Jump to content

Unloading Some Thoughts; Tempted to Respond to Bread Slice


Recommended Posts

1: I'm disliking it when other girls show interest in me. Anyone ever have that after being the dumpee, where interest from other people is something you don't enjoy getting? It's a bit of a confidence boost, and I'm responding lightly, but I didn't honestly need a confidence boost that much and I'm actually hard-to-get. I don't plan to live in my state for much more than another year, so I see no purpose in the risk of finding myself in a new relationship with most anyone, especially given how far I am from healed still.

 

2: I'm finding myself judging every other girl as a potential partner, and judging harshly, regardless of any relationship dynamics involved (EX: relationship status, cues present, etc). I'm also finding that when these girls are different from my ex in ways that I dislike, I just end up feeling awful and emotional for a while. This is all subconscious and hits me much later. I hope this stops eventually. I don't understand being single. Is this normal?

 

3: I don't want to experience the honeymoon phase with someone. I don't want to be in some deluded, high state-of-mind where I'm acting on and thinking with my feelings rather than from a more rational place. Now, of course, I've only experienced the honeymoon phase once, so I may have no clue what I'm talking about, but I just don't want this.

 

4: I'm having a hard time getting motivation for myself. I've made a ton of progress, though I would like to make much more. I've been stagnating for a while (with weight loss, self-improvement, being highly productive at my university, and etc.) My hope is that when winter finally ends and it's warm enough to bike and fish all day, I will return to having better habits. For now, I just gotta graduate. I'm at almost 5 months since the breakup and a little over 2 months of almost no contact (I've gotten 2 texts from her total -- one during my birthday which I responded to cordially, and one a couple days ago which I have not responded to.)

 

5: My ex texted me a few days ago around midnight with a full slice of bread. I'd had some friends read it first and didn't actually read it myself until yesterday morning while with one of those friends. "Hey 11, I'm sorry if this bothers you, but did you still want me to come to your graduation (assuming you're still graduating this Spring?) Hope you're doing well." When we were still in pretty heavy contact, I kept talking about how maybe we could have trips/visits (since we had been long distance) and hopefully rekindle the spark/romance between us, and really emphasized that maybe her coming to my graduation would be nice since she helped me through so much on my path to getting my degree. I don't know if she thinks of such a trip as a "potential for reconciliation", I don't know if she still with the person she seemed to have left me for, and I don't know what she even wants from me. I'm pretty afraid of all scenarios, including not responding and somehow "closing this door that was just opened". Otherwise, I've been strong about this so far, and while the text was pretty direct/bold, it's not forthright enough about her thoughts/emotions and shows no commitment from her for anything. The last thing I want to do is be a source of subconscious validation for her at my own expense, especially with all the other difficulties I have to deal with. I kind of just want to tell her that I got her text but don't know what to say.

 

 

I feel like I had a few other thoughts I wanted to unload, but what I had been thinking about was overrun by the text this week, so I've forgotten for the time being.

Link to comment

If I were you, I wouldn't respond. In fact, probably best that you block her from further contact and actually take that step to sever all strings holding you in your mind so you can actually focus on your studies, healing and moving on with your life.

 

From the outside, all I get from her text is that she had invested a lot of effort in you graduating, so the text sounds almost like a sense of some lingering obligation. However, she is not sure if it's really there or appropriate anymore to see things through to the end, aka see you graduate. I don't see anything about reconciling or even talking anymore. If she left you for someone else, it's over. Accept it. Move on.

 

The rest is normal - you aren't over her, not ready to date, not ready for anyone else. Probably best that you keep to yourself and away from females if you find that kind of attention irritating. Stick with guy friends and strictly guy activities for a bit and give yourself a break mentally and emotionally.

Link to comment

hi 11!

 

i think from your first couple points, don't date. don't even think about it. you're not ready.

 

what will happen if you don't respond to your ex?

 

She will probably show more of her "hand" so to speak about what this coming to your graduation really means.

 

late night texts are bs! have some respect ms ex! she obviously grasped at some straws to have a reason to contact you bc she was drunk or lonely or otherwise dejected and needed you to make her feel better.

 

its pretty obvious to most people, when there is a bu, any and all future plans are now off. especially ones that were not "booked".

 

if you don't respond a couple of things could happen:

1. you will feel better about it in a few days. the ultimate confidence boost-not getting played by your ex.

