Got caught up in my needs, had sex with my ex

[AAvr1315]

Let me start of with I've never done anything like this.

 

Back story him am I were together 7+years, with two kids. I kicked him out June 2017

 

He lives with the girl he cheated on me with. Not sure where he stands with that relationship. I asked if he saw a future with this person, or planned on marriage and he said he didn't know. I think he is just as confused as I am?

 

After I kicked him out. He wanted to still see our kids so I would take them, we would meet somewhere and sometimes after picking them up we would meet. And in doing so we would continue to having sex, from there he stated coming around the house to drop them off, and we would have sex.

 

My point, today I did the unthinkable, Its been almost 4 weeks since we last had sex. I got a hoyel room, he met up with me after he got off work. We were there about 3 hrs, talked a bit but got straight down to business. Keep in mind, he's was the only person I've ever been with, he was my first and the only person I have been with sexually.

 

I don't know if it was stress or just so many problems I'm trying to juggle here. When I'm feeling mad about the situation, him cheating, lying to me about things he would do and just how he wanted to move on instead of trying to better the relationship. I want to put him threw child support and just make it impossible for him.

 

But then when i think about how good of a father he is to our kids and how he has been helping me out financially, and how in his way he shows me he cares is when I give in. I've never done that, got a room just for sex, but hey he showed up. I didn't want to bring back my feelings and fall right back to him. I'm still not over him. I want to be with him.

 

In conversation he make it sound like he would want to continue getting a room and seeing eachother part of me just wants it to be sex bit another part wants more from him relationship or just to work and build towards one.

 

I know it's wrong, I shouldn't continue seeing him, I kind of care but at the same time don't about the person he lives with. I think I'm just putting it in my head that it might just work out eventually... hoping things turn around, that the situation he's in now changes later on and we find a way back.

 

Am I being selfish?

Is it dumb to still persue him?

Maybe the feelings are still there but I need to show him we could make it work?

Am I just putting things in my head that might not be there, and just giving myself hope??

 

Will I still see him??

I think so...???

[SweetGirl28]

Ex sex is common especially between exe's that have a bond together(in your case your children) but why allow him to do this? He's living with the girl he cheated on you with. Now he's cheating on her with you. What about diseases, pregnancy?

Not a good situation to find yourself in, especially because you have feelings for him. If you could stay detached emotionally then it's not bad but how will you feel when he ends it? Or you want to end it? You're setting yourself up for a great deal of hurt. Don't hang on to hope, and definitely don't think the sex will win him back, because it won't. I wouldn't do it just for the reason that he has a gf, but it's your life. I think the fact you're asking here means you know it isn't right.

[AAvr1315]

I don't know why I keep hope in the back of my head. When I'm with him, I feel like he's with me and I feel calm and everything that happened doesn't matter and I just want to be with him. Like seeing him really brings a smile to my face. I keep telling myself to stop and just focus on me and my kids but the other part makes me still go back to him. It's really hard for me. But I appreciate your advise. I need to heard this and just stop.

[AAvr1315]

To fully be over an ex? Is it just a lot of time and keeping distance?

[DanZee]

Yes, it is. You're never going to get over him if you keep having sex with him. Also, child support is his duty to pay. You should probably go to court to make a formal agreement. Whatever money he's giving you are not gifts. He probably needs to pay more than what he's paying. Also, in many states, if you've been with him 7+ years, you're considered being in a common law marriage and you may be eligible for half of his estate and alimony. This guy is a cheater and now he's cheating on both you and his girlfriend. Get a lawyer to figure out what he should be paying you.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it would be very dumb to pursue this.

 

He isn't confused about anything. He just doesn't care. Big difference. You're offering it, he's got no moral compass, so of course he's going to use you. You're keeping it up because your self-esteem was badly hurt after he cheated, and you keep trying to put a Band-Aid on that gushing wound he created. But every time you rip the Band-Aid off and have no-strings sex with him, you're making the wound worse and prolonging its healing. That's all that's happening here. He is playing you and his girlfriend for fools.

 

Get yourself to an attorney and sort out child support and visitation. Your kids deserve a mom who has self-respect and demands the best for them- and herself.

