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Irrational Obsessive Mental Anguish...


JohnBest
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I just got ghosted from a 9-month relationship with a woman I deeply loved...it has been hard on me. I went to a therapist and was diagnosed as codependant - which I agree with.

 

One of the exercises the therapist had me perform was to create a list of what I didn't like about the girl, and another list of why it was good to be rid of her - I was shocked about how bad she really was for me! Alchoholic, addicted to weed, her kids didnt like me, etc. So I now know she was the wrong person for me and brought nothing but drama, negativity, and pain into my life.

 

But she keeps popping into my head, and I get a little endorphin rush when it happens. I then start to think immediately of how to contact her - but can't. It's irrational, obsessive, and anguishing. I am now alone and can not stop the thoughts from popping in - and I dream about her too which makes it worse!

 

Can anyone give me some techniques to help this cycle to stop?

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How long ago did it end? There is unfortunately no magic wand, it takes time for the obsession and anguish to stop. Start by accepting that this is part of the process of letting go. Focus on getting through one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. And keep busy and distracted by doing things you enjoy... it will give you some relief from the obsession.

 

I did the same thing with my Ex that you did... make a list of all of the things that annoyed, hurt, and bothered me, and kept it handy every time I wanted to reach out to him. I also would call my friends and ask them to remind me why I wasn't with him anymore. I made framed photos of what I DID want in a partner, and put them all over my house to remind me.

 

All of this helped, but it still took time. Some of us really put our hearts and souls into these things, and really grieve when they are over. Keep up with therapy and, as soon as you feel able, get back out there and start dating again; try not to wallow in self-pity for too long. You need to remind yourself that she is not the only one out there.

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Just know it's normal that you will be grieving for probably a minimum of 4 months. Once you've been intimate with someone and been a part of their lives for a while, of course you can't get rid of those feelings with the blink of an eye. Delete photos you have of her, delete her number from your phone. Each day will brink you closer to healing and having the ability to move on.

 

You have learned from this experience, and are getting therapy so you don't repeat your mistakes. Feel good that your future will be better because of your goal of improving on your relationship choices. Take care.

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Nine months isn't a very long relationship, and the depth of your pain at the moment seems out of proportion to the relationship you actually had. It doesn't make it any less real, though, so I'm wondering if the anguish is really about something else. Not so much the girl herself, but what she represented to you - you must have had your reasons for feeling this strongly for someone who you know isn't good for you, and there's a lot of potential for growth when you can identify why.

 

Sometimes these situations can tell us a lot about our history and our pain, and while the stuff's 'red-hot' the way it is at the moment, it can be an ideal time to process it. The fact that you're dreaming about her suggests it's something buried very, very deep!

 

Onwards and upwards!

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