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Dating drought after 30


Crystal Pepsi
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I reentered online dating last fall and it's going nowhere. I first tried it five years ago, at age 25. Back then I averaged one date per month, so what gives? Does entering your 30s suddenly damage your appeal that much? I look the same, am trying to date women in my age group, and quite honestly am a much more mature person than I was at 25. I'm more confident with who I am, yet I can't muster a single date.

 

Despite living in a university town and being an artist and musician, I have no real social life. I almost considered going back to college last fall but backed out. Now I'm tempted to enroll just for the social aspect. Any advice?

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Well, online dating is a bit of a fraud. The dating sites have been caught using chat bots in the chat rooms to make it look like more people are using the site, and never taking down inactive profiles, again to make them look more used than they are. Tinder and Bumble are probably the only ones that work, and when you get to older women, they've been burned by former spouses, boyfriends and dates and are suspicious of new guys. Your best bet is talking to as many women as possible and don't be afraid to ask if they have a single friend or if they know of someone who's single. If they can see you in person, you'll make a better impression than online.

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Your dating pool reduces each decade. Think about it. Most people already met in their mid to late twenties are still in relationships or have kids.By 40 your dating poll will shrink even more as people may have been separated from their previous relationships or many of them that they want to do their own thing later in life. When you are in your 50s you become invisible.

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It can be difficult to meet new people if you work for yourself in a relatively isolated profession - and even being a musician you're isolated in the sense of not being in the middle of the crowd when you're performing. I was in your situation a few years back, but I was in a town where I didn't really know anybody and had to start from scratch.

 

I did the following:

- Joined a local Yahoo group for creatives

- Volunteered for a local online 'newspaper', notably writing art reviews which meant I met gallery owners and artists as well as the other citizen journalists

- Joined the local Arts forum (I'd have volunteered to help run this, too, if I'd had more time)

- Joined a Community Arts organisation

- Joined FB groups which promoted local events

- Contacted a pub which held folk music sessions and asked if it was OK if I made sketches of their customers. (In fact, I'd done this initially to practise very quick sketches - but it's a very, very good way to break the ice. As I found out!)

 

It's been my experience that creative communities understand the problems of social isolation and gear themselves up to deal with it.

 

When I first found myself in this situation, I was newly out of a traumatic relationship and wasn't looking to date. However, there were plenty of opportunities if I had been (and I was much older than you!) and after three years or so, I met a great guy who was introduced to me by a friend - and we're still together.

 

So what I'm saying, really, is look for as many ways as possible to meet people. Online dating works well for some, but it sounds as though it shouldn't be your only method of doing so.

 

Good luck!

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People at a uni town tend to meet more face to face in real life, socializing, doing things, etc., so it makes sense that very few local people will seriously use online as only source to meet others. It might be used by a few regularly and by many more as a kind of very distant also ran option to real life. So your results have less to do with age and a lot more to do with people having other options. Meeting someone at an event, hitting if off and starting to date is simpler than weeding through online profiles and a uni town has so many opportunities for that.

 

You don't need to go back to uni to meet people, but you do need to start getting out and getting involved in the community. Go volunteer for assorted events, find some hobbies to do, build a social life for yourself. In a uni town, there is actually a ton to do constantly.

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  • 2 years later...
On 3/20/2018 at 5:00 AM, nutbrownhare said:

So what I'm saying, really, is look for as many ways as possible to meet people. Online dating works well for some, but it sounds as though it shouldn't be your only method of doing so.

Clearly I let this thread get away on me. In case you see this, I just want to say thank you for the advice. Since 2018, I've been in and out of dating my ex-girlfriend and really need to take your advice to branch out socially.

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On 3/20/2018 at 2:51 AM, Zippy2000 said:

Your dating pool reduces each decade. Think about it. Most people already met in their mid to late twenties are still in relationships or have kids.By 40 your dating poll will shrink even more as people may have been separated from their previous relationships or many of them that they want to do their own thing later in life. When you are in your 50s you become invisible.

This is exactly where I am right now being in my early 40s. It has been very difficult to find people to date. Then I’ve probably mentioned this on another thread, but I can’t stand the whole swiping game. The pandemic just made things even worse. 

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4 minutes ago, beatlesfan77 said:

This is exactly where I am right now being in my early 40s. It has been very difficult to find people to date. Then I’ve probably mentioned this on another thread, but I can’t stand the whole swiping game. The pandemic just made things even worse. 

Mine increased and increased in quality when I became the right person to find the right person.  Certainly it was easier to meet people when I was in college surrounded by single people and in my 20s when I moved to a major city only a few miles from where I grew up but yes, while the dating pool can shrink especially for women looking for marriage and family the quality can increase and the time wasted decreases when you know yourself better and are better at picking people.  

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I’m just a few years older than you. The last time I was on a dating site, I was 29 years old. Looking back I can see what you are saying. When I was 23 on a dating site, maybe because it was getting popular then, I was getting a lot of responses. At 29, I would still get responses but not as many compared to 23. 
 

In our 30s, I think it’s better to meet people in person rather than a dating site. Due to covid I know that’s not possible. But meeting in bars, joining a hobby club, etc seems to work better. 
 

During covid, I would just join an online group of interest. It’s kind of hard right now to find a romantic interest.

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On 3/20/2018 at 5:51 AM, Zippy2000 said:

Your dating pool reduces each decade. Think about it. Most people already met in their mid to late twenties are still in relationships or have kids

I sure hope not!

If anything people get OUT of relationships including marriage after many years, they grow apart, that sort of thing.

 

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I'm having a lot of fun with it. 

You need to have a good network existing already and your own life going for you. Don't use it as a void-filler. I think it might actually carve a deeper void in the soul that way.

Big fan of the interest groups but you can really find entire worlds of interests without the need to socialize with anyone else. I went neck deep with some things I've always wanted to do and didn't have the motivation or time to do before. 

I think the funny thing about dating again is reading profiles and getting ideas about what I want out of life and realizing I might do it better on my own. I was reading about someone dreaming of building a cabin with someone special and I started thinking I'd build my own cabin anyway. Why would I need to build it with someone in the first place.. I'd get to decide where I want it and what goes in it.

Stay safe out there. 

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8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

 I started thinking I'd build my own cabin anyway. Why would I need to build it with someone in the first place..

It's a lot easier to build a cabin when you've got someone else to hold the other end of a long board.

Apply that to a zillion other things in life. Having a partner who's got your back is priceless.

 

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8 minutes ago, gamon said:

It's a lot easier to build a cabin when you've got someone else to hold the other end of a long board.

Apply that to a zillion other things in life. Having a partner who's got your back is priceless.

 

I agree and disagree. Compatibility is key! 😊

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Yes I have noticed that a lot of the interest groups on Meetup have gone to virtual meetings. *knocking on wood* I do have a great personal life going for me right now. Working a job that I love in addition to having hobbies to partake in. Eventually I’d like to have that special person to enhance the quality of life. 

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Just chiming in to say I found dating to be a lot more fun—and a lot deeper—in my 30s than my 20s. More self-realized and self-possessed pool to wade around in—and a larger pool, since you can explore connections with people younger and older in ways you just can't when, well, you're still young.

Granted, my experience was in big and semi-big cities, so there are biases there, along with the inherent bias/perspective that comes from being male and/or just being me. I've never really gauged my life as going well or less well based on whether or not I'm in a relationship, which I think removes a certain kind of pressure. 

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