First love, GiGs,

[Bungaro]

Dear Members! I would like to share my story and ask for advice. Me and my girlfriend (22, 21) were together for 2 years. In the first times we had fights, not that often, in the last 1 year it seemed to settle down. I was her first love, (in the begginning few weeks she didnt want to have a relationship but i was working on it and she changed her mind) So this 2 years we really got to know each other, became best friends as well. Shared our thought, and been together almost all the time. It felt good. Unfortunately in the last months I think I got used to her and didnt treat her how i should the love of my life. But she seemed ok, Maybe mentioned once or twice but she was ok. One day we had a little argument and she said that it was the time when she decided to break up with me out of the blue. She said she always knew deep down that this day will come because she cant live her life with dating only one person and we became like a married old couple. She didnt felt safe or i dont know she really ment it. I begged, cried, said i could and want to change it, treat her well (give her better sex because it was there but not as common and passionate) and so on. She said she loves me but wont change her mind, if not now, she would do it later and it would suck before a wedding or something like this. She wants to date others, she don't know if this is love.

 

I did texting while drunk after, go to her place, made stupid things. After a few days she called me while crying and said that se loves and miss me and she just wants to date others but not get hopes but she thinks she wants to be with me later. I was understanding and made her calm down. I became happy, then she didnt call me, I called her and asked about it a few days later (the other daz), she said she don't know weather or not we will be together in the future, it is possible but dont know. I made a call a few days later, asking her what does she think now, she said she has started to moving on, she doesn't think we could be together in the future and she just wants to date others. She funny adviced me to go on dates, I said i planned one, but just because of self coincidence and I dont want anything. At that moment i lost hope and blocked her from everywhere, I felt betrayed. We were in deep love i think, how come she moved on in a week. A few days later I was thinking if i made a mistake with blocking and made big mistake. I started to beg her in tett, asking to meet up and stuff. I was miserable. She said she has fallen out of love (and that it was easy with me behaving like this) and we aren't compatible, she doesn't want a relationship nor anything from me and she wants me to leave her alone. Since than (1 week) I didnt contact her, and wondering what should i do. My mind started to settle down but i feel that I love her and want her back. What is your advice? What are my chances? Is it a grass is greener on the other side stuff?

[Keyman]

No, this is not a GIGS situation.

 

First loves are usually just that the first time we fall in love. It is rare, and becoming rarer, for the first love to be the only love. It is a learning time for everyone. How do we love? What is it like to love and be loved? What do I like to feel when I am loved and give love?

 

And guess what? You have learned a whole lot of stuff about what not to do in and after a relationship.

 

You want her back, but I am sorry to say that this is over. She will very likely not come back. Ever. I know that will be hard to take, but it is the truth and you need to know that so you can begin moving on. And this is what you must do. Move on. Get to know yourself again, go out with friends, meet some new girls, but don't get into a new relationship too quickly, you aren't ready.

 

And, if the miracle does happen, and she does come back, do you want her to find you moping and waiting by the phone, miserable as if your only happiness is her?

 

Get on with your life, and sooner enough, dude, you be in a better place, with another women and you will look back fondly on this ex as a stepping stone into your future.

[Bungaro]

She wasn't my first love. I had a long and a shorther before her, and I didn't feel this connection before. That's why I want her back. I have started to move on, in my mind and phyically as well but the fact that I love her and I messed up stuff in the relationship and that we might end up together drags my thoughts back to her. So you don't think it is a GiGs? I stand no chance?

[MissCanuck]

I think she was being honest that there's no future between you, OP.

 

She is moving on. You would be best to follow her advice and do so too. She doesn't want you waiting around for her, because she knows she more than likely isn't coming back.

[Bungaro]

Thanks for advices. I really should move on, but what could I do? Because there should be something to maximize my chances while I am trying to move on.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks for advices. I really should move on, but what could I do? Because there should be something to maximize my chances while I am trying to move on.

 

There isn't much you can do but give her all the space in the world.

 

She has told you to leave her alone. Show her that you can respect that. She knows where to find you if she has a change of heart. Anything else will irritate her and confirm in her mind that she made the right choice in ending it.

[Bungaro]

I see. I read about NC a lot. I hope it will help her to realize what she has lost..

[RayRay63]

She said she always knew deep down that this day will come because she cant live her life with dating only one person and we became like a married old couple.

 

She sounds young and immature, or maybe she made that up as an excuse. None of us know, but here is what we do know -

 

You do no contact for you, not her, not to get her back.

 

There is plenty of advice out there, though, that by going no contact you show strength and resilience, and by becoming a scarce commodity you make yourself more attractive.

 

So just do the no contact. Get fit, improve yourself, and after a time you will move on.

 

In the entirely unlikely event that she comes back one day, you can say no thanks I don't need your flakiness in my life.

[RayRay63]

I see. I read about NC a lot. I hope it will help her to realize what she has lost..

 

The evidence/psychologists' advice is that she will, but it will take a bit longer if she is distracting herself playing with other men. That does not mean she will come back though, and if you have moved on by then, all the better.

 

I am 30 days+ of no contact, and my thought processes are turning towards rejecting any approach from her. Now, she left for another man, so I am not expecting one anytime soon, which is good, because in a few months that thinking should be entrenched. I had a death in the family amidst this - and it really only took one post from Ms Canuck to stop me reaching out to her for comfort. After a week, the urge to do that is gone.

 

Kia kaha brother, you will get through this.

