Desperately seeking some guidance

[KenInCali]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months. Our relationship has been quite rocky and awkward from the beginning.

It started off with me not being employed and financially unstable. But I then got a job and my financial status picked up.

I still have financial issues, especially because I just recently quit my job at the start of this year, but for the most part, my financial instability

isn't, entirely, affecting our relationship.

 

I find myself unhappy quite often because my boyfriend has no empathy.

He often refers to himself as a robot. He is quite emotionally detached altogether, and even finds it amusing when he sees people cry.

He cares about me. I know he does. And we have had such a great time with dinners, dates, going to Disneyland quite often.

But we have only had sex a couple of times in a year. Sometimes when the topic comes up, his attitude towards sex is nonchalant

to the point where it can be summed up to, "well, if you wanna stick it in, let me know."

He often emulates communication, feelings, and touch but quite often it feels empty. This man I love seems to have some form

of Asperger's, but not to the full extent.

 

I have been quite unhappy for weeks now and I've made several attempts to discuss what I feel and have made suggestions to improve

our relationship. But my words often fall on deaf ears. Not that he doesn't care, but he doesn't know how to respond. I have been single for the majority of my life

and have been in a number of failed relationships because I was the only one putting forth any effort. I want this one to work because we are 60% compatible.

The other 40% is based on his lack of emotional connection. I do my best to help him, but I am running out of options and I don't want to abandon this without fighting for it.

 

Is there a professional out there that can help me make sense of this and help me figure out how to heal and improve my relationship? I need help.

[glitterfingers]

No, it's not 40% his lack of emotional connection... It's 20% his "lack of emotional connection", and 20% your need for a certain kind of emotional connection. Are there other ways that he shows his affection? Most people need to be told/shown explicitly, lest you be disappointed when your expectations aren't met.

 

Example: If I disagree with my boyfriend, afterwards I sulk and need a hug. Rather than expect him to read my mind, I go up and hug him. Problem solved, my needs are met. But he would not do that unless prompted because he can't read my mind

Do you think perhaps if you initiated intimacy with your boyfriend, he would be responsive and put in effort?

 

The next part of my response: You have a history of unstable relationships, so I hardly think you are in a position to determine that your relationship would be healthier if he weren't emotionally dysfunctional. On the surface of it, doesn't that sound a little contradictory, maybe even hypocritical to you?

I think you could afford to consider how your own actions and expectations might be contributing to relationship instability.

 

Also, people with Asperger's do not lack empathy. However, it is common to be somewhat aloof, have trouble meeting your partner's emotional needs without explicit instructions, and to respond to certain situations inappropriately (laughing if someone seems upset, because it doesn't make sense immediately).

 

I'm not clear on the kinds of suggestions you have made for improvements, but it sounds like you have just been asking him to change. That's not going to work. If you need things from him, prompt him to give you those things. Asperger's or not, nobody can read your mind. But if you act assertively and ask for what you need, sometimes you might get it. Note: that's not "I need you to be more emotionally connected" - too vague and targeting his personality. It's more like "I need a hug" or "Could we plan a romantic evening this weekend?"

 

If you aren't willing to do that, or he isn't responsive to it, then you should end the relationship.

[Hollyj]

You have chosen yet another project. Why would you try to make something work, that has never worked?

 

I suggest you end this lonely relationship, and focus on finding a job. When you are financially secure, seek a therapist to understand you poor choices in men.

[Lester]

Empathy means; I've been where you are right now, feel your pain, and want to help.

 

There are two common reason's why people don't have it:

1. They live a charmed life, which insulates them from such trouble.

2. They have experienced trouble but choose, for negative reasons, not to allow it in or better them.

 

Dump him.

Next time, take what you've learned and cut fourteen months down to two.

[ThatwasThen]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 14 months. Our relationship has been quite rocky and awkward from the beginning.

Why would you stay in something that was rocky and awkward? Dating is to find out who you are attracted to is going to be a good partner for a life time. It's not to try and fix something that isn't working. You leave something that isn't working.

 

I think you should leave him too but not because he is who he is but rather because you aren't with someone you're compatible with.

 

No malice intended but you would do well to consider therapy for yourself to help you figure out why you have this need to fix rather then just leaving something that doesn't work.