[boltnrun]

A friend of mine has been doing the same thing except she is the girlfriend without the kids. She keeps complaining about the other woman, saying "if she'd just leave him alone we'd be fine!" Not accepting that her so called boyfriend doesn't WANT the other woman (mother of his child) to leave. He likes having two women. He spends two nights with his child's mother, then three nights with my friend, then another three nights with his child's mother...this has been going on for about four years. My friend keeps looking into legal help for the boyfriend (since he too doesn't have a formal visitation and support order filed) and into wedding venues, but nothing has changed.

 

These men are NOT "confused". What they're doing is very deliberate. They're not concerning themselves with the hurt they're causing. Their rationale is"if she didn't like it she'd tell me to leave".

 

Do you want to go years sharing this guy with his other girlfriend?

 

Just remember...when you're feeling all happy and googly eyed after sex with him, he goes right back to his girlfriend afterward. I'm pretty sure that doesn't make you feel good or loved.

[SweetGirl28]

To fully be over an ex? Is it just a lot of time and keeping distance?

 

Yes, but you have children in common so space will be difficult. Try keeping contact only pertaining to your

children and important matters.

[DancingFool]

You can't get over him while you are under him. Quite frankly, you can't even think straight for as long as you keep fck'ing him and sorry, but that's all it is. Please stop kidding yourself that sex will somehow change anything. He is STILL a cheater and still fck'ing you and the other woman and who knows how many more. He doesn't actually care about anyone other than himself. I don't even know how you can rationalize this trash of a man as being a "good father". I mean really? That's the example for your children - daddy goes and fck's around and mommy will keep clinging on, no consequences in life?

 

Stop sleeping with him. Cut him off. Get a lawyer. Get child support. Get proper visitation set up. Most importantly move on. Heal, get counseling if you need to, but stop playing the "choose me over her" dance because the only winner in that sick game is him in that he gets to fck around with both of you while liking and respecting neither.

[AAvr1315]

Back then I would tell my self that I would never let myself be on this situation. And now I'm just bitting my tongue for that. I feel. I would think girls are dumb for even being with a guy like that. But here I am, still loving him, hoping and wanting it to work out somehow in the future. I guess I felt he was the one for me and lucky he wanted to be with me at the start. I never thought I was pretty enough or good enough and yet when I met him he was different and show he that he wanted to be with me till the end. I guess I'm obsessed with him and still in denial..

[DancingFool]

Back then I would tell my self that I would never let myself be on this situation. And now I'm just bitting my tongue for that. I feel. I would think girls are dumb for even being with a guy like that. But here I am, still loving him, hoping and wanting it to work out somehow in the future. I guess I felt he was the one for me and lucky he wanted to be with me at the start. I never thought I was pretty enough or good enough and yet when I met him he was different and show he that he wanted to be with me till the end. I guess I'm obsessed with him and still in denial..

 

Cheating has NOTHING to do with you, or you being good enough, pretty enough, etc, etc, etc. Cheaters are deeply disordered, dysfunctional people who are perpetually chasing the next "shiny object". I put shiny in quotes because paradoxically, cheaters tend to downgrade rather than upgrade in their choices of who to cheat with.

 

Please find your self esteem and move away from him. He is not a good human being. He just isn't and you are worth so much more than that.

[SweetGirl28]

You can't get over him while you are under him. Quite frankly, you can't even think straight for as long as you keep fck'ing him and sorry, but that's all it is. Please stop kidding yourself that sex will somehow change anything. He is STILL a cheater and still fck'ing you and the other woman and who knows how many more. He doesn't actually care about anyone other than himself. I don't even know how you can rationalize this trash of a man as being a "good father". I mean really? That's the example for your children - daddy goes and fck's around and mommy will keep clinging on, no consequences in life?

 

Stop sleeping with him. Cut him off. Get a lawyer. Get child support. Get proper visitation set up. Most importantly move on. Heal, get counseling if you need to, but stop playing the "choose me over her" dance because the only winner in that sick game is him in that he gets to fck around with both of you while liking and respecting neither.

 

"One, don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling cuz he's drunk and alone,

Two, don't let him in, you'll have to kick him out again,

Three, don't be his friend, you know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning,

and if you're under him, you ain't gettin over him"

 

Lol your first sentence has that song running thru my mind know. Can't think of the name.

Have to look it up. Great song though :)

[reinventmyself]

If you really wanted him back (not sure why, but I am not you ) there is absolutely no motivation for him to make any changes.

 

Why would he? He has everything he could ask for and more.

