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Hi all. I've got a situation on my hands. I live with a male friend and ex-roommate of mine that I once dated, years ago. Before this roommate moved in, we agreed we would not bring dates inside our home, to ensure neither of us has to worry about jealousy.

 

Prior to my current roommate moving in, a male friend of mine, Jay (whom I've never been romantically involved with, and who might even be a virgin,) asks to crash at my place in a few months, as he's planning a little road trip. Of course I say sure I'd welcome him. Then my roommate/ex moves in a month or two later, and a month or two after THAT, Jay reminds me of his upcoming road trip, and now he knows the dates, and wants to confirm it's okay. Welllll, I'll have to run it past my roommate.

 

And my roommate is against the idea. But he won't say he opposes the idea because he's afraid I'll get romantically involved or have fun with Jay, he doesn't make any mention of the possibility of jealousy. No, he claims he's against the idea because he's become fearful of meeting new people since acquiring a new sickness a couple years ago. He claims he's against the idea because he wants to become clean&sober in the next month, and...if I have a friend visit as soon as he becomes sober, he'll probably relapse, and he doesn't want to relapse.

 

Later, he admitted these claims were false. They were attempts at manipulation. He didn't want to admit the real reason was jealousy. This is one of a few breaches of trust I've encountered since my roommate friend moved in.

 

Anyway, my roommate decided to flee town when Jay was visiting. He opted to flee, despite my telling him I sort of let my friend down, and only allowed Jay to crash in the living room one night, instead of allowing his original 2-3 night request. (My attempt at compromise.) While roommate was gone, I felt liberated! I could have friends over, I could be home or leave home whenever I wanted, and hang out in the kitchen/living room whenever I wanted. It wasn't until my roommate left town and I felt liberated, that i realized how oppressed I'd been while he was around.

 

While roommate was gone, I also left -- about a week later. It turns out he arrived back home later the same day that I left home for my trip -- we haven't seen each other in over two weeks. Anyway, I just got back home yesterday, and I saw my roommate as I parked my car. He was sitting in his car. We made eye contact, and I waved my arms full of stuff at him as walked toward the front door.

 

He came in about 15 minutes after I arrived home from my trip, while I was in the kitchen, and he avoided me and went straight for his bedroom. He avoided me all day yesterday, and today. Not so much as a "Hi," much less a "Welcome home," or, god forbid, a hug.

 

Today, at work, I receive a text message from him, confessing that the trip he went on didn't gain him money like he had initially thought. So he's asking for advice on acquiring government assistance in this new town.

 

This is my roommate/friend/x-partner's first communication to me, a day after i arrive home.

 

And a minute later, another text, saying "Also, welcome home," with a short apology for being so aloof.

 

What I want to say is, "Whatever you do, don't ever join a welcoming committee." Or, "Coldest welcome ever." Or, "Now that you're looking for advice, you decide to text me an afterthought welcome home?"

 

But I probably shouldn't say any of these. Help: What's my line? Is there a good, fitting reaction to this bullzhiz?

 

Before he moved in, I considered my roommate one of my very best prior roommates, and one of my best friends, and even a good enough x-partner. Even after he moved in, with a couple ups and downs, I thought we were solid enough that we always had each others backs, like adopted family. Now I'm having my doubts. I've definitely lost some trust with this guy. I'm not sure this relationship is worth maintaining. But at the same time, I pride myself on excelling at being a good friend. What would Buddha do?

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I think you have to look past the fact he didn't welcome you home, and realize that maybe he's stressing about money.

 

After all, he is looking to you for your guidance on where to go/what to do for government assistance.

 

In my opinion, it will sound petty if you ask him why he didn't welcome you home.

 

With all due respect, I'm sure he has other things on his mind right now - like obtaining the financial means he needs to get by.

 

I'd provide him with the advice he needs, that's if you have the info to help him out!

Edited by milly007
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I have to say, it sounded very strange to me to read that you and your roommate agreed to not have dates over to avoid any jealousy. Like a recipe for disaster, and a relationship with some messy boundaries. If you both knew someone may have feelings besides friends, why agree to this set up ? You aren't a committed couple right? So why these rules?

 

As for where you are now, seems it isn't working, so you honour the agreed upon time/lease and then do not live together.

Is he sober and is he working? It sounds like he is in a bad situation in his life. What other breaches of trust have happened while he's been living there?

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Oh, my roommate is ill, and until he started this new drug, he didn't have any sex drive. I'm on the asexual spectrum, and have zero problem practicing abstinence. So the agreement wasn't sketchy for either of us. And i guess we made the rules back when both of us had some respect for each other.

 

No, he's not sober, nor working.

 

His breaches of trust are essentially mostly just saying he'll do something, and not doing it. Which means I plan accordingly (for instance disappointing another friend because I can't be there for them because I've made plans with my roommate -- only to find out I didn't need to disappoint), and I'm repeatedly surprised when my plans fall through. (He was not flaky Other than that, just withholding the whole truth, or selecting his words to lead me believe what he wants me to believe, in attempts at manipulation. I'll note: My roommate has said he's especially great at manipulating people, and he's said he's stubborn.

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I guess, yeah, the best thing I could do for him in this instance, is to answer his question via text, and let him know where to find the particular resource he's looking for...at my own expense, encouraging him to continue this pattern of ignoring and avoiding me until he wants something, then pretending to be my friend so he can manipulate me.

 

But I'm looking for the best overall solution, to end the cycle. Some kind of communication, I think? I'm not fond of the toll the recurring stress takes on my body: bowel movements, lack of appetite, lack of sleep, occasional nausea.

 

If I wasn't randomly slapped with a silent treatment, avoidance on a regular basis, everything would be hunky dory. I've mentioned how I don't like his avoidance tactic before, but it hasn't stopped. I've left him space during it, and I've tried knocking on his bedroom door during it, to sort of meet it with friendliness, and neither approach has worked.

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He's your roommate. His only obligations are paying rent on time and not attracting cockroaches. If he's not fulfilling those responsibilities, find another. Frankly, all the rest is needless drama, regardless of your previous affiliation.

 

Also, if you're going to have guests over, it's pretty customary not to have them crashing in the living room. If you're not comfortable with a guest of yours sharing a room, you crash on the couch. I've never expected a roommate to navigate around a guest crashing in the common areas.

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