Racist and Homophobic boyfriend!

[Snny]

I really don't want to break up with him because I see a future with us together. I don't see my future without him.

I could not raise a child around him because he will slip. I also could not introduce him to colleagues or neighbors of minority status. Hell, I would be afraid to be out in public with him.

 

Prejudice doesn't go away. That is a belief.

 

 

He actually told me that if he had a kid that turned out to be gay he would still love him and wouldn't try to change him.

Bulls***. His actions speak differently. He's saying that to get you to stay in the relationship with him. Guaranteed.

 

He said himself that he respects my beliefs and isn't trying to change them and I am the one pushing my beliefs on him.

The silver lining of truth. He's accusing you of pushing your beliefs on him.

 

Just break up. This isn't going to work and you are in denial.

[katrina1980]

He knows that most everyone would hate him if he told his opinions to someone else but he shares them with me. He never says those things out loud to hurt anyone. I just wish I could change his mind on this. Is there not tips at all to open up his mind? I never met anyone like him, he cares a lot about me and I can see it. I told him one time that I would break up with him if he keeps saying those offensive things and he was deeply hurt by that and said that he just can't seem to change his opinion but he loves me a lot.

 

I really applaud your commitment to wanting to make this work! He is fortunate to have a girlfriend so devoted when most would be kicking him to the curb.

 

To me, he just seems ignorant about it. Ignorant meaning lacking knowledge on the subject.

 

If you want to enlighten him, why not pick up another more positive documentary that discusses LGBT rights, personal autonomy, and freedom of expression/association? And watch it together? The ACLU has produced many.

 

Many of us are a product of our upbringing but *can and do* change as we break away from that upbringing, and begin educating ourselves.

 

I was raised a certain religion and grew up ingrained with some pretty outrageous beliefs about men, women, sex, marriage homosexuality, etc.

 

I won't go into what those beliefs were, but after educating myself, which included reading, watching documentaries, interacting with open minded people, I began extricating those beliefs from my consciousness and have done a complete 180!

 

And now consider myself to be one of the most open minded people around, accepting "everyone" for who we are as "human beings" and embracing our differences.

 

My late dad's second marriage was to a woman whose son is gay.

 

I don't believe my dad was racist but he was a product of his upbringing too and ingrained with what might be described as racist beliefs. Oh heck, perhaps he was a racist in some ways (sorry dad).

 

But yet he married this woman with a gay son, and raised him as his own. Loved him as his own. So much do my step-brother gave a very powerful speech about my dad's love at my dad's funeral two years ago.

 

Upon educating himself and learning "truths" my dad did change those prior discriminatory beliefs, and actually ended up speaking at his *Church* (with his pastor's blessing) about gays, transgender in an attempt to enlighten others who may be "stuck" in their discrimatory beliefs.

 

I was there, great speech! I was so proud of him!

 

So in my opinion people "can" change, unless they are so closed-minded and rigid and if that's the case, you may wish to re-think the relationship because of that, as a relationship with such a closed-minded rigid person is its own separate beast, and recipe for disaster in the long term.

 

Good luck!

[Anfisaa]

Thank you for this this did lighten my mood a bit. I am planning to have a serious discussion with him but don't know where to start and what to say. Basically what I want to do is say that if he doesn't at least try to change then this relationship won't work out.

[katrina1980]

Not that it matters but wanted to clarify.

 

Dad's funeral - four years ago. April, 2014.

 

Time just going too fast!

[katrina1980]

Thank you for this this did lighten my mood a bit. I am planning to have a serious discussion with him but don't know where to start and what to say. Basically what I want to do is say that if he doesn't at least try to change then this relationship won't work out.

 

No no no don't ask (demand) he change. He will not respond positively to that at all, guarantee it!

 

Instead when he starts speaking negatively, do not engage him.

 

Don't argue about it or judge him.

 

What you can do is encourage him to educate himself more about it. And encourage him to open his mind and learn to accept everyone as human beings, and embrace differences.

 

We are all borne from the same universe after all.

 

Do this slowly gradually, don't be hard-nosed about it, if he's inclined to open his mind and think differently, he needs to come into that *on his own.* In his own time.

 

It will take time, his beliefs seem to be well ingrained within him.

 

But if you are fully committed to making this work, you will need patience, and acceptance yourself. Of his beliefs even though you don't agree.

 

If he contines to remain rigid and closed-minded about it, then as I said, that's its own separate beast.

 

I know I would never even consider being in a relationship with someone like that (closed-minded, rigid) but it's your call.

 

Your relationship, not mine.

[Capricorn3]

Should I break up with him and see if he changes his mind?

I find this a rather odd question. He don't/won't change his mind just because you break up with him. This is who he is. It's part of him. It's what he believes in. These are his thoughts and beliefs. Breaking up will NOT change his ways. It will NOT change his mind.

 

You break up because it is against YOUR beliefs and you don't tolerate racism and homophobia. Your morals and your values.

[Capttrae]

It’s real simple. You can either deal with it or you can’t. If you can, stay, if you can’t, leave.

[catfeeder]

Racist and Homophobic boyfriend!

 

No need to read past this. I'd make him a Racist and Homophobic EX boyfriend, with zero need to look back on that decision.

 

Head high, and move FORward.

[Zippy2000]

If he`s judging other people. Ask him how it feels like if someone though he was gay. Advise him not all coloured people are loud. This is all based on bad experiences. There will be good ones but he chooses to remember the bad.

 

If he cant put his prejudices aside then he should keep quiet. Everyone has a right to be on this planet. Theres enough room for us all.

 

If your boyfriend is racist. Tell him this. Theresonly one race........The human race!

[Unreasonable]

Breaking up with him isn't going to change him. Getting preachy with him isn't going to change him. He has to be an opened minded individual for change to happen, and it doesn't sound like he is.

 

If he were smart, he'd have the sense to keep his opinions about gay and black people to himself once he found it made you uncomfortable, but it doesn't look like he is.

 

Break up with him, tell him you can't be with someone like that, go find yourself a nice tolerant person, and let him go find a bigoted girlfriend.

[Minikimini]

He knows that most everyone would hate him if he told his opinions to someone else but he shares them with me. He never says those things out loud to hurt anyone. I just wish I could change his mind on this. Is there not tips at all to open up his mind? I never met anyone like him, he cares a lot about me and I can see it. I told him one time that I would break up with him if he keeps saying those offensive things and he was deeply hurt by that and said that he just can't seem to change his opinion but he loves me a lot.

 

He, first, has to want his mind opened and it doesn't sound like he wants this for himself.

 

He sounds like he wants to be who he is and he wants you to accept him for who he is without trying to change him. That means you have to change and be OK with his outbursts. Do you love him enough to dismiss your own feelings about his outbursts to keep him in your life?