He has a girl friend, easy access to his ex for sex. He feeds you just enough to keep you from taking him to court.

It's great that he pays but he doesn't get an award for it. It is his responsibility whether he voluntarily does it or not.

 

For all you know, you and the kids are entitled to more than you are receiving now.

The true test would be if you stopped the rendezvous. Would he continue being the dad of the year? Maybe.

Either way. . he doesn't get a choice in the matter. The courts do.

 

You will never heal from this as long as you continue being his side piece.

Honestly, if you leave someone and they still allow you to use them, you ultimately lose respect for them.

 

If your intent is to get him back, respect yourself first.

[AAvr1315]

I guess I hit the lowest point. Everything said here I see that is right. That yes I am hurrying only my self. I just can't get my head straight. Never had a father figure in my life my mom dis the parenting alone and worked hard to keep us a floot. And I really want to give my kids a family with both parents. I think I might just be in love with the person he was in the begging...

[DancingFool]

I guess I hit the lowest point. Everything said here I see that is right. That yes I am hurrying only my self. I just can't get my head straight. Never had a father figure in my life my mom dis the parenting alone and worked hard to keep us a floot. And I really want to give my kids a family with both parents. I think I might just be in love with the person he was in the begging...

 

Right, but if you truly want to give your children a family life, then you have to get out of this toxic mess, get your head screwed on straight and actually find a good man who will be good to you and your children. A cheating liar is not it.

[AAvr1315]

For now I wouldn't want to go looking for someone to just full that gap either. With two kids almost hitting 30 I am very doubtful about finish anyone else

[reinventmyself]

With two kids almost hitting 30 I am very doubtful about finish anyone else

 

Can you clarify what meant here by 'being doubtful about finish anyone else?

[AAvr1315]

Finding any one else, since I'm a mom of two kids and almost hitting 30

[boltnrun]

I'm having a hard time keeping up with your three threads.

 

I dated after my divorce. I was (horrors!) 32 years old. You are at a very attractive time in your life. And your kids are a wonderful part of you. Of course they should be your #1 priority, but that doesn't mean you can't date and meet people.

 

But...since your ex already told you he won't give you what you want, it's time to first off cut him off from the free sex.

 

And good on you for contacting an attorney. Get that settled and then focus on being the wonderful mom you are for your kids. When you're ready to meet people you'll know.

[reinventmyself]

Finding any one else, since I'm a mom of two kids and almost hitting 30

 

I remember feeling the same each time a relationship ended. `this was my last chance!' But now I ignore that voice because it's just the grief talking.

 

I divorced at 40, with two kids and I am now in my 50's, just having started my 3rd relationship post divorce, 7 mo's ago. I dated plenty in between.

 

Divorced at 30, you are now the relative norm. You are now part of the majority, so quiet that negative voice when you hear it.

He isn't your last chance at love. Lord, lets hope not!

[AAvr1315]

I never liked the dating scene. And I feel that now everything is just easy. No one really wants to commit and it's hard when your a single parent. I hear it a lot. So I'm not wanting to jump right in bit at the same time I don't want to live in depression or just let life pass by.

Dating how does one do it.

I got with my ex in high school. At 15 and then got back together at 18.

Never really did the whole dating thing. So I feel out of place.

[SweetGirl28]

I never liked the dating scene. And I feel that now everything is just easy. No one really wants to commit and it's hard when your a single parent. I hear it a lot. So I'm not wanting to jump right in bit at the same time I don't want to live in depression or just let life pass by.

Dating how does one do it.

I got with my ex in high school. At 15 and then got back together at 18.

Never really did the whole dating thing. So I feel out of place.

 

Change is scary, for everyone. Leaving your comfort zone and trying to start over, especially with kids, is not

going to be easy, but you can do it. Don't date for a while until you are in a good place emotionally. You've

literally only known him as a partner. I feel for you, I understand why this is so hard. I wish you the best.

[reinventmyself]

Being alone and at peace is far better than tolerating a toxic relationship.

[AAvr1315]

I got so caught up in just wanting to be loved and be happy and i thought that he was the one for me and we would be together like he would say, " Always and Forever"

I think back and see what I did and I see my mistakes and wish I could have done everything differently. But everything happened and I'm here now feeling like failed the relationship, I failed the foamy I wanted to give my kids and I failed in being loved and happy.