2. ex will reconsider what she thought she knew about you

3. ex may use that to decide.... i am wasting 11's time because I don't want to put in the work to fix this.

4. ex may extend more.

 

i think as dumpees we tread lightly bc we dont want to rock what could be our reconciliation. i get that whole heartedly.

 

but! what if we're strong and we don't settle? what if make the person work for us?

 

if they do it- great the chances are better that it will work, bc it was not a weak moment and a snap decision...

 

if they don't step up and don't do the work, then good ridden! we just stay the course.

 

hang in there... spring is coming even if the weather doesn't seem like it.

 

you are not closing the door by not responding. so don't be so dramatic! that makes it really hard. she reached out once. she'll do it again. enjoy that the ball is in your court. make her wait!

Link to comment

1. She is "fishing" with a hook with you... Testing...

 

-That is what it sounds to me... And it sounds that either something died on her end or is dying and you are being looked at as a potential re-bound to the re-bound after you...

 

2. Everything you described. Yes to all... I feel the same... I been healing from a break up now for over 6 months and yes, I am so critical of women... Although I am starting to date again, I am super careful, with a huge magnifying glass, picky as hell...LOL... Same symptoms as you... Every woman that is checking me out....lol... I could care less about...Haha... I compare them to my ex way too much... Yes...Yes... Yes... Same as you... I think it is normal... I been through this before and I remember that I did this as well... This is my 2nd time around... But guess what? Whether you like it or not... You will feel that euphoric feeling again... That someone will come and you will feel that high again...

Link to comment

I would just say, "Thank you for asking, but I think it would be best if you didn't come. I am focusing on moving forward in my life."

 

Definitely don't rush into dating. But in the mean time, try to give the female world a break with your judgment. We don't deserve it.

Link to comment
If I were you, I wouldn't respond. In fact, probably best that you block her from further contact and actually take that step to sever all strings holding you in your mind so you can actually focus on your studies, healing and moving on with your life.

 

From the outside, all I get from her text is that she had invested a lot of effort in you graduating, so the text sounds almost like a sense of some lingering obligation. However, she is not sure if it's really there or appropriate anymore to see things through to the end, aka see you graduate. I don't see anything about reconciling or even talking anymore. If she left you for someone else, it's over. Accept it. Move on.

 

The rest is normal - you aren't over her, not ready to date, not ready for anyone else. Probably best that you keep to yourself and away from females if you find that kind of attention irritating. Stick with guy friends and strictly guy activities for a bit and give yourself a break mentally and emotionally.

 

I feel the same about guys after the breakup . Guys who are attractive who ppl would say they are but still not attractive to me . I find it disgusting when they pay attention to me and don't like it when I am asked out . I don't know i judge them too . Like their not funny or sensitive etc . I don't have any interest in dating anyone . It has been 3 months 10 days since the breakup. So i am right there with u . I hope i can move on one day too but I am not over him!

 

One thing u can look forward is graduation. You should be proud of yourself for that .

Link to comment

Thank you to everyone for replying. I have decided that I will not respond to the message because, quite simply, there are way too many unanswered questions there and it doesn't say enough to warrant putting my heart out there. I'll definitely not push myself to date, but I won't totally close myself to the feelings I could get from somebody that I probably can't really control.

 

.

 

@DancingFool: I won't block her, but yeah, there's a good chance it's just some kind of lingering emotional investment in my graduation / well-being. It doesn't say enough about what she wants from me. Good to know the emotions are normal.

 

.

 

@Lambert: That's a really good point: If this was all she has to say, then I don't want to keep going forward; if she has more in her "hand", then I'd like to see what she's got.

Yeah, the late night text was weird, but one thing about it.. I knew it was coming based on a question from a mutual friend over a day prior. No doubt that she was thinking about my graduation for at least a day and a half, or perhaps even longer. I don't know if she drinks now -- she didn't when we were together because I don't and alcoholism runs very heavily in my family, so I have no clue there. The chance of loneliness or feelings of dejection is possible too, and dealing with that is her new boyfriend's job, not mine.

The graduation visit idea was only really an idea after the breakup when we were in heavy contact, but I don't know.

Definitely agree that she should have to work for me, especially since she probably still feels like she can trust me and etc, but I can't really for her. I can't trust that she's sincere, I can't trust that she's wholeheartedly doing things, I can't trust that it's not a snap decision.. can't trust much anything. If she can't break the perception I've gotten of her in the last few months, then I can only assume that perception was pretty accurately and I should keep walking away. The ball may be in my court, but I want to know what game I'm playing to begin with.