 

[that is a Maori saying, you should google it :cool:]

[MissCanuck]

I see. I read about NC a lot. I hope it will help her to realize what she has lost..

 

Eh, if she has lost interest then it doesn't work that way. People's feelings do sometimes change, especially when they're as young as she is. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but more often than not, people don't settle down with the partners they date in very young adulthood. And that's not a bad thing. We change so much in that period that who we were at 19 or 20 is quite different from who we become at 29 or 30. Our choice in romantic partners along the way reflects that need to explore and grow before committing forever.

 

Don't go No Contact in the hopes it will make her come back; do it so that you can begin to heal, regardless of whether you two connect again.

[Bungaro]

Thanks for the reply. Right now I feel so weak and just wants to reach out, write to her, apologise, convince her that we had something special. I feel I am tearing apart. She made it clear that there is no hope, but I cant believe she fall out of love so fast and just wants to move on. She really loved me, deeply and I want to fight for her, for our relationship

[RayRay63]

She made it clear that there is no hope

 

It takes two to tango, and she is not dancing.

 

The best way forward is stick to no contact.

 

Read Zorba's posts on the 'reverse psychology of the rebound' thread from 2007. He makes a very good case for why sticking to no contact increases the chances of reconciliation. You'll start the no contact for the wrong reasons, but after a while you'll progress to the right reasons. It really was a masterful piece of reverse psychology form Zorba. One way or the other.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks for the reply. Right now I feel so weak and just wants to reach out, write to her, apologise, convince her that we had something special. I feel I am tearing apart. She made it clear that there is no hope, but I cant believe she fall out of love so fast and just wants to move on. She really loved me, deeply and I want to fight for her, for our relationship

 

You can't fight the fight alone, OP. It's not possible to do this without her cooperation.

 

Yes, you had something special. I don't think she'd disagree. But that doesn't mean she still feels that way, sadly, and she clearly doesn't. Falling out of love isn't sudden; this had likely been building for some time, but she didn't have the courage to end it until now. I realize it probably felt sudden to you, but it wouldn't have been for her.

 

I'm sorry. I know it's hard. Sometimes two people just are not meant to stay together.

[Bungaro]

It feels so sad that I cant do anything with it. There must be something. My mind literally always search for hope, I am aware of it but i start to fantacise about her, thinking about that it might have been a bad decision, or thinking about visiting me and stuff, whereas she said she made the right decision...but IDK why I keep hoping...

[Wiseman2]

Agree that this isn't gigs. She was unhappy and tried to tell you many times, but you got complacent. It wasn't out of the blue. Stay no contact and reflect on what you learned from this situation.

Unfortunately in the last months I think I got used to her and didnt treat her how i should the love of my life. But she seemed ok, Maybe mentioned once or twice but she was ok. One day we had a little argument and she said that it was the time when she decided to break up with me out of the blue. said i could and want to change it, treat her well (give her better sex because it was there but not as common and passionate) and so on.

[Bungaro]

If she was unhappy than I could convince her, couldn't i? She said that sometimes that the Break up had nothing to do with me, I was the best first love, but sometimes she hinted stuff that bothered her, like not taking her somewhere and buying her flowers and stuff. I could show her how much I love her and would treat her better

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're trying to close the barn doors after the horses escaped. A little too little a little too late. She wasn't happy, she told you, you knew it but took it for granted. She's trying to be kind and say it's me not you, lets date others etc. Try to realize that not all dating early on in life leads to forever.

she hinted stuff that bothered her, I could show her how much I love her and would treat her better

[Bungaro]

Yeah, I know, but we really had something, in the last few months a became stressed about a lot of things and I guess it wasn't helping, I had a lot of anxieties in my mind. Now I am seeing a terapist and I really want to work things out with her. It is sad that it had to happen for me to realize me problems. It is too late? Should I talk about it with her? I blocked her and She said it was unfair because she always talked to me when I called and helped. I said i know it was mean but i had to in order to move on. What should i do?

[MissCanuck]

We've already told you what you should do, OP.

 

You're just not yet ready to accept the advice yet.

[Bungaro]

I am taking. I mean I know that I must leave her but inside it is killing me

And thank all of you helping me!

[MissCanuck]

I am taking. I mean I know that I must leave her but inside it is killing me

And thank all of you helping me!

 

Unfortunately, this is an inevitable part of the break-up process. It hurts like hell.

 

But at this point, you have to tough it out. You can, and you will slowly start to feel better.

[Bungaro]

In my mind I know it is right but my emotions say that I am making a huge mistake and I should confess and go for her If I really love her which I do

[Wiseman2]

Please be careful and don't start treading in the creepy stalker ex zone. You don't want a restraining order on your record, do you? No is no. Leave her alone. It's not all about what you want.

In my mind I know it is right but my emotions say that I am making a huge mistake and I should confess and go for her

[RayRay63]

In my mind I know it is right but my emotions say that I am making a huge mistake and I should confess and go for her If I really love her which I do

 

No mate, just no.

 

Doing that will make you look weak and unattractive to her.

 

Walk away. Don't look back. If she wants you again, she will find you.

 

If not, you'll better equipped to relate to a woman you meet who actually does want to be with you.

[MissCanuck]

In my mind I know it is right but my emotions say that I am making a huge mistake and I should confess and go for her If I really love her which I do

 

What are planning to confess that she doesn't already know?

 

It won't have the effect you hope, OP. I can nearly guarantee it.