[Hollyj]

I think you need to focus on why you are not over this after three years. He never told you that he wanted to get back together, he only wanted a FB friend. You took it to another level, all on your own. He never said he wanted any reconciliation. I'm sorry, but you took this somewhere, it should not have gone. Stop seeing yourself as victim, here.

 

You should block people in the future.

 

Have you sought any therapy?

[MissCanuck]

A social media Friend request isn't an invitation to reconcile, OP. I don't know how you arrived at that assumption, beyond some very wishful thinking.

 

I don't think he messed you around. He probably just assumed that it's water under the bridge and there'd be no hard feelings after 3 years, so you two could be friendly again. I understand you are hurt and disappointed, but I think this huge let-down was largely your own creation. Your expectations were sky-high but he gave you no indication that they should be.

[SooSad33]

No no no... I think YOU are the one to automatically assume this is what he wanted.. because of him contacting you.. to be a 'friend'.

But, I feel you set yourself up here... thinking it was going to be more :/.

 

Can you just be his friend.. is the Q?.

Sounds like YOU are not over all of this yet...

 

But, yeah, you have the right to explain yourself and NOT accept him as just a 'friend'.

 

No, we cannot always just be 'friends' with an Ex. Sometimes, if we get over them, it is possible.

 

Now... yes, get over this again and keep going on with your life. Things just went the wrong way with this, for you.

[LC8328]

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry for all this.

 

"And if you wanted to be friends you would've requested me 3 years ago. Funny he wanted to be friends AFTER his 2 year relationship ends."

 

That's not how it works. Sometimes when you're not in a relationship anymore, you think about people in your past. Some, not all, people do not contact exes out of respect for their current partner. You need to take his words for face value.

 

I am very sorry that you're hurting. I'm sure he didn't know that contacting you at this time would not be good for you and set you back a bit.

 

It will get better with time. For now, it's good you unfriended him, and the less you think about him the better.

[SweetGirl28]

Three years is a long time to have thought he was going to want to be back together again.

He didn't really do anything wrong, you assumed it might be to reconcile because you have feelings still.

You will find someone else just as great, but not until you completely let go of the thought of him.

 

I just messed up today too with my ex. Sometimes we cause our own pain and we need to stop doing that.

It's best to leave an ex as an ex, and unless you truly had a friendship with them to start with, don't be in contact ever.

I honestly don't think I'd ever reply to one who I had no contact with for three years because I'd automatically assume they were bored or lonely and just reaching out until they found their next partner.

[Guesst]

After 3 years, why hasn't HE moved on? Why ask me that question? I didn't get in touch with him first. He got in touch with ME first. So the question should be asked to him, not me. You also don't know how the relationship ended either. It was very vague and confusing the way he ended it. He never gave me an explanation. To come back after 3 years after the way he vaguely ended it and pretend like everything is okay is not normal and it's not okay with me, and it did stir up a bunch of questions and feelings, and rightfully so. There is nothing at all odd or abnormal about the way I responded to this. And I have a right to ask him to meet up and get closure about about the breakup and why he randomly connected on social media. And a fb poke and friend request can mean a lot of things. Of course there can be a motive behind it. We all know dumpers have motives when they come back randomly to be friends. Let's not act high and mighty and act like you've never had an ex who ended things vaguely and abruptly and then came back after years and connected on social media and wanted to be "friends". Let's not act like it didn't phase you. I googled it and there are tons of articles where people asked about why an ex would connect on social media again, and want to be friends, especially when they didnt start as friends like in my situation, and there are tons of conclusions that have been made about the dumper's motives, and there have been many articles of people saying they asked the ex to coffee to get answers as to why they connected. I can do that and I did. Many people here I'm sure have had an ex connect over social media and then have analyzed it, so do not be judgmental and high and mighty, and make "have you sought therapy" comments. The difference is, instead of sitting around wondering why he connected with me like many here do, I asked him in person, and I have my answer now and I have taken care of it. And I have a right to my feelings as well. Again, you do not know how it ended or the details about any of that. So don't get judgmental about the fact that I was emotional as well.

[MissCanuck]

He did move on, OP. His most recent relationship is proof of that.

 

It's time for you to do the same. You can be defensive and self-righteous, but he didn't ask you for a date. That would be different. Instead, it was you who asked him to meet up. Not the other way around. Adding you on Facebook was insufficient evidence to support your assumption that he wanted you back.

 

You have to learn to let go of this and not give yourself false hope. That's what led you to this heartbreak all over again.

[Guesst]

You do not know him or the situation to be speaking to me like I'm a crazy, defensive self righteous person. You dont know me, him or the situation, so again. Stop acting judgemental and holier than thou and talking like you know me. He did NOT move on if he's connecting with me 2 months after his relationship ends. If HE connects with ME, I have every right to think whatever I want to think at that point, especially since I know him and the situation and you dont. And he does not get a pass for his behavior and I will not let you give him a pass, and talk to me like I'm crazy. Again, there was nothing at all off about the way I handled it, and there was no good reason for him to connect with me. And I've had relationships too, so if you're going to say that his relationship is evidence that he's moved on, um, I have too because I've been in relationships too. I had a relationship that ended in the fall and I was more in love with that guy than this other guy. The issue is he didn't treat me the way I like to be treated. Guess what I didn't go do? I didnt go connect with this other guy on social media after my relationship ended. I didn't even think about him until HE connected with ME. So again, stop telling me what I need to do and speaking to me like you know me and the situation. What HE should've done was left me alone and HE should've moved on. We're not going to try to make me out to be one that needs to move on when HE connected with ME first. And you don't know WHAT his motive was. I'm pretty sure he did in fact have a motive. After the meeting I figured out what it was. And I ended that motive. And since I blocked him now he will really move on. And again, search Google for hundreds of people asking for advice on situations just like my mine. So again, stop with your judgements and acting like I'm the crazy one.

[MissCanuck]

Why did you bother asking for advice if you don't want to hear it?

 

You're already convinced you've got this all figured out, so I am not sure what your purpose is in posting this thread.

[Guesst]

Of course I can reply to comments if people get judgemental and make comments like "Have you sought therapy?" That was completely unnecessary. There's nothing at all odd about this situation or my response to it which should've been expected. I'm not some weirdo with an unusual situation here. And if you're going to tell me that I need to move on, but you're saying he moved on just cause he had a relationship, which, I did too, then yes I think that's important for you to know, that yeah, I also had a relationship recently end like he did too. And I never connected with him after it ended. So I'm being fair to me by adding that information in since you said having a relationship means you've moved on and you said I didn't.

 

It was a painful breakup for me and weird, and he had no explanation when it happened, so yes, if he comes back 3 years later connecting with me on social media, absolutely unresolved feelings and questions will occur within me. This is an ex board. You people are not strangers to these feelings and situations. So no, I'm not going to be made to feel like I'm crazy and weird for mine.

 

And clearly I posted in this thread because I was upset and I vented. Like everyone does on this board?

[Young mind]

I know it feels great to have an ex come back in whatever fashion, many pray for this, but it's not always for clear reasons.

As a man , I think he had a dry spell or probably his gf dumped him and he's looking to get over it quickly.

Your healing might be restarted if you plunge into this route.

If you can have an open mind on those meetings it will great, but if you're sure you can't, its best to cut him off