Can't wait for Spring! And after a pretty heavy 911 call last Sunday, it looks like my mother's agreeing to treatment for 3 months, so It'll be smooth sailing for a while (and I'll get to enjoy the prime of fishing season without any home stress!)

 

.

 

@Mikey833: Yeah, that would suck -- to be a rebound after whatever she was doing now. While I'm not comfortable dating, I am starting to get somewhat comfortable being alone, so it's gonna need more than "relationship comfort" for reconciliation. For your own dating -- what kind of personal red flags (as in, things you notice about yourself that tell you that you're being judgmental/etc.) are you noticing while on your dates? I've never actually gone on a traditional "date", so I have no clue what anything would feel like.

 

.

 

@HollyJ: Perhaps, yeah. The emotional investment I have in her might inflate the things she says to me.

 

.

 

@Jibralta: If it were an option, I'd much rather try again with my ex -- several things would be massively different, so I don't really wanna reject her. I just don't wanna walk into something that's not reconciliation. I wish I could stop the judging, though. I don't want to be this way.

 

.

 

@Morello: I suppose it could sound condescending, yeah. My ex used to be a very timid person, and while she's gotten more bold since the breakup and while this text is pretty bold for her, I personally still interpret some timidity in the message. I think she's pretty worried what I think of her. She'd have to answer that with more direct communication.

 

.

 

@Hopeful7: I wouldn't say I get disgusted by girls, but it's more like.. I feel terribly let down. Almost like mini-heartbreaks. Good to know there's a lot of people who feel similar feelings, though. And yes, definitely: Graduation is something to look forward to, and I did that. Thank you for that.

Link to comment

1. I am casually dating and not really putting too much effort into it...

Sort of, if the universe has a plan, then it will happen.... If not, then oh well... I just don't care...

 

2. On the other hand I am realizing that I am not healed as well, and not over her (my ex GF), so I am treating it as more like

meeting people, and if there is no spark for me, well than we can just be good friends...

 

3. Yes: I find myself doing a lot of comparing... And also because I know what I like...I know what makes my bells ring... And

when you spend a long time with someone, and you like everything about them and they made your bells ring, finding that

someone to do that for you is quite difficult. I am also realizing that when you don't look, that is when someone comes

along... Which I do not understand, how some people can just jump immediately into another relationship right after a

break-up (dumper or dumpee), because there has to be some level of comparing your new partner to the old partner

and that usually means that you are not healed, which means that you are getting into a re-bound, which usually does not

last... It does not last, especially since you want your new partner to be so much the same as your old partner, and keeping

someone around because they provide a warm body...., well, that is just not fair to that new person... I discovered that

there is no way that I am ready, as I have been super critical... Every date I have been on, I have found something wrong

with that person... So, I basically do not pursue that person any further unless they want to build strictly a friendship....

And like I said...I am finding myself comparing all my dates to my ex way too much... And I am getting to that point, that

perhaps it is better if I just quit dating and remained single for a while, because which is better: 1. Being with someone that

you don't really like and you are not happy with, or 2. Just be single and lonely, but at least you are not dealing with drama

or gossip, or all that other stuff...And eventually that someone awesome will show up out of nowhere... I think, I rather

just be single... And you are absolutely correct... if you do not feel that you must find someone, than don't look... When

you are not over someone, you are not ready to pursue others...So, who cares if the ex moved on and that they are with a

new person.... You are not them...

You are you... And you and your inner core says "NO"... Well that is your gut and your soul saying "NO" is good...

No need to force yourself... No need to be desperate... No need to be judgmental/comparing etc... Basically, my own

RED FLAGS are that I am not ready... Not open....

Link to comment

Very wise of you to see it for what it is, nothing. She is just keeping a safety net under her self! Some people do that because they can't be alone. Pride yourself on the fact that you'd rather be alone than with someone with one eye constantly on the exit... And I know you can't help it but remember it's not that one gender or the other is bad, it's people and some handle relationships and breakups worse than others.

Link to comment
@Jibralta: If it were an option, I'd much rather try again with my ex -- several things would be massively different, so I don't really wanna reject her. I just don't wanna walk into something that's not reconciliation.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see this as a bread slice. It's not even really a bread crumb. She's probably just reaching out in a friendly manner, tying up any outstanding obligation she may still feel toward you. It's not relationship-oriented, though.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...